There Are No Guidebooks for This!

Greetings,

I'm a mostly-gay-identified FTM transsexual. I've been on hormone replacement therapy for almost three years. I'm completely pre-op but not too happy about that (it's mostly other health issues and uncertainty about payment for the operations that are holding me back.) I'm sort of a latecomer in the trans world. I only came out to myself and started the process of transitioning in 2006 when I was around 29-30 years old. I've always felt not-female but was heavily involved in a strict conservative religious community that taught that questioning one's gender and sexuality was a grave sin. I'm out of that now and moving on, with only a few speed bumps I'm still working through. I'm very well adjusted to my identity as a man and am "read" as male a good 99% of the time... I only get the "ma'am" from behind because I have long hair and often carry a "man bag."

Anyway, I'm despairing quite a bit here because I'm terribly lonely. I'm dealing with agoraphobia and social anxiety, probably a bit of Avoidant Personality Disorder, too, but no official diagnosis there yet. Because I'm human, and have human needs and desires, however, I do want to meet guys and date. Thing is, I have no idea how to do this. Because of my social anxiety, I'm extremely reluctant to go to groups to meet people, and even when I do, I'm so focused on my own anxiety and fear amidst other people that I never remember names. Even if someone piques my interest, I'm way too shy to walk up and introduce myself. To top this off, because of my trans status, I am terrified of rejection because I'm not physically congruent with my gender. (On that note, if I had a dollar for every time I got rejected after coming out to guys I meet on dating sites, I could just hire a rent boy... seriously.)

I'm a bookish type. I have browsed nearly every bookstore that's come across my path. I know that guidebooks for dating for men are rare, guides for gay men are even rarer, and there's just flat out NOTHING for transfolk... dare I say there's even less than that for gay transguys? (Less than zero? How's that work?! LOL)

I guess what I'd like to know is this:

1. Where do I meet gay guys who aren't shallow, only seeking a good-looking dude with all the "right" proportions? Keeping in mind that I'm physically unable to play sports and am very shy, quiet and understated, nerdy bookish type...

2. The disclosure issue: Do I tell him up front about my trans status and not waste his time (or mine) or do I let him get to know me and then tell, giving him the challenge of figuring out if anatomy is more important than having a loving, caring, sensitive companion at his side?

3. And maybe this is a remnant of internalized homophobia I still have left... but I'm working on it... are there gay guys out there in the world who DON'T judge other men by their physical appearance and attributes? I'm sure there are, but I need confirmation. Sexual intimacy isn't a make-or-break thing for me but I'm not unwilling to be intimate with a partner. But sex isn't my primary motivation in life. I'd love nothing more than a partner to share my life with. I'm just so tired of running up against people who are gay, proud, yet transphobic. I'm not even picky; I'd date other transmen if I knew any.

Advice, assistance and kind regard for my situation and limitations would be highly appreciated. Thanks.

-Kyle

Hi and welcome to PC.

We have a GLBT group here on PC that you might want to check out and ask your questions there along with here. http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=110

I don't know the answers to your questions. Are you in therapy to help with your agoraphobia and social anxiety? Would you feel comfortable talking with your therapist about your fears about dating and self-acceptance?

I hope that people are able to give you good advice.

I am in therapy. I just have so many issues going at the same time that I fear I'll never be able to touch on them all, much less make any headway (not to mention I'm in the public mental healthcare system, so once I do start to make leeway with a therapist, he or she always moves on, abandoning me.) I suspect that some of my agoraphobia and social anxiety stems from the fact that I am transgendered. I'm being read as male 99% of the time on the street... I'll get "ma'am" sometimes only because I have long hair and carry a "man bag" wherever I go. I'm often worried that once I get too close to someone and disclose, or if they suspect on their own independently, that I'll be rejected due to the fact that my physical gender doesn't match my internal gender.

Yes, I am a member of the LGBTQ group but haven't become active there yet. I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes since I don't usually participate in forums on the 'net. I'm more of a blogger usually.

My case manager, working in the role of a therapist, knows about these issues. He is LGBT-friendly, so I feel open to discussing my gender and sexuality issues with him. Like I said, I'm just so overwhelmed with problems that I feel like I'll never get around to addressing anything, much less actually resolving them. Because of my PTSD, I've always had a sense of shortened lifespan; frankly I'm surprised I made it to age 35. I was almost killed in a car crash when I was 14 and almost didn't make it. I count myself lucky to have made it this far. But because I'm starting to have issues with my diabetes, and let's face it, none of us are getting any younger, I feel like I'm running out of time. I won't get the chance to experience most of what life has to offer already, and if I don't hurry up and get better, at least in part, then I may die alone and unloved as well.

-Kyle

I have a buddy in the Seattle area who is VERY active nationally in support etc for GLBT persons. I can pick his brain to see if he knows of anything/anyone in your area that might fit your needs. BTW I would NOT use your name or your psych central name... just say I know a gay FTM in his area that is looking for ways to connect with other men. IF you want. If anyone would know of accepting, no pressure places in your area he would. ONLY with your permission though.

He was the first person I was out with as Bi even though I had only known him a very short time and he could make me or break me professionally. I have known him many years now and he is more awesome than ever.

