[Rh01]

Hi all I will keep this as brief as I can I don't know if I'm in the right place for this post.
My son the youngest in the family is 16 and he is buying and baby stuff like bibs and baby bottles and soothers even adult nappies he has been building up quite a collection and I'm worried although we have always advised our children that whatever they turn out to be gay/bi.etc we have no issues as long as consenting adults or themselves but I do also know he has received items through the post ordered on line. I assume. How do I approach the subject what do I say? Or do I mind my own?
Thanks in advance
Rh

[glok]

Hello, Rh01. Is his behavior a problem? Do you think you and he could have a talk about your concerns without it becoming confrontational. If so, my suggestion is to broach the subject.

If talking to your son likely would be a problem, I would talk to your primary care physician to see if he/she thinks some sort of intervention is in order.

I wish you well.

[SnakeCharmer]

Hi, RhO1, I don't know anything about this subject. However, the other day I was looking at the Gender and Sexual Issue forum here at PsychCentral and came across a thread started by a 16 year old boy on this very subject.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...e-diapers.html

Older, more experienced posters who knew about his subject had reassuring things to say. You might find some answers to your questions on that forum.

[Slamjammer]

Ok, so... Has he been secretive about this, or has he done this openly? If it's been done openly, you are certainly entitled to start a conversation about it...hopefully in a non-accusing or non-confrontational manner.

If it's been done secretly, you'll need to be creative ... Bring it up without invading his privacy.

Either way, it's a conversation you must have.

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, Rh01. Is his behavior a problem? Do you think you and he could have a talk about your concerns without it becoming confrontational. If so, my suggestion is to broach the subject.

If talking to your son likely would be a problem, I would talk to your primary care physician to see if he/she thinks some sort of intervention is in order.

I wish you well.

Thank you Glock.
I suppose I am frightened myself to approach the subject but you are probably right. I don't think that it will be confrontational as such he's not hot headed and the same goes for me. I will take it on board and let you know the outcome of that when I do.
Thanks
GC

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Hi, RhO1, I don't know anything about this subject. However, the other day I was looking at the Gender and Sexual Issue forum here at PsychCentral and came across a thread started by a 16 year old boy on this very subject.


Older, more experienced posters who knew about his subject had reassuring things to say. You might find some answers to your questions on that forum.

Thank you SnakeCharmer.
I did read the link you put up I have never heard of this before I know I shouldn't be too worried but can't help myself. At the moment I am unsure who else knows and he's not even trying to hide the stuff too well. Although it's in his bedroom we don't go in that's their private space. Only once recently I went in and that was to repair heater in his room other than that I don't.
Thanks
GC

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by Slamjammer

Ok, so... Has he been secretive about this, or has he done this openly? If it's been done openly, you are certainly entitled to start a conversation about it...hopefully in a non-accusing or non-confrontational manner.

If it's been done secretly, you'll need to be creative ... Bring it up without invading his privacy.

Either way, it's a conversation you must have.

Hello Slamjammer
Thanks for reply. So far all his actions have been more or less secret. However it seems to me that he wants it to be out in the open. I have suspected that on more than one occasion that he has been wearing nappies around the house not naked but I can't be sure. I have tried to ask the other 2 boys indirectly about their brother and have they noticed anything we should know about. They tell me he's ok and give him time he'll talk to us when he's ready,

[Rh01]

