it's so difficult to get my boyfriend to have sex with me

a lot of things are going wrong in my life. my relationship really blows. it's very very very complicated. my boyfriend was using steroids when i first met him and i made him stop, but it totally screwed him up sexually. he ended up having erectile dysfunction for little over 2 years. we've been together for 3 years and we live together. it has really affected me psychologically. today he is somewhat better but not quite. he rarely ever initiates sex. it's always me. then when i ask him to have sex i practically have to beg and cry because he usually says no or he's busy. i feel like he doesn't have normal testosterone levels but he is seeing a sexual therapist who has been treating him and according to the doc things are much better than before. but he doesn't show me that he wants intimately and that bothers me. it makes me feel extremely insecure and needy. i'm so sick and tired of dealing with this at such a young age. we are both only in our 20's. i feel like i never even got to experience the "honeymoon" stage of dating where couples have tons of sex because his sexual dysfunction started about 3 months into the relationship. we constantly fight about the same thing...sex. he thinks i'm a sexoholic because i flip out and get really really...and i mean really....angry whenever he says no to me in regards to sex. i've tried playing hard to get and teaching him "lessons" by not asking or giving in to sex, but that doesn't do me any good at all because he can hold out for months!!! one time he held out for about 2 months!!! to me that's definitely not normal. he doesn't even get a hard on when we are dancing at a club. i hate to leave someone of 3 years just because of the sexual problem, but i am at the end of the rope here. i feel like i'm already dead being in a near sexless relationship and trust me....i've had this conversation with him over and over and over again. i told him that i am definitely not a sex maniac. i am a normal young girl who likes to have sex and be intimate with my partner. but he tries to make me feel like i'm not normal. when we do have sex it's nice...i mean it could be better, but i always compromise. i'm sick of compromising. i feel like if we were to get married, i would cheat on him or we would end up getting a divorce. i've already cheated in the relationship because i felt so alone and i just needed that sexual attention that i was lacking with him. i told him about it and strangely enough...he was mad but not that mad. in fact..the next day we were talking again. i thought that was strange because i would've been pissed off if the shoe was on the other foot. i'm not a bad person, even though i made a stupid choice of cheating. i'm just a lonely and sensitive girl that needs intimacy in my life. i asked him if he was gay and he said no over and over again. i asked him if he was cheating and he said no over and over again. so i have no other choice than to just believe that h still and always will have a sexual dysfunction and no medicine will ever work. when i cry because he hurts my feelings after turning me down he turns it into a sympathy party by saying ok fine i'll have sex with you. and of course i'm thinking "fine?!" what the hell does that mean?? i don't want him to feel obligated or forced to have sex with me. i don't even ask for it everyday. i just don't know what to do anymore because he has every other quality that i want in a man. it's hard to let that go simply because someone doesn't want to have sex with you. he always uses the same excuse that he's busy or he's studying and i do honestly give him his time and space to study but not when he consistently uses the same excuse as a shield to protect himself from me. when he wants to have sex, which is rare, suddenly i'm suppose to be ready willing and able, and god forbid i make any type of request. on a good week we have sex about twice a week but that's only because i have to force him. am i being unreasonable? am i a sex maniac? i don't literally want to have sex everyday of the week, but i at least want the feeling...to know that he wants to everyday..i want to know that if i was to ask him right now, that he would say yes...or if i was to touch him in a sexual way, that he would say yes you turn me on, not eww get away from me.

I'm not the most experienced person sexually, but to me, you sound just like me. I've had a few different boyfriends...I was always the one who initiated sex...I seemed to always be the one who wanted it, and they always seemed to turn me down. I don't know why. I'm young too...23. In my opinion, you're completely, utterly normal. If I had a boyfriend willing, I would prob want sex 2 times a day. Maybe we're just cursed with higher libidos? But it doesnt sound like you are out of sync for your age at all. It sounds like your bf is having some issues. Does he have confidence issues? I've found thats the underlying factor in a man's sex drive - if he's no confident or doesnt think he can please you, then he is reluctant to try at all. You said he's seeing a sex therapist - ever tried going with him? Discussing your issues as a couple together in therapy? I've never done that, but I cant imagine it would hurt.

I hope you figure things out. Also, cheating is never a solution. If you feel you need to cheat to gain the kind of attention out of a relationship, maybe you should consider leaving the relationship. I know, you said that sex shouldn't be a reason to break up with someone, but can you honestly say you'd be happy with your bf forever the way you are now? If things don't change, you might need to consider leaving the relationship. It's hard, but you need to make yourself happy above all else...

Hi Formetosee!

Ouch – this sounds like me talking….but Im a guy!! You have my complete and utter sympathy!

A few of your points really struck a chord with me:

“am i being unreasonable?” –- absolutely not!!!

“I've tried playing hard to get and teaching him "lessons" by not asking or giving in to sex” – ouch! – that hurts when that one doesn’t work!……it just confirms that they really are NOT bothered at all!

“I flip out and get really really...and i mean really....angry” – -if we feel our feelings and emotional needs are not shared or acknowledged by our partners, then this will naturally breed resentment. We can only cope with that for so long until it boils over as anger.

