[AkAngel]

I don’t know where to post this. The community guidelines regarding sexually oriented posts has me a bit wary and so I am attempting to post this in the sexual addictions forum, despite it’s lack of fit. I’d ask any moderator to please move this wherever appropriate and forgive me if I have misplaced it.

I’m a 45-year-old man in good health that has never had what I would call a healthy sex drive. Every relationship I’ve ever had has been impacted adversely by my lack of interest in sex. At the risk of being too explicit, I would rather just masturbate, as sex itself seems a bit too much like work. I can get the job done quicker and better by myself than I can with a partner. I am in a relationship now with a woman whom I love beyond my capacity to describe. We have not yet consummated our relationship sexually however, though that day is coming. It is not unusual for me to desire sex at this point in the relationship and this time is no exception, but I fear that my desire will follow the pattern of dropping off soon after the first time.

I’m not sure what else is germane but here’s a few thoughts: I love physical affection in a relationship – holding hands, cuddling, kissing, yet when it leads to sex I am disappointed that the cuddling or kissing is over, not excited that we are moving on. That leads to avoiding physical affection. I am a talented lover and have no problem communicating to my partner what my own likes and dislikes are as well – however, communicating to them that I prefer masturbation to sex with them because it’s too much like work isn’t a good option so please don’t suggest it..:.J

I don’t know what information to give, please ask what you like – it is important to me that this relationship does not suffer as we move forward and I am willing to do anything to prevent jeopardizing it.

Hi AkAngel
This is tough stuff to talk about, so I commend you for your courage. I am female, but otherwise could have written just about every word of your post. I am slowly starting to understand that this is one of the many ways in which my difficulty with real intimacy manifests, including intimacy with myself. That is about all I can say about it in my own case. I have been single for 10 years now, and one of the reasons for that is avoidance of this whole issue. This is something I know I will be hoping to look into in therapy, but I haven't quite got to the point of taking about things like this there. I do know that on the few occasions when I have connected to someone on an emotional level while being sexual, it has not seemed like 'work.' I don't have any real answers for you...but you are not alone..

[Rhapsody]

As I read your post the thought that you might be suffering from fear of intimacy with the opposite sex came to mind, hence why you probably have a low sex drive and prefer masturbation to regular sexual satisfaction with your significant other... men are at their most vulnerable emotionally when they are having sex and they often feel deeply during this time even if they do not desire to do so.

Is this a possibility for what you are dealing with?
Have you ever heard about Sexual Anorexia? if not look into it.

[Yoda]

Hello AkAngel

I think I understand what you are saying. At times I feel the same way but at other times I want sex. It depends most on my energy level.

I learned how to pleasure my partner and him, me without sex. Like having foreplay for awhile and mutual pleasure without "traditional" sex. Talk to your partner. It can be fun. Buy some sex toys for each of you and use them together and show each other what feels good.

You can share fantasies. Create mood with music or whatever appeals to your sensual side.

Be creative and have fun.

[AkAngel]

Thank you all for your comments.

Ripley: Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this...and there must have been some courage on your part to self-identify so I wouldn't be standing out there alone.

Rhapsody: I looked up sexual anorexia and while I found it interesting, I think I can rule it out. In the description, the article said, "...fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content." I have no fear or anxiety around sex (I just have almost no drive and find it a mild nuisance) at all but more importantly the article expounded upon it's discussion regarding relationships with emotional content to say, "...but more accurately fit the definition of sexual anorexic in that they seem to lack the ability to have a relationship of a sexual nature beyond a paid-for or anonymous experience." I find no allure in a paid for or anonymous experience. I have never had any desire to sleep with anyone for whom I did not have feelings.

Yoda: Well, when the relationship turns sexual I will certainly use everything I can. My partner and my communication about any and all things, including sex, is second to none. She is my best friend and you know those things you don't even tell your best friend? We tell each other those too.

