Something I've got to talk about

This is very uncomfortable for me. Not really what I want to do, but I need to. So, I need some help on my sexual issues.

I'm almost nineteen years old, male, and still a virgin. That's not to say I've never been in situations before. Just two people. The first I was in love with. Well, I'm Borderline, so I thought I was anyway. With her, we fooled around a lot. She had had sex and been with people before, but I didn't care. So, we never had sex. The furtherest things went was me going down on her. She was always confusing about it. She'd shove her hand down my pants and go on about my ****, but was adamant we weren't going to do anything. Sometimes she'd give me the insane "I'm going to touch you, but I don't want you touching me" logic. Maybe I was the rebound guy, the best friendzone with benefits. She never even let me kiss her. Maybe so she wouldn't get attatched. This **** went on for six months. She would do stuff - but never let me finish. There was no gratification, just us screwing around. I guess she was afraid of something. She said the more guys she's with, the less "pure" she felt. Just one all the way and one she fooled with before me. And the current guy who she was with the night after me. You can tell I'm a bit bitter. Whatever her reasons were, it never happened. Not for lack of trying on my part, either.

The other one was this girl who got me when I was broken down about the other. I was not in my right mind and my judgment was compromised. Normally, this isn't an issue - but I couldn't get it up. My heart wasn't in it. She did stuff and I couldn't do it. So, I let her stay the night and that was that. We didn't have sex either.

My nineteenth birthday is coming up, I've graduated high school, and I'm seriously frustrated and embittered by my lack of experience. If I wanted to, I know I could just ask someone - and I could get it. I'm not, because it doesn't mean anything to me. I wanted it to be with that first girl I mentioned because that would have meant something. It meant a lot to me. Because I cared about her. Is there something wrong with me? None of my male friends understand why I'm so insistent on this idea and my female friends think it's "cute". Like a dumb puppy. I have a sex drive - a rather high one. From what the two girls seemed to think, nothing's wrong with me in equipment or execution. So, is there just my idiotic standards? Is this antiquated ideal of sex and love keeping me from functioning in the real world? I know there is no magic. Sex doesn't mean love nor the other way around. In the twentiest first century there is no first and only. Is my perspective skewered? Do I need to relax and just play the game? I'm an idealist. For a while my older friends have told me to just go find a **** buddy, because even for people in their forties, it's better than the committed relationship I want.

This isn't easy to talk about. Kind of embarressing, actually. So, I want honest input and some advice.

You sound almost precisely like me. I'm the same age as you, and I've had...oh...maybe 3-4 opportunities to punch the proverbial v-card, but I declined. I too want it to mean something aside from sex for the simple purpose of sex.

There's nothing at all wrong with wanting love to come with sex, and there's certainly nothing antiquated about the idea. It sounds, to me, like your friend's who're heckling you about it don't share the idea, and therefore don't understand it. That shouldn't be a motivation for you to "do it" just to get them off your back, you know? If you have a stance on this, stick to it.

I'll go on to say that the first girl, whom you wanted to be with, was, to me, a little cruel to you and cuckolding and committing very much a double standard on you. It sounds to me as though she viewed sex as a game, whereas you viewed it as something far more. That's commendable of you, and I wish that mindset was more prevalent today. While I don't think she is or should feel obligated to "commit" on the basis of foreplay and I have to respect her decision to not want to have sex on the basis of purity (which I think based on the way you tell it that she regrets her first time), it...I dunno, but it seems a little selfish in an odd way, to want to be sexual with you but not with her. I don't know if that makes sense, but it puts you in a bit of an odd position.

For you, I'd tell you to keep to your ideals. So what that they "beat" you to it, so to speak? Don't let their opinions shape what you want. I'd tell you to focus on building a relationship, and not to focus on building simply sex. If you find the right girl and build a relationship, the rest tends to take care of itself.

lol And to move to a lighter subject, if it makes you feel any better, you're doing "better" than some (cough me cough) of us.

Stick to your guns, and I wish you all the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Harley

I want love. I want sex. I want both. I'm horny as Hell, but I think it should mean something when it happens. I don't regret what I did with the first, just the second. I could care less about what my friends think, I just want my frustration to end. I'm worried I won't be able to ignore a biological imperative. For a while, I've managed to hold myself in control, but it's a lot harder lately. Especially as I lose myself to other issues.

