[sumthinsgottagive]

Since I found out my partner has a sexual addiction, I have spent every waking minute of my time reading about it, researching it. If I am not on the computer I am spying on him, looking through windows but what really scares me is that I installed a spy program on his computer and I have been able to see everything he does, and I do . I am obsessed. I make up reasons to get him out of the house so I can look at where he's been. I even make up opportunity for him to go online. I don’t know why but I know if I don't stop I could die because since I started spying on him I've been stage 2 hypertensive. I'm 39 and I never had any high blood pressure problems until now. Please someone help me
,

[Omers]

Deep breath!
What is important to you about knowing where he has been and what he is doing while he is at home? How do you feel about his addiction? It sounds like it is seriously kicking up something in you. Are you working together with a T? Do you have time with a T for yourself?
Dunno, not a pro but it just feels like there is something more here.

[sumthinsgottagive]

Originally Posted by Omers

Deep breath!
What is important to you about knowing where he has been and what he is doing while he is at home? How do you feel about his addiction? It sounds like it is seriously kicking up something in you. Are you working together with a T? Do you have time with a T for yourself?
Dunno, not a pro but it just feels like there is something more here.

Thank you for taking the time to answer I don't know why it is important, i guess i feel like it gives me back some control but it does kick up something deep in me intensity like i've never felt. we are not seeing a T. I just this week figured out he doesn't hate me he is an addict. he is willing to listen to me at this point but thats as far as we've gotten. I confronted him with this 3 days ago. I've been monitoring his computer for over a year. It seems like until i found this site, it was the only validation i could find and i needed that to know i wasnt crazy.

[Dr.Muffin]

Im so sorry youre going through this. This has turned your entire life upside down and made you doubt pretty much everything....but the path you're going down is not going to be helpful to you. I would suggest that you stop focusing on him and place that attention on yourself. you NEED support. A therapist, a 12-step group, something. you are literally going to drive yourself insane if you keep searching and digging....you are very likely to find things eventually.

You are certainly under no obligation to ever trust him again...but you're going to have to focus on you and what you need to feel emotionally safe and figure out what your future is going to look like. *hugs*

[Lexaproman]

Okay let me emphasize I am not a professional but I see a few things going on here.

1 - For some they desire to be with someone like this because ultimately they hope that they are the "answer" or the reason the person ends their addiction. This may not be you but it is more common than you think.

It is similar to the "groupie" who wants to hook up with the celeb so that she is the one out of everyone he could have had that he chose to be with.

2 - You have a delusional perception of your relationship. On some level he believes he cares for you but you are likely the ace in the hole or the ground in his electric life. I have a music friend who just married a guy like this and she found it that he had sex with dozens of women since their nuptials! Prostitutes, swingers, and anyone he could pick up. Oh and get this she was "spying" on him too! But that turned up nothing. It was the guys sister who forced him to tell the truth.

My friend long suspected but she felt some warped loyalty based on nothing stable. That is exactly what you are doing!

If the guy did really care for you that much he would have long addressed his issues and sought counseling and treatment the second he realized he had true feelings for you and that he wanted to have a monogamous relationship with you. He did not just become this way yesterday.

3 - There are also some who get in a situation like this because of their own self esteem issues. Look no one deserves this or needs anything remotely like this. Unless you have some hidden "swinger" in you. Which is an entirely different issue.

Note: He is a user of human beings and their emotions

In conclusion it is clear:

If you care about him and/or yourself even a little bit than you know what you need to do. The supportive thing for him is too leave him and tell him to get back to you if and when he has transformed himself into a self respecting man instead of a greedy lust driven self gratifier who has little respect for the feelings of those who he is committed too. Yes he likely has a sickness, so let him get help.

I mean if you learn someone is an alcoholic before you are all in then is your chance to lay down the law and make the decision best for them and YOU!

There are certain unwritten codes in life: Here's a couple.

IF you need a gun to feel safe at a restaurant, that is not the kind of place worth eating at

IF you have to spy on someone to feel a sense of control or trust than it is over before it started and you are in for nothing but trouble. No relationship could be worth the effects of that.

[sumthinsgottagive]

Thank You.

[Muckluck]

Originally Posted by sumthinsgottagive

Since I found out my partner has a sexual addiction, I have spent every waking minute of my time reading about it, researching it. If I am not on the computer I am spying on him, looking through windows but what really scares me is that I installed a spy program on his computer and I have been able to see everything he does, and I do . I am obsessed. I make up reasons to get him out of the house so I can look at where he's been. I even make up opportunity for him to go online. I don’t know why but I know if I don't stop I could die because since I started spying on him I've been stage 2 hypertensive. I'm 39 and I never had any high blood pressure problems until now. Please someone help me
,

Talk. Both together. See a couple counselor together. Get it out on the table now. You both deserve to know the truth and then go on from there. Good luck.

