[janus2014]

Sorry if this post is long!
I have been with my husband for nearly five years; dating for two, married for three. A little background: I never married before, so while we are older we are both new to marriage. One of the things that stood out as a potential problem from the very beginning, was unmatched libidos. I thought that over time it would improve, but not only is my libido normal (meaning that I would be content with sex twice a week, his is very low; he could easily go ten days up to two weeks between sexual encounters. I consider him a very good friend, and we like doing things together, such as taking walks, watching movies, cooking and doing projects around the house. But he always refers to my “high” libido. I pointed out once (humorously) that a starving person might be perceived as having an abnormal interest in food but if fed at regular intervals they would soon view food in a normal context.


But over the years I am really feeling cheated in the bedroom. He also has erectile dysfunction and uses a medication for it but there have even been times that the medication doesn't work. I am convinced that the issue is psychological but he doesn't agree. It puzzles me that one can be so in love and yet have minimal desire to make love? We have talked about it and he says it is to do with getting older. Well, I am getting older too, but still have a healthy libido. I find myself thinking about divorce but I really don't want to do that. It is just getting so frustrating that part of our marriage vows aren't being honored here. I have read articles about ED on line and sent him copies, bought books and even suggested just lying together and touching without the expectation of sex, but he either won't try or insists that there is nothing he can do about it.


Several times he has just left me “hanging” and only offers an apology, as if that helps. I try not to nag or be nasty about it, but I am feeling discouraged about our marriage. This means a lot to me and he seems to think that just because sex doesn't matter that much to him that it is not an issue. We have been to counseling but I soon realized that he was just going along with it to keep the peace but wasn't really applying any of the tools the therapist was giving us.


I think that he is just set in his ways and that this isn't going to improve. I just don't want to end my marriage over the sexual part, and I wind up feeling guilty because I resent that he can't fulfill me in bed but is so wonderful in other ways. I just don't know what to do!

[bluekoi]

janus2014, Would your husband be willing to go to his doctor to talk about his ED and lower libido? Then there is the option of sex therapy if he is willing to see a therapist. Have you told him your true feelings about how you are affected by the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage?

[janus2014]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

janus2014, Would your husband be willing to go to his doctor to talk about his ED and lower libido? Then there is the option of sex therapy if he is willing to see a therapist. Have you told him your true feelings about how you are affected by the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage?

He has tried Viagra, but basically doesn't think he has a problem and attributes it his age, which I don't agree with. He hasn't outright refused to talk to a doctor about it, but doesn't appear in any hurry to do so, either.

[ifst5]

Sex is very important and a perfectly good reason to end a marriage - a part of you isn't being cared for and just because it relates to sex that doesn't make it somehow less important. It also sounds like he's witholding affection - i mean he won't even lie down with you and just caress each other? I would have a serious talk with him - tell him that you don't appreciate being demonized for having a healthy libido (i'm referring to the incident whereby he said yours was too high) and that you're considering moving on as you don't appreciate him not taking the issue seriously. If anything it will put the wind up him. Even if it just gets him to be honest once and for all - there's no problem in not wanting as much sex as your partner but if you're not honest about it and you treat the situation like something that doesn't require a lot of attention and care...that's pretty unfair.

I'm by no means suggesting separation but it sounds like this issue is coming to a head anyway, i hope it paves a path for a more positive solution. You could well work something out but it's going to take as much effort from him as it will you. That's what a marriage is. I really feel for you...i hope things work out for the best.

[janus2014]

Originally Posted by ifst5

Sex is very important and a perfectly good reason to end a marriage - a part of you isn't being cared for and just because it relates to sex that doesn't make it somehow less important. It also sounds like he's witholding affection - i mean he won't even lie down with you and just caress each other? I would have a serious talk with him - tell him that you don't appreciate being demonized for having a healthy libido (i'm referring to the incident whereby he said yours was too high) and that you're considering moving on as you don't appreciate him not taking the issue seriously. If anything it will put the wind up him. Even if it just gets him to be honest once and for all - there's no problem in not wanting as much sex as your partner but if you're not honest about it and you treat the situation like something that doesn't require a lot of attention and care...that's pretty unfair.

I'm by no means suggesting separation but it sounds like this issue is coming to a head anyway, i hope it paves a path for a more positive solution. You could well work something out but it's going to take as much effort from him as it will you. That's what a marriage is. I really feel for you...i hope things work out for the best.

I've thought of saying something about an open marriage, but not sure if I could do that! I take marriage very seriously, and I feel cheated. I told him the other day that he should have told me up front about this problem before we got engaged and married. I also told him the day will come when we are too old to enjoy sex, and we are wasting precious time right now. Thank you for your support!

He needs to see a doctor.

Find lots of articles online about testosterone levels and print them out and leave them where he'll see them (when you're out).

Give him a couple of weeks.

Ask him (seriously) "will you see a doctor for me?" That's a yes or no answer. If it's yes, then YOU call and make the appointment.

If it's no, then you might want to think about a separation. You don't want him to think that you're not serious about this.

It's possible that this is a really simple fix...

I don't know if you have ever heard of Sexual anorexia ? But this sounds like what your having .
If your husband dose not see it as a problem then you got big problems , because this means nothing is going to change and you have to just go without sex .

Marriage is 50/50 and if he's not doing his part then it makes it harder for you and you will feel cheated in your marrige .

You really only have to choices as he isn't willing to change ..
Deal with it or leave him .
But it sounds like you married a friend not a lover and sometimes marring a best friend is not always so great there is no passion .

[Bill3]

I just don't know what to do!

