how do you know?

Hi. I haven't done much posting here, but I kind of would like some input on an issue that recently came up for me.

I'm 25 years old, and I'm a virgin. I also don't have a lot of experience with physical intimacy. Part of this (at least for the first 20 years or so of my life) is due to my kind of conservative upbringing, and part of it is the fact that I haven't really been in a long term committed relationship, and for me, an emotional connection is important before I get into the physical side of things.

My question arises as the result of a comment that a friend made to me recently. He commented that someone had nice breasts, and I agreed. (this isn't the first time that this has happened) And he said to me "if I didn't know better, I'd wonder if you were bi", and so now I wonder, is being able to say that women are attractive an indication that I might be bisexual? Is it possible to know one's sexuality when one hasn't had sexual relations with either gender? I don't even know what to think on this one, and it's really bothering me.

I think women have the unique ability to see other women as attractive without being bi. question to ask yourself to figure out if you are bi or lesbian would be this: when you look at a woman does she turn you on? do you get sexual feelings looking at her?

just commenting on a nice set of breasts does not make one bi or lesbian in my opinion

Yes! I have this question about myself all the time. I think for me, I'm just able to see the beauty of the female form. But I don' t know. I had an honest to goodness crush on a girl in college, but it never went anywhere. She was a lesbian and she thought I might be bi, but didn't want to be the one that made me decide. So....I don't know that I'll ever know for sure. I haven't had any crushes on girls since, but yeah, there are some that are just gorgeous! I think women just have an easier time admiring the same sex.

No - I do not think just because a woman can see that another woman is sexy or that she has a "nice pair of breast" or a "firm butt" means that she is gay or bi...... I for one can see when another female has been blessed in her creation and I am neither gay nor bi - and I do know what sexy looks like in both a male and a female (heck, who couldn't - we see it every where we look these days).

... and - IMO - I feel some females notice another's females breast (how perky firm and north they are) for we often wish we were still like that after turning 30 or 40 and breast feeding all the kids.
Its All Good....

Rhapsody said basically the same thing I would. I've noticed women's beauty since I was a kid, and certainly, beauty, as society sees it, is pushed upon us all the time. I see many women whom I wish I looked like or as good as. I wish my breasts were firm and round like younger women's usually are. I do have a sexual curiosity about women, but I don't consider myself bi. For me, being gay or bisexual means you have not only a desire for sex with someone, but you could love a person of the same sex. With all due respect to those who "love a person, not their gender," I'm not that way. I need a man for it to be love. I'm by far more sexually attracted to a man than a woman.

I'm not sure that it is a unique ability... I know a number of guys who are able to appreciate the masculine form.

I know I have been attracted to women before...but i am very happy with my boyfriend and would always date a man. I personally am not lesbian or bi but I also recognize a womans beauty. Personally I feel safe to comment about a womans body. I feel like I can be alittle more open about who I think is attractive as a woman since I am pretty scared of men. So I guess for me its compensation..if that at all makes sense...we all have some sort of sexual opinion about everyone else..its our culture...

For me I kissed a girl before a boy. I get turned on by both sexes so I think it's just something you know. If you see a woman with nice breast and think "she has nice breast" it's something you've noticed. But if you think "i want to play with those" or any other sexual thought it's posible your bi. To me it's about what ever makes you happy.

Been isolating .... but had to come out for a minute to comment here.

Has anyone ever thought about the impact that a "male" society has on all? Society is bombarded with how "beautiful" women can be, How "sensual" a woman's body is....... so many commercials, ads and shows that depict pleasure given by a woman-- be it "eye candy", or serving someone, or even more explicit. but..... how many times do you get the "message" from ads and shows/films that men give pleasure?(be it "eye candy, serving someone or more explicit?).......

I think many young people- men AND women are acting on the subliminal(and many not-so subliminal) messages that are being transmitted by a "male" society. After all-- men(in general) don't want to see other men as sexual, or erotic or serving them.....

