[azizaAkos]

I never thought I could post this and not sure how far I will go on talking about the subject but here it goes.
I am thinking that I must be asexual. I have very little to no desire to have sex with men or women. I struggled with this for years made myself to stay with my boyfriends and then struggled even worse my husband.
I was molested in the 2nd-3rd grade I'm not sure if that's why I feel the way I do or not.
I just have no interest and sometimes feel repulsed by the idea yet I still would like to have a boyfriend and in time a husband after I get divorced from my current it seems like that would be unfair to them bewteem this issue and the fact emotionally I'm a wreck. I don'It want to be around me and I'm sure others do and will feel the same.

[shezbut]

I have a long history of sexual abuse, so I can understand where you're coming from. As a teenager, I thought that I had to give in to sex to find a guy who would stand up for me & love me. I was dead wrong! I gave up looking for Mr. Right for a little while. Then, my ex-husband came into my life. He was wonderful to me! He really seemed to care about me. I still didn't really have a physical desire to be with a man, but he surely loved me. So, I married him.

As time went by in our marriage, sex became more and more difficult for me. I was always dissociating to "do my duty & please my hub" ~ as I was terrified of losing that safety. After we had children together, sex became very rare. :shame: I hated the dissociation, the guilt, and myself for making him suffer due to me. After 17 years together, we separated for a year before deciding to get a divorce. That took another year to occur.

After about 1 1/2 years away from my hub, I finally began seeing men again. (Which was a long time for me ~ as I feel incomplete, panicky, and severely depressed alone.) Anyway, my bf amazingly brought out an intense desire inside of me. One which I hadn't EVER felt before! We've been together for 3+ years now and we still have that connection.

I think that I just needed some time by myself to get through that misery and let physical desires grow. Before that, I never had physical desires ~ they were merely emotional. Bringing the 2 together is the challenge. Hope that this helps you somewhat! Gentle hugs to you...

[Raindropvampire]

Have you ever gotten counseling to work out your feelings from being molested? If nothing else the statement you don't want to be around you and you're sure others feel the same sounds like you might be depressed. Also going through a divorce can be traumatic and therapy could help you work through that as well.

As far as being with someone: If you really are asexual then you are not alone. If you look I'm sure you could find a dating site that specializes. My brother is 26 and has never had any friends, that includes girlfriends. In his case people scare him and he literally can't picture himself ever having sex with another person. So he's convinced he'll never find someone so why try. Sex is not the end all be all for some people. You just have to find them. Let's face it our society pushes sex and makes you feel like a freak if you aren't having it but that's just not true. Everyone has their comfort level and maybe therapy could help you find yours. Once you know exactly where your comfort level is and can say so with confidence you'll be one step closer to finding someone to be with that will understand you and love you for it.

[Pandoren]

If you are confused about whether or not your history causes the way you do now... Well, if your history bothers you at all then it might be worth seeking therapy for that issue alone if you havent already done so, and then once that issue is taken care of you might be in a better place to decide whether your sexual interest or lack of it is your orientation or not.

Another thing is whether or not your lack of interest is a lack of sexual attraction (asexuality) or a lack of sexual motivation/libido. If it is the latter, then there are things that can be done to raise that, although I think you'd probably still have to deal with other related issues that you seem to be having. If you aren't sure but the whole thing bothers you, then it might be worth seeking a libido treatment and then finding out afterwards through that whether or not you have the sexual attraction as well.

Whether you are asexual or not, you aren't alone. Asexuality doesn't automatically mean that you can't want relationships or can't get one. Mixed orientation relationships do happen, although obviously there can be compatibility issues and compromise is a core thing... but I've also known asexual couples. There are some dating sites for asexuals but you might be better off going to AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) which is an information and community site (not a dating site, be warned!) where you can both find out more about asexuality and how it may or may not relate to you and also make asexual friends there who might make you feel better about yourself or even become more in time.

[hamster-bamster]

Another idea is Wellbutrin, which is an AD that increases sex drive in many people but not all.

