[PaulaS]

I´m a 30+ year old woman and I´m still a virgin. There´s nothing physically wrong and I´ve been having sex "by myself" since my teens. So far everything seems normal. I don´t have any religious or other hesitations that prevents me from take this step. I wasn´t sexually traumatized as a child.

I don´t really know how I got into this "situation", I was never interested in looking for a partner in my teens and not in my 20:s either. I thought about my situation being single from time to time but I never took the step to go online dating or so.

Now I sometimes feel unnormal because of this and even if I get aroused when looking at nice intimate sex in a movie for instance I don´t feel the urge to find someone and just have sex. I can´t really see myself in a relationship and I don´t fantasize about other people sexually.

Sometimes I´ve thought about the possibility me being asexual but as I never considered a relationship at all, not a plathonic one either, I think there could be other explanations to this that I don´t really know of.

I don´t want to live by myself for the rest of my life but I though find it hard imagining myself being in a relationship and what it would be like.

Of course I know of dating communities and so on and I can´t say I would be scared of dating but it doesn´t feel natural for some reason. As this is a therapy community I´m not looking for dating tips.

I would want some reflections on this matter, perhaps there´s someone else out there who shares this matter with me.

Sometimes this makes me really sad.

[sideblinded]

Hi PaulaS

I read your post and I am sorry that you are questioning your social and sexual life. Sometimes if we haven't found the right person we don't really have the need to just go out and force ourselves to find someone. In other words I didn't get married the first time until I was 31. I wasn't a virgin but I wasn't all that interested in being with someone when I hadn't found anyone I was interested in. I am not so sure that you are abnormal. There is always a chance that it could be a medical problem but I am not feeling that your situation is abnormal in any way. Some people are late bloomers. Some people don't even realize that they were never interested in the same sex until much later in life. These are just examples not meant that you are going through this. Maybe a T could help reassure you that you just aren't ready. I don't know if this helps but I do wish you the very best.

[NonBinaryHamster]

There is such a thing as being an aromantic asexual. Which would give you no desire for a sexual or romantic relationship. You say you don't want to be alone forever, but is it because of social expectations or do you really long to be with someone? An aro ace can also have relationships but usually find it hard to do as their relationships would be similar to an intense friendship, which isn't the traditional sense of a relationship.

[angelene]

Reading this post was such a relief! I am also a 30+ virgin. My reasons differ, but here I am, coming out of the virgin closet. I've got a mixture of self-hate, trust issues and several other factors that lead me into this situation. (Also it's not a religious thing and I embrace all forms of sexuality.)

However, I experience a great deal of anxiety because of/about it. I worry what people will think if and/or when they find out. It's something I definitely need to address in therapy.

That being said, I'm getting the impression that you shouldn't worry about it too much due to your reasoning. It will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

I'm finding it tough to reflect on this and it also makes me sad. So I'm going to post this and see where this conversation goes...

Me too. A number of factors.

1. Shyness
2. Pills have taken libido away
3. No job for a while
4. Medical issues down there

Me too.

If I find someone I'm interested in I worry how would he react, but otherwise I don't make myself feel bad about it anymore. I would have regretted making myself do something I was not ready for just to be normal. And sometimes I think it's better to have no sexual history than a really difficult sexual history.

In some ways I can relate. The past few years I've chosen not to date or be in a relationship. I receive signals occasionally from members of the opposite sex but I choose not to acknowledge or act on them. I've even gradually made a break with close friends and formerly close family members. There are a few exceptions but very few and even those are kept at a distance. I do have a gf/soulmate and there is a strong bond there, but we are separated by thousands of miles. We've never actually even met and probably never will. There is a deep commitment though although I think she is the one who really keeps the lines of communication open.
I'm not sure I know the reasons this situation has evolved. Maybe I've lost faith in people. Maybe I like keeping myself all to myself. Maybe I've just lost interest for reasons unknown or too complex to fathom. Most of my life I've had an intense social life and relationships but I've always had this line that no one is allowed to cross.
Anyway, while there are distinct differences in us there are similarities if that helps.
If it makes you sad then maybe deep down you do want something different. If so, I hope you're able to resolve this.

[unicornlady]

It sounds like dating just isn't for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being sexual, but not particularly wanting to share that experience with anyone. But then you said that it sometimes makes you sad. Why does it make you sad?

[Jess1319]

I think that you haven't just found a right man!

[PaulaS]

I think there is something wrong when you feel you´re not ready for a relationship and you´d never sought out one when you´re above 30 years of age. It´s true you can´t force yourself but there´s always a thought in my head that I´m not normal. I also really wonder how and why I ended up this way. There are no medical problems to this.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

Hi PaulaS

I read your post and I am sorry that you are questioning your social and sexual life. Sometimes if we haven't found the right person we don't really have the need to just go out and force ourselves to find someone. In other words I didn't get married the first time until I was 31. I wasn't a virgin but I wasn't all that interested in being with someone when I hadn't found anyone I was interested in. I am not so sure that you are abnormal. There is always a chance that it could be a medical problem but I am not feeling that your situation is abnormal in any way. Some people are late bloomers. Some people don't even realize that they were never interested in the same sex until much later in life. These are just examples not meant that you are going through this. Maybe a T could help reassure you that you just aren't ready. I don't know if this helps but I do wish you the very best.