So I find it no surprise that many women are "attracted" to other women-- they are just going by what they were taught in their "male" society.(IMO)

mandy

I suppose that could be true, however I don't think thats the case for myself. I think I just appreciate beauty. I can't look at someone like Kate Winslett all dressed up for the Oscars and not think, wow she's really beautiful. For centuries, women have been the "softer sex", women adorn themselves with jewels and colors. Women have been like a canvas for an artist, quite literally.....so the beauty of women is more then just about bodies for me. Its the whole package.

However, I must say that I've often wondered if when I find a woman attractive physically, if its more envy on my part. I find myself staring sometimes, but a lot of the times its envying a woman's physique that I don't have, or her hair, or her skin. That comes right down to my own self confidence, which is quite low.

So this has been a neverending question for me. Am I admiring a woman's form because I find it attractive, so does that mean I'm bi? Or am I admiring a woman's form because I'm envious? Or maybe I'm just appreciating beauty?

Ahhh... but that's my point.... who defined what is human beauty?..... who defined what is attractive?.....the male dominant voice of society did--(IMO) from hundreds of years ago... so men AND women follow that...

Who painted those pictures of women years ago? it wasn't other women.

What if from the beginning of time--- we were all told and shown how erotic a mans body is, how the very fine curves of their hips were more sensual than the larger curves of the womans-- thus being more attractive..... (after all women are better at noticing "fine" details than men.... so the very fact that women are found as the more attractive gender, proves to me how the male society has taught women to ignore their ability to focus on fine detail and accept that it's womens beauty that is to be noticed).... would we all then be in the mindset that men depict beauty not women?? it's out of the box thinking.....

I think a woman could be admiring another woman's body for several reasons..... competition-- including envy here, appreciating what the "male" society has deemed as "beauty", and it could be bi-feelings but not necessarily... all this-- IMO of course.

mandy

What came first, the chicken or the egg, lol. I don't know why I find attractive what I find attractive.

We haven't addressed the other part of the original question, the question of "how do you know before you've experienced intimacy"

I think this is a good question. I think before I was ever intimate, I was attracted to men because I'm a woman and thats "the norm" or whatever. But I remember seeing KD Lang performing on tv, and found myself attracted to her. I told my mom. This was before I was ever intimate with anyone. My mom was very understanding, and thats when she explained to me about homosexuality. Luckily, my parents were both accepting of whatever I chose. My first intimate experience was with a guy. I have yet to have a real intimate experience with a woman, so I don't know, because I haven't experienced it.

I think that the reason that women can appreciate other women IS because of the way that the media advertizes things. We are constantly being shown that the way women look is of absolute importance. In fact, i think that when women put make up on, or get dressed up, it is not only for themself, or to appear attractive to men, but it is also for other women as well. We are in constant competetion with each other whether we want to acknowledge it or not. I'm not necessarily saying its a bad thing at all, but I think that it definitely adds to the way that women are able to appreciate how each other looks. Maybe it is an envy thing, or maybe its just the way that our culture works, but in my opinion, it is quite normal for women to take notice of how other women look without there being an underlying message of sexual attractiveness towards them.

So to address the question of how do you know if you are bi or lesbian? It really depends on the person, and how you interpret these feelings. Just because you find another women attractive doesn't necessarily mean your attracted to them.

I am a lesbian and have had relations with both male and female and so this goes for me anyway......

I have had non-sexual "crushes" on other women (even characteristically unattractive ones).....like girl-crushes. Looking upto or admiring another.....like role models. So yea, I think you can even "crush" on a gilr and not be gay or bi....I think straight girls do it too...

Never had a boy crush though.....of any kind

I can look at a female and think....Damn I want to ____ that. And I look at a girl and think, I wish my legs looked like that, or my hair was like that.....and not even have a remotely sexual thought about or attraction to her.

I can (sometimes) see a man and think he's very good looking and genetically blessed, but I never have sexual or tingly feelings inside about him.

For me, before I was sexual or initmate with either sex, I knew, deep down, I got that tingly excited, nervous, chemistry to girls and it was sort of confusing. But, I NEVER got that with boys, so at some level, I knew, even though I was confused. I experimented with men, and needed to push my envelope there for me to know for sure if I could or did feel that "same" way about them. It wasn't altogether horrible, but I wasn't fulfilled in the way I was with a woman, I knew how I felt deep inside.....

