[psych16m]

simple but hard question: should i come out of the closet?
i'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy and he makes me feel so good about myself but the problem is that im a guy too and when my dad asks me when i get stuff for him. hes like "u getting that for ur girl?" and i just get all nervous and say "yeah"
i want him to know im gay and everyone else around me too but i know they'll treat me different. i also have alot of friends that live close to me that i meet and talk to and go places with everyday but the have no idea that im gay either.
now, i dont act gay or anything. im probly the straightest acting guy that u'll know. my best friend doesnt even know about me. so, they have no idea.
its just hard. i want me and my bf to be open but theres also other issues.
me and my bf are long distance and i dont want any of my gay friends or anyone else to try anything with me.
so, i really want to tell ppl but i dont want them to change their opinion of me or try anything with me.
any help?

[(JD)]

Why? You've already listed good reasons not to. Besides, you are still a teenager, you can't be sure of anything regarding hormones at this time! Sorry, don't take offense... it's just true. I'm glad you have close friends...but would hope that you have them of both genders, as that's only healthy for everyone. I wouldn't complicate your life any more than it already is, and keep this in the "closet" so to speak. TC

[psych16m]

thanx for the comment.
but ever since i could remember i know i was gay. and of course i love loving a guy but thats not what i really want. im with a guy now and we've been happily togethor for 4 months and we havent done anything sexually and thats totally fine with me. im just with me bc he makes me feel so good about myself and everytime im around him im just so happy.
i have close friends of both genders and all my friends are great. i love them all.
and my past realationships have been with both guys and girls.
my last relationship was with agirl. and it lasted over 3 yrs. it might be surprising but we never did anything. i really dont go into a relationship for sex. i go for the person and bc i love them.
through my experience, with being with both guys and girls, i like guys alot more. i cant explain it. i just feel closer for some reason and its so much easier. its kinda hard to explain but it just feels rt.
but overall, i'll take ur advice. simply bc it'll be easier to stay locked in the closet for rt now. thanx so much and best of luck.

[Rhapsody]

I am sorry you are going thru such a hard time right now and I would like you to know that there many people here that will not judge nor condemn you...... you are safe here.

[AAAAA]

In a perfect world you'd be able to tell whomever you wish and it wouldn't have any relevance on your relationship with them. Only you can decide who you want to tell. I'm sure that some will surprise you in both directions.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You would think in this day and age we'd be more enlightened. It's up to you and your comfort level. Hugs and good luck to you!

[psych16m]

*huff* i just dont know what to do. personally, if i do tell everyone im gay it wont change who i am. im still gonna be me. im still gonna act the same and all. but the only thing thats holding me back is the fear that my dad would be ashamed of me. i could care less what other ppl think of me. they'll see later that im no different then before. but my step-mom and dad are my main conscerns. i dont even care what my siblings think.
i already know fr a fact that my step-mom does not like gay ppl. i know my dad would be okay with it bc hes behind me 100% but i dont want it to change his view of me. its just hard. i want everyone to know im gay, just scared of what my parents would do.

Honesty is the best policy ... i know this is a hard decision for you and i admire your courage for wanting to be you and not bothering about anyone else. Your step mom is very narrow minded for not liking gay people ..... as long as YOU are happy that's all that matters, like someone said, in an ideal world it shouldn't matter at all, unfortunately there are people out there who judge and decide it's 'wrong' when it has nothing whatsoever to do with them ..... i wish you all the luck and care in the world and i hope your parents welcome your openess with open arms i really do ... good luck sweetie, may i just add my male friend who is gay from one part of the UK has moved to a different part of the UK where he feels more comfortable with his sexuality. He is still not open to some people and it has caused him great problems within his own mind ......his father had an issue initially but has now changed his mind and is totally supportive .... hugs, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

[AAAAA]

(((((psych16m))))) I wish that I could make this easier or tell you what the right thing to do is. I truly hope and pray that your parents love you unconditionally and this won’t make a difference either way. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your father, is it possible to talk to him one on one? If I were in your parents place, I would feel awful that you don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to them about everything. I gave my own kids this rule of thumb: The thing that you think you can’t tell me, or are afraid to tell me, is exactly what I need to know.

Do you have any Aunts or uncles that you are close to that you can talk to about this and get their input on your parent’s reactions?

[psych16m]

i dont have any realatives around here. but i think i might tell one of my friends i trust and maybe my T but im not sure. kinda hard. i'll just have to give it a long considerattion on exactly what i want to do. thanx everyone.

