[tryingtobeconstruct]

I've been doing the online dating thing for about three weeks now, and so far it's been an almost total failure.

I'll see a woman's profile and think we have a lot in common and might be right for each other. I'll read her entire profile, write a custom, personalized message that talks about her interests. I *think* I look nice in my profile pictures and I've written some nice stuff about myself.

Yet I hardly ever even get a response.

This morning OkCupid showed me a lady's profile with a 93% match. (If you don't know OkCupid, their match percentages are actually pretty accurate.) She was online at the same time I was. We seemed to match in every significant way. So I wrote her a nice message, witty (I think), custom for her.

She did not even respond. She read it (OKC shows you when they read the message) but no response.

Then, on another site, I got a "like" from a lady. She also looked interesting, so I responded. No response back.

I've never understood what women want. Now I don't even understand what they want in an initial message.

Can anybody clue me in?

If you're one of the regulars with whom I've exchanged comments, I'll even privately link you to my profiles and show you some messages. Feedback is welcome.

It would be helpful if you posted some examples of messages you are sending. It is possible that you are coming on too strongly.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

It would be helpful if you posted some examples of messages you are sending. It is possible that you are coming on too strongly.

I've thought a lot about that. I do get a bit verbose, so I've tried to tone that down. However, almost all the women I contact say they want something more than just a one sentence message.

The one time ever that I actually met in person a woman from online I started with a message of about 15 sentences. She liked it and responded. (Then she rejected me and I had a nervous breakdown, but that's beside the point... I think.)

You do know that a lot of those profiles are ghost profiles? You make one and then never go back? Plus I think the sites them selves try to lure you by using these profiles in search results to make it look like you have plenty to choose from or... my personal favorite... you get an e-mail from one of them but you have to upgrade to read it. When you do it say something like "Hi" and when you respond.. nothing. Some I services I suspect even do things like "like you" to get you to stay around.

From my point of view if I were looking, but I am not anymore due to terrible experiences,
1. Have photos that don't make you look like a serial killer. I don't know why men put up photos where they are just rolled out of bed in a t shirt looking depressed.
2. your initial hello should just be basic like "hi I am smart guy - how are you?" if that turns them off.. good to know now (usually not a real person)
3. don't push too hard to meet up in person. Let the girl do it. Makes you look like your trying to get laid or like you are trying to make sure she is "pretty".

Consider NOT using dating sites. I suspect strongly the best of the best no longer use those.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

You make some very good points. I'll respond individually.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

1. Have photos that don't make you look like a serial killer. I don't know why men put up photos where they are just rolled out of bed in a t shirt looking depressed.

I really don't think my pics look like that. Of course, it's hard to be completely objective, but I had a friend take them who is a semi-professional photographer. I also showed them to some female friends who I think would give honest feedback. In fact, they did in some cases say they didn't like pictures and I didn't use them.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

2. your initial hello should just be basic like "hi I am smart guy - how are you?" if that turns them off.. good to know now (usually not a real person)

I'll give that some real thought. Maybe I am being overly verbose. Still, the women I've contacted say in their profiles that they want more than one sentence messages. They also say they want evidence that you've actually read their profiles, so I always put personal stuff in there.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

3. don't push too hard to meet up in person. Let the girl do it. Makes you look like your trying to get laid or like you are trying to make sure she is "pretty".

I don't *think* I'm pushing too hard. I usually do say that we could get to know each other online and then, if it feels right, talk on the phone or meet up. But maybe next time I'll just suggest getting to know each other online and leave it at that.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Consider NOT using dating sites. I suspect strongly the best of the best no longer use those.

I do know some wonderful women who use dating sites. Also, though I'm not being down on myself, don't think of myself as the "best of the best", or, put a little better, I'm only right for a small percentage of women. That actually might be true for everybody. Anyway, I've had no luck meeting anyone in the real world.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct

They also say they want evidence that you've actually read their profiles, so I always put personal stuff in there.

