[WindInNewYork]

Okay. Here I go.

First of, let me say I'm not a dangerous or mean person. I really almost never hurt other people, and I really don't want to.

Please be respectful when you reply to me... maybe some things I will say can be a little shocking, I don't really know... they are kind of shocking to I guess.

I don't really know where to start... I've never really told anyone about this. I think this will be kind of hard to do for me, but I think I have to do this, as I hate to be alone in this forever, and I don't want things to get out of control. Also, I'm 15 now. Another thing: this story is kind of weird... it's weird to me too.

When I was younger, I don't know how young exactly, I had kind of unusual sexual fantasies. I think I was 6/7/8/9... I don't really remember. I used to think about them while laying in bed before I was going to sleep. I probably had fetishes, although that isn't really the right word to use, since that would be the correct term if those were the only things that arouse me.. and that's not true, although that could be the case back then. Could be more things I fantasized about... SM maybe too, I just don't remember it that well.

Things I fantasized about, and this is a really hard part to type out for me, is people wearing diapers, people wearing clothes in weird ways, and people that got messy... Please don't think I'm a sick person or something. If I could change it, I would, although it didn't really harm anyone.

When I got a little older, I think I was 9 or 10, maybe 11, I searched on the internet for people that got messy. I don't know if that was because of fetish, or just because of normal interest in that. It just happened. I mainly looked on youtube for that, and there were a lot of fetish videos about that there too. In the beginning, I looked at those too, but later on, they scared me, and thought they were weird, so I stopped doing that. After that point, I mostly watched videos of game shows in which people got messy... sometimes they were my age, sometimes they were younger, sometimes they were older... it differed. I think over some time, I didn't have a fetish for it anymore. I can remember that I noticed I felt different about it then before.

When I was 14, at the beginning of this year, I stopped looking at those videos. The year before that, I didn't watch them that much... once in a couple of weeks, maybe. But I decided to just stop watching them, as the people who watched them to, regularly scared me, with creepy comments on videos etc.

Only recently I started to realize that the fantasies I had when I was younger weren't normal, and that I could have had a fetish. It kind of shocked me.

Sometimes, I dream about it. In some of the dreams, I start watching those videos again. In others, I get messy myself, and in those dreams, I get aroused by that. I don't know if the arousal is part of the dream and fake, or if I really get aroused. I think it's the first thing... I don't get aroused if I think about those things when I'm awake.

In may of this year, I got OCD. The theme I had then, was that I feared that I could be a pedophile. I've also had other OCD themes since then, like being gay. Just to make things clear: I'm not a pedophile... I'm really only attracted to people my age. I've had some crushes on boys and girls my age (I'm bisexual...), and those were before I feared I could be a pedophile. The thought of having sex with children is also really disgusting to me, and I would never want to do that. The thought of sex with people my age arouses me, however.

A thing that bugs me is that maybe I got aroused by children when I watched those videos??? If so, I wouldn't be aroused because they were children, but because of the fetish, but it's still really disgusting to me if I did. I don't know if that happened... when it really was a fetish, I was really young myself too.

When I have the dreams about it, I wake up really scared and feel really wrong. Is there anything I can do about them?

Did I do anything wrong? Do I need to get help? Am I a bad person? Will this affect the rest of my life badly?

I think I will stop here for now... please be nice if you respond. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just really had to tell this somewhere on some moment. I'm scared about how the replies will be... it will be kind of hard for me to click this thread tomorrow.

Okay, that was all I really had to say for now.

[likewater]

I think what aroused you about the videos was the "messiness" not the children. Lots of people have fetishes .fetishes are ok. I also
have heard that persons with ocd can have obsessive thoughts and/or worries about sexuality. Do you have a T you n talk to?

[WindInNewYork]

I'm not sure if the videos aroused me to be honest... I didn't even know what aroused meant, back then, to be honest. It's kind of hard to say, but it's surely possible. I don't have a therapist, because I can't really tell my parents about these things... I could tell them about my OCD issues, but I don't know if they will understand it, and if I do, I probably also have to tell them what I exactly fear... and that's really scary to tell for me. I could do it I guess, if it's really needed.