Hi all update after speaking to therapist to day I am none the wiser. The long and short is they had never heard of it before and although they were quite keen to make sure it had nothing to do with real children they said he'll outgrow this. Personally myself I think that this maybe because they had no answers. I am at a loss. We have tried talking to him since and asked him to come clean to us I would like to think we are able to help whatever he's feeling. At first we were getting nowhere. Then he finally admitted having an "Ache like wanting something so bad it hurts" those words are his. So again we asked what is the problem. He told us we were right and that he was into being a baby and that yes he had been buying stuff, but because of the nature of it he thought that this was something that couldn't be shared and he was hoping we would discover by accident to save him the embarrassment of coming out with it. He's admitted discussing it with his siblings and best friend and apparently they don't care. He's also admitted making his room into a nursery. I have seen it and it is he has playpen and cot in there his old cot from the attic. Also redecorated to look like baby room. This in a week more or less I knew he was redecorating we let them do their own but never dreamed this was what he was up to. My wife took over at this point I couldn't carry on I was in tears blaming myself for not giving him enough attention and love and this was some sort of way to relive that. If that makes any sense. Anyway about an hour later myself and my wife discussed this together and the bought in his siblings to discuss. My reaction was apparently over the top which was to have him committed. Again not what I wanted but anger was overriding my heart. He has asked would it be possible to be a baby for a while? This is where I am now what do I say or do I know we have no younger children at home but it screams wrong. Do we partially agree to some of it? No to all of it? or come to some other arrangement? I was discussing with my brother to see if he had any suggestions he's a fairly broad and open mind and he had none. So if there is any help please feel free to comment I am at a loss we haven't agreed to anything with him it's under discussion and need a lot of time. Many thanks in advance
Rh01 and GC(wife)

[Slamjammer]

Sounds like you (he) need a different therapist. Something in his past has triggered this behavior. My opinion.... Find a reputable therapist who is qualified to do hypnotic regression therapy. He/she ought to be able to zero in on the cause fairly quickly...saving you and your son a lot of grief.

[SnakeCharmer]

You might be able to get some help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues, including sexual fetishes. You might also be able to learn more by googling terms like adult baby, diaper lover and paraphilic infantilism. I looked and there are countless articles, ranging from scholarly articles to fetish sites.

I don't think your son needs to be committed. Nor do I think you've failed as a parent. Your son has a fetish that seems to be more common than I would ever have imagined.

My own child displayed a fetish that made my hair stand on end. My goal was to learn what I could about it, become as accepting as possible and -- most importantly to me as a parent -- guiding in such a way that would encourage the use of sound judgment and avoidance of dangerous people in the fetish community who might not have honorable intentions. It worked out okay. That doesn't mean I liked it, but nothing really bad happened. I don't count my shocked values and morality as really bad. It was just something I'd never come up against before. I really was shocked. But I got over it and everything turned out okay.

It may sound absurd to talk about encouraging sound judgment while he engages in a fetish that seems all wrong to you. But there can be good and bad decisions all along the way. Help your son make as many good, safe decisions as possible.

And, you know, it really wouldn't hurt to apologize for the comments about committing him. You panicked. It's a shock when it's something you never heard of before. But, apparently, it's not all that uncommon. Go google. See what you can find out. That's how I started when faced with a fetish in my own family. But I don't want to give you the wrong impression that I was all calm and cool acceptance in the start. My hair was standing on end. At the crucial moment, I was so upset I was speechless. That allowed me to come across as much cooler and more accepting than I felt. Apparently, my eyes merely felt as if they were bugging out of my head. I could barely remember to breathe. But over time, things worked out okay.

You'll figure this out. You've been doing something right because there seems to be much better communication about a very difficult topic than there would be in many families. Give yourself some credit and from this day forward try to move ahead remembering he's still the son you've loved from Day One.

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by Slamjammer

Sounds like you (he) need a different therapist. Something in his past has triggered this behavior. My opinion.... Find a reputable therapist who is qualified to do hypnotic regression therapy. He/she ought to be able to zero in on the cause fairly quickly...saving you and your son a lot of grief.

I thank you again and will definitely look into that.
Take care
Rh01

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

You might be able to get some help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues, including sexual fetishes. You might also be able to learn more by googling terms like adult baby, diaper lover and paraphilic infantilism. I looked and there are countless articles, ranging from scholarly articles to fetish sites.

I don't think your son needs to be committed. Nor do I think you've failed as a parent. Your son has a fetish that seems to be more common than I would ever have imagined.

My own child displayed a fetish that made my hair stand on end. My goal was to learn what I could about it, become as accepting as possible and -- most importantly to me as a parent -- guiding in such a way that would encourage the use of sound judgment and avoidance of dangerous people in the fetish community who might not have honorable intentions. It worked out okay. That doesn't mean I liked it, but nothing really bad happened. I don't count my shocked values and morality as really bad. It was just something I'd never come up against before. I really was shocked. But I got over it and everything turned out okay.