I'm not angry at her for not putting out. That I respect her for, even if it drove me crazy. She said to me once, when I asked why she was putting me through that "I like sex. I like you and... certain parts of you interest me. But I don't want to be with you and we're not going to have sex." while my junk was in her hands, no less. The hypocrisy of it all and the fact I knew we were connecting, we were more: but she wouldn't let herself feel for me. That hurt.

I suppose you're right. But finding a relationship is even more difficult. I'm not jealous of the others, I'm just getting older and feeling like I'm missing out on life.

I agree w/ Harley. Stick to your guns. It is a choice you will never forget. It's no good to give that gift away and catch something that insures no one will want to be w/ you for a while.

A very wize person one told me "Don't have sex w/ anyone you do not intend to spend the rest of your life with". Accidents do happen and people still get married because they have a baby on the way.

Stick to your morals. If the lady you choose doesn't share the same morals as you then you may not have the right one.

With the shoe on the other foot and I being female, it was looked down upon to wait back then to. I did wait and the person I lost my virginity to I loved very much and then things didn't work out. But I don't feel bad it because I waited and was certin this is what I wanted and who I wanted it to be with. It was not just a fling. Or acting off of a moment of passion. I still remember the guy 20 + years later. He was respectful and kind and it was special. (call me old fashioned) He cheated on me shortly there after w/ a girl who was not a virgin AT ALL!!!!! His loss. But no regrets. He got the other girl preg. the first time he was w/ her. Yikes! They got married and are still married 20 years later. So he must not have been all bad.

The moral to the story. Be careful what you do because you just may well have to live with your self in the morning and every day after that. So take your time, save that gift and give it to the right girl.

On the plus side if you find someone w/ more experience then you and she's a keeper then she can mold you into what ever she likes and you can find out what you like together. Thats the best gift for you and her both.

Try to stay away from people who are like Girl Number 1. Hers was some seriously sickening behavior. Yikes! If you come across another one like that, do not wait for six months - make it one encounter and that is it.

Well, girl number two decided to psychotically harass me for weeks, threaten me constantly, and lie profusely, because I didn't want anything to do with someone who tried to take advantage of a heartbroken Scorpion. So, I have bad luck. Girl number one, I loved, which makes me an idiot and a masochist.

And Big Mama, I agree with that. My rule was "not unless you love them". But the point is the same. Being a guy, no one believes I have scruples. Nope. Just want to get laid. So, that tends to anger me. I want it to be special, so I guess I'm just going to have to either stick to my morals or eventually give in to my physical desires.

You are saying that with Girl Number One, you "never had sex". This is incorrect. You were sexual together - her holding your junk qualifies. "The furtherest things went was me going down on her." qualifies as well. So it is not that you never have had sex - you have, just with a seriously crooked person. So, you are right, you have had bad luck so far. Hopefully, the future will be brighter for you. But you have had sex with Girl Number One, period.

Apparently I have a very odd definition of sex. I've never had intercourse. I've defined sex as intercourse, not oral sex or mutual masturbation. So, I might have to update my personal dictionary.

Well, the second one was more bad luck, less stupid decision. The first was more stupid decision, less bad luck. To be fair, I was fairly obsessive in my relationship with her - both physically and emotionally, so I'm a pretty crooked person myself.

Your frustration and indignation are totally understandable given this history. I think with time you will be all right.

This is too funny, I thought you were much older and experienced!
You wise old man you! xD

OP, I agree with Harley. I'm turning 20 and still a virgin. I want my first time to have meaning, but I also want to be in love my first time. I do have someone who is like a best friend, is into the same fetishes and fantasies, and though I have a high sex drive for a girl, I have no attraction to him and I don't feel right with him. When it feels right, you'll know it's time. Don't feel like you should rush just because your friends have all lost their's.

rofl No Doc, I'm not older and certainly not experienced. I'm in the same boat as you and Scorpio Eyes.

I usually offer advice regarding sex on the basis that I imagine how it should be, if that makes sense. Seems to work out.

I tend to do the same thing.

You seem to write very maturely for your age, but then again, I've mistaken you for a mature, experienced woman! oh god I feel so horrible...but I can't stop giggling!

rofl Nope! 19 year old guy, not a woman. rofl No need to feel horrible...no harm done. To be fair, I guess the Nyan Cat is a bit ambiguous, eh?

