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PaulaS
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Default Jan 11, 2015 at 05:56 PM
  #1
Iīm a 30+ year old woman and Iīm still a virgin. Thereīs nothing physically wrong and Iīve been having sex "by myself" since my teens. So far everything seems normal. I donīt have any religious or other hesitations that prevents me from take this step. I wasnīt sexually traumatized as a child.

I donīt really know how I got into this "situation", I was never interested in looking for a partner in my teens and not in my 20:s either. I thought about my situation being single from time to time but I never took the step to go online dating or so.

Now I sometimes feel unnormal because of this and even if I get aroused when looking at nice intimate sex in a movie for instance I donīt feel the urge to find someone and just have sex. I canīt really see myself in a relationship and I donīt fantasize about other people sexually.

Sometimes Iīve thought about the possibility me being asexual but as I never considered a relationship at all, not a plathonic one either, I think there could be other explanations to this that I donīt really know of.

I donīt want to live by myself for the rest of my life but I though find it hard imagining myself being in a relationship and what it would be like.

Of course I know of dating communities and so on and I canīt say I would be scared of dating but it doesnīt feel natural for some reason. As this is a therapy community Iīm not looking for dating tips.

I would want some reflections on this matter, perhaps thereīs someone else out there who shares this matter with me.

Sometimes this makes me really sad.
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Default Jan 11, 2015 at 06:55 PM
  #2
Hi PaulaS

I read your post and I am sorry that you are questioning your social and sexual life. Sometimes if we haven't found the right person we don't really have the need to just go out and force ourselves to find someone. In other words I didn't get married the first time until I was 31. I wasn't a virgin but I wasn't all that interested in being with someone when I hadn't found anyone I was interested in. I am not so sure that you are abnormal. There is always a chance that it could be a medical problem but I am not feeling that your situation is abnormal in any way. Some people are late bloomers. Some people don't even realize that they were never interested in the same sex until much later in life. These are just examples not meant that you are going through this. Maybe a T could help reassure you that you just aren't ready. I don't know if this helps but I do wish you the very best.
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Default Jan 12, 2015 at 07:54 AM
  #3
There is such a thing as being an aromantic asexual. Which would give you no desire for a sexual or romantic relationship. You say you don't want to be alone forever, but is it because of social expectations or do you really long to be with someone? An aro ace can also have relationships but usually find it hard to do as their relationships would be similar to an intense friendship, which isn't the traditional sense of a relationship.

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Default Jan 13, 2015 at 07:46 PM
  #4
Reading this post was such a relief! I am also a 30+ virgin. My reasons differ, but here I am, coming out of the virgin closet. I've got a mixture of self-hate, trust issues and several other factors that lead me into this situation. (Also it's not a religious thing and I embrace all forms of sexuality.)

However, I experience a great deal of anxiety because of/about it. I worry what people will think if and/or when they find out. It's something I definitely need to address in therapy.

That being said, I'm getting the impression that you shouldn't worry about it too much due to your reasoning. It will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

I'm finding it tough to reflect on this and it also makes me sad. So I'm going to post this and see where this conversation goes...

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Default Jan 14, 2015 at 06:10 AM
  #5
Me too. A number of factors.

1. Shyness
2. Pills have taken libido away
3. No job for a while
4. Medical issues down there
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Default Jan 16, 2015 at 08:21 PM
  #6
Me too.

If I find someone I'm interested in I worry how would he react, but otherwise I don't make myself feel bad about it anymore. I would have regretted making myself do something I was not ready for just to be normal. And sometimes I think it's better to have no sexual history than a really difficult sexual history.
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Default Jan 16, 2015 at 10:36 PM
  #7
In some ways I can relate. The past few years I've chosen not to date or be in a relationship. I receive signals occasionally from members of the opposite sex but I choose not to acknowledge or act on them. I've even gradually made a break with close friends and formerly close family members. There are a few exceptions but very few and even those are kept at a distance. I do have a gf/soulmate and there is a strong bond there, but we are separated by thousands of miles. We've never actually even met and probably never will. There is a deep commitment though although I think she is the one who really keeps the lines of communication open.
I'm not sure I know the reasons this situation has evolved. Maybe I've lost faith in people. Maybe I like keeping myself all to myself. Maybe I've just lost interest for reasons unknown or too complex to fathom. Most of my life I've had an intense social life and relationships but I've always had this line that no one is allowed to cross.
Anyway, while there are distinct differences in us there are similarities if that helps.
If it makes you sad then maybe deep down you do want something different. If so, I hope you're able to resolve this.
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Default Jan 16, 2015 at 10:49 PM
  #8
It sounds like dating just isn't for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being sexual, but not particularly wanting to share that experience with anyone. But then you said that it sometimes makes you sad. Why does it make you sad?