It may sound absurd to talk about encouraging sound judgment while he engages in a fetish that seems all wrong to you. But there can be good and bad decisions all along the way. Help your son make as many good, safe decisions as possible.

And, you know, it really wouldn't hurt to apologize for the comments about committing him. You panicked. It's a shock when it's something you never heard of before. But, apparently, it's not all that uncommon. Go google. See what you can find out. That's how I started when faced with a fetish in my own family. But I don't want to give you the wrong impression that I was all calm and cool acceptance in the start. My hair was standing on end. At the crucial moment, I was so upset I was speechless. That allowed me to come across as much cooler and more accepting than I felt. Apparently, my eyes merely felt as if they were bugging out of my head. I could barely remember to breathe. But over time, things worked out okay.

You'll figure this out. You've been doing something right because there seems to be much better communication about a very difficult topic than there would be in many families. Give yourself some credit and from this day forward try to move ahead remembering he's still the son you've loved from Day One.

Thanks again
This is why I sought help because I felt all alone and although my wife accepts it easier I think she knows I a little harder to convince if that makes any sense I am indeed looking at those sites at present and like you say it is a hell of a lot more common than I thought it certainly has opened my eyes a little more and taking a piece of you advice straight away I did go and appologise to all for suggesting committing him and I explained that was just said out of hurt and frustration although they all knew this it was nice to hear it I feel a lot better in that regard. I will try for a different therapist tomorrow that may help. I will get back to you on that thanks again and if you think of anything else feel free to comment.
Thanks again Rh01

[monkeybrains21]

Who's to say it's a fetish? Does he sexualities it? If not maybe it's hit him that in a few short yrs he will be an adult. And these days being an adult suck so bad with the economy and the job market. Maybe he subconscious just wants to erase time and be a child again so he doesn't have to grow up, go to college and/or get a job. Maybe right now he just doesn't feel ready to be an adult and is scared.

I agree u and he need to team up and find a good therapist to help him with this important life transition.

[pegasus]

Hello Rh01,

This is only an issue if it is controling his life or impinging on others lives which it definitely is as he has asked his parents/siblings/friends to become involved with it. So, I would suggest talking with him to see if he can recognise this as a problem. I noted that you are from England so what you can do is, contact your local Community Mental Health Team (the number will be in the phone book) and you can make a referral through them or you can do it through your GP. Do not give up, it sounds like your son and your family could do with some help with this.

[Rh01]

Hi All.
I have been to see a psychologist/therapist today he was a little more helpful. My Son 1st and foremost has to agree to get help. Sometimes it's better to make them see themselves if that's possible the hurt and grief they are causing. He has said that while there has been little or very little research on this subject that there is no definite cure. The best we could probably hope for is my Son to keep his little side private. He said that it uses the same principles as the cross dresser or transgender it's possibly sexual although in this case he nearly certain it's not. He said sometimes the only way to fix something is to break it first. There are a couple of routes we can take the 1st is to let my son be his baby self for an agreed period of time in the safe environment of our home this option achieved by his own doing.
2nd same again but with our help and for us to keep notes on his progress and ask questions and find out how he is feeling at different points ie: after feeding sleeping or being changed. This as you can imagine is reliant an how far our own comfort zone will allow.
3rd Confine him to his room only to do as he wishes not in our own living area. This option maybe tricky as could cause son to withdraw and feel isolated and or an embarrassment to the family.
The therapist did say that the better he feels the more likely we are to get him to agree with therapy. So where do I go now? Does this sound correct to you. Therapist also said this is not going to be an overnight cure it's going to take some time. If you have any ideas let me know and thanks all for all the help greatly appreciated.
Rh01