[WindInNewYork]

By the way, thank you for your reply. I couldn't sleep this night because of this topic I made here.

[likewater]

WindinNewYork, hi. I know what it's like to not be able to sleep. I agree it would be uncomfortable discusssing sexual fetishes and
obsessive thoughts with parents. I think they would want to know you could use some professional help, but they don't need all the details. Leave the details for a therapist or pdoc, they have heard everything before and keep all conversations confidential unless you present an immediate threat to yourself or others.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

First youre young. Youre only 14. I know that my own sexuality was very confusing at that time. Please dont worry that you arent "normal" or that something is wrong with you.

I dont think your messiness thing has to do with the children as much as the messiness.

I do think that if you dont feel comfortable with something that you shouldnt do it... like with the videos. You felt uncomfortable, so you stopped. You looked and decided that they were weird and stopped. Thats exploring and is again perfectly normal.

If you can find someone to talk to about it that you feel comfortable with you should, but I dont think you have anything to worry about.

[WindInNewYork]

Thank you really much for your replies. I'm 15 now instead of 14, but I don't know if that really makes any difference. Yesterday I told my mum about my OCD issues. She's really supportive and understanding... she's such a great person. I cried a lot yesterday. We are going to find an OCD therapist... if I think I can really trust her (or him, but for some reason I would prefer a female therapist), I will maybe show her this post. Maybe.

Thanks again, you really help me a lot.

[WindInNewYork]

By the way, is it possible that it first was a fetish and then it wasn't anymore? Because I feel that it's like that, but I'm not sure if that's possible.

[likewater]

Hi WindinNewYork, I'm glad your mom is supportive. Also, you sound like a fantastic young person who is just going through a rough patch. We are always here at pc. :-)

[WindInNewYork]

Thank you for your reply... I'm happy you're here. Do you think I could show this to my therapist later?

[WindInNewYork]

wwwdottherapywithcaredotcom/Article_Fetish.html

I just read here that it can't go away and that I should fantasize about it... I'm really scared now, because that would mean it was a fetish all the time and that I was aroused by it... I'm feeling really guilty about it now.

Also, I don't have any desire to fantasize about it... I really don't. Just like the diaper thing I fantasized about when I was younger... I just don't feel anything special when I think about it really...

Help! I just don't know what to do now... I wish these things never happened.

[lynn P.]

Is there anything I can do about them? Did I do anything wrong? Do I need to get help? Am I a bad person? Will this affect the rest of my life badly?

Hi WindInNewYork - welcome to PC and I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing here. It seems scary at first sharing your deepest feelings, especially when you wonder if these thoughts are okay. If you were a child watching a child the same age who is messy - this doesn't mean you're a pedophile at all. As you got older, so did the age of your attractions. Do you like to see people messy as in soiling the diapers or just general messiness? Either way, there are people who share this interest.

To answer your above questions. No you didn't do anything wrong and you're not a bad person. Do you need help - well you need help for the OCD. The OCD could also be playing some part in your thought processes. If the thoughts/desires don't make you feel happy or at peace, then yes you should seek therapy.

Before computers came along there used to be deep shame in some peoples sexual desires. If an adult liked wearing diapers, he/she would feel so alone and wonder if he/she is abnormal. With the internet, its easy to see that some people do have unique fetishes and desires. Even with S&M, as long as the adults are fully consenting and have a verbal agreement not to cause true harm, that's between them. The key word here is being safe and respectful to all.

As another poster said, you are young and your tastes/desires may change. If a person imposes shame on themselves, this often makes the urges stronger. Its up to you but if you're not happy, you should be honest with your therapist. I hope after the positive and accepting responses you got here....you'll feel more comfortable with yourself.

[WindInNewYork]

The messiness thing had nothing to with the diaper thing... I both fantasized about them when I was like 8 or whatever, and the diaper thing didn't really interest me anymore later on... about the messiness thing, I'm still kind of unsure, as you can see.

