Different views on sex: dating vs married

Ok, so here's my background for reference:
I'm in my mid-late 30's, on my 2nd marriage, 2 kids pre current marriage, 1 step child through the current marriage. Very happy with my husband, we are eachothers soul mates etc.

My dilemma:
After my 1st very short marriage dissolved (exploded, whatever), and before my current marriage (roughly 10 years), I had dated and dated and dated, finally resolved that all this romantic stuff everyone talks about is bs, no one ever finds "the one", soul mate, etc, and had resolved to just enjoy my life of being forever single, do whatever made me feel good (sexually/romantically). My now husband had also resolved the same thing. So we were both pretty much just out doing whatever and whoever we wanted, not allowing ourselves to get all attached because it's useless and pointless since everyone always cheats or dumps us or goes back to their ex for whatever reason, we were always being dumped on. Fast forward, we met eachother and OMG, all those resolutions of disbelief were shattered, for both of us, at the same time. We get married, YAY!
Marriage doesn't change him, who he is, how he acts, his sex drive or sexual wants and needs. Me however, somewhere in the mix of all that my brain made a clear divide between what I did while dating (even dating my hubs pre-marriage) and what is acceptable sexually now as a married woman. This includes the frequency, sexual acts, flirtatious acts and touches, all of it. The only way I've been able to make sense of it to myself is: knowing that my personal thoughts about myself, my self image, while single/dating was that I was slutty or whorish, that there's a part of my mind that believe that those acts/frequency etc are "not what married women do". Don't ask me where I got the idea in my head that a married woman does not give her husband a blow job, cus I don't know either. This mental divide of what is and isn't acceptable in bed with my husband as a married woman is causing us some serious issues and arguments. I feel pretty horrible, and at times feel like I'm a bad wife. I know my self-made ideals of marriage and sex are illogical, I know this. I know that every person is different, and every marriage is different, thus whatever he and I are both comfortable with is what is important. I am not comfortable with myself thinking and acting the way I do. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I've thought that maybe I should sort of push forward with some of these things that I normally did/acted while I was single, in a fake-it-til-you-make-it way of reprograming my thoughts on the whole thing. I'd really like to hear back though about this, I'm hoping someone has something to contribute that will help me better understand whats going through my head, and maybe there's a magic word or phrase that will give me some a-ha moment.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and reply!

your going to hate this ... and this is my opinon only ... and this is very common for women ... I believe your "seeing" your hubby as a father figure ... in your subconscience mind whatever you would be uncomfortable having your father know your doing , becomes uncomfortable with hubby ... search your inner most thoughts and see if this true ... I have no idea if true how to approach this .. but maybe just thinging about it will help ... I wish you peace .. glad to pm (private message) anytime ... Tigger ..

What the hell? She's seeing her husband as a father figure just because she feels uncomfortable doing certain acts in a "decent" setting?

Not sure I understand the attitude switch because I was the opposite. Very uncomfortable and secretive about my sexual "escapades" when dating but married a guy who I enjoyed having sex with. When married, I felt more comfortable with everything. Since you once desired him, you probably can get it back somehow, you just have to figure out what is sabatoging it. Do you have a lot of stress? Perhaps there is no time to get in the mood (responsibity) or maybe there is an underlying issue that could be explored in therapy. Also, I tend to feel less sexy when I gain weight/get out of shape. Because it makes you more flexible, I think going to a yoga class on a regular basis improves your sex life. In the meantime, when you are not in the mood, I have always found that giving a blow job is a simple way to accomodate when he is in the mood but you aren't. It could just be your hormones too (you could consult a doctor)-- I do think there is a chemical component to sexual desire. Keep reflecting, observing and there is a good chance you will figure it out.....

Whoa, let's take it down a notch. The OP asked for thoughts and the responder gave an honest thought. It may or may not be accurate but it's a perfectly reasonable possibility.

Could be that when you were dating and didn't feel that you would ever find your "soul mate" or even that a soul mate was a real concept, you felt like a free spirit and acted as such (and that is fine). Now that you are married and in the sort of relationship that you didn't feel was possible, that you are trying to act the part of the "prim and proper" wife and mother.

There is always a bit of dichotomy about sex, you want to have a fulfilling sex life, whatever that might mean to you, but for most people they don't want all the details of their sex lives fully out in the open.

I may be way off, but either way it seems like something a good therapist could help you with.

I think the role of a wife is ingrained into us from every aspect of our lives. From our families, religions, values, evento social media.
Basically a wife isn't really sexy anymore. We change as soon as we're married. Men....maybe.
I've heard that men, when first married see us as Madonna (the sexy one) then after kids...they see us as the Virgin Mary Madonna. Somehow we lose our power in all this. We put our sexuality on the back burner.

What if you had "the hour of power" with your husband. Behind closed doors. Anything goes...whatever you wanto wear in the bedroom....no thoughts allowed, no preconditions, no thoughts etc. back to the primitive basics of natural wants & desires. But notice more of not what you feel, but more of what you're doing to him. The power of being female & how it turns on the male. Then control it, toy with it in your eyes maybe, play with it so it makes you feel like you did when you didn't care....but you do. Remember it's only an hr of freedom to do whatever you want so use it wisely & NO GUILT.

Not sure if that makes any sense, but it's fun trying.
My hr of power is now spent on the couch taking a nap. Yippee.