[PlanningtoLive]

I haven't posted here in awhile, although I lurk around the corners.

I, so far, have not cut in quite awhile. But I know that the pressure is building within me. I'm back to counting meds and experimenting with how much I can safely, or not, take.

I have three knives with me at all times, just in case. I have not surrendered to that urge, although it certainly would be the lesser of two evils.

All the stress of worrying about my son and just things in general, esp. with xmas coming and no money - is getting to me badly. I was supposed to go into the hospital this week, and I can't seem to believe it will happen. My son has all these functions this week, and I need to be there...........but I also need the hospital quietness and therapy to regroup.

I've been called selfish, an unfit parent, and told that I'm doing this for attention. Thankfully, I know better than that, but it still hurts deeply - esp. when it is told by someone who has known me for ten years, my own h.

Anyway, I guess I needed to voice how close the edge is lately. Thank goodness I see my pdoc tomorrow. I sent him an email that bluntly stated, "I want to die, very badly." I also asked for help of any kind.

I may have a new job next month, and I'm wondering if my body will even be able to do it. I have to have a CT scan done on the 20th of this month, because my back surgeon doesn't think last year's fusion is solid. That may mean #5 back surgery with more fusion.

How much more can my body tolerate? If not physically, then mentally? I am bone weary.........[sigh].

[PlanningtoLive]

I forgot to mention as well that next month, no more insurance, no more assistance.

My doc also told me last week that I am starting perimenopause........have to keep an eye on it as the "mood swings can be bad, esp. for someone like you"..........then will come the estrogen pills.

Just wonderful....lol.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((Mary Alice))))) I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry you are going through so much

Lots of love, and hope, your way...

Angela

[saving_grace]

((((( Mary Alice)))))
You deserve so much more, take care of yourself.

[Storm]

<font color="blue"> Oh Mary Alice, I'm so sorry. This must be such an awful time for you and your loved ones. Life has a wonderful way of throwing multiples of disaster at us simultaneously, no? It can be so tough sometimes, and I don't blame you for being bone weary. Sometimes it's good to allow yourself to just be tired. Don't force yourself to keep up a happy face when you're hurting, and don't hesitate to stand up for yourself when people make these remarks to you, even if that person is your own h. You have the right to be sick, and to seek help for it.

The best advice I can offer is to hang in there and remember that these lows don't last forever. Things will get better, please believe me. Discuss your feelings with your pdoc, and see if you can work out some solutions for the problems you're experiencing. Constructing a plan of action can ease some of the helplessness you're feeling right now, and redirect perspective in your life. Don't forget to take some time for yourself to regroup and relax, and to concentrate on all the things (both big and small) that do make you happy---that make life worth living.

You'll be okay. You're strong, and I have faith in you and in your abilities. It's hard, but I know you'll pull through. Take care, love.

~Storm</font>

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Mary Alice))))))))

I don't know what more to tell you that I haven't said to you before. You hurt so much and so often. I want so badly for your life to turn around and give you the rest that you need, and show you that it just doesn't have to be this way. You have some good resources, like your Pdoc who really cares about you and comes up with ideas for ways to help you, like the arrangement allowing you to spend a few days in the hospital when you need to. Have you taken him up on that yet? You know, it isn't selfish to take care of yourself, even if it means that you will miss some events. If you don't take care of yourself now, you'll miss a lot more later on. You've got to take care of yourself. Even though there are other people who would like to help to take care of you (us here, your Pdoc), we can't do it for you, and we can't do enough. You're also going to have to make some changes in your life. HE is calling you an unfit parent and selfish? Ok, what is HE then? Don't take that from him. You don't need to. Why doesn't HE go get a job and let you have a chance to recover. I know he's on disability, but it sounds like he has less of a disability than you do. You've got to slow down and take care of yourself or let someone take care of you, and he needs to pull his weight. You can't keep carrying him. The other thing is, you need to put into practice what your Pdoc and T tell you. Take your meds the way they are prescribed, rest, take a break, don't do the things they advise you not to do. You have to work with them, or all their best efforts are doomed to failure. I don't expect instant total cooperation, since I'm a stinker myself a lot of the time, but I do know that years of therapy are little more than a waste if you don't do your part.

