sad, trigger

This is so hard.

I know life shouldn't be.

I hate bleeding everywhere.

I hate doing this.

Drunk a lot.

I should be better than this.

I am a failure to everyone. I should be better than this.

This should not be me.

I shouldn't even be here.

Hatred.

Sad, Sad.

I have nowhere to turn.

Bleeding.

I'm not supposed to feel like this, i have good things in my life, but depression has controlled my life since i was such a young girl.

And it really hurts.

More that SH could ever could.

.....sorry to post, forget about me, i can't even be anything, forget....

((((((((((((((((((((Abby))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are hurting so much.

BB

Abby, what is all this should, should, should. It is what it is! It sounds like you were hurt as a child and feeling hurt would be a normal response. What shouldn't have been was the hurt that you received as a child. Your reaction is normal. When we are hurt it is hard to function like we want to. Please accept your hurt then you will be able to move forward and past it with self understanding. And then when you are not so injured you will be able to function the way that you want to better.

I'm just so so sad. I feel bad. I ran away from this website before because i can't stay around, i don't know why.... And yet i always come back.

My arms aches to be cut, and the awful thing is that i know i will. It doesn't feel like my arm anymore. This body isn't mine. Does anyone understand? I don't know why i cut anymore. I think there is a deep, deep sadness but i try and stop myself from feeling it as much as possible.

I cannot talk most of the time because....i don't know why. Everytime my foot hits the pavement my head screams 'cut!, cut!, cut!' with every footstep.

I don't know what to say anymore, and i don't know how to.

But i want someone to know....i just want someone to care. Why can't i feel the care of my family? What is wrong with me? I just don't feel anything they try and convey....i know they love me but i want to run a thousand miles from their hugs....but, at the same time, i want them to take me away from the pain.

I can't handle the pain. It is too much.

Shaking.

Pain.

I managed to shed two tears writing this. That is more that i have in ages.

I want to stop my brain screaming at me to 'CUT!!!!'

Shaking.

(((((Abby)))))

Abby,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, that you have lived in this nightmare of pain and depression. It is scary and what you are writing about is very real and truthful.

Sannah said it about the should's. Really there are no should's, I say the same thing all the time and am reminded that the only way to get beyond that is to accept what is now.

So, I'm wondering if you have thought about finding a therapist to work with or if you are in therapy. What you have written here is so heartfelt, I am almost feel like bringing it into my therapist and telling her that someone else understands the way I feel. I really believe that a therapist could help you with what you are experiencing and start to unravel the pain that you experienced as a child and develop better coping mechanisms and start the healing process that you want.

The last line said so much and it just told me that you have so much to offer other people. You are something pretty special and want the help that you are so worthy of. I sense that not only will you start to heal yourself but that you will help others in their process. You already have by showing me that I am not alone. You have a profound way of writing that allows others to know that you understand. It's a gift and I hope that you allow yourself to get the help so that you can feel some relief and sense of positive being.

Keep posting and let us know how it is going - please find someone to talk to that is caring, sensitive and will really take the time to listen and help.

((((((((((((((( Abby ))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((abby)))))))))))))))))))
huge hugs for you

I really hope that you can get therapy so that you can express how you feel...............

Things are really difficult. This depression has really dragged me under and i really need someone to understand. I feel i'm battling everything.

I have a therapist, she's only just realised that i'm self harming, (as in she knew i did but didn't really focus on it), but now she is wanting to talk about other help that can be offered. I don't know what this means. If i was truthful i would say that i believe this means she'll stop seeing me and something else will be brought in instead that will fall through and i'll have noone again. That's what usually happens. She wants to have a conversation with me about it all but i'm so very tired, and i don't want to think of solutions. I don't want to be good and sensible, i want to scream at her and everyone. I'm not very good at talking or revealing my emotions in real life.

Things are really bad with my parents right now. They found out i was cutting and reacted by telling my therapist (hence her realisation) and talking to our GP. I feel noone is listening to me. I understand my parents are worried and upset, but i'm so low i don't want any help. They talk between themselves and do things without my knowledge. My dad told me my mum went to our GP for her own reasons - e.g. she is stressed out and needed help to know how to deal with it all and that i was given an appt because of the things she brought up with the dr. I just think if the drs appt was for help for her then don't bring me into it!!

I understand everyone wants to help, and i can imagine it is very hard to watch me do this to myself, but i feel so isolated and betrayed. They tell me they are sorry and they don't have a manual to go by in order to do things right...then i feel bad for making them so upset, and yet so angry too. They say all the right words, but i am emotionally drowning and i cannot connect with them.

I don't want to feel this depressed but i don't want help either because i don't see the point in trying. I could tell everyone what they want to hear, i could say 'thanks, having this appt makes it easier for me because i don't have to make one myself' - but it would all be lies. I don't want to see a dr again, ultimately i want to be alone.

I know that this won't help me, i understand my parents good intentions but please will someone hear me for once! I feel so alone. I have my therapist telling me we need a conversation to work out the best help to offer me, i have my parents trying to move the situation onwards, and now i'll have a dr telling me it may be beneficial to take the ADs again. I have all this bombarding me and i just feel like screaming at them all to leave me alone because i don't believe in any of it. Ultimately it will come down to what it always has - my own willpower. And i've run out of that. Why does noone understand that?

I don't have anything to offer myself let alone anyone else. This depression is making me so utterly selfish that i can't even thank those that want to help me - i just push them away further. I sit on my own night after night because being with others makes me feel even more disconnected than i do already.

It isn't that i don't want to get better but i'm too tired to try. I just don't see the point anymore - i've been to drs before, i've tried the 'fake it till you make it' idea, i've tried distraction etc etc.....but i've always end up back here.

I'm surrounded by people but noone listens. I feel that unless i tell them what they want to hear they never will. I feel pain because i'm causing stress when i never meant to cause any. But i've lied for so long, i've pretended so much, and these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind for so long. They're not nice, and i know people don't want to hear them; all they want to talk about is ways to 'get better', but i can't pretend for others anymore.

I'm sorry, i wrote a lot.

I'm just so sad and the pain is immense.

I'm tired.

Hi Abby, I am sorry that you are feeling so much distress. Sounds like you need to be true to yourself? Also sounds like you might be feelings that you have to take care of your parents a bit and not upset them like you are responsible for their feelings? It also sounds like you feel powerless among the therapist, your parents and the doc? Feeling empowered is really important for getting better.

Cutting.

It is all i have.

I have nothing else.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Blood everywhere.

Shaking.

Please someone.

Understand.

It hurts so bad.

I want to hurt more than it does inside so it makes sense

I don't want the scars.

It hurts so badly.

Blood everywhere.

Please, please...i don't want to do this anymore.

I can't be what people need me to be.

Even those that help.

The pain is immense.

My arm shakes.

I hate.

Please.

Pain.