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Default Jan 18, 2015 at 07:03 AM
  #9
I think that you haven't just found a right man!
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Default Jan 27, 2015 at 06:07 PM
  #10
I think there is something wrong when you feel youīre not ready for a relationship and youīd never sought out one when youīre above 30 years of age. Itīs true you canīt force yourself but thereīs always a thought in my head that Iīm not normal. I also really wonder how and why I ended up this way. There are no medical problems to this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sideblinded View Post
Hi PaulaS

I read your post and I am sorry that you are questioning your social and sexual life. Sometimes if we haven't found the right person we don't really have the need to just go out and force ourselves to find someone. In other words I didn't get married the first time until I was 31. I wasn't a virgin but I wasn't all that interested in being with someone when I hadn't found anyone I was interested in. I am not so sure that you are abnormal. There is always a chance that it could be a medical problem but I am not feeling that your situation is abnormal in any way. Some people are late bloomers. Some people don't even realize that they were never interested in the same sex until much later in life. These are just examples not meant that you are going through this. Maybe a T could help reassure you that you just aren't ready. I don't know if this helps but I do wish you the very best.
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Default Jan 27, 2015 at 06:10 PM
  #11
Iīm that distant to this matter that I canīt imagine how a relationship would be. I know I feel alone and unnormal but I donīt by that immediately see a relationship as a solution to my problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NonBinaryHamster View Post
There is such a thing as being an aromantic asexual. Which would give you no desire for a sexual or romantic relationship. You say you don't want to be alone forever, but is it because of social expectations or do you really long to be with someone? An aro ace can also have relationships but usually find it hard to do as their relationships would be similar to an intense friendship, which isn't the traditional sense of a relationship.
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Default Jan 27, 2015 at 06:14 PM
  #12
Nice reading about someone else in a similar situation even as I of course feel for you having to be in this situation as you are. Have you never tried to initiate a relationship? I havenīt myself.

Perhaps I have that lack of trust in people that I subconsiously just donīt even try finding someone. I canīt really see what a partner could give me really but thatīs because of my history, not because I donīt think there are no chance feeling happy within a relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelene View Post
Reading this post was such a relief! I am also a 30+ virgin. My reasons differ, but here I am, coming out of the virgin closet. I've got a mixture of self-hate, trust issues and several other factors that lead me into this situation. (Also it's not a religious thing and I embrace all forms of sexuality.)

However, I experience a great deal of anxiety because of/about it. I worry what people will think if and/or when they find out. It's something I definitely need to address in therapy.

That being said, I'm getting the impression that you shouldn't worry about it too much due to your reasoning. It will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

I'm finding it tough to reflect on this and it also makes me sad. So I'm going to post this and see where this conversation goes...
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Default Jan 27, 2015 at 06:18 PM
  #13
That I miss out on things in life, that makes me sad. That I canīt function as "everyone else" and that my history when it comes to sex and relationships always will be very different from most others. I feel Iīm not capable of living.

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Originally Posted by unicornlady View Post
It sounds like dating just isn't for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being sexual, but not particularly wanting to share that experience with anyone. But then you said that it sometimes makes you sad. Why does it make you sad?
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Default Jan 29, 2015 at 09:52 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by PaulaS View Post
Nice reading about someone else in a similar situation even as I of course feel for you having to be in this situation as you are. Have you never tried to initiate a relationship? I havenīt myself.

Perhaps I have that lack of trust in people that I subconsiously just donīt even try finding someone. I canīt really see what a partner could give me really but thatīs because of my history, not because I donīt think there are no chance feeling happy within a relationship.
Looking back I've had opportunities but didn't take them because in those situations I had just met the guys and, not to be cliche, but I would like it to be with someone special.