“Im sick of compromising” –- we know compromise is part of every relationship, but it needs to be mutual - when its so one sided, you are bound to feel asif you are not being true to yourself, fuelling further resentment

“ok fine i'll have sex with you” –- Yuk, no-one wants ‘pitty sex’!! That’s not the point at all is it??

And lastly…
“on a good week we have sex about twice a week” – I should be so lucky!!

Honestly, I hope you find a way forward…therapy together or whatever it takes, but maybe…it might mean having the strength to recognise that this may not be the relationship for the rest of your life. You’ve talked about this plenty…can he not see how unhappy its making you???

But only you can come to such decisions.

You are indeed still young – please don’t wait another twenty odd years like me just to end up feeling just as resentful and having to be on antidepressants to kill off all your own feelings…that’s no answer, as I know too well!

So best wishes & I hope you find happiness.

MattC

(why oh why oh why….the worlds full of women not happy with their men…and men not happy with their women….whats that all about???)

This sounds a lot like the post I just made about my husband. Twice a week? I'm lucky if I get anything once a month. And in the two and a half years we've known each other--married for just over one year--we have "completed the act" exactly once.

It's strange, how there's this stereotype that men are all about sex, beer, cars, and sports. And here are two women who can't get anything out of our partners without begging.

Don't cheat. I'm not going to cheat. And I'm not going to leave him either, but in your case, leaving him for someone who is a bit more alive might be a better option than it is for me.

I understand completely where you girls (and guy) are coming from!

My boyfriend never initiates sex, and on the very rare occasions that he does it's when i'm almost asleep. Most of the time when i hint at sex he says he's "too tired" or he's "aching too much". Which is fine, but not every time i ask!!

We've been together for coming up to 2 years. I'm 25 and he's 10 years older. We have sex about once or twice a month now, and he's never come when he's on top, only when i'm on top. So even when i do get my way i feel like i'm doing all the work. It seems like it's MY responsibility to satisfy him, and MY responsibility to satisfy myself.

Another thing that bothers me is that my ex was very much into experimenting, light bondage, tying up, blindfolding etc etc.. Whereas my current boyfriend is very "straight" (for want of a better word), he's very reluctant to try anything new.... So even when we do have sex i find it very boring.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about all of this, and told him how it makes me feel (unattractive, unloved)... and he never has much to say about it.

I love him to bits - to the extent that i want us to marry, have kids and a future... I would never cheat on him (though the thought does cross my mind quite regularly) but this really bothers me.

Formetosee~

This may sound like coming from waaaaay outta left field, (and it's just a suggestion.. & many may oppose this immediately)....but, the first thing that came to my mind is have you ever considered a third party inclusion?

From the sound of your bf, he has little, if ANY interest sexually, and because he didn't seem too "put out" over you having an outside affair, just maybe he'd be good with a third inclusion? JUST a thought.
By no means am I encouraging infidelity. I'm talking about a mutually concented inclusion.

For most, those kind of arrangements don't work, but who knows?
Talk to him. What can it hurt? If you're good with it, maybe he might be, as well. And who knows....maybe it just might be enough to stimulate him back into satisfying you. Anything's possible...

Shangrala


Good luck.

Maybe it's just me but I'm seeing this from a very different angle. First off, the cheating didn't seem to hurt him that much from your point of view which could point to all number of different things but it's hard to tell. Steroid use can have terrible side effects and it often results in shrinking of the genitals. While you and him may be comfortable with each other, I know a lot of guys who worry about their penis size (me included). While this may not be his main reason, it could be one of many. It may just be a combination of many factors that are leading too it.

One thing is that you should have to make him have sex. Sadly thought, if he says no, the answer should be no. Although you may want it, if he doesn't then it probably shouldn't happen. I've seen people who lose their sex drive because their partner became demanding sexually and it made them feel like they were forced to have sex to keep up, which in turn, made it feel cheap and no longer special for them. I'm not saying that's the reason, but it may be making it harder on him to recover if he feels rushed.

If he is seeing a sex therapist then, despite your urges, it might be best leaving him be for a while and focusing more on the emotional aspect of sex. People often say how their relationship is perfect, save for the area of sex but let's face it, it's important and it failing can have much deeper roots in the relationship than you think. It sounds like you should have a talk with him about everything and try to work through both of your feelings.

that really sucks! when hypo manic i can't get enough, twice a day if my wife lets. I've never strayed but had strong urges to. but life is more than sex. it is important part of intimacy though. if he doesn't meet your emotional needs life is too short. fix it or get out. this should not be worrisome. everyone deserves to be happy, but we are the only ones to make ourselves happy.

sorry if this sounds a little harsh but I've bin alittle pissy about people not being brutally honest with me lately.

What happens if you do not ask for sex.... but instead just go for it via touching caressing and kissing him (not forgetting his secret place) as to arouse him?

Is it a problem with intamacy or do yoiu think that it is possibly a phycial problem on his part. I know that I was on a certain anti depressant for a while that lowered my sex drive (bad) and also make it almost impossible for me to achieve an orgasum (even worse) my wife was understanding but I changed meds the next time I saw my psychritist.