always talking about sex

I would like to hear the thoughts of other people.

My boyfriend of 10 years talks about sex constantly. ex . On a 3 hour car trip, I timed him. He talked about other stuff (mostly football ) for 15 minutes and sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. He either plans our next sexual encounter... in detail. what he will do. what he wants me to do. Or he relives in detail what we have already done. He can remember all sexual details from 2 years ago on vacation but remembers far less the other activities that we did. If we are in the mall, he pressures me to do it in the washroom. If we are at the park, he want to do it behind a building etc..

The only useful comment I have had so far was from a sex therapist that I was seeing for mysself. she said, 'he must really enjoy it.'

A few years ago, at a wedding, I was seated next to a man who installed garage doors. After hearing about garage doors for 20 minutes, I was done, he found the distance of the doors from the street especially facinating.

I don't understand how someone can go on and on about the same subject for so long when the other person tells them to stop.

Even my autistic son has learned to ask people... are you interested in chess ... before he launches into a very long converssation.

Hearing about sex so often makes me feel like a sexual object and not a human being.

I am really interested in hearing other people's thoughts.

roses

Heya,

I being a sex addict am thinking that your partner sounds like a sex addict. Just the obsessive nature of the thoughts, is a red flag. there is a website for SLAA (Sex and love addicts anonymous) they have 40 questions to ask yourself to sort of give you an indication of if you're an addict or not. You might want him to look over those questions. There is help out there. SLAA is a great program. He may however not want help, being content with things as they are. But if you're not content then something needs to change.

Let him know how this is making you feel. You might find support in Al-Anon too though I'm not too sure about that. Hope this helps,
Love and hugs,
Tara

I don't know too much on this situation because I am not one and was only with one person who I felt sort of was. Although she wasn't nearly as bad as this, but wouldn't take no for an answer, and I am talking about after I had to work 8 hours a day. So I know how you feel a bit but she could at least think about other things and talk about other things.

I am not sure that he is a sex addict and it's something he might think you enjoy? If not maybe it's just something he really enjoys talking about and doesn't realize that it upsets you. Addiction is something that can't be controlled right away so if you will completely voice your opinion to him and ask him why he acts this way then perhaps he will stop. If he doesn't then there probably IS something wrong and he needs to see a professional, and eventually you two will probably have to see one together.

Sorry if this isn't a lot of help but it's all I can offer, wishing you the best,

hmmm i used to be like ur boyfriend, but that was hypomania...
Is it constant?

what is hypomania? I've never heard of it.
And yes it is always. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day exept for 15 minutes out of every three hours. seriously

thanks tara and dead
he knows it bothers me
he knows it bothers me to the point of being turned off and then he doesn't get sex or love but even knowing this he keeps talking about it anyways.
this is what I don't understand
because it is counterproduction

and he won't see a therapist even if I think it is logical. He has a block somewhere

thank you all so much for posting
still trying to figure it out

roses

hypomania= a milder form of mania.
But i doubt its what ur seeing in your boyfriend.
How old is he??

Tell him boldly to stop and if he doesn't listen....tell him you'll leave the conversation and walk away. Don't acknowledge him at all.

He is 53. I am 47.

tara... I checked out the forty questions... I am not sure the term sex addict applies as we have been together for 10 years and I know he is not having sex elsewhere and he was married for 20 years before that. And the issue with me is not the sex itself... it is just the non stop talking about it

we went to a christmas dinner with his collegues (mostly male because he is a technician) and their wives and girlfriends. He managed to bring up the topic of sex 3 times over dinner (including gestures and sound effects). The other guys, even if they were thinking it, they never mentionned it.

He left his marriage because there no more sex. I am assuming she just got fed up hearing about it. We have the same values and interests and we love each other and the sex is good. It is just the talking about it. I hope to read more posts. I would like to find some sexual peace in this relationship


roses

Roses, I'm not a "sexpert," but I did read somewhere that men think about sex every few minutes. Obviously, however, most of them just THINK, not yak about it. Some questions: 1) Has he always been this way, at least from the minute you met him?; 2) Has he ever had any trouble with impotence?; 3) Might he be taking Viagra or some other such drug?; 4) Do you think he might find some other way of getting his sexual obsessions out--maybe journaling, writing down his fantasies, etc.---and you can tell him that you will read what he writes each day, but you don't want to hear about it ad nauseum when you're stuck in the car with him or wherever?; 5) Is he worried that since he is getting older, he might not be able to perform at some point--so he wants to do it as much as he can while he can and in all sorts of interesting places?; 6) What else has he said about his former wife and her lack of interest in sex? Can he be blaming himself in part? Did she disparage his sexual performance?; 7) Does he look at porno?; 8) Has he had a physical exam lately to check on hormone levels and any other physical issues that could explain the "hypersexuality"?; 9) Would it help to tell him you just want to do something else or hear about something else right now, but you two can plan a "hot night" or an unusual place and put it on the calendar?; 10) Would he be willing to settle for mutual masturbation or oral sex or a hand job in the interim? (sorry for the bluntness )