Originally Posted by Rh01

Hi All.
I have been to see a psychologist/therapist today he was a little more helpful. My Son 1st and foremost has to agree to get help. Sometimes it's better to make them see themselves if that's possible the hurt and grief they are causing. He has said that while there has been little or very little research on this subject that there is no definite cure. The best we could probably hope for is my Son to keep his little side private. He said that it uses the same principles as the cross dresser or transgender it's possibly sexual although in this case he nearly certain it's not. He said sometimes the only way to fix something is to break it first. There are a couple of routes we can take the 1st is to let my son be his baby self for an agreed period of time in the safe environment of our home this option achieved by his own doing.
2nd same again but with our help and for us to keep notes on his progress and ask questions and find out how he is feeling at different points ie: after feeding sleeping or being changed. This as you can imagine is reliant an how far our own comfort zone will allow.
3rd Confine him to his room only to do as he wishes not in our own living area. This option maybe tricky as could cause son to withdraw and feel isolated and or an embarrassment to the family.
The therapist did say that the better he feels the more likely we are to get him to agree with therapy. So where do I go now? Does this sound correct to you. Therapist also said this is not going to be an overnight cure it's going to take some time. If you have any ideas let me know and thanks all for all the help greatly appreciated.
Rh01

I think you pretty much have to let him be his baby self in private whenever he wants. Otherwise, he'll just do it in secret anyway. But I think you can make the deal with him that he goes to therapy for this too, and that you get to have meetings with the therapist too about him, from time to time. You mentioned cross-dressing, and it does seem to me that this baby acting phenomenon is similar to that in some ways. Your therapist says there isn't much research on this. But I bet there has been lots written by about this, especially by people who have this "fetish" (I'm not sure "fetish" is really the right term, but I bet some people would call it that). I bet you can find old books about it, and find tons about it on the Internet, somewhere. Will he ever outgrow it? Hard to say. Do some young people do cross-dressing for a while, then never do it again? I think so, in some cases. Perhaps he will simply learn to keep in control, and do it only on somewhat rare, special occasions. Is this behavior related to and caused by something in his past, like a trauma in his early childhood or babyhood? Maybe. Do you recall anything like that? Maybe he does. Is this behavior related to and caused by something in his present or recent past, such as being rejected by someone at school, or getting booted out of a clique at school, or puberty, or a car accident, or a fight at school, or being bullied at school, or a recent first sexual encounter that left him upset? Well, maybe his therapist could pull any such thing out of him. Good luck.

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by TomThomas

I think you pretty much have to let him be his baby self in private whenever he wants. Otherwise, he'll just do it in secret anyway. But I think you can make the deal with him that he goes to therapy for this too, and that you get to have meetings with the therapist too about him, from time to time. You mentioned cross-dressing, and it does seem to me that this baby acting phenomenon is similar to that in some ways. Your therapist says there isn't much research on this. But I bet there has been lots written by about this, especially by people who have this "fetish" (I'm not sure "fetish" is really the right term, but I bet some people would call it that). I bet you can find old books about it, and find tons about it on the Internet, somewhere. Will he ever outgrow it? Hard to say. Do some young people do cross-dressing for a while, then never do it again? I think so, in some cases. Perhaps he will simply learn to keep in control, and do it only on somewhat rare, special occasions. Is this behavior related to and caused by something in his past, like a trauma in his early childhood or babyhood? Maybe. Do you recall anything like that? Maybe he does. Is this behavior related to and caused by something in his present or recent past, such as being rejected by someone at school, or getting booted out of a clique at school, or puberty, or a car accident, or a fight at school, or being bullied at school, or a recent first sexual encounter that left him upset? Well, maybe his therapist could pull any such thing out of him. Good luck.

Thanks TomThomas
You say let him do this in private. I do agree but I'm frightened of him feeling rejected if I shun him away to his room if indeed he was keeping it private I wouldn't bother it's not really a concern if it's by himself to himself as long as no children are involved or non consensual then I draw the line completely. You can see our predicament it's difficult at the very least. I do agree though that a therapist is required at the very least to explain and diagnose so hopefully fingers crossed we get through this on the side of the good. Thanks again and all the best
Rh01

[Rh01]