Thanks for helping me by the way.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by WindInNewYork

wwwdottherapywithcaredotcom/Article_Fetish.html

I just read here that it can't go away and that I should fantasize about it... I'm really scared now, because that would mean it was a fetish all the time and that I was aroused by it... I'm feeling really guilty about it now.

Also, I don't have any desire to fantasize about it... I really don't. Just like the diaper thing I fantasized about when I was younger... I just don't feel anything special when I think about it really...

Help! I just don't know what to do now... I wish these things never happened.

Again, youre 15 and your hormones are peaking. I had some guy friends (I'm a girl) that were telling me that when they were a teenager (and younger) that they would just get randomly aroused! No rhyme or reason, it would just happen.

You're going through a transition right now. I'm glad you'll have someone to talk to about the things that concern you. I'm sure it'll put your mind more at ease.

[WindInNewYork]

I feel so bad right now... I just don't know who I am anymore. I wish all these things never happened... I can't tell anyone about this, maybe my therapist later... but wouldn't he think I'm a pedophile if I do? I don't know... I'm also really scared about the future... will I ever be able to lead a normal live? According to the article, I should do things with my fetish... but I don't want to do those things... I really don't want to. I just want to be happy and lead a normal life. If I will ever be happy again...

To be really honest... I had some suicidal thoughts this night. I won't do it, I could never hurt my parents and friends that much, but I just feel really bad right now. Someone ever felt the same and recovered?

[SoupDragon]

Hi WindInNewYork, well done for posting, I really admire your openness and honesty. Great too that you were able to talk to your mum.

I don't know the answers to your questions, but I think seeing a T about stuff that is bothering us to the point that it impacts on us in some way, is a really good idea.

Good luck in finding a T who you feel you can work with, let us know how you get on -i think showing what you have written to a T may be a good idea - Soup

[WindInNewYork]

I went to my GP with my mother today. We are trying to find a good therapist now.... I hope I will ever feel better.

[WindInNewYork]

Okay, I just searched on my fetish or what was my fetish before... to not feel so alone, or I don't really know why. I really shouldn't have done that, I saw a site and it really really freaked me out. But I should feel aroused now, right, if I still had my fetish? I don't know...

[likewater]

I think you are plagued by obsessive thoughts right now. If you have a fetish it's ok. If you don't it's ok. Just breathe. Some of these
answers you can get sorted out with the help of a professional, but either way, you are a normal 15 year old.

[WindInNewYork]

Okay, I will... do you think I will be able to bring this up to my therapist? I just feel so ashamed about it.... I mean, I don't know if he knows anything about fetishes... I think it's pretty likely he has no clue what this means for my OCD issues, or do I underestimate therapists now?

[likewater]

I think you underestimate therapists. They have heard all kinds of stuff. Everybody tells them things they can't tell anybody else.

[WindInNewYork]

I feel fine about it now... the only thing is, I'm scared that my parents checked my history when I was younger, and saw what I looked at... the possibility really scares me.

[likewater]

I doubt it. Besides they wouldn't know if it was you or, one of them , or one of your friends, or visiting cousin etc . . . Who had been on computer. Besides, most parents i know, will talk to their kids if they find something that worries them on the kids' computer. If
they don't say anything, they aren't alarmed. Make sense?

[Lauru]

Hey there,

I have OCD so I understand those obsessive thoughts. I think they are more obsessive thoughts than fetishes, as you don't really get aroused by them anymore. And you are not a pedophile, unless you have had sex with kids or are aroused by sex with kids. It is an obsessive fear. My pdoc always told me, you obsess about only things that bother you and go against who you really are. For example, you don't obsess that you are going to brush your teeth. There is no fear there, no anxiety. And OCD is an anxiety disorder. Wishing you the best.

[WindInNewYork]

Felt good the last weeks, but now I'm feeling bad about it again. I hope I will feel better soon...