I suspect that fear of intimacy is going to be a recurring theme as people try to help me answer my question, but one I don't feel that I have any problems with. However, it is possible that it is my definition of intimacy is different than yours - or that it should be in order to be accurate. Would someone mind definnig it for me so I can make sure we are on the same page? I know I can look it up myself, but I'm wondering if there is a chance that there is a special psychological use that I'm missing.

In my opinion it is the depth of our intimacy that I love the most about our relationship. Whether we are talking about our abuse issues as children or the weather, our conversation flows as easily, in fact more easily, than if we were having the conversation alone in our heads - it is safer and more enjoyable with both of us.

I do appreciate the replies, I've tried to explain a little better because I left a good deal out of the original post - please be patient.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

Rhapsody: I looked up sexual anorexia and while I found it interesting, I think I can rule it out. In the description, the article said, "...fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sex with emotional content." I have no fear or anxiety around sex (I just have almost no drive and find it a mild nuisance) at all but more importantly the article expounded upon it's discussion regarding relationships with emotional content to say, "...but more accurately fit the definition of sexual anorexic in that they seem to lack the ability to have a relationship of a sexual nature beyond a paid-for or anonymous experience." I find no allure in a paid for or anonymous experience. I have never had any desire to sleep with anyone for whom I did not have feelings.

Hmmm - very interesting description you gave of Sexual Anorexia as I have never read the part of finding sex else where when I looked into the issue for my own husband... but any who here is a test that you can take on the subject to see if you have it.


SEXUAL ANOREXIA SCREENING TEST

(Check yes or no as it applies to yourself or your partner)

Withholding love from partner.

Withholding praise or appreciation from partner.

Controlling by silence or anger.

Ongoing or ungrounded criticism causing isolation.

Withholding sex from your partner.

Unwillingness or inability to discuss feelings with partner.

Staying so busy that they have no relational time for the partner.

Making the problems or issues about your partner instead of owning their own issues.

Controlling or shaming partner with money issues.

If you answered 0 to 4 questions yes, it does not appear that you or your partner are currently struggling with sexual anorexia.
If you answered 5 to 9 questions yes, you or your partner are currently struggling with sexual anorexia.


http://www.intimatematters.com/SexAnorexiaTest.html

[Perna]

I didn't get a sense of fear of intimacy from reading your post but more of a habit sort of thing. You allowed yourself to get use to masturbation rather than interaction with another person; it's kind of like what happens if we fantasize too much during sex, we're lest "present" and that can get in the way of a relationship with a particular person.

I would share your "preference" with your love and see if she isn't willing to help you change the behavior, if you and she both want that? I think if you do a lot of touching/cuddling/tantalizing with promises of more afterwards, might help you think differently/that the act is "worth it"?

[lynn P.]

I was wondering if you've had a hormone profile done - do you find it's getting worse as you get older? Have your testosterone level checked as well, since women also have testosterone. Are you able to communication what you like during sex? Since you said you do a better job, could you teach your partner to do what you do?

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by Perna

I didn't get a sense of fear of intimacy from reading your post but more of a habit sort of thing. You allowed yourself to get use to masturbation rather than interaction with another person; it's kind of like what happens if we fantasize too much during sex, we're lest "present" and that can get in the way of a relationship with a particular person.

*nods nods* Perhaps, though I may have overstated by inference the amoutn of masturbation that I do. Perhaps once a week, though I could certainly stop that in the interest of improving my sexual desire.

Originally Posted by Perna

I would share your "preference" with your love and see if she isn't willing to help you change the behavior, if you and she both want that? I think if you do a lot of touching/cuddling/tantalizing with promises of more afterwards, might help you think differently/that the act is "worth it"?

You've said something in here that I think might be helpful, though I'm not sure if you meant it that way...regardless, thank you. I LOVE touching/cuddling/tantalizing... though I don't love the act of sex itself. Touching/cuddling/kissing etc. leads me to want more touching/cuddling/kissing not sex. BUT! <-- big but...

