[wiltingyellowrose]

This past week I caught my husband replying to adds from other men for sex. I don't even know how to begin to process this. He denies that he is gay, bisexual, or even curious. He said he was doing it for fun and that it is all just a game. These men live locally in our area. What am I to think. I look at him and all I see is a pervert. I'm almost positive that this has been going on for a while. I really don't know what to think, what to do, or anything. Worse yet the adds that I found were from Thanksgiving day while I was at work and he was home with our 2 year old son. How gross and perverted. He offered to host for some of these men. I just don't understand. He has tried to blame me, his father, his upbringing... If anyone has advise for this one I could sure use it.

[Rhapsody]

When you say your husband is willing to host for these guys... is he wanting to be involved with the sex or is he just wanting to watch? - just asking to get a handle on where your husband is coming from.

Plus... How are you and your husband handling this matter with each other?

[e_sort]

many people have attractions to others of the same gender and there's nothing unnatural, perverted, or gross about it. Certainly it has nothing to do with your son, or any child.

but yeah, responding to personal ads when you're married is not so good. whether it's men or women he's talking to, it's a betrayal.

[Lihn]

You would find it helpful reading a post from FORUMS. A blog by Dr. Samuel Lopez explain prople with behavior that is not healthy but they cover up and blame everyone else but themselves for their behavior.

It's called. How to spot a narcissistic. You may be in for a ride that you didn't expect but hang in there and look for answers.

Personally I would be extremely cautious. Forgiving and forgetting this type of behavior has a high price tag.

Hang in there hon, be strong, admit the truth, early and not too late.

[Lihn]

or is it under blog. i have it saved under favorites but not on this computer.......

but anyway, if you decide to read it or you want to but can't find it, i'll try and help direct you to it, it's on this web site.

[Slothrop]

Eesh. Sorry to hear this has happened to you.

I wonder what he meant by "just a game." That he's just messing with these guys? That'd be pretty mean. I doubt that's what's going on, though.

Unfortunately, some guys are in the closet and decide not to be honest with other people affected, or even themselves.

e_sort is right, the same-sex thing is natural...but trying to hook up while sitting your 2-year-old daughter? There's definitely something gross about that.

How long have you been married?

[EJ711]

That's a hell of a note.

What would it take to get out of your marriage?

Oh, I'm sorry!!

EJ

[wiltingyellowrose]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

When you say your husband is willing to host for these guys... is he wanting to be involved with the sex or is he just wanting to watch? - just asking to get a handle on where your husband is coming from.

Plus... How are you and your husband handling this matter with each other?

Hosting means that he would have that person come to our home (when I am away) and that they would have sex.
He has gone to counseling once. I don't think he realizes how serious this is. I have an upcoming couseling appointment and an appointment with a lawyer. I'm not sure how to handle this. All I see when I look at him is a pervert.

[wiltingyellowrose]

Originally Posted by Lihn

or is it under blog. i have it saved under favorites but not on this computer.......

but anyway, if you decide to read it or you want to but can't find it, i'll try and help direct you to it, it's on this web site.

Thank you. I will try to access it.

[wiltingyellowrose]

Originally Posted by Slothrop

Eesh. Sorry to hear this has happened to you.

I wonder what he meant by "just a game." That he's just messing with these guys? That'd be pretty mean. I doubt that's what's going on, though.

Unfortunately, some guys are in the closet and decide not to be honest with other people affected, or even themselves.

e_sort is right, the same-sex thing is natural...but trying to hook up while sitting your 2-year-old daughter? There's definitely something gross about that.

How long have you been married?

It will be 2 years in April, but we have been living together for 5.

[wiltingyellowrose]

Originally Posted by e_sort

many people have attractions to others of the same gender and there's nothing unnatural, perverted, or gross about it. Certainly it has nothing to do with your son, or any child.

but yeah, responding to personal ads when you're married is not so good. whether it's men or women he's talking to, it's a betrayal.

I know that same sex attraction is not unnatural. I have a few gay and bi friends. What bothers me is that it is not a relationship he is after, it is just pure sex with a stranger (men in particular). Even that would be okay, but then I feel that we should not be married. That is some risky behavior. I worry about my own health not knowing if he has already met some of these guys.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by wiltingyellowrose

That is some risky behavior. I worry about my own health not knowing if he has already met some of these guys.

