First Post

I am a female and have had confusion about my sexuality for most of my life. I know that I am physically attracted to men because I will check them out. I have definitely felt an attraction to their physicality. I have never physically checked out women. However, I have only ever had crushes on women. It seems to be on an emotional level, if that makes sense. I have never given myself the chance to get to know any man to the point that I develop any real feelings for him. In fact, I have always been in tune to being asked out. I almost always know when it is about to happen. I think I only ever got caught off guard once. Upon being asked out, I run the other direction and cut the person off.
Another part of the issue is my not being comfortable with being female. I have never liked that I was a female. Some of it has to do with the roles women play. Some of it has to do with seeing women as weak. Some of it has to do with the crushes that I have on other women. As you can imagine, this has always been very confusing for me. Can anyone relate? Thank you!

Hello moodswings70: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't really think there is much I can offer with regard to your concerns, I'm afraid. I'm an older person now. And perspectives with regard to gender identity & sexual orientation have evolved so much since I was young that I don't really feel as though much of anything I would say would likely be relevant. Still... I will tell you that gender identity disorder has been a major part of my mental health issues farther back into my childhood than I can even remember. So while I probably don't have much to offer in terms of suggestions, I can certainly attest to the confusion gender identity & sexual orientation issues can cause in a person's life.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Dear Moodswings70, I have felt extremely emotionally close to some of my gfs during my youth. I think it would develop because we thought about things the same way, faced the same challenges and shared many of the same dreams. Sometimes we had the best conversations. There were opportunities for erotic things to happen but we never went there.
What I have always found attractive about men is that many seem to think very differently than I do. They are less moody (noticed your username), especially when they are younger. I like them physically like you do. Holding their strong, firm larger hands. Stretching my arms to wrap them all the way around their broad chests. And men have a way of making me feel safe in a way that no woman has ever been able to do.
You sound like you may simply be young and overthinking things. I hope you have some more experiences (hopefully, some of it will be fun) that will help you figure things out.
Sincerely, Myst

Thank you, Skeezyks, for the response and for your welcome!

I am not sure what I am looking for by posting out here. Honestly, my therapist wanted me to get involved in a forum such as this as a support method. I understand why she wants that for me. I just don't know how I am to resolve what I go through. I am not a very young person myself. I am not very old either. I think I've worried so much about these issues throughout my life that eventually I started to tell myself that it is just one part of my life and that I should focus on other things. By doing that, I stopped thinking and worrying about it as much. On the other hand, though, I never resolved anything or sorted it out either. And, of course, once you get into therapy, you know it comes up.

Anyway, thank you again for your reply and for the introduction to PsychCentral. Hope you are doing well!

Thank you for your reply, Mysterious!

I know what you mean about liking that men think differently. I think on one level I like that, but on another level, I am jealous of it too. I also hate feeling like the weaker sex physically. I think it bothers me. I often wonder if it is a pride thing. As a result, I refuse to get involved. I think that sounds pretty messed up.

As for my emotional closeness to gfs, it isn't with all women and it isn't physical. It's starts as some feeling that I get (usually with one particular person) and then fixate on. Then, I begin to play out stories in my mind of what it would be like to be their boyfriend. Much of that seems to be about having a connection in which I get to care for that person.

Believe it or not, I am not that young in age. I am approaching middle age. While I worried and worried about these issues most of my life, I was always too afraid to really talk about them. I would have periods of crisis in which I would have a meltdown about it. Then, I'd have to distract myself from it all to get myself together and move forward. Eventually, I put it to rest by telling myself that it was only one part of life and that because I was getting older it didn't matter much anymore. I've been in that mindset for awhile. In a way, it's been good because I think it has helped to lessen my fear of it all and allowed me to talk more about it. On the other hand, I've put off really dealing with it or resolving anything.

So, thanks again for your reply! Take Care!

Moodswings70,
Since you are still really concerned and you are older than I assumed. I think I will talk a little less generally in case it helps.
I do understand about still worrying about this. I get anxious about lots of things. The only reason I don't worry about this is I'm married and attracted to my H. The fact that I always have and always plan to keep my vows makes it a mute point for me to worry about this particular thing.
I have felt sexual attraction for some of my gfs but never acted upon it. Because of my Christian upbringing it just seemed like a step to far. (Perhaps this is one of the things that causes you to feel a sense of crisis about this?) That being said, I am truly happy for people who are able to find love, gay or straight, whether they are at work or in my family. But times have changed, so this is a great time to talk about these things and of course it's nothing to feel bad about. I think our sexual urges just are what they are and are a part of what it is to be human. So I hope this extra information makes you feel less alone. And that you can move it all forward in this regard.

PS If you ever have the opportunity, letting go of these two things leads to very hot sex. It's about being unafraid (a deeply trusting moment) to express emotion and gratitude plus being willing to do things for someone just for them and not you. I guess that is how I define my sexuality.

Um...ok...thanks, good to know!