Wow...looks like I've started quite a thread.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply to me. It's nice to hear other people say that they can appreciate the beauty of the female body. I'm not sure what to think right now, but you all have given me things to think about. Thank you!

Hi there. Good question!

I think it's very, very common for women to notice and appreciate other women in a "beautiful/admiration sense" with or without being bisexual or anything. I think men do the same more in comparison (women do that too though), but they're not as liking to say it aloud.

I've always been attracted to what I call a "natural beauty" but am not bisexual. It confused me when I was a young woman. Now I realize that I wasn't attracted to that sexually, but I was attracted the that type of beauty. For instance, some are more attracted to a specific art style, etc. I wasn't attracted to the woman but the the type of beauty she showed. Am I making any sense? LOL.

Also, I admire in women and am attracted to that which I've always longed for...pretty hair. But that's getting off track...

I think what you've described is very common, and if it's only that statement that's made you wonder about yourself, I would stop wondering. Your time will come when you and life are ready to meet where you'll more than likely know exactly what it is you're attracted to. However, if this is something you've always wondered about somewhere, you may want to explore yourself more on this.

KD

Hmmm. IMHO, I think it is easier to think along these lines.
If you "Daydream" about anyone or anything in a sexual manner, you can "SUGGEST" that you are attracted to that person be it male or female. Saying that you are attracted to anything "on" a human being has no real response or answer.
Having said that..Why does it matter to anyone what you think or feel about anyone. It is for you and only you to feel anything at all.
Just my 2 cents.

Live free and happy

KM

I think women look at other women and recognize beauty (as the looker sees it) because we often compare ourselves to other women. This is partly natural, and partly because of the media.

I don't think beauty standards are defined only by men, at least not anymore. Women these days are running magazines, too, refusing to ban skinny models in the US, etc. I don't think skinny models should be banned (if it's normal for them--and I think the vast majority of them aren't a healthy weight), but I bring this up to show the attitude that our society has. I think we should see beautiful models of all healthy sizes and shapes, and physical beauty should not come in one size and shape.

As Rayna said, I don't know why I find attractive what I find attractive, but I'm positive media and society have contributed to it.

I believe sexuality is very complicated. I think homosexuality is something you're probably born with, but I'm open to there being more that contributes to it. However, I don't think that because a boy likes to play with girls' dolls (even though we all know G.I. Joe is a doll, too! ), or a girl is a tomboy, they will be gay.

I think one of the most important things is, give yourself time. Don't be in a hurry to define yourself. You don't have to figure it all out at once.

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mandyfins said:
Has anyone ever thought about the impact that a "male" society has on all? Society is bombarded with how "beautiful" women can be, How "sensual" a woman's body is....... so many commercials, ads and shows that depict pleasure given by a woman-- be it "eye candy", or serving someone, or even more explicit. but..... how many times do you get the "message" from ads and shows/films that men give pleasure?(be it "eye candy, serving someone or more explicit?).......

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I was thinking the same thing last night................
for lets face it society has always dictated what SEXY is to the eye of the beholder, for we often see the female body being the object of the word: sexy, hot, sweet, phat (pretty hot and tempting), attractive and lets not forget desired / wanted sexually.
So, why wouldn't both sexes tend to feel the same way toward a drop dead gorgeous female?

We are just doing what society and the media is teaching us to do / to think..... as seen in movies, ads, commercials, magazines, billboards, bikini contest, tv shows, at restaurants and in the public eye.

* * * *

Prime Example: Marilyn Monroe use to be SEXY - for society and the media said so.
.... Men use to like women with a little meat on the bones, now they like to see the bone.
(lol - but you get my point)

* * * *

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Raynaadi said:
.....so the beauty of women is more then just about bodies for me. Its the whole package.

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WOW!! - you quoted my husband word by word.... many years ago - were you a fly on the window in my house that day? -

My boyfriend says, as far as the physical aspects go, men look at a woman's body wholly, meaning they look at how everything is proportioned. There are breast men, and leg men and all that, but I think he's right, that most men look at a woman as a whole package. Rhapsody's husband is more right, in that they not only see a whole package in a body, but in the woman's personality and who she is, herself.

