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  #1  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 01:37 PM
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KellyDaMighty KellyDaMighty is offline
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So my baby is a year old and since giving birth I have had NO drive what so ever and it is really hurting our relationship. When we do try something, it is really painful to me. My husband is obviously bothered by this as he constantly begs/mildly harasses me about it and if I don't then he will go off very obviously disappointed. He will offer to preform oral on me and I still really don't want anything sexual out of it. It is really bothering me because of how much he is obviously upset that we aren't being intimate anymore. Is there anyway I can force myself to get intimate?

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  #2  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 07:44 PM
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adam_k adam_k is offline
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That is a tough situation. Have you taken any medications that decrease your sex drive? Antidepressants are known for this as well as other medications. Another possibility is hormones. I think low estrogen causes dimension sex drive. Low estrogen symptoms are reduced sex drive and painful intercourse.

I think for anyone who is married, sex drive comes and goes sometimes. Stress and life events can put an emotional load on someone and reduce their desire for sex.

You pain during intercourse is troubling. You may want to talk to your doctor to make sure everything is ok.

Is it just sex, or is it intimacy he is after? Could giving him oral sex meet his desires? Being on the husband side of this it is frustrating. I don't know what your husband is like, but sometime it is just an urge you can't shake away with reasoning. It seams like sex and reason don't go hand and hand for us.
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KellyDaMighty
  #3  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 08:55 PM
Aokigahara Aokigahara is offline
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is it more an emotional or physical issue? if its physical, i'd suggest seeing a doctor. if its emotional, i'd guess it has to do with hormones. either way, the most crucial element is how you feel about your relationship: do you really want it to work out and why. that's something you have to answer for yourself. if you do, than i would suggest making an effort to work through this issue. if i had to guess, i would say that some of his "disappointment" is actually concern that you've lost interest in him. if that's the case, than making an effort to solve the issue should be reassuring to him. in the end though, i guess it just depends on how much you care.
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KellyDaMighty
  #4  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 09:49 PM
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adam_k adam_k is offline
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I think feeling forced into it can gender your mood for sex. If you feel like it is a chore, then it is not very exciting. I think sex is best when it happens naturally with affection. Feeling pressured to please someone leaves your needs unmet. I can see the turn off there. He may just be considering his desires without considering your wants/needs.

I think doctors can give you a hormone test. It could be your estrogen is low, and that creates some of your issues, along with others. Taking care of a 1 year old and having a child is also major life events that can chnage your priorities.
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  #5  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 10:04 PM
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KellyDaMighty KellyDaMighty is offline
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I do want to say my husband is not a ba guy. I have been in an abusive relationship before and this is not it. In fact he is a great guy. Just very tactless and rather single minded at times. I do think my nursing the has something to do with it but I am nervous that there may be underlying issues. My mom was a great mom (still is) but is really closed off when it comes to sex and I have NEVER been comfortable discussing it in a clinical way if that makes sense. I'm already fretting over when my daughter will start experimenting. It keeps me awake at night. And no I'm not over religious nor do I except her to stay celibate till marriage for I wouldn't want her to get married for the wrong reasons. I'm just weird about the whole thing.
  #6  
Old Apr 18, 2013, 11:15 PM
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Big Mama Big Mama is offline
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well dear if you re nursing that is totally it. The more your baby relies on you for nurishment the less likely you are to want sex. God planned it that way. If your baby needs you for nurishment and you get pregnent again then your current child will be the one to lose out on valuable nutrients.

I nursed all three of my kids. I nursed for 18 mo, 9 months, and 2 1/2 years. On top of not having the drive to have sex, you also are getting a good amount of hugging and cuddling from a small child who needs you more then anything. Often that is enough for a mom to not really feel the need for more closeness w/ another person. Sometimes (in my case) it is enough to make you want to cringe if another person needs one more thing from you.

With the exaustion that a child brings reguardless of the age, and the late nights, interupted sleep, laundry, dishes, and work if you choose to work. It is amazing that you have time or enough sanity to remember to brush your teeth. Much less satisify someone elses sexual needs.

It is hard to remember that daddies still need to be loved to. Aren't men our biggest babies anyway. They need us, our help our attention and even our affection. I know that it may seem that your H has a one track mind, but could he be feeling ignored and just want mommy all to him self some.

You can't make yourself want to do it, but you can do it anyway and sometimes it turns out you are glad you did do it. On the plus side, it makes your H happier and more agreeable to most likely.

Hope yall can find a happy medium.
Thanks for this!
adam_k, shezbut
  #7  
Old Apr 20, 2013, 12:00 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Big Mama, no, that is not true for all women.

I tandem-nursed (meaning, nursed a toddler through a pregnancy with her baby sister, and then nursed two for a while, together, one on each breast), so I was nursing more than usual, but after the baby was born, I had intercourse probably within 3-5 days - the birth was a home birth and the midwives in attendance said that it was OK to have intercourse - after hospital births, the usual advice is to wait for 6 weeks, but they said that since the birth was just a normal uneventful vaginal birth (well, not quite uneventful since I hemorrhaged, but uneventful enough in their opinion), I could go ahead, and I did, with pleasure.

Kelly, I think the culprit is your attitude. Your attitude is really unusual. Normally, mothers of one year old daughters are not

Quote:
Originally Posted by KellyDaMighty View Post

already fretting over when my daughter will start experimenting. It keeps me awake at night.
Partly, this is so because mothers of one year old children, usually, are too wrapped up in day-by-day stuff. Childproofing the apartment or house, watching the baby, averting immediate dangers, singing to the baby if you like that, blotting spilled milk with paper towels, going for a walk... things like that. And then, after being wrapped up in day-to-day stuff, mothers just drop dead tired, some after sex, others without sex, but most not fretting over what would happen in a distant future and certainly not losing sleep over it.

I did have ONE moment like that, actually - when my son was a baby, I was learning how to drive a car (I was very late with that), and at some point I became terrified to death thinking how he would grow up and need to learn to drive a car... So I understand, to a point. Still, it was a feeling of terror for a minute or two - I did not stay awake at night due to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KellyDaMighty View Post
I'm just weird about the whole thing.
You are weird about the whole thing.

But you know it. So you will be able to deal with it.
  #8  
Old Apr 20, 2013, 01:58 AM
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shezbut shezbut is offline
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((Kelly))

Nursing is commonly does affect a woman's sense of sexual desire/s. I've had 2 kids and nursed both for a year each. In both cases, my desire went caput! Whereas during each pregnancy, I had a lot more interest in sex than usual.

Worrying about your baby daughter's future isn't strange, imo, either. I've worried about those upcoming teenage years their future before I even got pregnant in the first place!

Try not to worry too much. You're a mommy ~ we typically do worry about all of the things that could happen to our children. In most cases though, our worries are unfounded & we spend too much time not being present in the current moment. Enjoy NOW. Your daughter is young, and at such a fun age imo!! Remind yourself to be mindful of what's happening now. Right now! Not last week, next month, or years from now.

Check out the attached link to consider getting additional help in re-connecting with your hub emotionally & hopefully, the sex will slowly be comfortably re-added into your marriage. Very best wishes to you!

LLLI | Sexuality and Breastfeeding
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