Not Sure what to title this....

I dissociate during sex, I am unable to reach orgasm, and have been like this for years, but not willing to admit it or talk about it. So when I am with a guy, and I never reach orgasm, and he does cum, I feel like a complete slut. I feel as though I am being used. But then again i like the physical of being with a guy. I guess I want to know if anyone has been in this position, and what did you do about it? I am far from talking to T about this, too embarrassed. Thanks for listening!

I just want you to know that I am the same way.
You are not alone.
I hope someone else may have some advice/answers.

I have DID so yes I have dissociated during sex and obtaining therapy while being upfront and honest with my T has really helped me to uncover the issues that we taking me away from my love making - I now remain grounded more than not during sex and when I do happen to dissociate during sex I just go along with enjoying the physical of being with my husband.

had t session today, just could not bring it up. Wish i could find a way to touch upon the subject.

I found that writing down the issue on a piece of paper and handing it over to my T to read usually worked to open the door for me on a hard subject.

oh I know EXACTLY what you mean! I've always had this problem. I grew up with a very frigid mom who taught that only sluts enjoyed sex, everything was nasty and so on. She was also not affectionate so as an adult, It's been tough trying to be comfortable receiving intimacy even though it's what I really really want. I've had a whole lot of short term flings that left me feeling less of a person. I remember feeling the physical pleasure, but not fully accepting it. I definitely remember feeling disconnected from it, never really understanding why.

Within the past year and a half things have been getting better, I ended up meeting my best male friend who I've hooked up with a few times. Eventually he told me that he had a hard time orgasming because I seemed so disconnected from it, that I didn't even really move! I had no idea my discomfort was that apparent. I even went so far as to ask another male friend who I'd been with what he thought, and he confirmed it. Then I kind of realized why most of the guys I've been with never came. Why most of em never called again, etc.

Well, recently was the 1st time I've had sex since he told me that (like 9 months or so... been celibate). It was with him again, so It was easier to be more comfortable. We're really close and I've loved him for a while, so there's trust. It was INCREDIBLE! I think the reasons why it was so good and why I was able to fully be there and enjoy and let go were because I've been making a great deal of progress recently with being more comfortable in my own skin and content in my life and the fact that I was being intimate with someone that I love and trust. And after he told me that, It made me realize that I needed to take time to work on myself and not settle for less than what I want and deserve.

It's been almost 2 years since I've had casual sex and I can honestly say I don't crave it. I think I dissociated partly because I never felt respected or wanted by men, because I never had one really IN my life before my best friend. I had a wall as big as the great wall in my mind. I had no clear idea of what I wanted, what I was doing and I was just terribly insecure. Swearing off casual sex was the best thing I could have done. I've learned to enjoy my own company because I'm not worried over dates. The time I used to spend cruising for men, I've focused on my art, and people are taking notice! This has skyrocketed my self esteem alone. I've also learned to be more relaxed and to appreciate the company of the person more, rather than feeling the pressure to make it something more. My best advice: stop dating, stop hooking up and be friends 1st. There is no real intimacy without love and trust. Also: If he doesn't treat you like your best friend, it's not a healthy relationship.
Hope some of that helps!

talk with your therapist. they might have some ideas of how you can be less anxious and triggered during sex so that you dont dissociate. I was having that problem but after my partner and I talked with my therapist we found ways that would help me stay grounded at the same time enjoy intimate time with my partner.

you might want to include a talk with your therapist about the basics of sex like cumming isnt the same as having an orgasm. one of the things I had a problem with was that I thought cumming was the orgasm but after my therapist explained the basics I realized I not a man so I dont have "cum" and cant pass cum. LOL

Cum is semen the liquid that a man secrets before and during sex thats called the pre cum to help lubricate, and then when a man reaches the high point he ejaculates his cum (semen fluid that contains the same fluid in pre cum and sperm) during his orgasm.

a womans has a fluid thats called discharge or vaginal lubricant or vaginal fluid to help lubricate during sex too and then when they reach their highest point they have an orgasm. women don't always "squirt fluid" every time they have sex. they just feel real good and kind of shaky because their uterus and vagina are contracting, sometimes we women also get short of breath at this point too.

the only time us women "squirt" or let loose fluid during orgasm is if you have what is called a "G- Spot orgasm" theres a spot on the upper side of a womans vagina called the G- Spot. that spot if stimulated it will give you the feeling like an orgasm and at the same time feel like your bladder is full and then you pass fluid through the urethra (where you pass urine.). to find the G spot its the distance of the tip of your longest finger and index finger inside the vagina. you want to aim for the roof towards your bladder just above the pelvic bone.

if you are comfortable with it, you might want to learn to find and stimulate it on your own first so you can explain to your partner where it is so you can have G - Spot orgasms with him.

I used to think I was supposed to have an orgasm every time I had sex. it happens that way in all the romance books right why not real life. My therapist set me straight on that too. she said women don't get orgasms every single time they have sex. Sometimes the body is just too tired to react, sometimes medication makes it impossible to have an orgasm every time, sometimes the vagina just hasn't been stimulated in a way that would get the orgasm rolling, sometimes things interfere with it like not really being ready for intercourse yet. for some people it takes something called fore play. until both partners are ready for intercourse. Sometimes a woman tries so hard to have an orgasm that they end up short circuiting and not having one.

Talk to your therapist bet they can come up with some great ideas that you can be comfortable with to get the ball rolling for you.

Thank you for your post, flora. I have been through the swearing off casual sex time and time again, but cant seem to keep it. I begin to really hate it and stop for months and then feel the desire to be with someone and go out and find someone to hook up with. And continue that for a few days looking for different men. I find it hard to meet guys to date, and dont know where to go.

I've been through that too! I know it's easier said than done. What helped for me is being more satisfied with my social life. Since I moved in with a friend and we have company a lot, I don't feel the need to go out and find guys. You'll get there, it won't happen overnight. Just try to talk to your therapist about it and focus more of your mental energy on being healthy rather than hooking up. Again, I know, easier said than done... but the point is it CAN be done.

Social life? Good one...I need one.Will have to work on that and see how it affects my desire to go out and find a guy. thanks, Flora!

I too have a lot of sexual issues. I had a wonderful therapist that I was working with for almost 7 yrs and I NEVER brought it up. My current T and I have been working together for about 2.5 yrs and I finally got up the nerve to open up the discussion. This is how I did it, "My friend, X, thinks I really need to start talking about my issues with sex in therapy. It is really hard for me though and I don't know how to start." She was very gentle with me and did a lot of filling in the blanks for me (i.e. I would hint at something and then she would guess until I confirmed she was right.) I also closed my eyes some of the time. Now we have been talking about these issues for 2 mos and I alreayd feel WAY more comfortable talking about it AND my issues have started to improve a little.

So, my suggestion is to work up your courage to talk to T. T's hear stuff like this all the time. My second suggestion would be to buy some books on the topics. I have recently been reading a book called "Healing Sex: A mind-body approach to healing sexual trauma" (deals with some of the issues you talked about, geared toward abuse survivors) and another books called "For Yourself: The fulfillment of female sexuality" (about achieving orgasm, much info on self-stimulation).

Hope this helps!

Best,
Emily

Thanks for the book suggestions, I will look into them. thanks for posting!

I really hope that you are protecting yourself during the binges.

Before I knew I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I used to do this. It has been happening more often now since I'm under more stress. I try to enjoy just being with my parnter, but sometimes I push her away because I feel stupid like WTF am I doing? I do orgasm sometimes, but I want it to be the way it was. I say this to say that you aren't alone.