I tried having a relationship in my twenties with one guy and it didn't work out. He had mental health issues, too, though, so at the time I chalked it up to that. Some years later, after a mutual friend informed me of some of the things he's into, I realized that I hadn't taken charge physically and that was probably what he wanted. So we never got past kissing. It was confusing.

Now I'm convinced that I'm giving off the vibe that I'm not interested in anyone. That's not the case. But I don't know how to fix it — another issue for therapy, of course.
There are also my mental health obstacles: I rarely leave the house these days, making it difficult to meet new people, among other things.

The Internet seems like my best option but I have trouble making friends, let alone possible partners. It's frustrating because I would very much like to have someone to share life with. I just don't know how to do it.

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Default Feb 07, 2015 at 03:32 PM
  #15
You are not alone. I haven't been with anyone either and I am a lot older than you. I always thought I would get married and have 8 kids but due to circumstances that didn't happen. A lot of mine has to do with fear of intimacy, self esteem, sexual abuse, etc. I have been in therapy for years working on this and really don't know how to fix this. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
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Default Feb 08, 2015 at 02:47 PM
  #16
I actually wish I felt the way you do. I'm in a situation where very few women are going to want me. If only I could just give up the hope!
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Default Feb 11, 2015 at 07:15 PM
  #17
I appreciate your comment and that you share your story. I of course feel for you. What did you get out of therapy on this matter? Have the T tried to get you to seek contacts with men or so? I personally think a possible way to "solve" this problem is to dare to seek contacts, to go on dates and just try it.

Then, Iīm not there myself but unfortunately this thing canīt be solved within the therapy room and therefore itīs also much harder to really come to a solution to the problem. I mean, talking about a difficult childhood, being able to cry about stuff, to be angry and so on, all that you can deal with in the therapy room.

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You are not alone. I haven't been with anyone either and I am a lot older than you. I always thought I would get married and have 8 kids but due to circumstances that didn't happen. A lot of mine has to do with fear of intimacy, self esteem, sexual abuse, etc. I have been in therapy for years working on this and really don't know how to fix this. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
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Default Feb 12, 2015 at 06:03 PM
  #18
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Looking back I've had opportunities but didn't take them because in those situations I had just met the guys and, not to be cliche, but I would like it to be with someone special.
I feel like this too. I'm also not attracted to a large amount of guys.

Being a virgin has been part of my identity for so long it is kinda scary for me to think how I would view myself without it.... that probably sounds crazy.

And I'm also afraid that if I lost it for the sole purpose of losing it, I would then find a man that would have been worth the wait but me sleeping around would end up being a deal breaker for him. What is that; magical thinking, superstition or lingering puritanism.
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Default Feb 12, 2015 at 06:06 PM
  #19
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The Internet seems like my best option but I have trouble making friends, let alone possible partners. It's frustrating because I would very much like to have someone to share life with. I just don't know how to do it.
Me too...
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Default Feb 12, 2015 at 08:43 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenMoss View Post
I feel like this too. I'm also not attracted to a large amount of guys.

Being a virgin has been part of my identity for so long it is kinda scary for me to think how I would view myself without it.... that probably sounds crazy.

And I'm also afraid that if I lost it for the sole purpose of losing it, I would then find a man that would have been worth the wait but me sleeping around would end up being a deal breaker for him. What is that; magical thinking, superstition or lingering puritanism.
That does not sound crazy in the slightest. I'm 22, and have struggled with sexuality my whole life. Namely, I've struggled with my Sexual Anorexia. That means that I'm still a virgin, and if I have any say in the matter, it's going to stay that way!
My issues with sex were causing me to have a lot of strife in my life. I attended sex therapy session for a few months, which helped. I learned to open myself up a bit more and not be so afraid of my own desires. At the exact same time, I had the first opportunity in my life to safely experiment sexually with someone.
I tried some...things, but never actually had sex, so, still a virgin thankfully.
I'm happy I put myself out there and tried something new. But what I came to learn is this;
My Sexual Anorexia is part of who I am. So too, then, is my compulsion to remain a virgin. It's been a part of my identity for so long that has become a core part of me. I don't know who I'd be without it. And you know what? I don't want to know, and I'm fine with that.

So, different modes of thought (I actually WANT to stay a virgin lol) but it's absolutely understandable for your virginity to be a part of your identity. Trust me, you're not crazy.
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