[ziggy1]

Just Take your time and make sure your comfortable with letting others know of your sexuality. Nothing wrong with not taking your time.

Up here in Massachusetts its no big deal about being gay and people are more accepting, not sure what its like for you around
Arkansas.

You may want to build up a little support system first by attending a few anonymous gay support groups if you have any there to attend, say at school or sometimes colleges have them.

But by all means take your time no rush 4 sure..good luck..!

[psych16m]

thanx for the advice. i'll talk to my high school conseler next yr and see if there's anything aroundhere like that. thanx everyone and best of luck.

[jennie]

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psych16m said:
simple but hard question: should i come out of the closet?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm glad you aren't feeling pressured to come out before you are truly ready.

I'd like to just add to this discussion a few questions....

Why is sexual attraction and identity consider similar issues? Why is it so important to tell? Why are others' perceptions so important? Is anyone's business to know who you'd prefer to be intimate with or the secrets of your heart? Is there really a closet? If there is a closet, why are your friends and family clueless to your inner heart? Why don't they know you? Have they not listened? Have they not heard? You think you are that good at hiding your secret? What if they all already know?

Don't answer any of the questions. I'm just throwing these questions out there to emphasis this point: I don't think sexual attraction has anything to do with IDENTITY. Gay pride has it's purpose in educating the ignorant but I think gay pride goes overboard when we define ourselves as merely sexual beings. "I am gay" is a useful statement but you are much more than that. When you decide to disclose to your parents, remind them that you are more than a label of "gay son." (((((((Huggs))))))) Peace!

[psych16m]

thanx for all of the great advice. and when i do reveal that im gay, when im ready, im still gonna be myself. its not gonna change who i am. thanx for the awesome advice. it helps extremely alot.

[AAAAA]

Why don't you start with your T? If you trust him/her, tell him and ask his opinion.

[(JD)]

It's really a misnomer to think that everyone knows everyone else's sexual preference. I'm not saying this with any malice, ...but it's only been since homosexuals began making it public knowledge that there is any talk about what a person's preference is. Is this part of it's culture?

No one, IRL, truly knows what my preferences are, and I have no impetus to have to tell them, nor to make sure they know. I think this is true for the majority of people on the earth today. In fact, personally, I would rather people accept me for who I am as they know me, and not have it have anything to do with sex and physical desires.

You get to choose though, but it is one of those things where once you say it to the world, you can't take it back. I am always wary of those types of disclosures anyway, you know? Take care.

[jalover21]

love, you know i want u to be happy and whatever you do ill be fine with it in or out of the closet dont worry just take your time ok dont rush because of me!!

[jennie]

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_Sky said:
It's really a misnomer to think that everyone knows everyone else's sexual preference. I'm not saying this with any malice, ...but it's only been since homosexuals began making it public knowledge that there is any talk about what a person's preference is. Is this part of it's culture?

No one, IRL, truly knows what my preferences are, and I have no impetus to have to tell them, nor to make sure they know. I think this is true for the majority of people on the earth today. In fact, personally, I would rather people accept me for who I am as they know me, and not have it have anything to do with sex and physical desires.

You get to choose though, but it is one of those things where once you say it to the world, you can't take it back. I am always wary of those types of disclosures anyway, you know? Take care.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

_Sky

[Lenny]

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_Sky said:
In fact, personally, I would rather people accept me for who I am as they know me, and not have it have anything to do with sex and physical desires.

I am always wary of those types of disclosures anyway, you know?

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Me too Sky. I am wonderfully heterosexual and I have many friends who are wonderfully gay...In a perfect world...so what...our sexuality has little to do with much of anything except plumbing...Love is Love...period.

But somewhere along the line fear did its destructive work and words like fag, queer, dike, sword swallower, queen and the like became labels to what is not understood. How does a closeted gay feel when one of these words is used in his/her company? Do you know any similar names for the sexual proclivity of a herterosexual?

Then the church(s) in their open and affirming way decided that Love between two consenting adults was specifically definned by God and anything other that sex resulting in potential pregancy was sinfull. For years,,my use of condoms dutifully prescribed my destiny to hell....

I admit,,,I too was wary of disclosures of the personal type. But then I learned about secrets and the harm they do to the health of the human psyche and spirit. I learned about mental illness and addiction and the power of fear. I learned about bigotry, punishing Gods, and exclusionary beliefs and how those fears hurt people for generations..