Well that is true. I fear the person isn't serious if they don't say something that lets me know they have put some work into it.. so I take it back on that. I think online dating is really tough but... give it a shot.

I myself am the best of the best so... not for me.

[Retnick]

I've been in your shoes. Do yourself a favor and forget the internet when it comes to dating.
Despite the hype, online dating favors women in my experience. Even the less attractive/interesting ones get dozens of messages a day from potential suitors. And forget about the better looking women. They get hundreds. As a guy, unless you work as a model, you won't get any first messages. (Or at least very few.)

Don't get me wrong. You CAN find someone online. But it takes so much work, since you're competing with so many often better looking, more successful men.

My point is, you have to confront your insecurities and start talking to and meeting women in real life. Yeah, rejection hurts, but at least they don't have the option to completely ignore you (it would be seen as rude).
I know when I was messing with online dating, I was using it as a crutch because of my social anxiety. Don't fall for that trap. Your goal is to meet up in person, so it'll eventually be awkward anyway.

[Albie]

On line dating IMHO not the greatest thing! Blind fold yourself spin around a few times and try hitting a dart board from 25 feet. I mean it okay to try it but it should be your after thought you need self confidence. Meet people in person

[Bill3]

I've never understood what women want.

My perspective is that you should stop trying to tailor your messages, stop trying to massage them into "what women want". I think you should simply say whatever your authentic self would say.

I'm only right for a small percentage of women. That actually might be true for everybody.

Exactly.

Anyway, I've had no luck meeting anyone in the real world.

How long have you been trying in the real world?

[IrisBloom]

I know I'm more likely to respond to someone I have something in common with, which you would mention in your first message. Not all, but at least one interest. It's at least a conversation starter. Also, if I stated in my ad that I have a certain desired location or other particulars, I ignore those who can't read my preferences. If it is a bonafide dating site, you should connect with someone sooner or later. Just don't expect too much too soon. It might take a while so just be patient and be yourself.

Different women want different things, but a lot of us who have been online a long time have seen it all and have learned to be very choosy.

Good luck in your endeavor!

Starts with an "m" end with "oney".

[Retnick]

Originally Posted by Day Tripper

Starts with an "m" end with "oney".

Mahogany?
Oh wait, that doesn't work.
Dammit.

[IrisBloom]

If you think all women want is money, you should not date at all if you have none.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

Originally Posted by Day Tripper

Starts with an "m" end with "oney".

I do think that, sadly, the vast majority of women want guys to have more money than I do. I think that "no money, no honey" is true.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct

I do think that, sadly, the vast majority of women want guys to have more money than I do. I think that "no money, no honey" is true.

I think most women want men who are employed. If you are employed then I don't think it matters how much you make. As long as you have income. It's not because women are greedy but because they don't want to take on people to support them. I'd say it's true for men too. I doubt they want women to mooch off them.

I met my husband online actually, on eharmony. No I wasn't looking for money. We make the same amount of money. We have similar career, and he is great. And so am I lol

[tryingtobeconstruct]

No money, no honey. She didn't want to date a dishwasher.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct

No money, no honey. She didn't want to date a dishwasher.

What was she doing though? If she was a CEO of sorts then perhaps she wouldn't date a dishwasher. But if she was in a similar trade? then why wouldn't she? Are you looking for certain type of women?

Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct

No money, no honey. She didn't want to date a dishwasher.

Where the heck are the guys with money on the internet looking for wives? Point me there.

I only find those who just rolled out of bed / took a photo / and who want me to like them for them and their dishwashing hair net.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Where the heck are the guys with money on the internet looking for wives? Point me there.

I only find those who just rolled out of bed / took a photo / and who want me to like them for them and their dishwashing hair net.

Try eharmony. Lots of professional men with stable incomes. They might not be rich but they are employed with incomes. Match has them too but they have ton of scammers. Scammers don't last on eharmony because how the process is set up.