[PaulaS]

I´m that distant to this matter that I can´t imagine how a relationship would be. I know I feel alone and unnormal but I don´t by that immediately see a relationship as a solution to my problems.

Originally Posted by NonBinaryHamster

There is such a thing as being an aromantic asexual. Which would give you no desire for a sexual or romantic relationship. You say you don't want to be alone forever, but is it because of social expectations or do you really long to be with someone? An aro ace can also have relationships but usually find it hard to do as their relationships would be similar to an intense friendship, which isn't the traditional sense of a relationship.

[PaulaS]

Nice reading about someone else in a similar situation even as I of course feel for you having to be in this situation as you are. Have you never tried to initiate a relationship? I haven´t myself.

Perhaps I have that lack of trust in people that I subconsiously just don´t even try finding someone. I can´t really see what a partner could give me really but that´s because of my history, not because I don´t think there are no chance feeling happy within a relationship.

Originally Posted by angelene

Reading this post was such a relief! I am also a 30+ virgin. My reasons differ, but here I am, coming out of the virgin closet. I've got a mixture of self-hate, trust issues and several other factors that lead me into this situation. (Also it's not a religious thing and I embrace all forms of sexuality.)

However, I experience a great deal of anxiety because of/about it. I worry what people will think if and/or when they find out. It's something I definitely need to address in therapy.

That being said, I'm getting the impression that you shouldn't worry about it too much due to your reasoning. It will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

I'm finding it tough to reflect on this and it also makes me sad. So I'm going to post this and see where this conversation goes...

[PaulaS]

That I miss out on things in life, that makes me sad. That I can´t function as "everyone else" and that my history when it comes to sex and relationships always will be very different from most others. I feel I´m not capable of living.

Originally Posted by unicornlady

It sounds like dating just isn't for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being sexual, but not particularly wanting to share that experience with anyone. But then you said that it sometimes makes you sad. Why does it make you sad?

[angelene]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Nice reading about someone else in a similar situation even as I of course feel for you having to be in this situation as you are. Have you never tried to initiate a relationship? I haven´t myself.

Perhaps I have that lack of trust in people that I subconsiously just don´t even try finding someone. I can´t really see what a partner could give me really but that´s because of my history, not because I don´t think there are no chance feeling happy within a relationship.

Looking back I've had opportunities but didn't take them because in those situations I had just met the guys and, not to be cliche, but I would like it to be with someone special.

I tried having a relationship in my twenties with one guy and it didn't work out. He had mental health issues, too, though, so at the time I chalked it up to that. Some years later, after a mutual friend informed me of some of the things he's into, I realized that I hadn't taken charge physically and that was probably what he wanted. So we never got past kissing. It was confusing.

Now I'm convinced that I'm giving off the vibe that I'm not interested in anyone. That's not the case. But I don't know how to fix it — another issue for therapy, of course.
There are also my mental health obstacles: I rarely leave the house these days, making it difficult to meet new people, among other things.

The Internet seems like my best option but I have trouble making friends, let alone possible partners. It's frustrating because I would very much like to have someone to share life with. I just don't know how to do it.

[bounceback]

You are not alone. I haven't been with anyone either and I am a lot older than you. I always thought I would get married and have 8 kids but due to circumstances that didn't happen. A lot of mine has to do with fear of intimacy, self esteem, sexual abuse, etc. I have been in therapy for years working on this and really don't know how to fix this. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

[db1973]

I actually wish I felt the way you do. I'm in a situation where very few women are going to want me. If only I could just give up the hope!

[PaulaS]

I appreciate your comment and that you share your story. I of course feel for you. What did you get out of therapy on this matter? Have the T tried to get you to seek contacts with men or so? I personally think a possible way to "solve" this problem is to dare to seek contacts, to go on dates and just try it.

Then, I´m not there myself but unfortunately this thing can´t be solved within the therapy room and therefore it´s also much harder to really come to a solution to the problem. I mean, talking about a difficult childhood, being able to cry about stuff, to be angry and so on, all that you can deal with in the therapy room.

Originally Posted by bounceback

You are not alone. I haven't been with anyone either and I am a lot older than you. I always thought I would get married and have 8 kids but due to circumstances that didn't happen. A lot of mine has to do with fear of intimacy, self esteem, sexual abuse, etc. I have been in therapy for years working on this and really don't know how to fix this. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

Originally Posted by angelene

Looking back I've had opportunities but didn't take them because in those situations I had just met the guys and, not to be cliche, but I would like it to be with someone special.

