I have Sexual Sadism and Masochism thoughts. I am BI-sexual and think about both S and M frequently with women(I am happily married). I have periods where there is definitely significant distress mostly with friendships & really sexy lady strangers, though I am fine at work.

I know it is because I have had issues with female friends and them being back stabbing, gossiping, passive aggressive pieces of crap. And, honestly it's hard to find women that aren't, or i've just had REALLY bad luck. At the moment I'm just trying to have at least one female friendship that will last, with or without sex. I'm just hoping that the sex thoughts will go away after having a close friend for a long time, though I'm not sure that they will.

Are there any other females out there with this issue, or anyone who knows a female who has this issue? Any info about what has worked, what hasn't would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

[CANDC]

Cerebral thanks for visiting PC.

I have known a woman that was married and also tried to find women to be friends with and possibly more. If you establish a relationship that begins with sex then the sex thoughts keep coming back. Sex can be an addiction, those chemicals flowing through the brain are a cocktail of natural drugs that keep us interested in sex.

If you want a relationship without sex (the thoughts may be there but you don't have to act on them) then the best thing to do is to be a friend to others. See their needs and help solace them in troubled time, share their joy in good times. But I would NOT approach women at work unless you are willing to jeopardize your job.

I don't know what the answer is. I think the sadism and masochism scares off many people from replying. If it was just a married woman having affairs with women, then maybe you would get a larger response.

For me S&M is not a sensual experience, but a painful expression and hurtful thing to do to the body. To me it is like people doing self injury. I can't see it being a relationship building experience.

Would you be willing to consider dropping that S&M and just find people that care about you and can relate to you as a person? That to me would be the basis of having relationships that feel satisfying and might last.

" But I would NOT approach women at work unless you are willing to jeopardize your job."

I never have, and I never will.

"For me S&M is not a sensual experience, but a painful expression and hurtful thing to do to the body. To me it is like people doing self injury. I can't see it being a relationship building experience."

There are varying degrees of S & M, and what I enjoy is nothing extreme(no injuries or severe pain), it's mostly mental and is about the feeling of having or relinquishing control - It's about trust in a way.

"Would you be willing to consider dropping that S&M and just find people that care about you and can relate to you as a person? That to me would be the basis of having relationships that feel satisfying and might last.[/QUOTE]"

If the friendship has sex in it, then I want S & M.

I already said that I am fine with having a friend that I would not have sex with, I am just looking for tips on how to deal with the thoughts, and being able to talk with a friend about the problem I have, how much I should say, what not to say, etc.

Also, setting boundaries for non sex friends: I for instance would not be okay with non sexual friends teasing me in a sexual manner jokingly if they knew about my issue.

[ifst5]

I take it you can't act out these fantasies with your current partner? It sounds like you're feeling a bit unfulfilled sexually - so naturally the issue is spilling over into friendships and confusing things there. Or maybe you feel this would be better experienced with women? To be honest it very much depends on the kind of s & m - as you know there are many sub-types so maybe you can now focus on finding one that would work better with your partner? Providing they approve of it of course.

There are places to go where your fantasies can be safely and appropriately fulfilled - though whether this would be ok with your partner is another matter. If they understand that you're not cheating on them, merely paying for a service they can't provide, perhaps this would be a good way of dealing with the issue.

Just a thought. Other than that i would maybe go for counselling either individually or as a couple to help stop this issue potentially overtaking other areas of your life. Perhaps there is a connection between your previous experiences with women and these pervasive fantasies - or it might just be a desire you haven't quite worked out how to deal with.

Either way the best thing would be to continue talking about it - don't quash it down and just expect it all to go away.

I hope this is vaguely useful - hopefully other members will have more advice for you. Best of luck.

[Can't Stop Crying]

what does your husband think?