Meanwhile, I would suggest that you talk to a therapist about the issue some more, if it continues to be a problem. I sense that he DOES NOT want to think there's something wrong with him, especially if his ex suggested it.....

Again, remember that I'm not an expert--just thinking off the top of my head, hoping to be helpful.....

Hiya,

I'm glad you checked out the forty questions and were able to rule that out.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

tara, I want to tell you how mmuch I appreciate your postings. Life can be so hard and certain things can be so draining. It is really nice to hear what someone thinks and feels who isn't mixed up in the personal problem.

and I haven't ruled anything out. It is just different because he doesn't have multiple partners.

I observe him and know sex is always in his head. I honestly don't know how he gets through the day. He finds it difficult to think about anything else. He doesn't enjoy flowers for example. Because flowers bring sexual ideas into his head then of course he needs to talk about sex. It must be horrible to miss all the other stuff that is around you because sex takes up all the space in your head.

again tara, thank you so much for sharing
I may figure this out yet

roses

Okay to start off I had the same problem with my ex gf. I would constantly bug her for sex ALL the time. I could tell she would get annoyed but yet didn't really seem to be any of my concern, I mean i never forced myself on her but I did bug her alot like i said. I would be begging pretty much as sick as that sounds. I read PAYNE1

okay accidently posted it without being done....

I read PAYNE1's post and me and my girl eventually came into agreement with having mutual masturbation or oral sex or a hand job at least 4 times a day. Eventually (bound to happen of course) she ended up pregnant, and i now have a 2 yr. old son. We split up b/c of my constant need for sexual stimulation and b/c she said she wasn't ready to be a mother. So i am now a single father and have ended contact with my ex completely.

As a result of the ended relationship I was pretty much forced to (of course) to limit the sexual stimulation that i received before from her. To my surprise I ended up figureing out that I kind of really wasn't addicted to the sex itself but rather to just the stimulation, and it didn't matter whether it came from her or myself. So i guess now I'm struggling with porn/mastur. addiction, (figures)

Anyway sorry if this doesn't make sense, but i mean maybe he can masturbate on his own in the places where he feels aroused...sounds like bad advice but i mean i don't know what else to say... if not try starting to limit the amount of sex you provide to him each day and when you are out and about try to stay in public as much as possible...
hope this helps a bit.

Halen, thanks so much for sharing

are you crazy? the sex is not the problem
I just don't want to hear about it all the time because
1) I feel like an object and not a person
2) I like to talk about other stuff .... any other stuff

roses

id talk to a professional if i were you, it would be better if he would go talk to a professional.

GREAT IDEA!!!!!

But he won't go

roses

What a really selfish man, but up to you to tell him, he is not a mind reader you know ! You feel like a piece of meat, well who wouldn't ? Is he always in charge of the conversations ? Is he interested in anything you are ? Do your interests distract you from his ? If not, then the truth is, you are just a piece of meat to him !

I feel guilty as hell reading this. I know that I was the exact replica of your s/o in my last significant relationship. I know that this drove a wedge between us. It was like a compulsion. She compromised and offered me hjs etc 4 or 5 times a day, but it didnt help because it felt like she was just 'doing me a favour'. In the end we split up and now, as a single 33 year old man, I am lucky to get anything at all, ever.
I think back to our time and I really truly wish I had found a better way to compromise or to just shut up with the begging. I am not sure what to suggest, but if you feel that showing your partner my story might be of any help, then please do. It could happen to him too, and it really sucks being in my position with my libido.
I feel for you right now, and I feel for him if he doesnt stop with the obsession. I don't know if this helped at all, but I hope it did. All the best to you.

It doesn't seem like he's asking for sex so much as constantly focused on it. I would say he's obsessed, and that it's an unhealthy obsession.

What the hell to do about it I don't know. I saw myself becoming like that and am trying to stop it. I suppose it needs to have direct consequences that he can link to his obsession before he will see it as a problem enough to want to change. I guess that's true of most issues though, so nothing earth shattering there.