i 10 -alter

too mch pain.... i bad.... i cut body arm..... 15 times.... not too bad, but just a lot. am i allod to say that? or am i being more bad? kiya mde me stop just cuz there was a teeny blood drop. i talked in kiya t sesson - told too mcuh. bad bad bad bad 10. i lose my stuffy tonite cuz i hurt body. never got stuffy back from last time i hurt body. no one want the stupid body n-e-way so why keep it? why not hurt it? it hurt us n-e-way. but i's in troble again for it. dumb. it ok for everyone lse to hurt but not me. stupid body.

(((((((((((((((((((((( 10 ))))))))))))))))))))))

It is okay to talk. You didn't talk too much. Talking is how you will heal...even though it feels scary. No one can hurt you now for talking.

But! Please don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve it, no matter how you feel right now. It's hard to see when you're going through it, but someday you will understand that you don't deserve it. In the meantime, please, please, please be gentle with you. I like Kiya and all of her alters (including you) very much, and I hate to see my friends get hurt.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( 10 )))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry Kiya......

((((((((((((EM)))))))))))))), thanks for trying to reach her. You don't deserve to hurt or be hurt, either. Hope you are also safe.... THis is like a reset button - today things are totally normal; i'm putting away clothes just like today is any other day. So strange how all this works.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya and 10)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Know I am here. I am sorry you felt there were no other options.

BB

Sorry - i... i don't remember if i reached out or not. Being on the West and on here late at night it is tricky to reach ppl. I don't think alter even tried or remembered to call t. And since we'd just left there, chances are we wouldn't have even if we'd remembered. Alter did email her. And I reported back to MD this morning (like I am asked to). but no response from either - not that i expected one... or that there is anything they can do after the fact. Ah well... cest la vie, no?
((((((((((bbear))))))))))

(((((((10 Kiya)))))))

I don't know if you can trust me, but talking is a good thing. You have to tell the secrets to someone safe. That's how you heal. The hard thing is learning how to tell who is safe to talk to. I wonder if you would talk to T about how to know who is safe to share with so that you don't have to feel bad about it or feel like you have to keep those secrets locked up in yourself. Or punish yourself or hurt the body either. That is another way of saying you have something important to say and you aren't being heard.

(((((((((((((((( kiya and 10 ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((Kiya)))))))))

kiya knows u huh?
are u tryin to tell me u'r safe?
i'm confused cuz he-the 'buser- tld me he'd kill me if i evr told.
i herd him tell his own mom too. he'd kill her if she evr told n-e-one or told me.
he tld me to forget and not evr rember this happned. he told me this evry single time he did it too.
so it's my job. is my JOB to keep silent and keep the others silent too.
i wrot stuff down the other day... and tried to silence self but was stopped by narrator and zorah and some others.
i don't undrstand this. i'm doing what was told to do.
then told kiyas t some... had to punish self -no one undrstands.
i have to.
=(

I know how confusing all of this can be. I also understand how you feel you need to be punished for telling; as keeping your secret has been your job for so long. But, you all are trying to heal from all this hurt and sometimes telling someone safe, as your t, is good for you. I know how hard that can be though. Please try and understand how you don't deserve to be hurt anymore. You truly don't.

BB

Abusers threaten and lie. They don't want us to tell because they don't want to get in trouble for the bad things that they did. That is how they try to protect themselves, but it is not what is best for us to keep those secrets locked up inside us. Yes, I can be a safe person to talk to, but I am too far away to make sure that you are safe, so if you want to talk to me, you have to be in charge of making sure that you are safe. The T is another safe person you can talk to. You are not bad if you talk to the T, no matter what you tell him or her. Then you are helping to heal yourself and the others, instead of protecting the abuser who lied to you and only wanted what he wanted, not what is best for you.

10 that man was bad and evil...he told you only lies Don't believe his lies, You are safe now, all of you Kiya, 10, and the others..
It is okay to tell, noone will hurt you, and you don't have to hurt yourself.
Me and pip are always here if you want to talk.
Please don't believe the bad man's lies...because that is what they are lies
(((((((((((((((((Kiya and 10)))))))))))))

what if he kills me?? what if telling kills me? there is another higher up thqan me, 2 really. they kiya calls "upper destruvtives" and me the "lower destruvtive". what if i give yuop my job and they kill me???
abobe the highers is the n IN CHARGE . i not sae name cuz some 1 using iit could shut down whole systm.

owlet wants to know if u'r a prinzesss and if u got majicle powers.
she too litle-she feel all protetded with poler bears and prinzesss with mAjik powers looking after gher. i have too much to worry bout with 'busers and uppers wanting me dead

i dyunno if anythig safe.

it be the d*d. he did this.
he still alive
he coud kill us
i don protet him-i HATE him. he dead to me.
but he coud kill the body, the others.
i protect them and they don know it. they hat e me
they don know i do that for them.
them stupid, they hate me when i stop them talking,....
this hurts my head. why they stop me ftrom silening us all for good?
it woud ahve been over. they don't get it.
now kya worried the cuts are getting iinfeted an she gonna have to tell dr. i culd have fixed this whole thing.

I promise you that telling won't kill you. You can talk to your T about being afraid that telling will kill you. It will help you heal. You can be a helper that way. The abuser doesn't want you to tell because it makes him afraid. He knows that if you are strong enough to talk and not to be afraid of him, then he doesn't have the power anymore. You can ask the police to protect you and keep you safe from him, and if he even tries to hurt you again, the police can take him away and put him where he can't hurt people anymore. He won't have any more power because you won't let him. You can be stronger than the abuser now. He will be afraid of you. How would that be?

Maybe you should tell this to the system and tell the others that you want to get better so that you don't have to be hurt anymore. If you tell them and let them know that you can still be safe, then maybe you can all work together and all of you can feel better. Then the system won't have to shut down.

I wish that I were a princess or a polar bear with magical powers, but I'm sorry I'm just a person just like you who hurts too. But I would like to help if I can.

dis fel so scary. i in body a lot for thing i not do ... like yoga. who made all dem rules? do this, do that, have nrrrgy. nrgy? y? kya say hide dem cuts... ah i jus wanna sleep. i is a wolf ya? so i sleep thru winter now ya?? dont i? i coludnt keep de eyes open at all in de class. de lady techur no like me today. sory kya.

we go to t soon... kya have us paint pichurs on paper - me too- so not on body an no sharps. i try to tell t tonite k? i panted some out an de head spin lot. i did scratc her, but on acidnt. she said ok. i try not to hurt hr 2nite....but wat if uppers make me? or force me? wat i do den?

I like the idea about painting pictures on paper. That's a good way to see how you feel, and not hurt the body. Can you ask the others or anyone for help if the uppers try to make you do anything that isn't good for you?

LOL i have NO idea Rap... I've ben in the body the shortest time... (kiya) and the body name doesn't believe in DID and doesn't know why "she" suddenly thinks of killing herself.... because the uppers are controlling her. It is very confusing. 10 has learned quite a bit these past 3 weeks - I am just amazed. She gets her wolf stuffy on the bed tonight (and last night too). Change can happen - who knew??!
Kiya

(((Kiya & all who want hugs)))



-proud of 10!-

twilight

Thank you twilite!!! ****hugs!!!******

I am proud too. Change can happen, and you can get better.

i am scart. things are changin and more memorys that wer long dead are back and the body feels them. we wrote in the abuse room som scary stuff to us and now i queston my thouts.

i dunnno who i am no more.

It is scary. Change is scary for everyone, I think. You are so brave to be working so hard toward change and healing and working through what I know is very difficult for you. It will get better.