[hamster-bamster]

I had sex and plan to have more sex with a guy who is not exclusive with me. He is my midwife's ex-husband and still her best friend. He has sort of a family in Asia - a woman and two sons - whom he visits every month for a month, and supports. The other month, he lives here in the Bay Area with his oldest daughter with the midwife, and parents his son with the midwife (the son lives with the midwife) as well as, part-time, the midwife's youngest child with another man. An interesting arrangement, for sure. He told me of another relationship in the past that ran in parallel with the relationship with the woman in Asia. There might be some other concurrent relationships that I am yet to learn about. I am cool with all that, but I do not know what to do about oral sex. Without oral sex, it was kind of incomplete. I do know that unprotected oral sex is relatively safe - better than vaginal sex and far better than **** sex. Well, **** sex I do not do and vaginal sex is taken care of by using condoms... what about oral? If I understand correctly, the guy's other women are educated professionals in their 40s, so it is not that he lives in wild brothels, but still - he has multiple partners... I have never used dental dams and the film that is placed on the vulva for cunnilingus. I think I would feel awkward using them. At the same time, the guy is a friend I have known for 12 years, I am relaxed with him... if I feel awkward with him, I will feel even more awkward with some completely new guy. That makes me feel that I should venture ahead now. Please tell me your experiences with these products. I will also ask my GP about them; I bet she will have some good ideas. He is a very nice guy, by the way.

[Big Mama]

hey. I am a huge fan of oral sex. But anyway, dental dams are an interesting change. They add a different feel. As far a saftey goes I really don't know. I wouldn't want to use a dental dam all the time. That would be no fun now would it. I can't really be of much help here. I am glad things are working for you. It sounds like a complicated situation but if it works for all parties involved great. I'm glad he's a nice guy.

[Harley47]

Hey Hamster. Hope I can help.

Oral sex as far as STD's go carries roughly the same risk as vaginal, more or less. If you have an open sore, that can serve as a point of transmission. And of course there's herpes, but to be rather blunt, I think you'd have noticed by now, no? While that can be transferred even without an outbreak present, you sound based on the post that you've been with him long enough that I wouldn't be overly concerned, tbqh. I don't discourage you from asking a doctor though.

Dental dams I know very little about...I know what they are and how they're used, but not effectiveness. Honestly, they seem a little...awkward. But I know that they make condoms that're specifically designed for oral sex (and are even flavored ). As far as you go, while they may be a bit of a turn off, if you're concerned, use the dam, and do speak to your doctor. If he's willing, why not get tested? If you can know for sure he's clean, you needn't worry, I wouldn't think.

And, while I know you said it's not something you're into, if you ever make the leap to it, a condom is an ABSOLUTE MUST for ****. He runs the risk of severe infection to...well, himself, if you take my meaning...if anything gets in there, so to speak. I won't really go into the details there...just a friendly heads up.

Anyway, have fun, and be safe.

My best,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you guys! No, **** (I am surprised this site turns this word into asterisks as if it were an f-word) is not something I would be interested in, I think. Just had more sex with him and it was fine without oral but in the longer run I think vaginal-only would be insufficient. What is the safety on unprotected cunnilingus? I am disease-free and want to stay this way. Yes, he is a very nice guy; he was able to guess that my father committed CSA from the fact that I am not in contact with him and a couple other little observations. I was impressed. He is caring and does not put me down.

[Big Mama]

Thats great that he's nice. We all deserve some one nice. He's nice and smart. It says alot that he is attentive enough to pick up on the CSA. It's great when you don't have to explain that like you have the plague or something.

I still don't know about the safety of cunnilingus. I can't believe that word is in the spell checker but no sausage gravey and biscuits. GRAVEY.

[hamster-bamster]

I cannot bring up the subject of oral sex orally, no pun intended, but I can write him a short email saying that I am enjoying sex with him and would like to add oral and for that would like to see his bloodwork. STD tests are through bloodwork, right? Does it sound like a reasonable plan?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Thats great that he's nice. We all deserve some one nice. He's nice and smart. It says alot that he is attentive enough to pick up on the CSA. It's great when you don't have to explain that like you have the plague or something.

I still don't know about the safety of cunnilingus. I can't believe that word is in the spell checker but no sausage gravey and biscuits. GRAVEY.