Your use of the phrase 'promises of more afterwards' got me thinking. If we did the whole touching/cuddling/kissing thing (I love making out and substituted kissing for tantalizing cause I couldn't bear the thought of no kisses from my honey ) and then stopped, went out to eat dinner or watched a movie or whatever... I could totally see that desire for more touching/cuddling/kissing becoming enflamed until it could only be doused with sex. Once I start cuddling/kissing/touching...I never want to stop - sex makes it stop...yes, yes, I know it doesn't really stop during sex but it's a distraction. I'm not saying this well... When she kisses me, the feel of her lips on mine, the emotions that are let loose, the connection that I feel...are pretty overwhelming. I can't absorb all of that if sex is happening too - it's like too much is going on. Does that make sense?

Anyway, but if we were doing the whole kissing/cuddling/touching thing and stopped... and I was left unsatiated, I could totally see my sexual desire rising and almost going nuts until I had more of her. ~hopeful look~

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I was wondering if you've had a hormone profile done - do you find it's getting worse as you get older? Have your testosterone level checked as well, since women also have testosterone. Are you able to communication what you like during sex? Since you said you do a better job, could you teach your partner to do what you do?

I've never had a hormone profile done, no. I haven't found it getting worse as I've gotten older though. I don't know that it is a factor but I suspect it might be, that I am about as alpha male as anyone which does, I believe, have a direct correlation to testosterone.

As far as communication goes, yes, I have no qualms about communicating what I like or prefer during or before/after sex - I'm not shy. As for doing a better job...what I meant was just that one has a lot more dexterity in one's hands or fingers say then in one's sex organs, therefore it seesm to me, and it has been my experience, that I achieve the least amount of pleasure from intercourse itself and the most from foreplay. I tend to want to finish with foreplay, achieving orgasm there - even if it's after hours of foreplay, rather than to move on to 'fiveplay' (re: intercourse). Intercourse intself seems anticlimatic to me.

[Yoshi]

AkAngel, I agree with Perna 100%.
I think you are used to masturbation rather than sex.

There are other possible things though.
Like a Hormone imbalace.

I think that you like sex-but are not much interested in intercorse, which I can relate to that.
Maybe your going threw some deppression, stress?
This can be the cause to.

Sometimes people do not want sex- because they feel like they have to do all the work-instead of the woman, which is true in most cases.

Maybe instead of intercoarse do some Oral sex?

I recommend that you try to stop masturbating for a long period of time- I think that after you stoped masturbation, you with want sex.
But then again everyone is different.

I hope everything goes well for you and let us know how your doing.

AkAngel; this is the first time I've read this thread; Ripley--gee; I gotta say it; I am the same way.

Sex (actual intercourse) is, and was always anticlimactic (pardon the pun) for me.

But you might be interested in the fact that the French call it "le petit mort"=
the little death----Once you have sex; it's over.

I much prefer kissing, cuddling etc..
Also, as i have been pretty much Asexual for so many years; masturbation is a great outlet for me also--hey; I just do it better!!!

I have to admit, I miss the kissing and cuddling part ---but there are few men that want it to end at that.

Strange, you echoed my libido exactly; and it's not Sexual Anorexia, Fear of Intimacy
either-----I just don't have the "energy" for it. I ne'er did.----thanks---------theo

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I was wondering if you've had a hormone profile done - do you find it's getting worse as you get older? Have your testosterone level checked as well, since women also have testosterone. Are you able to communication what you like during sex? Since you said you do a better job, could you teach your partner to do what you do?

I'm a little embarassed. When I wrote this post for some reason I thought you were a woman. Now I realize you're a man. Have you always been like this or has it become worse as you get older?

You said you have a low sex drive. Can you clarify - does this mean you have a low drive for sex with your partner or does this mean you even don't masturbate enough due to low drive? It's possible to become so used to self pleasuring where they lose their sex desire for traditional.

Some people who have no medical reasons for low sex drive fall under the category called 'Asexual'.