Women, on the other hand, we tend to look at our bodies in parts. "Oh, my nose is too big," "My hips are too big," "My butt's too small," etc. If you look at your whole body, you might find some parts you criticize look pretty darn good for your shape! I need to lose weight for me to feel pretty, I admit, and have some "work" done, but I don't feel as uptight about having a big butt, because lots of men like "junk in the trunk"!

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jacq10 said:
I think that the reason that women can appreciate other women IS because of the way that the media advertizes things. We are constantly being shown that the way women look is of absolute importance.

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One thing to think about in the media is the similarity between men's and women's magazine pictures. Lots of men's magazines are filled with photos of attractive women. And then you pick up a women's magazine and what do you have in it? More pictures of attractive women! Why don't we have more pictures of attractive men? I think that's confusing and leads women to think about women's appearances more than men's.

I agree that you can find another woman attractive without necessarily being bisexual. I think another post on here suggested it might be more telling to think about who you fantasize about being in a relationship with. I think lots of women are beautiful or attractive and yet I'm completely heterosexual. I don't think being able to see that in other women really means anything about your own sexuality. Just my thought on that.

Sidony

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Prime Example: Marilyn Monroe use to be SEXY - for society and the media said so.
.... Men use to like women with a little meat on the bones, now they like to see the bone.

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Actually, most of the guys I know hate to see bones! I'm finally getting comfortable with my curves after my guy friends talking about liking women to have some meat on their bones, and also seeing it on talk shows. Heck, I even find women more attractive who look like they have a donut every now and then. Sure, society likes to plaster the unhealthy looking skinny ones all over the place, but they are making changes.....kicking out models who are too skinny. There's actually two "plus size" models on America's Next Top Model right now. And Tyra Banks has let herself gain about 20 pounds.

It also goes back to natural selection. Women with curves have an easier time with childbirth. So natural selection has them get "picked" by males for childbirth. I have the perfect body for babies, I just don't plan on having any lol.

I guess my point is this -- we shouldn't try to live up to the standards of the media. The media is not the deciding factor in what men and women want. Sex sells, thats why all the women, and men on tv and magazines and super skinny.

I'm getting off topic here.....I know for me, I find curvy women more attractive. And I like my men to have a little bit of a teddy bear feel when I hug them, so it doesn't feel like I'm hugging the skeleton hanging in biology class, lol.

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Raynaadi said:
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And I like my men to have a little bit of a teddy bear feel when I hug them, so it doesn't feel like I'm hugging the skeleton hanging in biology class, lol.

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Amen! I don't like hugging a stick figure either. One of my girlfriends likes for her men to be "heroin thin" (her phrase, not mine), and I think it's the weirdest thing. I like feeling the weight of a man on top of me! (Within reason of course.)

And now I will likewise stop hijacking the thread so it can go back to its original intent....

Sid

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sidony said:
One thing to think about in the media is the similarity between men's and women's magazine pictures. Lots of men's magazines are filled with photos of attractive women. And then you pick up a women's magazine and what do you have in it? More pictures of attractive women! Why don't we have more pictures of attractive men? I think that's confusing and leads women to think about women's appearances more than men's.

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IMO - and that of the people who study human behavior, the media, and what controls us (who ever they are) - we are bombarded with images of SEXY FEMALES more than that of the MALE FIGURE for we are still ran in most part by MEN (movie producers, porn companies, magazine editors, contest hosting, etc), therefore, the desires of the ones in control will be in control the major influence in what we see and connect with / to visually - that which the eye sees as sexual / sexy.
FYI - More females are becoming involved in these decision as each and every passing year, but it is still not enough to change society and or we will see in it.

FYI.... if for the next 50 to 200 years our society / media (all forms of it) showed short chubby brown headed females as SEXY - in time that would be what all people saw as a sex symbol - don't believe me just check out your history of sex and sex symbols. (this changes per society).

Rhapsody -