[MsBunny]

I think I'm a lesbian after a girl called me one but I've been avoiding it this whole time and passing it off as paranoia from being called one.

I bet that all along I knew this. But I didn't want to know it so I tried to believe that it was just me being paranoid. I bet I'm only scared of acceptance. I don't want to tell my parents... I feel like crying every time I think about telling them. Stupid me always thought that I was straight. I was always really shy and because of it I barely had friends. I had always hoped that There's no going back now, I guess. I guess I was a lesbian this entire time. But I still don't want to face the truth. I was happy all day because I had thought that lesbians felt the same way about girls as I had thought about boys. But later- just a few hours ago- I saw a naked girl inside a movie and I don't think I minded it. Then I started panicking and went up to take a shower. While in the shower, I started crying thinking of being a lesbian and wondering why I could just be normal like everyone else was. Why don't I even get as much as this? I hate myself enough and I always took comfort in knowing that one day I would be out of school and happily married to a man. I wanted children- but now I can't have children because I don't want my kid to grow up being confused with two moms.
I 'realized' that I must be a lesbian when a girl in my class called me one last school year after I called her one. I went up stairs to write this up in my room so parents would see it and so I wouldn't start crying about it. I don't want to be a lesbian and I feel like I could actually stab myself in the hand, whereas earlier on I wasn't thinking of harming myself in any way. I don't want to be a lesbian but now it feels like I'm stuck. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
All lesbians are noticed as weird from birth and I have always been a weird and socially-awkward person. Homosexulaity OCD is a thing that mainly men get which means that I probably don't have it. Hell, what if I don't even have OCD?
While I was in the shower I started thinking stuff like "Maybe if I get raped or something it will be expect that I turn to towards lesbianism" then I was feeling all shocked and wondering why the hell I just thought that and that that meant I really was just in denial. I want to be normal or I don't want to exist at all. Why should I have a life that I have no will to live? I don't care if people say suicide is selfish anymore because it's more selfish that the people around you expect you to stay around... I don't want to type anymore.

[Inedible]

You are right that it is more selfish for the people who expect you to stick around, especially since so few of them will let you know that they are grateful to have you in their life. This isn't just the people you'd think of first - it is people who happen to see you on a regular basis as you go through your routine and they go through theirs. There are probably lots of people you'd never guess who would notice if you stopped showing up. Then there are the people who actually interact with you on a regular basis. So yes, it is selfish of them. Having you around makes the world more solid and stable for people. Personally I liked the screen name you chose and I find it interesting to read about how you are working on resolving the conflicts you are experiencing like this. I think you will get through this. First, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Unless you are planning on jumping in bed with someone tomorrow, you have plenty of time to decide what you like - and even then, maybe you won't know for sure until you try it. You can always change your mind.

A long time ago I read something - so I can't cite my sources - about it being very unusual for a person to be 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. Most people fall somewhere along a spectrum. Exactly 50% each, bisexual, is also unusual. If you ask someone, though, they aren't going to tell you that they are 85% heterosexual and they have a couple close friends that they might consider playing around with a little. They'll just tell you that they are straight.

Has anyone ever given you the traditional example of trying to control your thoughts? Don't think about purple elephants. Sometimes it is pink elephants. The more you try not to think about something specific, the harder it is to do. The more you think about this lesbian thing the more you are going to drive yourself batty. I'm not saying you shouldn't think about it. I'm saying maybe you can give yourself permission to stop trying so hard not to think about it.

[Typo]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with your sexuality MsBunny

Just because someone calls you a lesbian doesn't mean you are one. As humans our sexuality is not defined by others but our own feelings.

I struggled with my sexuality a few years ago too, it was overwhelming and frustrating and I didn't have anyone to talk to because of my current living conditions,

I sat down one day and asked myself this question. I asked myself to pretend what my furture would be like if I was with a man and if I was with a woman. Could I imagine being sexually active with a man or a woman? Could I see myself being a romantic relationship with a man or a woman? Could I see myself having a family with a man or woman?

For me the answer was both, I could share my love and life with either a man or woman, I identify as bisexual and I learned with some support and help from lgbt fourms and the support group here to accept myself and that just because I was bisexual didn't make me bad or wrong, it made me myself and that is okay! There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, asexual, homosexual, any kind of sexual orientation. It just is what it is, what is wrong is the prejudice and hate people face because sometimes people fear what they don't know.

Could you talk to a school guidance counsler about this issue? It sounds like you are really struggling and could use someone to talk to about this issue. Especially if you are thinking about harming yourself. Please use good self care and if you feel you are an immediate danger to yourself seek emergency help at an E.R. or with a sucide hotline.

[likewater]

Hello ms Bunny. Yes i' m one of those selfish people that would miss you so i agree with typo if you are in immediate danger go to er or call suicide hotline. I like what Inedible said about you not having to decide or do anything today or this week. You dont have to
tell your parents now or worry about kids. Or even commit to being a lesbian. Just breathe into your belly. Breathe in good air and
breathe out all worries nice and slow. Keep doing that and call suicide hotline or go to er if you are in immmediate danger. Hugs(if it's ok with you)

[CantExplain]

I agree with the other posters: you've got plenty of time to sort this out, so don't put yourself under any pressure.

I'm not sure what else to say, because it is a difficult and emotional issue, and you seem very vulnerable.

If it turns out you are lesbian, you may find it difficult to accept. But you need to know that many lesbians are happy; many lesbians are in permanent relationships; many lesbians have children. These are the women who have accepted and embraced what they discovered themselves to be.

[notz]

Relax Ms Bunny.

[lynn P.]

MsBunny - lets take some deep breaths. First of all if you really do wish you would die, then you need to get some help as soon as possible.

Homosexulaity OCD is a thing that mainly men get which means that I probably don't have it. Hell, what if I don't even have OCD?

I think I may have said this to you in one of your posts. Yes women with OCD can also get this intrusive thought about being gay too and I truly think this is what's happening with you. I've only experienced this with men asking this question in the Q&A section.

I feel you're over thinking and now over generalizing homosexuality. Its sounds like you almost fear it and are homophobic, but not with the intention of hurting the gay members here I hope. Intrusive thoughts always involve what's 'taboo' for us - such as incest, killing someone when we never would normally hurt anyone or being gay IF that person doesn't feel comfortable with that orientation. You need to get some help since these barging thoughts are affecting your life. Lets find a solution for this and not think too far ahead to catastrophic thinking.