Sexual issues

I hope this is the right place to post this.

I have big sexual issues. I have PTSD along with BPD. That's because I was sexually abused half a life ago and have had a hard time ever since. I've always enjoyed sex and was always happy to make love. My bf says I sometimes seem to want to eat him and like I can't stop, like I can't have enough of sex. This is true.

But I've had big issues since I had EMDR around a year ago. I think the T wasn't very experienced, although she was certified. I had EMDR for the sexual abuse. I ended up having a real bad image of my childhood (I don't think I have been abused during childhood, though), but she didn't want to work on that, saying it was not very important.

I've had flashbacks ever since. I used to sometimes zone out with my previous boyfriends, but it happened only seldom.

About a month ago my boyfriend and I had oral sex, and I really liked it but the next day I started feeling disgusting. We've only had sex once since, once in a month, it's a record for me, I mean I really love having sex, despite of all my issues. I just feel like sex is disgusting, I only want for him to hold me and nothing else. I also wash compulsively, feeling like I am disgusting. It's like I don't want to have sex anymore, ever, and I also said this to my bf. I think he was very hurt, but tried his best not to show it.

Do you have any advice? I would really appreciate it.

[I should perhaps mention that my abuse was oral. My bf says it could have been worse, which is obviously true, but it hurts when he tells me that.]

First of all, you are not disgusting. and your boyfriend has no right saying that to you. Everyones experiences and lives could be worse. For instance, having one hand become paralyzed isn't as bad as having both hands become paralyzed, but both instances are horrible and are going to change your life, and it's something to be overcome in both situations.

Oral sex definitely seems to be a trigger for you. Did he ask for it or did you offer? Perhaps it would help you to avoid triggers until you have healed more.

Thanks for your reply, Finniky, I really appreciate it.

I should clarify that my bf never ever told me I was disgusting, otherwise I would have killed him right away. Perhaps it was unclear from what I wrote. It's me who feels disgusting.

Yeah, oral sex is definitely a trigger for me at the moment, but I am really dumbfounded because it's never been that way my whole life. It's very weird. Well, I didn't ask for it and he didn't offer it, he just did it, assuming I would have liked it - which is actually not so weird because at other times I had basically begged him to do it to me.

I guess you're right, I should avoid it until I'm healed more.

However, yesterday we managed some making out and it was good, although at first I was really scared.

Oh whoops haha I meant he shouldn't have just told you "It could've been worse" and the like. I am the one who miscommunicated.

Is emdr that eye movement therapy? I know very little about it but it sounds from what I know it would seem it can be done wrong. D:

My prayers are with you

No worries, just a little misunderstanding

Yes, EMDR is the eye movement therapy. I've always heard good things and even wonders about it, but I think, as you say, it can be done wrong if the therapist is not very experienced. In my case I'm pretty sure there was some big mistake in the process.

Thanks for being there

Different Ts have different approaches and styles. Some trauma therapists don't think hashing up past memories is healthy or productive especially if the trauma is far removed from the present and your more immediate needs are to learn to cope and tolerate present day triggers. Some believe the opposite, that it is nescary to uncover and relive the original trauma until the patient is able to move past it. IMO, the mark of a truly good trauma or any therapist is to take cue from their patient. Listen to both the patients thoughts on their present issues and concerns of underlying issues. If a patient says they would like to or feel the need to explore their past.. "that's not important" is a terrible insulting and most belittling statement ever! Complete invalidation!! Unacceptable! Give that T a terrible review on healthgrades.com and while your there look to see if their are any trauma specialist in area/ network who have positive reviews. I'm certain your bf really did not mean to be insensitive or hurtful with his statement. Not all people know what to say, just want to try to make their loved ones feel better.... I would believe that by minimalizing your trauma he was truly trying to make a whole hearted albeit poorly thought out attempt to say it's ok. I love you no less and now that I know this is an issue for you, we don't have to go there again unless you decide you want to. Most guys say stupid things that in their minds are the concise way of saying something along the lines of the above statement. boys. Hope you are able to find a good T. Wishing you all the best in your road to recovery.

Thanks, Lost in the Woods. I agree, I don't think my bf really wanted to be insulting, I think he was just trying to say something comforting to me, although the result turned out to be very bad. Especially because I still have a hard time calling it "abuse", after many years of therapy.

The therapist I'm talking about wasn't that bad, I think she just was an inexperienced EMDR practitioner. Otherwise she was actually quite good, though not exceptional. Normally she did MBCT - Mindfulness Base Cognitive Therapy. She was quite good at that.

I hope things get back to normal soon. Thanks for reading.

It may have hurt and was a bad thing to say but I don't think he meant to offend you. It was probably the only thing that could come to his head.

Maybe you can start back slower and take things at a pace that you feel comfortable with.

Thanks Adam. I am sure he didn't mean to offend me, he's very loving and supportive.

I think I'll simply need to go slower, as you say.