[azizaAkos]

I have some pretty severe issues with men. Trust issues mostly the men I have known have either hurt me sexually, physically or emotionally. The funny thing is that my therapist is a man ha ha jokes on me right? Figures but at the same time if I can talk to him even to a point that progress for me. I don't know how to bring up this issue though because it's hard enough to post it online let alone talk about it!
I think some of my issue is also social anxiety as well with the above I just tend to mentally shut down. Then u feel extreme shame, guilt yada yada. while I do have a low sex drive I think if I wasnt dealing with the other stuff to begin with I would be at least somewhat functional. At the same time I miss having someone in my life I feel in a way more depressed and volunerable I miss the connection on a emotion level the idea of dating though with the idea that at some point "more" will be expected is not something I feel at this point I can handle. I love the holding hands and being somewhat near but can't go past that at this point. I feel asking for anyone to date me is unreasonable and unfair to them. This though makes me feel so lonely depressed and I just want to cry.
It's been well over a year since I've "been" with someone and I still have a very low drive and the idea is scary and I know it would be forced out of duty only. I know the feel of duty is a major issue as to why my husband hated me and became more abusive. This is a big reason I feel unsafe at getting into a new relationship.
Rain your brother sounds a lot like me. Now if I could find someone with similar fears maybe I could do a bit better then again I don't know. I certainly don't want to hurt someone because I am not stable. It does make me feel worthless and hopeless. I am in counseling I have a hard time even scratching the surface of many of the things going in without shutting down or putting up walls. The idea of asexual dating feels safer to me and I think maybe worth at least reading more on.

[Big Mama]

I simply do not like sex. I never have. I take zoloft and now I could REALLY care less. My H asked was he really that bad. I told him no that was not it. When he asked me to explain the best way I could I told him. I like men. But God took a perfectly good man and put a penis on him and that I had issues w/. I have been a victon of rape. That may be part of why I don't like sex. I have been know to do it. I just have no desire. I to take care of my H's needs as best I can. I to was under the impression as a young adult that you had to have sex to have a man and to have him stay.

A friend of mine talks about how she wants it and her H doesn't and it drives her crazy. I think she must be the luckiest girl in the world. So we all have different needs.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by azizaAkos

I have some pretty severe issues with men. Trust issues mostly the men I have known have either hurt me sexually, physically or emotionally. The funny thing is that my therapist is a man ha ha jokes on me right? Figures but at the same time if I can talk to him even to a point that progress for me. I don't know how to bring up this issue though because it's hard enough to post it online let alone talk about it!
I think some of my issue is also social anxiety as well with the above I just tend to mentally shut down. Then u feel extreme shame, guilt yada yada. while I do have a low sex drive I think if I wasnt dealing with the other stuff to begin with I would be at least somewhat functional. At the same time I miss having someone in my life I feel in a way more depressed and volunerable I miss the connection on a emotion level the idea of dating though with the idea that at some point "more" will be expected is not something I feel at this point I can handle. I love the holding hands and being somewhat near but can't go past that at this point. I feel asking for anyone to date me is unreasonable and unfair to them. This though makes me feel so lonely depressed and I just want to cry.
It's been well over a year since I've "been" with someone and I still have a very low drive and the idea is scary and I know it would be forced out of duty only. I know the feel of duty is a major issue as to why my husband hated me and became more abusive. This is a big reason I feel unsafe at getting into a new relationship.
Rain your brother sounds a lot like me. Now if I could find someone with similar fears maybe I could do a bit better then again I don't know. I certainly don't want to hurt someone because I am not stable. It does make me feel worthless and hopeless. I am in counseling I have a hard time even scratching the surface of many of the things going in without shutting down or putting up walls. The idea of asexual dating feels safer to me and I think maybe worth at least reading more on.

You have a host of psychological issues, so I take my suggestion of Wellbutrin back. You need gentle, caring therapy instead. Maybe down the road Wellbutrin, but not now.