[Cthomas]

I stayed away, still successfully for a year now. Im in a bit of a slump after having a very good ...er um....time. i dont know how else to put it. No good reason. or hell maybe there is a good reason. I just feel unhappy. Like the urges to cut are terrible. I thought taking a hiatus and working on it would work, it just never goes away.

Im down lately - death in family - money -abuser of mine, going back at me in different ways......just getting me down.

I miss my mom.....thanks for letting me vent.

Maybe I should give up the title huh?

C

[cantstopcrying]

Don't give up anything--especially fighting. I've been worried about you but know that you needed time. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Cthomas

it just never goes away.

Im down lately - death in family - money -abuser of mine, going back at me in different ways......just getting me down.

I miss my mom.....thanks for letting me vent.

Colleen, I'm sorry that you have some stressors going on now. You have done a good job for the last year. You are being challenged now and old coping mechanisms come back to mind. I'm glad that you came here to vent. I think that it will help. Do you want to talk further about any of the above?

[Cthomas]

Well first of all thank you both CSC and sannah for posting.

Let me get this out there. IM NOT GOING to do that......I just cant STAND the urges!!!!!! a little bit of everything all stockpiled nicely in my feeble little brain is enough to set me off.

Mom is moved. finally! one less thing to worry about. My real parents died. (cant say im sorry there) and left me with my B@@@@@@ brother and two homes. he took one and i took one. lawyers said theres a 5 year statute of limitations on how long bill collectors can come after heirs. So here i am 5 years later. and i see on public display. that in january my DEAD bio mother applied to purchase one of the two family homes for back taxes my brother never paid.....ok stopping there. So fast forward to today, just feel like hes "after me" again. but yet never tries to help me end this. I just want the freakin house in my name and sell it and get as far away as i can from him. I live RIGHT DOWN THE STREET!!!!!! I see him once a week. I HATE IT!!!!! and i am stuck. right now its all i got and he aint gettin it. Just out of spite i will go broke to get this house in my name. I just want to get ahead. I know it sounds like whining but i have no kids, live less than check to check. have diabetes, asthma, and btw let me begin by saying i am in CONTROL of my diabetes. becasue I bust my ***** to make sure my numbers are stellar! I deserve a break. I want one! I shop at thrift stores (no complaints here!) dont pay for ANYTHING full price. do NOT go out to eat. I am a great cook. If you can sell it for 15.00 a plate, I can figure a way to make it at home, BETTER! Ive always been bad with money but in the last 3 years, i am a SAINT!!!!! no exaggeration at ALL.

not the point. I just want a break.

there IS good news however. husband has insurance so i can go back to therapy....Ok so i got one break. Now for the next year i need to play "catch up" on all the bills i ditched to keep afloat.

I just want to be able to buy a cup of coffee if i want one!!!!! I want to do something else than skate by. I know it sounds like whining. but geez. ive almost lost my house twice in the last 3 years, all i do is work. 10-12 hour days. and lately on weekends too - I know there are people worse off. I appreciate what i DO have. OK maybe i AM being whiny.

I want a break. One month, one day, one FREAKIN HOUR where i dont think about what or who needs to be paid. I want a cup of coffee that i have to pay for not pour at home. Heck maybe my bipolar mood swingin is bringing this on who knows.

OK....colleen is done complaining. Im sorry. responsibility overload. and a bout of depression i just cant shake. when the blues hit, i go straight for a razor. only difference is , i refuse to use it. just cant stand the urges.

me - maybe i should just go back into hiding.

[Sannah]

Colleen, you are not whining! You are venting your stressors! You are doing a good job with everything! I'm glad that you have insurance again. Things will get better! Is there anything that you can do to be extra nice to yourself?

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Colleen, you are not whining! You are venting your stressors! You are doing a good job with everything! I'm glad that you have insurance again. Things will get better! Is there anything that you can do to be extra nice to yourself?

Ok. yea there is one thing. I want a new phone.....LOL.....and sadly i think im going to say screw it and get it. my one big purchase for the year huh?