[SlatkaMala]

I know that dealing with somebody with any addiction is that you yourself have to get help and make yourself strong because dealing with an addict with anything is a long row to hoe.

You also many want to research and check out things that have to do with codependency. Sometimes we can get into this rut where we put all our efforts into pleasing and helping this person that we lose ourselves and feel like WE are the crazy ones and feel like burning out.

There's Co-Dependents Anonymous. You can also check out Al-anon, even though the addiction isn't a chemical addiction. Addiction still works in the same way.

I know how rotten it is to deal with somebody who is addicted to somebody.

[A2FMUrs]

Oh my Goodness....when I read this, it rang that bell, raised that red flag. If anything, many things for writing your thread...it is comforting to know that you are here too...all though, I wish neither, or any of us are traveling this path.
I hate myself for that monitoring, the obsessiveness for wanting answers, for understanding....for wanting to know, "why wasn't I enough"...I spent all of 2008 doing this, a little less in "09", and a little less in 2010...until on 12/30/10, I lay naked across from my husband on our Anniversary wkend...and he was reading intently a book on WorkBenches....oblivious to me.
I wondered how long it would take for the light switch to go off inside me...and it did...I was angry at first, because I had build myself up...but then, for the first time, I was able to get up the next morning and work thru the day interacting with him....in the past, I would have just closed in and down.
Now, I really dont care if there is sex, romance, intimacy....its such a strange feeling.
One may say...you do still care, or why else would you be here...well there is more to any of our stories than we can post...and for right now...its dinner time...tomorrorw maybe I can start.
sumthinsgottagive...thanks, and I hope to interact more with you...and others here

[alias123]

Maybe you should try alanon, or the sex addict loved ones counterpart. Sexanon?

[nightchirps]

Originally Posted by sumthinsgottagive

I've been monitoring his computer for over a year. It seems like until i found this site, it was the only validation i could find and i needed that to know i wasnt crazy.

I'm in the same situation. The monitoring becomes addictive in itself. I have caught him several times over the past 4 years. Each time he swears he won't do it again, and he is remorseful and even ashamed. It hurts but one day, you may find something that you can't live with. The porn addiction seems to become more bizarre over time and sometimes I guess it eventually leads to child porn. I am here because I don't know if I can live with the fact that my husband went that far. I just found the images on his computer last week. It is a line I never thought he would cross. I made him move to the other bedroom. I haven't decided what I am going to do, but he will go to therapy if I have to drag him there. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to talk to anyone. I don't even want to tell my therapist, but I feel I must.

[evaone]

i think both of you need to seek an advice from a professional counselor.don't let this stress beats you, you are the loser here. get out of the problem and look for a solution.

[BigBeautifulBipolar]

My husband has an addiction to internet porn but he never hid it from me. I could see how it would drive you insane to just find out and it must feel like your whole world is upside down but i dont think that the spyware and obsessing is good for either of you!! You will make yourself doubt everything AND make him feel he needs to be EXTRA sneaky and you will BOTH end up worse! Im not a pro but i can say that accepting that my hubby has an addiction and understanding that its not because he doesnt desire me (because he is very attentive and loving) has helped us BOTH. Since he doesnt feel isolated and like nobody would understand him and he doesnt feel like he has to be ashamed anymore, it isnt such an issue for him anymore. He doesnt really even go online much now and when he does its finally not to look at porn. I am unsure of your EXACT situation but mine never involved cheating online or in real life but if that is the case for you. Thats a whole new story. I really hope you find some helpful info here or at least a nice group of people who know EXACTLY what you are going thru. -HUGS-

[evaone]

Now that you know that he is into porn addiction do you think spying him would help to the both of you? Talk to him, as a partner your there for him to understand and help him changed. it will not benefit you to spy and then what? you just making yourself miserable. try to convince him to stop and if he is really addicted try to seek a help.

[sumthinsgottagive]

I'm seeing that my situation is different from most of the sexual addiction stories I've read and the difference is my partner is not seeking help what so ever, He refuses to acknowledge his problem at all. Every single day, he engages in some form of sexual activity (usually more than 5 hours a day) and everyday he lies about it. He erases the history on the computer, deletes his call logs. He shows no desire to change infact he seems almost proud . He often uses the screen name proud*****sexaddict*** when he signs up for dating sites. I am about t he most understanding and empathetic people I know. I have tried to be there for him but he wont let me. Thank You for all your comments and for just listening