Originally Posted by Rh01

Thanks TomThomas
You say let him do this in private. I do agree but I'm frightened of him feeling rejected if I shun him away to his room if indeed he was keeping it private I wouldn't bother it's not really a concern if it's by himself to himself as long as no children are involved or non consensual then I draw the line completely. You can see our predicament it's difficult at the very least. I do agree though that a therapist is required at the very least to explain and diagnose so hopefully fingers crossed we get through this on the side of the good. Thanks again and all the best
Rh01

Did i misunderstand you sorry did you mean go ahead with baby thing at the privacy of our own home?
Thanks advice always welcome and greatly appreciated
Rh01

[SnakeCharmer]

Rh01, first I want to send kudos your way for approaching this situation in a helpful and intelligent way. Even though you don't have any absolute answers, you do sound dedicated to the idea of trying to figure out what will be most helpful to your son.

You might wander on over to the gender and sexual issues forum and post a link to this thread there and ask folks who have knowledge and experience with the adult baby and diaper loving phenomenon what they know about what helps and what hinders personal growth and mental health in a young person leaning in this direction.

I mean, we can all offer our well-meaning opinions, but how many of us have actual knowledge or personal experience with this particular situation? More people over on the sexual issues forum than on this particular one, I'm guessing.

Here's my well-meant opinion...

If this was happening in my family, I'd probably go with the option of not interfering with his baby activities in the privacy of his room. We do many things in private -- bathe, use the toilet, trim nostril hairs, self-pleasure, scratch our butts, break wind, dance naked -- that we might not choose to do in front of other people, including our family, maybe out of modesty, maybe out of consideration for other people's sensibilities. Even though it's private, it's not secret or shameful. If we start doing those private things in front of other people, including our family, it can start to become a major annoyance or worse. If he starts spending all of his time in his room, refusing to come out and join the family, well ... it might be best to worry about it when and if it actually happens instead of worrying about it in advance.

Is it fair to your other children and to your own temperament to allow him the run of the common living areas while in his baby attire? That's a question for the whole family to answer.

TomThomas made some very good points and I especially like this: I think you pretty much have to let him be his baby self in private whenever he wants. Otherwise, he'll just do it in secret anyway. But I think you can make the deal with him that he goes to therapy for this too, and that you get to have meetings with the therapist too about him, from time to time.

And this point that you made is vital: it's not really a concern if it's by himself to himself as long as no children are involved or non consensual

It might also be important to find out if he's involved in internet forums or chats that might include younger children or older adults. And definitely talk to him about not taking pictures of himself and sending them to anyone, even someone he thinks he can trust. Once a picture is out there, you can't get it back and you never know if it will come back to cause embarrassment, something countless people have learned the hard way.

You might need a few sessions with a therapist to coach you into calmness and reasonableness. It's so easy to start out a friendly conversation and then to start hearing one's own voice taking on harsh notes just because ... because. Some conversations are just plain difficult between parent and child.

I think you're doing a great job negotiating an unexpected and difficult situation in your family, doing your best to get it right. Good job.

[Rh01]

Thank you snakecharmer.
Points are well made . I will link upto this forum great idea. His internet is my internet this pc only or home pc I'm pleased to say. He has never been a fan of chat rooms and skype or facebook is probably about it and his facebook a handful of friends he turns down people he don't know and I think pretty good that way. I take your point though I will chat to him just in case thanks again
Rh01

SNAKECHARMER

[Myotherlife]

I've just got to weigh in here! I am now 71, and for all but the first 12 or 13 years of my life I have dealt with sexual fetishes which have caused unending shame, guilt, and loneliness. I could write a whole book about my experiences, and about what I have learned about fetishes (which are also known as paraphilias). Please be assured that your son's interest in diapers and baby stuff is not indicative of insanity, nor is it all that unusual. If you consider that there are many successful businesses that sell items exclusively aimed at Adult Baby Diaper Lover's, then you must realize that there are many men and women, with money, who are buying and using their products.