"[QUOTE=ifst5;4118864]I take it you can't act out these fantasies with your current partner? It sounds like you're feeling a bit unfulfilled sexually - so naturally the issue is spilling over into friendships and confusing things there. Or maybe you feel this would be better experienced with women? To be honest it very much depends on the kind of s & m - as you know there are many sub-types so maybe you can now focus on finding one that would work better with your partner? Providing they approve of it of course. "

My husband is sexually fullfilling 80% of the time, but he's not a woman. He is fine with me having a friend with benefits for s&m sex, he would not be involved because I would not be comfortable with that(he is fine with that).

The thing is, I have not always wanted sex with women so much, it got worse the older I got. That's why I think it's just related to not having a strong and lasting female friendship that lasted after moving away, etc.

"There are places to go where your fantasies can be safely and appropriately fulfilled - though whether this would be ok with your partner is another matter. If they understand that you're not cheating on them, merely paying for a service they can't provide, perhaps this would be a good way of dealing with the issue."

I tried a prostitute once(I only did certain things cause I'm paranoid about STDs)...it was expensive and the sex was boring, I could tell she wasn't into it...maybe I just had a bad one? I could try again, but the pricetag really deters me & I don't have the money for it except once in a while.

"Just a thought. Other than that i would maybe go for counselling either individually or as a couple to help stop this issue potentially overtaking other areas of your life. Perhaps there is a connection between your previous experiences with women and these pervasive fantasies - or it might just be a desire you haven't quite worked out how to deal with. "

We already talked through everything on this we could on this, and I don't have funds for a counselor. I would be paying them for ideas, which I can just get online myself.

[RedSun]

I have Sexual Sadism and Masochism thoughts. I am BI-sexual and think about both S and M frequently with women(I am happily married). I have periods where there is definitely significant distress mostly with friendships & really sexy lady strangers, though I am fine at work.

Yep, I could have written this word for word! (Shame you're so far away...
But I have very good close female friends, and always have had, so for me that's not a connection. I have recently had a brief sexual relationship with one of my best friends, but I don't really feel that way about her so it was weird.
My h doesn't know (he has heard me identify as bi, but he would never bring it up or tell anyone else), wow I envy you that your h is okay with you having a friend with benefits! We don't do s and m stuff either, I guess we are just too entrenched in our ays, and also stuff about being parents etc....I don't know.

I think from what you've said, that it may be important for you to develop friendships with females where sex is definitely not on the agenda, so that you can build a strong platonic relationship. Maybe someone who you really are not attracted to . It is often very confusing when sex and friendships get muddled. I felt quite repulsed by what I had done with my friend for a while, and it affected the way I felt about her for a bit, which isn't fair, cos she's lovely!

Have you looked around to see if there are any groups near you that get together kind of like swinger party ?
Try putting an ad on craigslist over at the personal section . In your ad say what your looking for you just might get a few that are into it .

Originally Posted by Red75

I think from what you've said, that it may be important for you to develop friendships with females where sex is definitely not on the agenda, so that you can build a strong platonic relationship. Maybe someone who you really are not attracted to . It is often very confusing when sex and friendships get muddled. I felt quite repulsed by what I had done with my friend for a while, and it affected the way I felt about her for a bit, which isn't fair, cos she's lovely!

Thank you for the advice, I'll make sure to not have sex with female friends if I'm not attracted to them. It sounds like it was quite hard for you and her both. Got any other tips for platonic friendships or non?

Ever had any platonic friends you had to stop being being friends with cause you were too attracted to them? I have. If so, what did you do?

Originally Posted by Nature1968

Have you looked around to see if there are any groups near you that get together kind of like swinger party ?
Try putting an ad on craigslist over at the personal section . In your ad say what your looking for you just might get a few that are into it .

Well, we don't do swingers stuff, but I have been considering looking for BDSM meets/ local websites. I'm actually a completely legit massage therapist and have never done any "happy endings", so I get worried about people I know professionally finding out I like BDSM. Massage therapy is not an easy field to get respect in because of all those Asian massage places around Florida. That's why I've steered clear of BDSM places thus far. I've tried craigslist, but you get a lot of guys looking for pics and old/ugly women, or women that are just plain crazy. And not not the crazy sexy way either .