It's great to meet people off online but it depends on one's life style and age. My profession and hobbies are all female oriented and I didn't know any single men at the time. I know lots of people who meet online. It's doable.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

We ended up having another conversation about my career, and she a little bit changed her mind. She might still want to go out.

It might be reasonable for me to think "ok, but now I don't want to go out with her". I don't know yet if that's how I feel. Some considerations.

• She was just being honest about what she wants in a date. We call have our own preferences, many of which don't seem very enlightened if you have to say them out loud.
  
• Money does count, and women in our society tend to view boyfriends as potential providers or at least financial partners.
  
• Nobody's perfect, and I could do worse than be with someone who is honest.
  
• I still kinda like her.
  

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct

We ended up having another conversation about my career, and she a little bit changed her mind. She might still want to go out.

It might be reasonable for me to think "ok, but now I don't want to go out with her". I don't know yet if that's how I feel. Some considerations.

• She was just being honest about what she wants in a date. We call have our own preferences, many of which don't seem very enlightened if you have to say them out loud.
  
• Money does count, and women in our society tend to view boyfriends as potential providers or at least financial partners.
  
• Nobody's perfect, and I could do worse than be with someone who is honest.
  
• I still kinda like her.
  

Did she explain why she wouldn't date a dishwasher? Did she actually say it?
You are right that women and men look for financial partners but that's true for serious relationship and marriage. I don't think it matters if it's just casual. Not sure what you are looking for

[tryingtobeconstruct]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Did she explain why she wouldn't date a dishwasher? Did she actually say it?
You are right that women and men look for financial partners but that's true for serious relationship and marriage. I don't think it matters if it's just casual. Not sure what you are looking for

She's very career oriented and didn't feel like at my age I should be working a minimum wage job. Again, it sounds shallow, but we all have our dating preferences.

I agree that for a casual relationship it shouldn't matter, but I'm learning that some women want to consider the long term anyway.

At this point it's wait-and-see. The ball's in her court. I doubt I'll ever hear from her again.

[kipper-bang]

I have been using a UK Dating site since February this year & had many hits & misses while looking for a new partner. I am a widow and over 60yrs, but still active. The site I use also has a Diary section and men are always asking this question, so I typed up and posted what I want from a man on a dating site.

I hope this helps:



What we want from a man?

1. He has time for you
The first and most concrete sign that a guy is interested in developing a relationship with you is that he will make time for you even if his life is really busy. He will respond quickly to emails, calls and texts (within 24 hours) and will initiate conversations and dates to meet up.
A man is ready for a relationship when the time he invests in pursuing it is consistent and doesn’t change after the relationship has reached the bedroom. Often men are very attentive when they first meet a woman they are attracted to but their interest begins to wane once they have the prize and they start to look for the next pretty face.
If he won’t give you his time, don’t waste any more of yours on him.

2. He opens up to you
Notoriously men are a lot less open with their emotions than women are and are generally more reserved when talking about their feelings, past relationships and struggles they have in their life. A man is ready for a relationship when he has reached a level of emotional maturity where he understands the importance of developing intimacy through communication he wants to invite you into his inner world and isn’t afraid that you will judge him as weak if he lets you know that sometimes he hurts. One of the most intimate times for a man is after s*x if he wants to cuddle up and talk then he is really into you rather than just casually dating you.
Another important aspect of this is when a man wants to draw you into his life showing you where he lives and introducing you to his family and friends all of this indicates that he is interested in developing a deepening relationship and making a commitment rather than keeping it casual.

3. He is affectionate as well as s*xual
For men, wanting to have s*x with a woman is not a sure sign of wanting to have a relationship with her. Women often mistake physical passion as a sign of deepening emotional intimacy it isn’t. Even if your s*x life is off the scale, if only one part of a man’s anatomy is interested there is no guarantee the rest will follow. Showing affection outside of the bedroom, in ways that don’t always lead to s*x hugging, holding hands, kissing etc gives a much stronger indication that he is ready for a relationship.