I understand the worries you are having... and I wonder if you have asked your self what will you do if he has been with another guy already?

[Ednava58]

Wow, honestly I would know how I would react, I know when I found my ex looking at porn, and almost everyone does it and that is not the problem, it is the lies and deceit that seems to ruin the trust. I am sorry to host at your house with your child there is totally wrong, to me cheating is wrong anyway, no matter what. I would definitely get counselling separately and together if you want the marriage to work but I went to counselling and you both have to be honest. The problem with that is, one is normally honest and the other one that has the issues is not, so until both can be honest counselling does not really help, at least that is my opinion. I do understand how you feel and I would be concerned my my health issues also. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Wow, people are pretty lenient here. If I caught my husband doing that, there would be no marriage therapy, nothing. I would kiss his *** goodbye.

[Slothrop]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

If I caught my husband doing that, there would be no marriage therapy, nothing. I would kiss his *** goodbye.

There's something to be said for that approach!

It's hard to tell someone in a forum to kick their mate out when you don't know for sure if you have all the facts...but yeah, if the guy is doing random hookups, and doesn't even see anything wrong with it, and even has a little daughter for heaven's sake, then I don't have much sympathy for him either.

[PsychGirl2006]

seriously, his bags would be packed an his @ss out of the house! Was he planning to meet these men at your house w/ your child there? Ugh! Good luck to you and ur child.
For the record he sounds like a "closet case" to me.

[Jfs1228]

I'm a 54 yo gay man who has done what your husband is doing. (the difference is that I wasn't married). You would be amazed how many MARRIED guys are on these sites. Some do it because it is a turn on for them. Others because they are bisexual. Others because they are confused. I was probably in the latter group. I had my first gay expeience right after I got out of college. I was so disgusted with myself that I stayed away from relationships and sex for 20+ years. (growing up Catholic can carry with it some strong feelings of guilt.) I finally went to see a therapist. I admitted I was bi but that I wanted a relationship with a woman. After three years of therapy I held fast to that but my therapist was pushing me to admit I was gay. Anyway, rather than accept that possibility I stopped therapy - typical guy thing! But over the last 4 or 5 years I started to think more about it. I found a couple of personals sites and started responding to ads. At first it was a game and I'd never met with anyone. That changed and I was selective about who I met. Ironically I looked for married men because they had a lot to lose and so discretion would be assured. Long story short, I met a guy who was married at the time. He was getting a divorce and was accepting the fact that he was gay. We've been partners for over a year and living happily together.

Now about your husband. He would probably benefit from seeing a therapist. He needs to sort through his feelings and figure out why he's doing what he's doing. I had a hard time going at first because I wasn't going to talk about how I felt - another guy thing. In the first session, the therapist, who was a woman asked me if I at least masturbated. That was a word that was never said in our house when I was a kid let alone talked about. It took me back a bit but I realized she'd heard it all before so I could tell her anything. Even though I stopped seeing her she had me thinking about a lot of things which is what helped me accept that I am gay.

I wish you a lot of luck. If your husband is actually having sex with these guys I sure hope he's playing safely. Be well.

[filifera]

The big question for your husband to answer is, "just what part of 'forsaking all others' did you not understand when we said our marriage vows?"

It doesn't matter whether he's "hosting" men or women, the point is that he's decided on his own to break his marriage vows with you. And he's apparently doing (or at least soliciting) this in your home, with your child present. His behavior is outrageous, and extremely disrespectful of you, your health, your marriage, and your child.

I'm with the others -- if he were mine, he'd be out of the house NOW, with or without his bags packed. Not all the good ones are taken, not by a long shot. There's no reason to stay with a creep like that.

[TheWorldIsConfused]

Originally Posted by wiltingyellowrose

This past week I caught my husband replying to adds from other men for sex. I don't even know how to begin to process this. He denies that he is gay, bisexual, or even curious. He said he was doing it for fun and that it is all just a game. These men live locally in our area. What am I to think. I look at him and all I see is a pervert. I'm almost positive that this has been going on for a while. I really don't know what to think, what to do, or anything. Worse yet the adds that I found were from Thanksgiving day while I was at work and he was home with our 2 year old son. How gross and perverted. He offered to host for some of these men. I just don't understand. He has tried to blame me, his father, his upbringing... If anyone has advise for this one I could sure use it.