Absolutely! I have had a few suggestions from well-meaning people in the past, but they were just general ideas without consideration of my particular circumstances. I have no idea going into these groups if they are trans-friendly, unless they are trans-specific groups. I already know of one that meets every Wednesday night. Unfortunately, when I went back to them last year, the other young and attractive FTMs in the group had formed a clique, and one of them in particular designated himself the "unofficial" welcoming committee for all male-identified newcomers. I say unfortunately because, apparently since I am not young, thin, attractive nor surgically "appropriate" like they all were, they left me to languish alone in the corner and treated me with contempt. My attempts to wedge myself in and become one of the group were met with resistance, of course. I have been back once this year and those particular people weren't there. People move in and out of that group all the time, so I can't say they're still there and active. I made the board of directors of the group aware of what was going on, so maybe they were able to intervene; it just makes me feel like a whiny baby for not getting to play with "the big kids." Just letting you know that I've never had the best circumstances with regards to groups like this. Finding one where there's zero pressure and that can be as trans-accepting as possible would be wonderful. Please let me know what you find, and it is okay to use my name or screen name; I'm basically out to everyone. -Kyle

This was my friends suggestion. I hope it isn't the same place you were at.
http://www.ingersollcenter.org/node

That is the place. Any other suggestions would be welcome and helpful. -Kyle

Dang... I was afraid of that. I will keep at it and see if he comes up with anything else. I will also try picking some other brains too... That guy just happens to be my #1 go to guy for that kind of thing.

hi, i am an out gay man and member of the lgbt forum here at PC. like yourself, i am older, have weight, appearance, social anxiety, PTSD and (pre-)diabetes issues and have not found a lot of welcoming in the community. feel welcome to PM me.

i understand your need for acceptance and friendship and love. is there an lgbt center in seattle? does it have 12-step program meetings? usually, there are compassionate people in those meetings. it would give you practice talking and doing fellowship afterwards would help socially.

as for hanging out with gay men . . . so much of the scene consists of former tricks who become friends. i've never been comfortable with it since i don't sleep around much. the gay men that i know want sex with other gay men or curious straight men. you actually might find more interested straight men. however, before you explore that option, i would suggest exploring your personal interests and hobbies as meeting others with the same interests would facilitate conversation and friendship. for instance, if you like cinema, going the the lgbt film festival or gay themed movies shown in gay neighborhood theaters. are there many lgbt coffee shops in seattle where you could hang?

I think that's part of my despair in thinking about the LGBT community, not homophobia but some unchallenged notion that gay men are superficial and only want "anatomically-correct" men, casual sex, and no real relationships. I know in the back of my mind that these are harmful stereotypes and that there must be gay men out there who aren't just out for copious anonymous sex... but I have yet to refute my claim in any way and the men who actually do want relationships and don't care about size (not to mention presence) of genitalia are all hiding or already taken. I just think that, because of my challenges, appearance and the difficulty of meeting people in the first place, I'm a lost cause.

See, a big part of my problem is that I have PTSD, anxiety, abuse and abandonment issues, so it's hard enough going through the daily grind of maintaining a life, even a lonely one, just getting my basic needs met. I don't drive, and public transportation drains away all my energy. I'm lucky if I have enough wherewithal to do much else than grocery shop and go home. I've resorted to taking taxis to medical and mental health appointments because I'm so taxed by the time I get there that I can't adequately communicate my needs to the staff. I really wish I could go to social groups, but I'm so afraid and anxious that I can't remember names to save my own life. I'm overwhelmed with the thought that people are judging me. Besides, I have limitations with travel and many of the groups out there meet in the evening and let out late at night. I live outside of Seattle proper in a gang- and drug-infested neighborhood. I don't travel after dark if I can help it. Certainly I do know one org in the gay community puts on a clean and sober game night every week. However, this starts at 8pm and can go as late as 1 am. Most gays congregate around the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle. Unfortunately, due to gentrification and the "convenience" of centralized downtown living, apartments there are very expensive; I couldn't afford to live there if I wanted to. (The reason I live way out in the sticks is because of the housing affordability issue. It's a well-known phenomenon here caused by political corruption from the last administration.)

There are not a whole lot of options in the community convenient to me, and in fact this is where all the homophobes live. There's frequent crime and gang activity in these parts... and gangs are homophobic. So if you live in this area, you're either "in" the big city or you're "out" and God be with your poor damned soul.

I won't even mention the one experience I did have with a group since I've explained that before. Even in the "embrace diversity" community there's a tendency to clique. If you're not "pretty" or skinny or have the "right" genitalia, then you're not worth anything. I don't even listen to the "right" music or wear the "right" clothes, apparently. Because I have integrity, even a little bit, I am not going to force myself to change just to make strangers happy. Take me as I am or leave me, I guess. Unfortunately that leaves me lonely still and friendless. I can only be me; if I become someone else, others may love me but I'd hate myself.

Anyway, feel free to PM me as well. I've been going through so much difficulty lately that I need to step back a bit. I don't know what else to say. I just want a reason to live. Only, I may have to resign myself to the idea that I'll never live a full life since I'm unlovable.

-K

i am sorry to hear you are so unhappy. rather than go to bars, my only suggestion that is you try placing a personal ad - Craig's List has a "misc romance" section. i wish you the best. hang in there.