Ive been so down. Just probably feeling what everybody else is. the economy in a nose dive. work is crazy (btw, thats one reason im not on. ) been working side jobs, weekends....and kinda hiding out otherwise.

I feel guilty. Like I am disappointing people at pc. I just had to step back for a bit But i will be back.

Colleen

[Sannah]

Be good to yourself Colleen!

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Cthomas

Ok. yea there is one thing. I want a new phone.....LOL.....and sadly i think im going to say screw it and get it. my one big purchase for the year huh?

Ive been so down. Just probably feeling what everybody else is. the economy in a nose dive. work is crazy (btw, thats one reason im not on. ) been working side jobs, weekends....and kinda hiding out otherwise.

I feel guilty. Like I am disappointing people at pc. I just had to step back for a bit But i will be back.

Colleen

heya, I'm glad to see you back, even though I wish you were feeling better

Economy SUCKS. I've got to get looking for a job, I can't truly know what you're going through right now, but... sending hugs

Don't feel guilty. Disappointing people at pc?
No.
You're not disappointing me. I'm glad to see you, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. EVERYONE needs to rant sometime. You should see my rants - they're everywhere
Please don't feel bad for posting, I like to see it , good or bad

(btw wb )

[jacq10]

((((((((((Colleen))))))))))

Don't go back into hiding... stay... here.... at pc... you are absolutely NOT a disappointment!!! I for one and THRILLED to see you back here (even though I am sorry it is on such bad circumstances).

That being said... you are one of the strongest, smartest, FUNKYEST women I know, and I know that you're break is coming soon! If anyone deserves one, it is you my friend. Yes the economy is bad, and this situation with houses is unfortunate to say the least... BUT things with your hubby are going better, AND you get to go back to therapy!!! I see these as baby steps to you getting one, mother, of a fricken break!!! Hang in there chiquita!!!

And for what its worth, you get a big gold star for all your hard work in regards to your diabetes, etc.

Hang in there, and if those SI urges come... well tell them to BACK OFF or they will have ME to deal with!

Email me if you'd like, ok?
xoxoxo

[nowheretorun]

((C )) you have always had a 'can do' attitude, i spose thats what attracts me to you... times are hard, no doubt, how are you doing now? sending hope and light your way

[Cthomas]

@turquoise, thank you for the welcome back. I feel like the whiniest of whiners this year....and i have too much to be grateful for. Just cant break this rut i feel like i am in......THANK YOU!!!!

@ sannah. thanks for the kudos. dont feel like i deserve them. just feel like a whiner ;-)

@jacq.....my friend - I really dont know whats wrong with me, just this odd feeling of i need to hide. ocd? bipolar? just wierd ole me? dunno. Just feel this odd need to stay in hiding. havent talked to friends in a bit. (does not seem to bother me oddly enough) So i dont know.

@NWTR....darrell. everytime I complain, you come runnin! I know others have it harder. Just in some wierd funk since I moved mom. Missing her is part of it im guessing. But i cant shake this feeling of I dont want to be around people?>?? esp since this is the safest place i know. I have a hard time making myself connect here.

@ all of you......thank you - seriously.....i just dont understand why i am reverting to old ways. wont si. i promise you that. but this hiding thing. I just dont want to be "seen".....its almost disturbing to me.

thx

Colleen

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Cthomas

Just in some wierd funk since I moved mom. Missing her is part of it im guessing. But i cant shake this feeling of I dont want to be around people?>?? esp since this is the safest place i know. I have a hard time making myself connect here.

but this hiding thing. I just dont want to be "seen".....its almost disturbing to me.

Hmmm, any insight since you wrote this out?

[turquoisesea]

i just dont understand why i am reverting to old ways. wont si. i promise you that. but this hiding thing. I just dont want to be "seen".....its almost disturbing to me.