4. His friends are primarily people who are in relationships
Men will usually engage with people whose values they share so if their closest friends are people who are in steady, committed relationships it is a good indication that he is ready for that too. If however he is still hanging out with his mates, acting irresponsibly, playing the field and living an active bachelor lifestyle he may not be ready to give it up yet. Most men will have a combination of the two but over time you will see where his strongest attachments are and whose values he shares. Avoid getting deeply involved with someone who you think has the potential to calm down and engage in a committed relationship you need to accept someone as they are now rather than what you think they could be if you push them in the right direction.

5. He is over past relationships
This is the biggest indication that a man is ready for a new relationship he is not bitter or cynical about women, commitment or relationships. He can look at what happened realistically and see where he made mistakes rather than placing the blame for the failure of past relationships solely at the door of his exes his mother or women in general. He will give you his attention and get to know you as an individual and explore the relationship between you without prejudice.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Try eharmony. .

One problem I had with that was I found a lot of the guys didn't know themselves well. So you would think you had X and he thinks he is X... but isn't really. Also I include myself in not knowing myself well. So I would often get a mis match.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

Originally Posted by kipper-bang

What we want from a man?

1. He has time for you
The first and most concrete sign that a guy is interested in developing a relationship with you is that he will make time for you even if his life is really busy. He will respond quickly to emails, calls and texts (within 24 hours) and will initiate conversations and dates to meet up.
A man is ready for a relationship when the time he invests in pursuing it is consistent and doesn’t change after the relationship has reached the bedroom. Often men are very attentive when they first meet a woman they are attracted to but their interest begins to wane once they have the prize and they start to look for the next pretty face.
If he won’t give you his time, don’t waste any more of yours on him.

2. He opens up to you
Notoriously men are a lot less open with their emotions than women are and are generally more reserved when talking about their feelings, past relationships and struggles they have in their life. A man is ready for a relationship when he has reached a level of emotional maturity where he understands the importance of developing intimacy through communication he wants to invite you into his inner world and isn’t afraid that you will judge him as weak if he lets you know that sometimes he hurts. One of the most intimate times for a man is after s*x if he wants to cuddle up and talk then he is really into you rather than just casually dating you.
Another important aspect of this is when a man wants to draw you into his life showing you where he lives and introducing you to his family and friends all of this indicates that he is interested in developing a deepening relationship and making a commitment rather than keeping it casual.

3. He is affectionate as well as s*xual
For men, wanting to have s*x with a woman is not a sure sign of wanting to have a relationship with her. Women often mistake physical passion as a sign of deepening emotional intimacy it isn’t. Even if your s*x life is off the scale, if only one part of a man’s anatomy is interested there is no guarantee the rest will follow. Showing affection outside of the bedroom, in ways that don’t always lead to s*x hugging, holding hands, kissing etc gives a much stronger indication that he is ready for a relationship.

4. His friends are primarily people who are in relationships
Men will usually engage with people whose values they share so if their closest friends are people who are in steady, committed relationships it is a good indication that he is ready for that too. If however he is still hanging out with his mates, acting irresponsibly, playing the field and living an active bachelor lifestyle he may not be ready to give it up yet. Most men will have a combination of the two but over time you will see where his strongest attachments are and whose values he shares. Avoid getting deeply involved with someone who you think has the potential to calm down and engage in a committed relationship you need to accept someone as they are now rather than what you think they could be if you push them in the right direction.

5. He is over past relationships
This is the biggest indication that a man is ready for a new relationship he is not bitter or cynical about women, commitment or relationships. He can look at what happened realistically and see where he made mistakes rather than placing the blame for the failure of past relationships solely at the door of his exes his mother or women in general. He will give you his attention and get to know you as an individual and explore the relationship between you without prejudice.

OK, I'm all of that. Where are the women who want to date me?