You need to come to terms that the man you married is homosexual. Being gay is not a choice as he and you have discovered. Counseling will not make him straight. You need to come to terms with him being gay. He will likely never accept the idea that there is any possibly of being gay. Men are not raised to become homosexual. Throughout a mans life they are being consciously and unconsciously told gay is bad. Culture religion peers are obsessed about not being gay. After the age of 16 you pretty much know. Its not gender confusion its PTSD... Hes gay. Best thing you can do is get a divorce and help another threw it or go your own ways... Im sorry this happened to you it happened to my mother when shes started dating after my father passed away.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wiltingyellowrose

He denies that he is gay, bisexual, or even curious.

He has tried to blame me, his father, his upbringing...

Blame for what?

[unaluna]

Check the dates, this is a very old thread.

[Harley47]

Hi Wilting. I hope I can be of some help.

Firstly, please allow me to say I am sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine how you must feel.

I don't think, going off your first post, he is necessarily a pervert, nor do I think he himself is a danger to your son, if that was ever a fear. I do think, however, he is being INCREDIBLY irresponsible by offering to host for men he does not know with a child present, and I think he is being just as disrespectful to you and your marriage by doing such things. Your anger there is totally and completely justified. His behavior to you in doing this is a violation of the "contract" of a sorts that is your marriage vow. I am sorry he has put you through this.

I do not believe he has the right to blame you or anybody else (in the matter of "anyone else" barring perhaps extreme circumstances). I think, though this is my thoughts with myself having only an outsider's view on it (thus please someone do correct me if I am mistaken), that this was likely a present desire well before he ever married you. You are not to blame.

I always find it difficult to advise anything regarding the status quo of married couples, and I generally try to avoid the subject as I am able. I don't feel it's my place to offer such advice. However, if you are interested in trying to maintain the relationship, I would recommend marriage counseling for the two of you. They can, perhaps, help discover why he felt this was the best course of action, and help you two reconcile and work past the betrayal. If you decided not to, my advice then would be to grab a screenshot of the ads (control + prntsc on your keyboard, if memory serves?) and try to provide adequate documentation proving it is indeed him (a decent attorney on his part would try to deny the ads are actually his, and probably try to call you out, for lack of better legal parlance, for "snooping" or some such nonsense). Either way, I would ultimately advise you give yourself a length of time to process the information you've been given...don't make major decisions while the news and shock is still fresh. When you've had that time, trust your heart.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you. He owed it to you to at least have the honesty to tell you what was going on there (admittedly, probably idealistic on my part, but...still), and his actions were without consideration of your feelings or with any respect for your relationship.

Please know you are in my prayers, and if I can do anything for you, I'm only a PM away.

Hugs,
Harley

EDIT: Wow...yes it is Hankster. I hadn't noticed. Who resurrected the topic?

Anyway, my thoughts still stand. Should you ever read this Wilted, I do hope things worked out, however they may.

[olive98]

Originally Posted by wiltingyellowrose

This past week I caught my husband replying to adds from other men for sex. I don't even know how to begin to process this. He denies that he is gay, bisexual, or even curious. He said he was doing it for fun and that it is all just a game. These men live locally in our area. What am I to think. I look at him and all I see is a pervert. I'm almost positive that this has been going on for a while. I really don't know what to think, what to do, or anything. Worse yet the adds that I found were from Thanksgiving day while I was at work and he was home with our 2 year old son. How gross and perverted. He offered to host for some of these men. I just don't understand. He has tried to blame me, his father, his upbringing... If anyone has advise for this one I could sure use it.

Was your husband pretending to be gay online for fun? Its possible, because when you think about it, its kind of a funny thing to try! He might never have met any of these guys, and might be just seeing what gay people are like. I never met a gay guy in my life. But some of my girlfriends are bi and i'm bi-curious. But when you see gay guys on tv its like really different world, so maybe your husband was just seeing what gay people are like etc.