[Iam42years]

I don't know why but I do. I hate it all. I love my boyfriend or at least I think I do and I did like it for a few times but now all I do when we have sex is shut off my brain and pray for it to be done quickly. I know it used to be like that with my other boyfriends but I really dont know why it started again, I thought I was over all of those issues. why would it just start up again. Nothing is different.

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC Iam42years. Have you told a doctor or explored why you feel this way? Is there any past sexual trauma? You said you don't know why it started again....I take that to mean you were okay for a period of time. It would be best to ask your doctor or therapist about this and I hope you find a solution.

[LadyShadow]

I agree with lynn P. on this one. You were ok for a time but now you hate it again? Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about this? I don't like sex because I hate my body so I have gone without it for 3 years. I would have sex again if I was comfortable with myself. Maybe you can relate.

[IndieVisible]

I'm a 57 year old male, I simply don't care for the intimacy involved with sex. I don't mind the sex part, but the intimacy part I do mind. What is going on for you could be totally different and I agree you should see a therapist just to find out what may be really going on. It helps to know why at least.

[Grey Matter]

I dislike sex. It bores me. Sometimes repulses me. I have been considered asexual by friends (do not be confused, asexual does not mean it can solved by a doctor, sometimes it just is). Sex does nothing for me but makes me feel like I wasted plenty of time I could have spent on something else.

Are you in pain when it happens? What do you mean your brain shuts off? I hope we can help even a bit.

[Iam42years]

You all have helped me greatly. Actually there has been a lot of trauma in the past but I really thought I got over it. I did the therapists, I tried classes etc. I really thought I had concurred it but I started reverting back to old ways I thought I was better because I stopped crying all the time during sex but I guess I am just not completely better. Reverting back to old ways meaning I just shut my brain off while it happens and I imagine myself in another place just doing everything I can to get it over with quickly. I feel so dirty when it is done I have to run to the bathroom clean up and a lot of the times leave the room making excuses I am not tired anymore and that he just goes to sleep without me. I know I cant expect anyone to have a relationship with me without sex but I dont know what else to do to like it. Any ideas?

[Inedible]

It doesn't seem to me that it should be impossible for you to find the right person. Maybe you are looking for a companion to live with, sleep in the same bed with, and maybe just plain hold from time to time? Something closer than just plain friends, but not a lover. Someone who will not go out and have sex with someone else, just because they aren't having sex with you. I don't know. The fact that you exist, with the choices you are making, would suggest that it is possible for such a person to be out there. I could be completely wrong about what you are looking for, but it doesn't matter how wrong I am so long as you are clear in your own mind. What I would suggest is that you be careful to allow for the possibility that what you want may change over time. You need someone who can grow with you.

[Big Mama]

Oh, Iam42, that sounds so much like me. I do the same thing, cry, dissociate, or just think "Please Be Done With ME" or "Hurry Up And Finish." It is a terrible way to think when you do really love the person you are with. I think each new person you are with may bring out different triggers. Could that be part of the issue.

I have been doing Trauma Work in T. I have isses to say the least. Trauma work to deal with past stuff. It is very difficult, but worth it. I think it has helped me with things, but I still can't seem to want to have sex. I have been married for 19 years. So a sexless marriage is not impossible. Ours is not sexless, but it is very much one sided. My H gets it and likes it, me I could care less if we ever do it again.

So I have no real words of wisdom, just know that we here you and you are not alone in this.

[Iam42years]

Big Mama, I cried so hard when you talked...... that is me too. I have sex but just to please my partner. I try so hard to like it I try so hard to make the other person happy I just cant get into it or even pretend to like it. I was married for 10 years so I know it is possible I have 5 kids so you know I have done it at least 4 time (a little humor I have twins ) but humor aside thank you so so so so so much. I thought I was so alone in these feelings. I may never fix this I may end up alone but knowing that someone else is out there that knows what I am going through and I am so sorry you feel like this but I am so very happy you told me so I am no longer alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Iam42years]

Big Mama what is Trauma work? none of my T have ever said anything like that.

[Big Mama]

Some T's specialize in couples, others in EMDR, phyco therapy, cognitive behavior therapy. Mine was doing marriage T, until I told her about what happened to me, and she said oh you need trauma therapy. She just happens to specialize in trauma work. Apparently it is used a lot for PTSD and military related trauma's, but it can also be done with rape survivors, domestic abuse survivors, and any other kinds of trauma.

I had a T who did not specialize in that and when I told her my story she told me "I am not qualified to deal w/ that" another just danced around the issues. This T I have now, I had no idea that trauma T was available. I had never heard of it. It is very interesting, and quite different from any T I have ever received.

I can send you more info later if you would like.