I thought it about time that I start to talk a little about the sexual issues I have . I hate this but I don’t know how long I can continue to be at war with my own feelings...

Something that I really struggle with is that I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I have sexual urges, and I definitely have a lot of them; it can be overwhelming at times. Even admitting that I have them is uncomfortable and not something I will normally do. It might sound ridiculous but to me having sexual desires is an extremely private and guarded secret. Under no circumstances will I talk about this or anything sexual with a healthcare professional, a T, or anyone that knows me. A few times I have considered creating a second account to be able to talk about these things without the PC community knowing it was me.

I have a difficult and disturbing relationship with sex and sexual desires. As I child I was sexually abused and for a long time I believed that I was nothing more than an object of sexual pleasure for adults; indeed, I thought all children were and that that was why adults had children. I didn’t understand I was being abused – I thought it was how the world worked.

When I started to mature that was when I began a war with my sexual desires. I felt and continue to feel like I shouldn’t have these desires and that they are wrong and bad. Even now it can be hard for me to be around women my own age because I feel attracted to them, and I feel like I shouldn’t have that attraction, which creates this kind of mental and physical war with myself.

An older friend of mine has a daughter about 2 years younger than me and she is super attractive, kind, and intelligent. I would definitely like to be closer to her, but I don’t want that to conflict with my relationship with her dad. As of now she doesn’t seem interested in me whatsoever but respects me because she is kind and I am close to her dad.

The issue I have is when around women I find attractive is that I feel overwhelmed with this war in me, and this recently happened with the aforementioned female. It started like, “Wow she is attractive,” but then because I feel bad that I thought that I attempt to fight it with thoughts like, “No! Shut up! I’m not supposed to think that,” and it continues on and on, becoming worse until I am away from her. I can start to sweat, feel anxious, a plethora of reactions because of this internal war.

I don’t know. It’s hard to explain this. I don’t know how to relax. The same is how I feel about seeing sexual acts on TV/movies, pornography, etc. I am attracted to it, sometimes with overwhelming feelings, but I feel like I am not supposed to be.

What I have worried so long about is what if I am inside a horrible human being, like a rapist or pervert, that will hurt others? . I don’t know what is healthy or not and my feelings are all over the place. I’ve always thought that if I kept a stranglehold on my desires/urges and denied myself anything that aroused me I could contain an inner demon that I felt has always been there :O .

I am so messed in the head…

Stop fighting with yourself. Follow your heart. Tell the girl that you like her. See her reaction and then follow.

[Big Mama]

Mr.V, I totally feel for you. It is hard to follow your heart and follow your brain. Why did god give u hormones, a mind and a heart. They all function together well unless they are at war w/ each other. I know it feels crazy for you.

I don't see you as a rapist or pervert. You are human w/ youth on your side which leads to hormone issues. I used to be like you and not want to mention sexual anything to anyone. Until I came here to PC. I have not even been here a year. I am 38 for crying out loud and have 3 kids. But I cover my face w/ a pillow when I talk to the T about sexually related stuff.

This forum has helped me think outside the box. 6 mo ago I would have never in a MILLION years mentioned anything about my sex life. OMG the thing I have commented about on here, I can't beleive it was really me. There are things I wish you didn't know about my sexuality. (if you choose to look around this forum some it would scare you, Big Mama does what)

You are not alone in thinking about having two accounts here. So that people will not know that the person posting certin q's are really you. I have thought about that. I can hardley manage one account though. And I would feel really dishonest to.

Reguarding the girl mentioned, I'd leave her alone. How weird would it be if a friendship was ruined because of trying to make it more then a friendship. That is the kind of answer that cost me friendship oppertunities though. So you might not want to follow my adivce on that one. Thats what I would do. The realistic thing would be to do what soups said. Go for it. But being a realist, the harsh reality is a friendship might be lost due to that choice. IDK what to do. I know that his has not exactly been advice. I just want you to know you are not alone in your struggles. People who visit this forum are very VERY open. Hang around a bit and respond every now and again and you might feel a little more comfortable.

