blah... trig??

Oh...i just feel blah! It makes no sense but everything feels a mess. I decided to ignore the past and as of Jan 1st I haven't hurt myself at all. But now its all I can think of. I don't know how to explain this but its like cutting makes me feel special, its a reason for people to care about me even though I hide it. I can think well you can be mean to me but I'm gonna go home and cut my arms up so there. It makes no sense I know but now I've stopped I feel worthless, like theres no point to caring about me, I'm just disgusting and stupid, just blah. I don't want to be here anymore I know its just a bad day but I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry and, well, you can guess the rest.

A possible reason I can think on maybe why when you cut you feel special, are the actual cuts themselves. Cutting is rather a stigma in society and so having cuts means that you are doing something that is often viewed in horror or disgust. Maybe the reason you think SI-ing makes people care for you, is that maybe you use the cuts as a way of showing to yourself their love... rather than feeling love just as an emotion, you show it to yourself physically . Or maybe that knowing you have cuts means that you could possibly blackmail (if that's the right word - maybe I'm thinking of bribe) them for their love, if you feel they need to show it you in a different way.

I dont know. Those are some reasons I could think of and they probably don't apply, but take them as you will.

Congratulations on following through with your decision not to hurt yourself. I hope you can stick with it, but I know how hard that is. I understand, too, about feeling like there's no reason for people to care about you if you aren't hurting yourself anymore, since I struggle with the same thing. Even knowing that SI is not the main issue, it's still what people react to, and the outward proof of needing some help. And it isn't all about proving it to other people - proving it to ourselves is at least as hard or sometimes harder. But SI isn't the real issue, and definitely isn't who you are, so keep looking for the real you. You are special, and, and you are worth caring about, and you are worth an infinite amount, and SI has nothing to do with it.

i just realized when i read rap's answer that my reply was totally wrong and missing the mark so please just ignore it.

Silver, why not let saving_grace decide whether she gets something out of your reply or not? Personally, I think that what you said is worth considering too. Lots of things weigh into it for me anyway, and doing something that not very many people do (being unique) and getting people to show that they care definitely have been factors for me. Your comments have as much value here as mine or anyone else's.

((((((((hugs))))))))) if you want them
-Rap

(((((((savinggrace)))))))) One thing i do when i feel really bad is I sit in front of the mirror until I feel me. I stare until i can see the valuable parts of me, until I own it. It connects me with me and a me that is good! I hope you know you are good and appreciated.

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Or maybe that knowing you have cuts means that you could possibly blackmail (if that's the right word - maybe I'm thinking of bribe) them for their love,

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Thats something I never thought of and is quite scary..It makes it sound so deliberate and cunning, oh god i dont mean to I don't really know how to respond.

Thanks to everyone else for responding though.