Have you considered seeing a counselor by yourself, to help you think over the situation and figure out what (if anything) to do?

[janus2014]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

I don't know if you have ever heard of Sexual anorexia ? But this sounds like what your having .
If your husband dose not see it as a problem then you got big problems , because this means nothing is going to change and you have to just go without sex .

Marriage is 50/50 and if he's not doing his part then it makes it harder for you and you will feel cheated in your marrige .

You really only have to choices as he isn't willing to change ..
Deal with it or leave him .
But it sounds like you married a friend not a lover and sometimes marring a best friend is not always so great there is no passion .

I looked up intimacy anorexia because I had never heard of it before, and I think you nailed it. I already knew that he had Avoidant issues, but this really and truly explains this particular problem. I guess I had better start re thinking this marriage because I don't see him being willing to change any time soon. And what you said about marrying a best friend; while it is true that we are good friends, I feel a great deal of passion for him but he doesn't seem able to reciprocate. Over the years, I realize that when he talks to other women, he sounds exactly the same as when he talks to me. So I don't think he is capable of intimacy.

[janus2014]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you considered seeing a counselor by yourself, to help you think over the situation and figure out what (if anything) to do?

I've seen two counselors in the past three years, but they seem inclined to be not very helpful. Of course to see a really good marriage therapist is not something we can afford right now. I have been to see a low cost Social Worker, and a volunteer at a crisis clinic.

And you'd be amazed at how both of them seemed to think that I should just masturbate and accept this.

[janus2014]

We just had a long talk. He kept maintaining that he can't help it that he has a low libido. And I said that he was basically not saying anything to make me feel better, just assuring me that this is how it is and always will be. He seemed really depressed and I feel badly because I feel depressed about all this as well. I am tired of being made to feel that I am some kind of unnatural monster because I want to make love with my own husband and not a vibrator.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that he does not seem willing to try. It must be so discouraging for you.

((((janus2014))))

What are you going to do janus ?

[janus2014]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

What are you going to do janus ?

Cry a lot, I guess!

I have an idea that might work ..
Go on strike ...
Stop doing something that he enjoys like cooking , cleaning , anything that he likes that you do for him take it away from him and see what he dose ?
And when he gets upset then say this is how I feel ...

Sometimes a partner needs to feel the sting of your pain to relize how selfish he is being .
The old saying .. Action speaks louder then words !

Don't give up

[twinboar7]

Originally Posted by janus2014

I've seen two counselors in the past three years, but they seem inclined to be not very helpful. Of course to see a really good marriage therapist is not something we can afford right now. I have been to see a low cost Social Worker, and a volunteer at a crisis clinic.

And you'd be amazed at how both of them seemed to think that I should just masturbate and accept this.

That's terrible.

[VelvetRevolver]

Off and on during my marriage, my ex-husband was the same way. He preferred to masturbate rather than initiate sexual intimacy. Most of the time he only wanted me to preform oral on him and that was it. My needs were left unmet, even just being held, comforted, and praised. He blamed it on being afraid he couldn't perform and etc. I think a great deal of it had to do with a boyish immaturity and selfishness. Later on, I found out he was jackin' to online porn to boot.

Needless to say, I kept myself in impeccable shape, but as my career took off he felt intimidated and jealous at times. I finally filed and walked out on his *** and yeah I cheated as I slammed the door on our marriage(don't recommend you go out that way, though.) To this day he admits he was being childish and selfish, but I hated that our marriage and friendship ended on such a bitter note.

[janus2014]

Well, here I am again. I am starting to wonder if something else is going on. He has been saying that he is too tired for sex. How can you say that you love someone, but not feel desire for them? I don't get it. We ended up arguing instead of making love. In desperation I said that I was going to resume an old medication which would effectively kill my libido. He actually looked relieved! I got upset about that, and asked if he really wanted me to kill my libido just so that he wouldn't feel pressure? He said that he had thought it was a good idea because it would make our libidos more equal. Little does he know that if I were to resume that medication, I would lose ALL desire to have sex. I would feel numb and detatched from everything. Maybe he should have married one of the Stepford Wives! I am planning to seek counseling.

[Webgoji]

1. Definitely seek counseling.
2. Is he suffering from depression? Some of what you say he says and does sounds like symptoms of depression.
3. I disagree that marriage is 50/50. I like what Dr. Phil says, it's 100/100. Spouses have to put everything they can into maintaining the relationship. The courting isn't over once you're married, it goes on for the rest of the marriage. You have a need and he needs to put everything he can into filling that need. That might be counseling or medication or both or whatever, but he needs to put in the effort to maintain your relationship.

(And age is just an excuse. I'm 41 and have almost the same libido I had when I was 25.)

[Bill3]

Seeking counseling for you makes sense to me.

I wonder if he would be willing to see a doctor and investigate if there are physical causes. And would he seek counseling for himself, to assess (and treat as needed) his depression?

[IntellectualIdiot]

Originally Posted by Nature1968

I have an idea that might work ..
Go on strike ...
Stop doing something that he enjoys like cooking , cleaning , anything that he likes that you do for him take it away from him and see what he dose ?
And when he gets upset then say this is how I feel ...

Sometimes a partner needs to feel the sting of your pain to relize how selfish he is being .
The old saying .. Action speaks louder then words !

Don't give up

I think you should listen to what this person has to say, take control of your man!

[Mike_J]

I know you said he has tried Viagra, but her might need another "little blue pill" as well. Well they aren't all blue, but the generic Xanax that I take is blue, that has helped me a lot. Anxiety and erections just don't mix, and if he is worried about his performance it would explain so much.