I AM SOOOO CONFUSED>>........might trigger

well i am now up to 150 mg of zoloft. the therapist who comes to my school each week is now going to probably come twice a week to see me. she told me yesterday that she was going to have me working on a "workbook." i am NOT looking forward to this, b/c she said it is a self-help book on abuse (i absolutely HATE that word!!!!!!!!!!). i asked her why she thought i needed it. i have trouble looking people in the eye, she says it is b/c i am afraid of the possiblity that people will see how my life is and how much i suck at life (my words not hers). she says i WAS a**sed. see my step-mom used to be soooo mean. she was always yelling mean things at me and accusing and punishing me for untruthful things. i dont see how that qualifies as a**se. i mean sure she made me feel worthless and suicidal but if i was a**se then social services would have taken us out when my family was all the time calling and reporting stuff-they say it is a**se too. i am sooooo confused. help me please......i don't want to give in to the blade tonight.

((((((((((halliebeth)))))))))) that sounds very much like emotional abuse to me, hon. i'm sorry you have gone through that in your life. nobody should be treated that way

you've been hurt enough, my dear friend. put aside the blade and talk to us here instead

((((((((Halliebeth))))))))

Maybe this isn't exactly what you are looking for, but I hope it helps you. I was reading an explanation of why children blame themselves for abuse. If they attribute it to their parent or caregiver, then that makes someone the child depends on and needs for survival unsafe and someone the child cant trust. Children need to trust their caregivers. If abuse is attrubuted to some random element beyond the child or caregiver, then the world is too unpredictable and there is no control, and that also is unbearable to a child. Blaming the self is the safest, because if I am at fault, then if I could just get everything right, then I could control and prevent the abuse. Even though you are not at fault when you are abused, it is less threatening to assume that it is your own fault. If you can deny that you are abused at all, then so much the better, no?

As you mature, you do become in a better position to make the abuse end, and make yourself safe. You're still traumitized by the things that happened to you, but if you can put them in the past, establish a life that is free of abuse (and be able to recognize that you are no longer being abused), and take care of your future, then you can overcome it.

You might not want to hear it, but psychological or emotional abuse is abuse, and it hurts at least as much as other kinds of abuse do. However, it is harder for social services to intervene because there isn't physical evidence. Sad, but true.

Take Care,

i abosoltely HATE that word. when someone says it in regards to my childhood, its like someone has just dropped a load of bricks on my stomach. i get super anxious and scared and mad all at the same time. i do not understand it.

Think about those feelings, Hallibeth. What's behind them? Where are they coming from? What is it about that word that causes such a reaction inside you, hon??

years ago, when i was just a kid, social services came to talk to me and my sisters at school. we didn't know what it was all about so we didnt tell them anything relevant to our lives. everyone says we were ab**ed and i dont know i just cant handle it. i really dont think that, its like she has me convinced that i somewhat deserved all I got. I know that a lot of things were uncalled for but i am not so sure about all of it. she had a way of making me feel guilty about myself even though i didnt do half the stuff she accused me of. at some times i felt guilty for things i never did. i do not understand myself or my feelings. i try but it doesnt work. angela do u have a cell phone?

Halli, I never told because of the shame and guilt. I protected the bas--rds. The shame is still in a part of me but I know I was a child who deserved to be loved and protected and was not. You are and were a child who deserved/s to be protected. Saying that word made me have to stay in the same room with the feelings. That was almost impossible for a long while but therapy has been remarkable. The feelings you had about what was done to you may be the reason that word is so hard. I am sorry, and I think your T is wise. However, if the word triggers you too much you can ask her to slow down because pushing too fast is not helpful either. Good luck.

((((((((((((Halliebeth)))))))))))))))))))

thankx