[Elysium]

Sexual intimacy just SCARES me to death.

I'm okay on the giving end....sorta, but horrible on the receiving end and just feel like I have better things to do. That probably sounds crass...but the thought of a partner getting pleasure from doing sexual things to me makes my stomach lurch and makes me want to run away screaming.

The thought of being thought of as a sexual being at all makes me want to run away screaming.

I take care of myself when it comes to sexual needs and desires...and I'm okay with this. But it is lonely because if there is no partner...there is no cuddling, snuggling, warmth...etc.

But I don't want all that with sex involved....I want it without the sex.

I have these rules for myself....sex with others is gross...it is disgusting and foul...and painful physically and emotionally.

But for everyone else...I see it as a normal, healthy act that is part of the human experience.

I'd like to say that none of this really bothers me, because I don't really want it to. But obviously if I am posting here...I guess it does bother me.

I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" when it comes to sexual intimacy with other people. As much as I want the closeness...the threat of sex...of totally giving myself up to another person...of allowing another person to be so intrusive upon me....

It just makes me nauseous to think about it.

[Miracle1986]

(((Elysium)))
You are much like me.
I long for a relationship where there is no expectation of anything physical.
I am more than fine with the hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc, but I wish there
was no expectation of anything more than that.

[NuckingFutz]

What if someone who has earned your trust wanted to please you sexually for your pleasure approached you...would you still be uncomfortable? Just tryhng to understand this feeling you have.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

What if someone who has earned your trust wanted to please you sexually for your pleasure approached you...would you still be uncomfortable? Just tryhng to understand this feeling you have.

Yep...I wouldn't want that. And just knowing that that person did want it would freak me out.

I don't think anyone could ever earn enough of my trust for me to be okay with this. I have had sexual experiences before, not actual intercourse, but foreplay and I had to pretend I was a wh*re to even be able to experience the slightest amount of pleasure. And after we were done, all I wanted to do was to get out of where I was...do anything but stay there.

Foreplay is scary for me, and uncomfortable, but the act of intercourse, to me, is extremely intrusive and feels overwhelmingly bad.

Hug me, snuggle me, kiss me out of love and I'm fine....but the moment it turns into a sexual thing I just can't take it and do not want it. One thing that I know about myself though...is when I talk about love, I am not talking about sexual/intimate love. I don't see sex as love...at all. So when I say that I want something out of love, I don't mean sexual love.

And it's weird...the only reason it bothers me is because I know it's not normal. Not having sex doesn't bother me. But most people don't want a sexless, or intercourseless relationship.

I just can't stand the thought of someone invading me in that way.

[Bias Logic]

I think the difference is that people who DO want such interactions don't really feel it as an invasion, but more of something to share with someone. Not to say you are bad or wrong for feeling otherwise, but that seems to be why you are so against it.

I guess the question becomes is there a way for you to work on not thinking about it in that light. I don't have any answers, but if you want to find a different mindset, you should try to.

I also agree that sex isn't love. But at the same time, sex means different things for different people. Some people like it for the same reason they enjoy reading a book, its enjoyable. For me, it was always about the bond with a person. While sex isn't love, I couldn't imagine having it with anyone I didn't love. Love is a prerequisite for sex, but doesn't necessarily mean its a necessity.

[googley]

Elysium-
If I remember correctly you have a history of CSA. I don't think that your reaction is at all surprising given your history. When we have been violated by those we are supposed to be able to trust (or not protected by those who should have protected us) and protect us it can be hard to see how others would be trustworthy. How can we believe that we will be safe with someone new when those who were supposed to be safe in the past were not. I was sexually assaulted in high school by another student and I have nightmares about intimacy. The idea of another person touching me in that way brings all the feelings of horror and fear and dirtyness up again. I can totally understand how you could have reservations about being intimate with someone. Have you talke to your T about this? I always feel like it is one of those areas I'm really good at avoiding.

[tryingtobeme]

((((((((((((((((Elysium))))))))))))))

You post spoke to me in such away that I can completly understand your feelings. Our feelings seem to be the same way. As my T says, my sexuality is scewed because of the life that I had. Could this be the same with you? I urge you to speak to your T if you haven't already done so. I am currently going on 3 weeks of discussing this with my T. It is helping but it's happening very slowly.

Do take care of yourself and know that your feelings about this are more normal than you think. Take care.

[skeksi]

Elysium, you are not alone. I feel exactly the same way. I was in a very long term relationship before I got into therapy, and I did all the sex stuff because I felt like I had to. I felt like a container, a thing, an object, and I hated it. I hated getting turned on because it was scary.

I have not been in a relationship since I started therapy several years ago. For me, this is a step forward. At least I am not forcing myself do do things that feel abusive anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a relationship again, but from where I stand now that seems highly unlikely.

I don't have a CSA history, either. "Just" physical abuse. But I seem to have generalized from that to form a sort of five-foot bubble around myself that I can't have crossed.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I don't have a CSA history, either. "Just" physical abuse.

Oh, Skeksi....

Please don't invalidate your trauma like that. Abuse is abuse, regardless of what form it comes in. I think from your quote marks that you know that, but it just hurts to hear you make this statement. As if there is one form that is less damaging than another. It is with sadness that I hope everyone can recognize that.

I thank you and everyone for your responses. I talked with T about some of this today and we are working around it for now. T feels she'd like me to have a stronger foundation before getting to far in to this part of our work.

[skeksi]

Oh, I know they are just the same. I don't see much difference between the types of abuse & trauma, I am just surprised that I have such extensive sexual effects without any sexual abuse.

I am so glad to hear that you talked about this with T a little bit. Going slow (and in some case taking detours!) will get you there in the end, lol. Be well.

[AtreyuFreak]

(((((((((Elysium)))))))))))) if ok

Elysium and Skeksi:

Everything you both said reflects EXACTLY how I feel. I have a history of CSA, and I've also just kinda "gone with it" when guys wanted to do stuff; I never enjoyed it, and I often ended up with horrible panic attacks right in front of them, which of course freaked the h*ll out of them.

Elysium: I think you are brave for posting this, and I thank you for it. I have always felt I was a bit of an oddity in this area, that nobody had this problem. It hurts my heart to think that someone else had to go through CSA and that they have to deal with the consequences now; but you're not alone. if ok.

I haven't told my T about any of this; though she is a PTSD specialist, and therefore has probably heard some f***ed up s*** from people, I CANNOT talk to her about intimacy or sex. I can't talk to ANYONE about it. I should probably force myself too...but it just kinda brings back those feelings of being invaded, you know?