I don't know why but I'm really glad you're fighting it.
Keep searching for the reason.
I know this time is hard for all of us financially, which adds so much stress.
As you've told me before, take care of you

and don't worry about whining I still don't think you are

[Cthomas]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I don't know why but I'm really glad you're fighting it.
Keep searching for the reason.
I know this time is hard for all of us financially, which adds so much stress.
As you've told me before, take care of you

and don't worry about whining I still don't think you are

Thanks....but really i AM whining. I have a job (not the best but it pays decent) the husband is working full time finally (and with benefits)
I am healthy - can pay bills after playing a quick game of catch up.....so im doing better than most. Maybe just the bipolar blues? dunno

I am however, not wanting to be "seen"......just feel like crawling into the covers and calling it a year. then not talking anymore. its some wierd seclusion thing I just dont understand why. My friends are emailing and calling and asking why or where ive gone. I know im loved.

Just dont feel like being around anybody?

Thanks turquoise. You are awesome....and YES im whining.....( i win i win)

;-)
Colleen

[nowheretorun]

((C ))) im thinking about this 'not being seen ' statement of yours some more... good on you for all you've done and the progress you've made, also, thanks for the help you've given me when i needed it.. i hope i can repay some way...

at times we all might feel like not wanting to be seen and maybe this is what is meant by the words 'walking the talk' .. i know you are a brave one and are one who walks her talk even tho, like the rest of us, sometimes you might feel like you've put too much out there and feel out on the limb (heard that somewhere) ..

dont give up hope on you or your ability to come out of the box you've been hiding in.. there are caring others here and in your town to i pray... just dont let the fear defeat you, keep stepping, speaking, and sharing... and most of all, keep getting better

always your friend

[turquoisesea]

just feel like crawling into the covers and calling it a year. then not talking anymore. its some wierd seclusion thing I just dont understand why.

Oh dear, I know what you mean

Im going to tell you to fight it as much as you can but I feel kinda bad saying that as I have so much trouble with it myself

I have a job (not the best but it pays decent) the husband is working full time finally (and with benefits)

Great I'm glad you have a job, and your husband full time. Doesn't make life easy, and it definitely does not mean you have to be happy! Just because there are other people unemployed does not mean that just because you have a job everything should be well and you have no right to complain. If you follow that logic, you should be happy just because you have water 0.o ... because lots of people don't have normal access to clean water
You feel what you feel... you have a RIGHT to whine about it (I still don't think you are but if you really want you can win )

I guess what I'm saying is... sure, you have more than alot of other people. Doesn't mean life is peachy (unless you're eating a peach cobbler ). And thus you have a right to rant.
But having these things means you have things to work with, and a positive direction to go in

hmmmmm maybe we can crawl under the blankies for while together but I SUPPOSE we both have to come out eventually *sigh*

neways, this is getting a bit rambly :P so Ima let you go with some hugs and hope this made sense

[Sannah]

Okay Colleen, you win you "whiny butt"! (So let's just agree to disagree then!). When I was going through my issues I was employed and doing well and in perfect health but when you have issues to work through to get better emotional and mental health it does make you whine (I was accused of being a whiner and making things difficult. Good thing I just listened to people but didn't absorb their opinions!).

Why do you insist on calling yourself a whiner? Do you believe that you don't have any right to speak out about your needs?

[cleanhippie09]

im really sorry that you miss your mom. and im sorry that you feel really sad right now but im here if you ever want to talk to anyone who knows what you are going through.

erin

[phoenix7]

the get the not wanting to come out from under the covers thing - I understand - mine is usually to curl up and disapear - sometmes we feel bad becasue we feel bad, oh yes that sounds very wise doesnt it! LOL

You look around and you say I have all these things, a job, friends, family, and yet im not leaping around with joy - what is wrong with me - why am I so ungrateful I wish there was an easy answer - if you find one let me know! now!

These are the times when you need to be kind to yourself, count your blessings yes, do a good thing like smell a flower, go for a walk, ring a friend - all the things you dont want to do - go to the cinema with a friend or family - sometimes I will say to myself ok miss whineypants! you can crawl under the covers for the next two hours - then its back to life ok!!! sometimes we just have to feel what we feel to get through it - I hope the sun warms your back, that flowers grow tall and beautiful in your garden and that your family friends and pc get you through this - take care P7