He also knows that I am Bipolar and on medications. It is all cool with him. No issues. His ex-wife/best friend says that she is Bipolar but untreated and she also has ADHD for which she has a PRN medicine, and their middle son is ADHD. So certainly my seeing a p-doc is no big deal for him. I told him that I have meds that work perfectly for me and it was end of story. He even brought me water when I was taking my evening meds. I actually can swallow pills without water, but it was still nice of him, no?

I do recall reading that cunnilingus is pretty safe unprotected, but I am a polite person who would not ask for cunnilingus without intending to reciprocate. So we need to have a solution for both ways, and the best is probably through testing.

[Big Mama]

That is sweet that he brought you water. I have read some where that is oral is pretty safe to. My H does and I love it. I do not return the favor (seldom not never) I have SA issues and he knows that. It's weird to recieve and not give but he seems to like to give. So great. Give all you'd like I accept.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

That is sweet that he brought you water. I have read some where that is oral is pretty safe to. My H does and I love it. I do not return the favor (seldom not never) I have SA issues and he knows that. It's weird to recieve and not give but he seems to like to give. So great. Give all you'd like I accept.

Your H is a really sweet man. My ex H would receive, receive, receive, receive... and never give. And when I finally asked... he made me feel guilty for wanting it. Imagine that? He was great in all other regards, though, as far as sex went, no other complaints. Just not in this one.

[unaluna]

from what i've been reading, hetero oral sex is more unsafe for the male giver. somebody else posted about it on PC, I was amazed. I posted in the thread also (that's how amazed I was!). i'm glad I had my fun when I was younger, altho my tune would definitely change if I got any offers

[Harley47]

I think it's wrong to receive and not give. Seems a double standrd, and honestly rude. I'm in no position where this is a worry, but I would hope my one day s/o when we take that plunge would understand that would be selfish of me if I were to want but not give.

I think you're safe. Herpes is the only thing I can think of (aside from "the big one" so to speak... ), but I already mentioned that you're probably in the clear for the former. The latter you should be just fine. I'm not worried at all there, but I think asking for a test is fine, and well within your right. It is done via bloodwoek, and results take a bit to come back, but it is definitive.

My best to you both.

[Big Mama]

Harley I receive and do not give. Before I met my H I was raped by an older boyfriend for a 9 mo time frame. This is something that was forced upon me. So I simply do not give. On occasion I have but I greatly prefer not to give. I told my H about this before we got married and he gets that I do not want to do that. But he still seems to want to give. I seldom say "No Thanks". He just know's there is a reason why I don't want to. There are enough other things we can share.

[lynn P.]

I wanted to ask - are his other partners and the mother of his kids back in Asia, fine with him having sex with you? Regarding oral sex and STD's - HPV is a common virus and is responsible for a great majority of oral cancers - meaning the mouth and esophagus. If he's been around, he really should be tested. Most likely a great majority of adults have HPV.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I wanted to ask - are his other partners and the mother of his kids back in Asia, fine with him having sex with you? Regarding oral sex and STD's - HPV is a common virus and is responsible for a great majority of oral cancers - meaning the mouth and esophagus. If he's been around, he really should be tested. Most likely a great majority of adults have HPV.

I have not asked yet about it. Eventually I might. I do know from the midwife that the mother of the kids in Asia was not happy with his having split loyalties back when he was still living with the midwife. The midwife was OK with his having a relationship in Asia, but not vice versa. Even now, the woman in Asia says that given that his son will go to college (probably on the East Coast) next year, he should move in with her permanently. He does not want to - he likes splitting his time between Asia and America. That's the life he wants to lead. Plus, he parents the midwife's youngest child even though she is not his biological child. So he will continue to shuttle. I am thinking that if she did not like his being not with her 100% back then, she still might not like it, but it is not my problem - it is his problem and even more so her problem. Why should I care about what she thinks? I just want to be free from STD's. In my twenties, I was deeply in love with a married guy, married with 5 children roughly my age. He reciprocated the feelings A LOT, being completely crazy about me, but in terms of sex it was very minimalistic because he did not want to "make his wife feel dispreferred". That went on for two years. I was very frustrated but I myself played this game, not going all the way etc. because of his wife. Granted, I knew her very well so my caring for her feelings was justified. But that terribly frustrating experience has exhausted me entirely and I have resolved to never care about someone's wife's feelings again. I just leave it between the man and his other woman / women. I consider it my obligation to be discreet, but that is about it.

[hamster-bamster]

Wrote to GP.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I wanted to ask - are his other partners and the mother of his kids back in Asia, fine with him having sex with you?