Thanks for the writing compliment though. lol I spent 3 years as an attorney for Teen Court and 4 years in JROTC, 1 of which was served as the Commander. Between the two, I suppose I had to pick up at least a few tricks.

Wow! Very impressive.

What was JROTC? It sounds familiar but not sure if that's a military thing or not.

JROTC is the Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. It's the "mini" version of the collegiate ROTC, which is the same thing minus the "J." Every branch has one. I was Army.

The goal isn't to groom a soldier out of a student, but to teach discipline, respect, and other skills (some of which are, granted, arguably military). The official mission statement is "To motivate young people to be better citizens."

lol Honestly? I signed up because it was between art, music, or that. I suck at art, and I didn't want to be in the band (which was one in the same), and I read something about marksmanship training in the pamphlet, so...lol there I was. Stayed because I liked it. Never went on to full ROTC though.

Oh okay, yeah I wasn't sure if that was army or not...still very impressed! Would you ever join the big boys like Army or Marines?

I was considering it for a time. I wanted to go in and serve as a JAG, the military lawyers. I somehow managed to mess my right leg up though...I don't know what I did to it or what caused it (doctors have said everything from pinched nerve to pulled hamstring to I'm a liar...I somehow don't agree with the last one ), but it still gives me a little grief from time to time. Nothing too major...just is sore. It wouldn't disqualify me from service, but I don't want to commit my time and risk it not working out. Sort of sucks. I was going to go Army or Air Force if I went. I'm not interested in the Navy (although they are in me...didn't realize that practice ASVAB I took in JROTC was going to go public -_-), and the Marines...lol well, let's just say that in a fair assessment of myself, I'm not Marine material.

But it's alright...lol enrolled in college, still going to be an attorney. Just not the military one.

That's still really cool

Thank you. I loved it...I really bonded with one of my teachers. He was like a second dad to me. I also got to keep my uniform (with all my decorations...lol I look snazzy ) and was awarded the second ever Commander's Saber. And we passed our 4 year inspection with the highest possible marks.

Teen Court was nice too...rofl though that hurt my faith in humanity. Once your friend tells you he had to prosecute a girl for stealing a fish (with setup, so including 10 gallon tank, chems, food, rocks, scenary...whole nine yards) from Walmart and you realize you're not surprised, there's a problem.

I would love to see you in uniform...but you know how I am with uniforms!
Sounds like you boys had the top honors, must have been a great group.
I've sat through court once for a school project, it was a little scary because it was a low-profile murder trial (idk, it wasn't a big deal apparently). My parents are both in law enforcement so I get to see people getting arrested more than people getting tried for being arrested.

lol It was a group...dunno about great. The problem was the same scenario I mentioned earlier about JROTC v. Band v. Art. We got a lot of kids who, once there, ceased to care whatsoever. We also got a lot of kids that the guidance office I believe expected us to "whip into shape" or some nonsense. It ultimately boiled down to my teacher who I mentioned, myself, and a small dedicated core of about 5 who dragged the other 33 along kicking and screaming, and quite a few nights spent at school 'till about 7. lol I didn't even have time to get a haircut before the inspection, so the few points we did end up losing ironically came in part from me.

Well bless your parents. I've a lot of respect for law enforcement. lol And I've never sat through a murder case before...that must've been unnerving. Go figure, we didn't get those. Mine were all along the lines of possession of marijuana, underage drinking, or affray (fighting). Day in and day out...it was like the unholy trinity of teenage crimes. I liked it a lot though...I was told I had a knack for it.

lol I do remember how you are with uniforms. I'm sure I could dredge up an old photo of the group or something...lol I'm always the one out front and the tallest of the group, so I'm sure you could hazard a guess at which one's Harley.

I'm smiling so big right now you can't even imagine it!

I didn't know it was a murder case, I was surprised they let just anybody sit through it just to watch. But it was cool because they were showing the evidence and the head of CSI came to speak...way cool!

I think anyone's entitled to sit into a court case. It's a public issue in the eyes of the law. However, don't quote me on that. lol Not a JD yet.

I hope I never have to go to court and have a bunch of people look at me! O.o