[withit]

How about a man who wants his wife to participate in some s&m activities, such as he wants her to spank him, etc.
And the wife is not willing to participate. If she was to participate it would be solely bet. her husband and herself.
Husband says he has this pressing need for s&m stuff, he can't understand why his wife is not willing to experiment, yet she abhors these kinds of activites.
Husband says he has this pressing need and if she is unwilling to give it to him he may have to seek it elsewhere. Wife feels bad that she can't give it to him, yet she doesn't want to say it's ok for him to go elsewhere for it.
What's your take on this? BTW, they are married with young children, divorce is not on anyone's mind.

[Raynaadi]

There are certain things I just won't do in the bedroom either. If a man were to tell me he needed these things from me and if I didn't give it, he'd go somewhere else, I'd be really hurt. If I couldn't leave the relationship like you said, divorce is not on anyone's mind, I'd make us go to couple's therapy or something. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in that situation.......

he should offer her a "trade" and offer to do something sexual she wants to do but has been to "reserved" to ask him to do, in exchange for what he wants, if that dont work there is always couples councilling.

[tranquility]

There are some things that people just don't want to do. If you have an acceptable sex life beyond that request then I would say the man has to accept the fact that his wife doesn't want to do it.

Is it really that important that he would be willing to throw away his marriage and family??

[seeker1950]

I agree with Tranquility...
what about love?
Patty

i can't imagine a man saying that if his wife wouldn't do what she can't do that he will go elswhere......not much of a man.

[Rhapsody]

I personally feel any thing is allowed to take place in the "marriage bed" as long as BOTH partners are in agreement - if one does not feel comfortable with it then it should NOT be done.

* * * * * *

AND...

I personally feel any partner that will go else were when the other partner is not comfortable with a certain sex act is a HEAL and should be SHOT - drag him/her to the curb, throw out the trash.

P.S.
Hubby says when you have them at the curb - give him/her a face stomp.

[bebop]

sorry but I wouldn't do that either if I didn't want to. and if my husband asked and I said no then if he went out and found someone that would do it I would leave.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
sorry but I wouldn't do that either if I didn't want to.

and... if he went out and found someone that would do it I would leave.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="blue"> AMEN!!! - there SISTER. </font>

... my husband and I have a very open and experimental sex life with each other, but our rule of thumb is - IF one of us is not comfortable or does not want to continue on with the act after they try it one time - then it is off the acceptable list - no longer open for discussion.

[Maven]

I agree...you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with, and you shouldn't expect your partner to, either. And going outside the relationship to get that thing you want is not okay. If it's that important to you, don't be in the relationship in the first place.

i think he needs to find out more about why she doesnt want to go there..
she needs to feel comfy in telling him that too
knowledge is understanding

hmmm...this is easy to jump to a negative conclusion but let's assume two things:
1)this is a compulsion of the husband, not just a whim. we all know how difficult compulsions are to ignore ....they don't go away by wishing them away either. perhaps with some limits established a compromise could be worked out.
2)the request does not sound too imposing or disgusting, as some implied. it could easily be worked into a little routine without any undue consequences, and perhaps save a marriage.
(with two kids)....is this really so insurmountable?
i like mellors suggestion of a tradeoff of sorts also.
it doesn't sound like the wife will even try to accommodate him.

[Gemstone]

I know if my husband asked me to do something like this I wouldn't be able to do it. It would be too triggering due to past abuses. I would hope that he would be understanding about the situation and we could move on to find something else that satisfies both of us.

I think that you should try couples therapy to save your marriage. The fact that he said he may have to find what he needs somewhere else is very distressing. I think it may help to work on your relationship, and get to the root of these issues.

[withit]

This does not apply to my situation. I asked the question because a woman mentioned this to me; she is in this situation wherein her hubby wants her to spank him and she can't get herself to do it. She is a most gentle soul. Never ever yells at her kids. Never hits them. Very loving caring woman. He pleases her in bed, and she would love to please him by granting him his request, but she can't get herself to do it. And is offended when he says he'll go to some parlor where he can have the thrill of someone spanking him. And tying him up.