Love,
Wendy

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Angela, Saving, Storm}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank you for the support and strength. It's one of the best forms of medicine.......

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}

I wanted to answer yours separately for a couple of reasons, I guess.

Yes, I have talked to my pdoc about the hospital. We have definitely scheduled it for next Wednesday, although I may push for one day earlier. I can't go Monday because my CT scan is that day.

I never thought that anyone could do something to fix my problems, except me. I was venting and trying to stay calm by posting my feelings, like most everyone does. I know that ppl care on here, and that has always helped me. Ppl in 3D are fewer to find, that do.

He will never get a job, Wendy. I realized this a long time ago, and frankly have also giving up trying to change him. Yes, it's a lonely existence that I have, but no one can fix that except me. His remarks were rude and completely uncaring and hurtful. They usually are. It shouldn't have hurt me, but it did. It also won't be the last time he is a jerk.

I can't miss Alex's things - life is too short and he needs me there. I'm doing my dangest to hang in there. My pdoc increased my Geodon but it seems to be making my anxiety worse, if that is possible.

I explained my hospital visit to Alex. He says it's my little vacation away from h.........out of the mouth of babes. He understands why I need to go, and I don't think he blames himself. I told him point blank it is not because of him or anything that he has done.

My T is not what I have anticipated. I believe at some time in the near future I will stop that relationship. I am more interested in talking to my pdoc and trying to work on issues with him, rather than my T. I can talk to him, about anything, and he gives valuable insight into things for me.

Thanks for caring.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Fuzzy, Ozzie}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you.

[poptardqueen]

&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3Mary Alice&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}} I need my friend, badly.

Hope you are doing okay.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))

Just one more hug, because hugs really can help, can't they? I hope I wasn't too hard on you. I didn't realize that my post sounded so harsh. Mostly, I'm telling you stuff that comes from personal experience, having wasted a lot of years in therapy not being very cooperative.

[SpazKatt]

*hugs*

[Fuzzybear]

I am glad your pdoc is helpful, Mary Alice. I haven't found either a T or a pdoc who "cares" grrrrr!!!!! I also know how much stupid comments like "attention seeking" can hurt. They are usually said by people who are lacking in empathy and are totally clueless but set themselves up as "good judges of character" grrrrrrr (this is not directed at anyone on this board )

Fuzzy rant off

((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))

A Grizzly Bear

[PlanningtoLive]

It's okay, Wendy. I get very sensitive these days.........

************hugs*******************

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Katt}}}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you.

[PlanningtoLive]

And the ones who think they know everything.........like my h. In reality, he knows nothing.

{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am lucky with my pdoc. I even have him sending me emails, thank goodness..........lol.

[PlanningtoLive]

Not sure if anyone realized, but I had to quit my security job last month due to my back and legs. Been unemployed since the middle of last month, but doing the "application thing".

That has increased stress although I am getting unemployment benefits...........buuuuuuuuuttttttt, as of January 3rd, I will be gainfully employed again!

It is a job that I really, really wanted. I will be working with a friend of mine who has worked for me twice before - we make an awesome team. It is also in an area that I have never ventured into before, the hotel industry. Plus it is management, and salaried again (thank goodness).

After the initial thrill, I was petrified. Afraid of screwing up another job, afraid that I can't do it with my legs the way they are............I immediately emailed my pdoc and told him. He congratulated me and told me that he will help me to overcome these insecurities and keep the job.

My new boss offered me the position by phone, right after I was done with another job interview........lol. Now I just need to get some proper clothes. You'd think that would relieve some of the stress, but it simply caused a different kind.

I will NOT screw up another job.........I just won't.