I hope it helped you feel better to "come clean" but what you're describing sounds pretty much normal for a young man. To a heterosexual male women are attractive...sometimes very much so.
I'm sure that your experience being sexually abused makes this all really confusing and hard to sort out. I'm glad you posted about this just to ease your own mind a bit I hope.
You aren't doing anything wrong. I was exposed to sex by older girls and women at a too young age as well. It does confuse things later on. It can be sorted out though

[H3rmit]

Hi again, Mr. V -

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Something that I really struggle with is that I feel embarrassed and humiliated that I have sexual urges, and I definitely have a lot of them; it can be overwhelming at times. Even admitting that I have them is uncomfortable and not something I will normally do. It might sound ridiculous but to me having sexual desires is an extremely private and guarded secret. Under no circumstances will I talk about this or anything sexual with a healthcare professional, a T, or anyone that knows me.
. . .
I have a difficult and disturbing relationship with sex and sexual desires. As I child I was sexually abused and for a long time I believed that I was nothing more than an object of sexual pleasure for adults; indeed, I thought all children were and that that was why adults had children. I didn’t understand I was being abused – I thought it was how the world worked.

When I started to mature that was when I began a war with my sexual desires. I felt and continue to feel like I shouldn’t have these desires and that they are wrong and bad. Even now it can be hard for me to be around women my own age because I feel attracted to them, and I feel like I shouldn’t have that attraction, which creates this kind of mental and physical war with myself.

Ah! I can see how this would make things extremely difficult with the opposite sex. There are a couple of other men on here with past sexual abuse who have posted about problems with sex . . . with their wives. One didn't want sex and after obliging his wife would run to the shower, and his wife did not understand. The other felt that he was being the abuser by having sex with his wife. In other words - men who have been abused have the same kind of difficulties as women who have been abused in this way.

But surely it is possible to heal from that.

You are no monster, but simply have been harmed by what happened in the past. And feel disturbed, and emotions do telegraph to other people, even if they are then often misinterpreted. And of course being Aspie brings interpersonal issues as well.

Good luck to you - and congrats on posting at least here. I hope the shame and disturbing feelings drain away, as there is nothing wrong with you, it seems, but only with what was done to you!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Under no circumstances will I talk about this or anything sexual with a healthcare professional, a T,

That part stems from treating healthcare professionals as authority figures - a mistake a whole lot of people make in both sexual and non-sexual contexts.

If you think through it, carefully, you should be able to realize that you have a very limited set of obligations vis-a-vis healthcare professionals, such as (drawing on a typical US set-up):

- pay the arranged fee for the services or arrange for the insurance to pay
- arrive on time
- notify of missing appointments 24-48 hours in advance or pay for no-shows

That is all. Also, in your best interest, be honest with the healthcare professionals.

Now, that really is all.

Where does you fear to disclose sexual information to healthcare professionals fit in, then?

Thanks to all the responses to his difficult subject for me.

Your description of those other male survivors of sexual abuse describes me 100%, Hermit; in fact, the fear that by having sex makes me the abuser is the exact fear and thought that I have. It makes me feel uncomfortable and afraid when I think of others, especially people I know, having sex. On TV it's talked about and discussed like an everyday subject, and I don't know how to process sex so casually.

But the other side of the coin is that I desire sex. I desire and fear the same .

Hamster, it's not that I won't disclose sexual information to healthcare professionals specifically, I won't disclose that information to anyone, and under most circumstances I'd rather suffer than see a doctor. (Can't really explain where this dislike of doctors comes from.)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Hamster, it's not that I won't disclose sexual information to healthcare professionals specifically, I won't disclose that information to anyone, and under most circumstances I'd rather suffer than see a doctor. (Can't really explain where this dislike of doctors comes from.)

I see - so it is not that you are ashamed of what you experience or afraid of a doctor's reaction to what you might say, but just dislike the doctors. Fair enough.

[Big Mama]

Mr.V, I am the same way. The Dr. for the longest time (5yrs) never knew that that my psych meds affected my sex drive. I didn't mention it. The Dr. read off a list of possible side affects. That was one of them and I answered yes or no to every question. That got a yes.

That is just an area of life that is/was very private. It is not something that is up for discussion. After finding The T I have now, 9 months after being w/ her have I began to mention sex related stuff. It has to be in writing. I can't say the words. She is fine w/ that. She can respond in words and ask me yes or no questions. I can respond yes or no. Sometimes I can't answer even then, just a nod. Have you considered writing some of the things that have happened to you and showing it to the T. That might would make it easier.

If there are things I need to volunteer, I do so w/ a pillow over my face. I am so embarrassed. So good luck in over coming this issue