Lynn,

I recalled your question during my ride back home from work and was amused. I imagined getting a list of his women and going to each one of them to receive a notarized signature permitting me to have sex with him. And you know what? By the time I was done collecting the signatures, I no longer wanted to have sex with the poor guy!

Smiles.

[Harley47]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Harley I receive and do not give. Before I met my H I was raped by an older boyfriend for a 9 mo time frame. This is something that was forced upon me. So I simply do not give. On occasion I have but I greatly prefer not to give. I told my H about this before we got married and he gets that I do not want to do that. But he still seems to want to give. I seldom say "No Thanks". He just know's there is a reason why I don't want to. There are enough other things we can share.

Do forgive me!! I am SO sorry! I had skipped right over your post!

I was speaking strictly in scenarios unlike yours, namely the case of Hamster's ex...that is certainly very much an extenuating circumstance, and I think anyone would be selfish to expect you TO give if it made you uncomfortable. Indeed, discomfort with any sexual act should make it an instant no-go, with that being essentially the end of the story. I did an awful job of conveying that, and I feel awful for it.

Please accept my sincerest apologies...I certainly didn't mean to imply you were selfish or anything at all of that nature.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Lynn,

I recalled your question during my ride back home from work and was amused. I imagined getting a list of his women and going to each one of them to receive a notarized signature permitting me to have sex with him. And you know what? By the time I was done collecting the signatures, I no longer wanted to have sex with the poor guy!

Smiles.

Since his partner lives in Asia I wasn't expecting you to ask her. TBH I would hope people wouldn't enable philandering behavior. Was trying to be delicate with my question. If all partners are consenting then it would be acceptable. Well aware what this kind of pain feels like, so I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since his partner lives in Asia I wasn't expecting you to ask her. TBH I would hope people wouldn't enable philandering behavior. Was trying to be delicate with my question. If all partners are consenting then it would be acceptable. Well aware what this kind of pain feels like, so I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that.

I would not want to be all of a sudden concerned with that. Why me, of all people? If other people aren't concerned, why should I be?

I have infinite respect for the guy and the midwife for the way they live their lives. It is unusual that he parents her child who is not his biologically. It is unusual that he still thinks that she is the main character in his life story and that she is the smartest woman he has known. I do not talk to both ex husbands. So whatever lifestyle they have chosen, it clearly has some benefits.

[Big Mama]

Harley, You are so right. In most cases it's a "give & receive". But not in this case. I may have gotten stuck in the moment. This was Hamster's post to start w/. No harm done.

This is a great place. A place of opinions and a place of understanding. I appreciate your opinion. I always look forward to your insight.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since his partner lives in Asia I wasn't expecting you to ask her. TBH I would hope people wouldn't enable philandering behavior. Was trying to be delicate with my question. If all partners are consenting then it would be acceptable. Well aware what this kind of pain feels like, so I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that.

In regards to "philandering" - I try to avoid "calling names" and just use neutral terms that accurately describe the situation, e.g. "multiple concurrent partners"

[hamster-bamster]

We already did a lot of unprotected french kissing. What do other people do with kissing?

[hamster-bamster]

It is worse than we supposed.

GP: I would ask him to get tested. We don't test males for HPV. Asymptomatic male carriers can't be determined through our current testing abilities. Genital warts are confirmed clinically. When you perform oral sex, a condom will protect you. If he performs oral sex, a dental dam will protect him. If he has a history of cold sores, he should avoid performing oral sex on you to avoid transmitting the oral herpes virus into a genital herpes outbreak.

[Big Mama]

Yikes. Don't take away my oral sex. That is not good news. I am married and have been for 18 years so we should be safe. Watch out for cold sores. Think good my H doesn't get those. You have to be a carrier of the herpies virus to have cold sores I believe.

How do you have protected french kissing. I don't picture kissing w/ condoms on our tongues. That just makes me smile. Silly. But really how do you do that asfely.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Yikes. Don't take away my oral sex. That is not good news. I am married and have been for 18 years so we should be safe. Watch out for cold sores. Think good my H doesn't get those. You have to be a carrier of the herpies virus to have cold sores I believe.

How do you have protected french kissing. I don't picture kissing w/ condoms on our tongues. That just makes me smile. Silly. But really how do you do that asfely.

That is my question too...

I am left to hope that having been married to a medical professional in the past, the guy knows about health.