Most societies on Planet Earth are terribly conflicted about sex, to the point that we pretend to "like" only certain sexual activities that are sanctioned by religions, whereas the truth is that people engage, in private, in countless different activities. Lists of fetishes alone could fill a thick book — people get turned on by fur, saran wrap, **** insertions, underwear, farts, amputees, big men, little men, big women, little women, people of the same sex, urine, poop, mucus, cigarettes and cigarette smoke, cross dressing, choking, being tied up, being punished emotionally and physically, cutting themselves, burning themselves, and hurting other (consenting) people. Yet many people still think, and state publicly, that anything other than occasional sex with one's spouse, in the missionary position, is the only "proper" sex. The problem is that we, as a society, just don't talk about what we do in private. (It's interesting that sex, such a hugely significant factor in peoples' lives, is rarely the subject of serious scientific research. Instead, we allow people like popes and Tea Party types and televangelists to tell us how we should behave, even though in our bedrooms we do mostly what we wish.)

Sexual activity involving diapers and "baby things" is not something that anyone can reveal at your average dinner or cocktail party, but that doesn't mean that it's worthy of intervention by a psychiatrist, much less locking someone up because of it. We all find, willy nilly, our own path to sexual fulfillment. If my path doesn't interfere with your path, well, so what?

Fetishes are hard-wired into our patterns of behaviour. They aren't an illness, and thus resist "treatment". The only way that a fetishist can stop engaging in a fetish is to undergo chemical castration, or actual castration, and that just isn't very appealing, to anyone! Fetishists don't engage in fetishes as an act of will, but because of a need. Very often, that need results from stress, and the fetish is a way of "self-medicating" to make the fetishist feel better, just as an alcoholic drinks to make himself feel better or a smoker smokes to make herself feel better. A fetish only becomes a problem if the fetish himself or herself is failing to thrive because of the fetish, or forcibly involves someone else in the fetish activity.

I think that it's terribly important for you to start thinking of your son as a normal person who has sexual interests that are important for him and are meaningless to you. Your only task is to ensure that he is comfortable with his desires, and understands that he must keep them private, revealing them only to people he can trust. For the truth is that in this ultra-conservative, orthodox world of ours, a person with a fetish is a person in danger. There are countries who routinely imprison and even execute people whose sexual needs vary from the publicly stated needs of people in power.

Other

[Rh01]

Hi My other life
I tahnk you very much for that well meant and thought out reply and thank you for taking the time to type it. I agree with all your points and they were very well made. Nothing new to report today will keep you all posted.
Thanks
Rh01

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why this is a problem. Is he doing drugs? Has he ever hurt anyone because of it? Is he a pretty normal, good kid outside of this?

This is a fetish, not a mental illness. He doesn't do or sell drugs, he's not a thief, he hasn't gotten a girl pregnant, he's never battered you, as far as I can tell.

I say count your blessings. Stop making him feel like a freak. Put him in therapy, but committing him? Talk to some parents who have REAL problems with kids so scary they make your son look like a lamb. Stop blaming him for something so harmless.

My son used to save gallon jugs of his own urine under his bed. He was kicked out of school for constantly making threats (murder, arson, etc.) and one day he looked at me and told me how easy it would be to poison me. Not only would I trade places with you, I'd buy him a baby blanket and read Goodnight Moon to him every night. My son is a sociopath and one of the scariest human beings I've ever known and when he disappeared when he was sixteen, I was relieved.

So maybe you should thank God you have your kid and didn't end up with one like mine.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Tea&Sympathy

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why this is a problem. Is he doing drugs? Has he ever hurt anyone because of it? Is he a pretty normal, good kid outside of this?

This is a fetish, not a mental illness. He doesn't do or sell drugs, he's not a thief, he hasn't gotten a girl pregnant, he's never battered you, as far as I can tell.

I say count your blessings. Stop making him feel like a freak. Put him in therapy, but committing him? Talk to some parents who have REAL problems with kids so scary they make your son look like a lamb. Stop blaming him for something so harmless.

My son used to save gallon jugs of his own urine under his bed. He was kicked out of school for constantly making threats (murder, arson, etc.) and one day he looked at me and told me how easy it would be to poison me. Not only would I trade places with you, I'd buy him a baby blanket and read Goodnight Moon to him every night. My son is a sociopath and one of the scariest human beings I've ever known and when he disappeared when he was sixteen, I was relieved.

So maybe you should thank God you have your kid and didn't end up with one like mine.

My sympathies.