Then slowly,,like a glacier,,I began to change and see that acceptance was the key to difference. My prejudice was keeping rooms locked to me and thus to my children whom I pass the keys...

With Respect,

Lenny

[psych16m]

okay, i officially finally made-up my mind. im coming out of the closet but in a way. most ppl that know me well, know that i am an extremely lazy person via of me not doing anything that is not vitally necessary to be done immediately. so, what im trying to say is that i am going to be open about it but i am not going to go tell everyone or make it a mission to get everyone that i know to understande the simple concept that i am gay. i have no desire to explain to other ppl that im gay. its just unnessary work. eventually they will find out and im simply fine with it. if anyone asks i'll say yes but im not going to yell im gay in the middle of wal mart. im not like that.
also, if u know me, u also know that i do not act gay, not even one bit. thats kinda why no one truely knows where i live. i act striaght if u wanna utilize those words but im just trying to say that i act like a normal boy. not like the "typical" gay u see on tv. and i dont listen to "gay music" i listen to my kinda music. its just me. im very unique. but thats me.
simply put, im now open but its going to be a slow process for everyone to know. but thats how i want it. if it goes that way then even then not everyone will know but im not concerned if they know or not.
thank you everyone fo all of the great advice, and the best of luck t everyone.
ich warte heir für ihr Baby.

[Danialla]

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_Sky said:
It's really a misnomer to think that everyone knows everyone else's sexual preference. I'm not saying this with any malice, ...but it's only been since homosexuals began making it public knowledge that there is any talk about what a person's preference is. Is this part of its culture?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

When most people see a heterosexual couple walking down the street holding hands, do they think of that couple as people who are just out to "make their sexual preference public"? I would hazard a guess that most people, if they noticed them at all, would just see a couple in love.

Now, let's say it is a homosexual couple walking down the street holding hands. What do you think most people would think? I am going to hazard a guess again, and say that most people are going to think exactly what you wrote, that the couple who happened to be homosexual, just wanted to make their "sexual" preference "public knowledge".

So who is doing all the thinking about "sexual" things regarding the second couple? You guessed it, the narrow minded people who think of homosexuals as ONLY interested in the "sexual" nature of a relationship, but allowing the heterosexual couple the capacity to have a more complex relationship.

It is that type of narrow minded thinking that "requires" homosexuals to "come out of the closet," in the first place, like it or not. Actually, the only real reason a homosexual needs to come "out" in the first place, is to be able to share things with their family, friends and partner, that heterosexual people take for granted. Like the ability to hold the hand of the person they love....... In public.

Some people feel uncomfortable when they see a homosexual couple holding hands, although not a heterosexual couple. Others can get downright nasty, when they see a gay couple. Yelling vulgar things, throwing objects and even physically assaulting the homosexual couple. So who put the homosexuals in the closet in the first place?

So who thinks the homosexuals "culture" is all about making their sexual preference, "public knowledge"? Only the narrow minded people, in my book. Of course that is said without malice

interesting information. thanx for sharing it.

[Danialla]

Your welcome...

[aeckelberger]

Follow your heart, let it be your guide. If you feel you need to come out, then do it. Be yourself and be happy with who you are. We are here for you if you need to talk futher. Good luck with your decision.

[Tracy1980]

Good luck with coming out. I am currently 28 years-old. I came out of the closet as a gay man around the age of 19. It was such a relief to get that off of my shoulders.

That was not the end, however. At the age of 27, after having identified as a gay man and having been with men for about 8 years, I realized that my gender identity was female and not male. In other words, I felt that I was a woman in a man's body. So, I have been on cross-gender hormones for about 1.5 years and have been living full-time as a woman for the last six months. I will be having my genital surgery this coming January to make me into a complete woman.

Coming out transgender was so much harder for me than coming out gay. I just hope that I put the message out there that sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate things. Just because you are sexually into guys does not necessarily mean that you like being a guy, which is what I thought for so long. You may like guys sexually and want to be a female when you are with them, which would make you transgender.

So, after identifying as gay for so long, I now identity as a heterosexual female. Interesting, huh?

Hugs,
Tracy

[DontSayIt]

Very often in conversation controversial topics will come up. I know that sometimes I'm the more liberal one in the group, so I patiently listen, don't say much of anything, and don't disagree or press the topic, I don't even start them. This happens mainly in business situations that I'm in, but I learn about the other person's feelings, thoughts, and attitudes without outing myself at all. Listening is very powerful tool. Just thought I'd share, maybe it will help. Best of luck