I feel like this too. I'm also not attracted to a large amount of guys.

Being a virgin has been part of my identity for so long it is kinda scary for me to think how I would view myself without it.... that probably sounds crazy.

And I'm also afraid that if I lost it for the sole purpose of losing it, I would then find a man that would have been worth the wait but me sleeping around would end up being a deal breaker for him. What is that; magical thinking, superstition or lingering puritanism.

Originally Posted by angelene

The Internet seems like my best option but I have trouble making friends, let alone possible partners. It's frustrating because I would very much like to have someone to share life with. I just don't know how to do it.

Me too...

[AppalachianAxis]

Originally Posted by GreenMoss

I feel like this too. I'm also not attracted to a large amount of guys.

Being a virgin has been part of my identity for so long it is kinda scary for me to think how I would view myself without it.... that probably sounds crazy.

And I'm also afraid that if I lost it for the sole purpose of losing it, I would then find a man that would have been worth the wait but me sleeping around would end up being a deal breaker for him. What is that; magical thinking, superstition or lingering puritanism.

That does not sound crazy in the slightest. I'm 22, and have struggled with sexuality my whole life. Namely, I've struggled with my Sexual Anorexia. That means that I'm still a virgin, and if I have any say in the matter, it's going to stay that way!
My issues with sex were causing me to have a lot of strife in my life. I attended sex therapy session for a few months, which helped. I learned to open myself up a bit more and not be so afraid of my own desires. At the exact same time, I had the first opportunity in my life to safely experiment sexually with someone.
I tried some...things, but never actually had sex, so, still a virgin thankfully.
I'm happy I put myself out there and tried something new. But what I came to learn is this;
My Sexual Anorexia is part of who I am. So too, then, is my compulsion to remain a virgin. It's been a part of my identity for so long that has become a core part of me. I don't know who I'd be without it. And you know what? I don't want to know, and I'm fine with that.

So, different modes of thought (I actually WANT to stay a virgin lol) but it's absolutely understandable for your virginity to be a part of your identity. Trust me, you're not crazy.

How do you deal with feeling unwanted? That's what gets me; this idea that I am a reject.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

How do you deal with feeling unwanted? That's what gets me; this idea that I am a reject.

I feel this way a lot too. I try and find shelter in music or some other artform.... there is a lot of self-described reject artists that I just happen to find lovable.

[Koko2]

I'm not a virgin but have had only a few short relationships but come across as a virgin since I'm seldom in a relationship and don't really have any sex life to brag about. The one thing I really loathe is coworkers always talk about sex and establish a pecking order based on sexual prowess, experience and orientation. If you don't talk about sex, word spreads quickly through the grapevine, and no one wants to be stuck alone with you in the office since that's about all they talk about, so they leave you in the trenches instead of promoting you to jobs with more social interaction. I think it even factors in the hiring process for small businesses. They want to know if you're married with children, aka "normal". This may be more of an issue for men though. I've worked for many companies and this is true for a majority of them, especially after you've reached age 30.

Ugh! I could not stand it. It sounds messed up. I hope it is not prevalent. Awfully unprofessional... I'm glad I'm not a guy.

[Douglas MacNeill]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I´m a 30+ year old woman and I´m still a virgin. There´s nothing physically wrong and I´ve been having sex "by myself" since my teens. So far everything seems normal. I don´t have any religious or other hesitations that prevents me from take this step. I wasn´t sexually traumatized as a child.

I don´t really know how I got into this "situation", I was never interested in looking for a partner in my teens and not in my 20:s either. I thought about my situation being single from time to time but I never took the step to go online dating or so.

Now I sometimes feel unnormal because of this and even if I get aroused when looking at nice intimate sex in a movie for instance I don´t feel the urge to find someone and just have sex. I can´t really see myself in a relationship and I don´t fantasize about other people sexually.

Sometimes I´ve thought about the possibility me being asexual but as I never considered a relationship at all, not a plathonic one either, I think there could be other explanations to this that I don´t really know of.

I don´t want to live by myself for the rest of my life but I though find it hard imagining myself being in a relationship and what it would be like.

Of course I know of dating communities and so on and I can´t say I would be scared of dating but it doesn´t feel natural for some reason. As this is a therapy community I´m not looking for dating tips.

I would want some reflections on this matter, perhaps there´s someone else out there who shares this matter with me.

Sometimes this makes me really sad.

PaulaS, I wonder what you would say to a male, 30+, who
happens to be a virgin. What judgments, or lack of the same,
would you make about him?

For one thing, looking at your experience from a different direction
just may encourage you to examine some of your beliefs about
how romance, sexuality, and so on are "supposed" to be.

For another, there may be men on this forum who...haven't
found the right one yet? ...aren't interested in the local dating
scene? ...have gotten by on fantasy and self-pleasuring?
Who knows?