Could I be happy with a sexless marriage?

How important is sex in a marriage, really? Is it worth risking the marriage over?

Is it possible to be happy in a sexless marriage?

How do I kill my desire and just forget about sex? Is that possible?

I'm thinking we probably need more of an explanation of why your marriage would be sexless? (sorry if you've posted it somewhere and I didn't see)
it seems like a pretty bold statement. Is it because your husband or wife doesn't want sex at all, or is unable due to a physical handicap?
Are there any other ways to express yourselves together sexually if so?

Well....it's a long story.

We have been together for 8-1/2 years, married for almost 4 years. We have a 3-1/2 year old daughter.

The sex was great at first. We dated long-distance, I was in college 75 miles away. Every single time we got together, we had sex. Sometimes more than once in a night.

But then it just gradually got worse. Down to once a month. Then maybe 2-3 months of nothing. Then the longest was a 9 month dry spell of no sexual contact whatsoever.

I should admit...I have cheated on him. One short fling in 2004, right after a suicide attempt, I was severely depressed and just looking for someone who cared. Then a string of one-night-stands in 2006, which we can now attribute to a hypomanic episode triggered by the antidepressants they gave me for what they thought was postpartum depression (I'm Bipolar II). Then...a 6 month affair this January-June with a man I met online. That one I can't blame on impulsivity. It was more than that. And if you see my other thread here....it hasn't even ended completely yet.

My husband knows about the affairs. He doesn't seem to care. He just lets it go, like nothing ever happened. It's like he doesn't even give a damn that his wife cheated on him. We even went to marriage counseling for a couple months, and he told the counselor that he is past it, he just wants to move on and forget about the past.

I know the affairs probably effect him a lot. But the sex was bad before I ever cheated - it was one reason why I cheated. (no, it doesn't make it okay, I know that. Just explains it)

I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since we first met. Over 100 pounds. I am a binge eater, and I'm on Zyprexa. I've gained 50 pounds since I started the Zyprexa. But it's the only med that holds me together - when I switched meds, I got highly suicidal.

But then...I have this picture of us from a cruise in 2001, our first vacation together. I was a size 6 109 pound 20 year old with a fresh tan in a slinky dress - I looked friggin HOT in that photo. It's my motivation photo for weight loss, to remind me where I could be. But you know what? That entire cruise - 5 nights - we never had sex ONCE the entire time!! I distinctly remember one night when he wanted to go to the midnight buffet. I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but wanted him to come with me. He just wanted to stay up. I said well we could play around a little and then he could still go to the buffet. He didn't want to. He was more excited about eating at a midnight buffet than me.

I've asked him, point blank, if he's gay. He says he's not. He usually laughs it off like I'm joking when I ask.

I have asked him several times to go see a doctor about it. He won't go. He's too embarrassed.

One thing I should mention...he has had zero contact with his family from the time he left home at 18. I dont' know why, he won't tell me the whole story. He went to great lengths to make sure they can't find us when we moved. Like he's hiding from something. So...my gut says, maybe there was some abuse? He won't open up about it.

He is also 9-1/2 years older than me - I'm 28, he's 37. But he's still young enough, he should have a sex drive. He just doesn't.

There are times when I put on a sexy piece of lingerie, and walk down in front of the TV when he's watching. He doesn't even look up. Just keeps watching his show.

Anyway...there are a million reasons why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. The affairs. My weight gain. My facial hair. Maybe I smell bad. Maybe I'm no good in bed. Maybe he's just tired from work. Maybe that MASH rerun episode is his favorite. Maybe he's gay but won't admit it. Maybe he's into something really kinky but is too ashamed to ask for it. Maybe he gets all he needs from jerking off to porn. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he has low testosterone. Maybe he needs Viagra. Maybe he's just asexual. Maybe this, maybe that....I've been through it all, but I still have no answers.

But I love him, I really do. He is the only man I've ever loved. The only man I ever really dated. Our marriage is fine in every other aspect, except the sex. We are generally happy, we have fun with our daughter, he is the best dad in the world to her. We get along fine, we are fine financially, we don't fight about anything. It just seems dumb to break up an otherwise perfect marriage over something as trivial as sex.

So how do I get to the point where I love him enough to abstain from sex as long as it takes for him to want it? How do I conquer the feelings of rejection? (keep in mind I also have Borderline Personality Disorder....highly sensitive to rejection)

How do I make sure I don't have the urge to cheat again?

How do I find out why my husband has no sex drive, when he won't answer my questions or go see a doctor?

I'm feeling your pain - my partner and I have had sex five times in the last year. The lingerie thing really hits home; I've done all kinds of flaunting and he just doesn't seem to get the message. I don't know what it is. He's 26 and I assume everything works down there, just not when I'm around. No idea what to do. My psychiatrist recommended sex therapy for both of us. I haven't looked into it yet. Is it possible for you, and do you think your husband would go?

I think you have answered one of your own questions, though: "Is it possible to be happy in a sexless marriage?" Clearly not, because it is making you unhappy and has been for some time, and you've gone to lengths, even cheating, to try to satisfy the need you have for affection and sexual passion. You and I are about the same age, and I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and if we can't figure it out, it's a deal-breaker, I'll be moving on. Somewhere out there must be a person with more passion who can show desire for me, and for you.

i'd reccomend relationships counseling. typically when there are sexual issues there are other issues, too. sometimes people need a hang getting in touch with what those issues are that are affecting things and figuring out how to help things along.

does he have an erection when he is in REM sleep do you know? if so... then it is psychological. if not... then it could be organic (and so should go to a doctor).

I have lots to say. First abt a male friend of mine in a sexless marriage, and then about my low-sex relationship.

My friend is an ex-lover. we (he and his wife) tried an open relationship - with me - because she has no sex drive. It worked for a while, but I pushed it because I wanted more relationship than I really could expect from a married man. The split was very painful for me. We still "love" each other (more as friends), but went many years hardly speaking to each other except as friends at social gatherings. I'm still friends with his wife as well. He is still married, and from the outside, it is great - family trips, family get-togethers, activities and such. I wish I had a family life like that. They are good parents and friendly with each other, put platonic, and they have sex once or twice a year, which it isn't enough for him.

When my 2-1/2 year on and off "whatever it is" was in "off" mode (several times last year), he and I got together to have sex. As friends, mostly. We both are with people who have very low sex drive, and we both have a more average drive. I justify it by saying that it won't hurt his marriage if I don't want anything from him, and I only had sex with him when I was "certain" that I wasn't going to get back together with my "BF." Only I did, over and over again.

When I got back together with my BF, I'd tell him that I'd had sex while we were apart, but he didn't ask with who, except to ask if it was safe sex, and whether I wanted a rel with the guy. I said it was an old friend and no, which is true.

Early on in my current "relationship" (it's really hard to define), when he rejected me, I would think that the way to get over the loss was to have sex with someone else. Or to try to have an actual relationship (only did that once). Neither really worked. Being with someone else just made me sad that I wasn't with him. I wanted to smell his skin, feel his hands on me, have him love me and want me in his life. I really don't know why. It was as if I'd trained my body and my mind to him. So after a few of these unsatisfactory one-nighters (and the surprising reality that we were back together again), I decided that if we broke up again, that wasn't the cure.

He has intimacy issues, and I am guessing that I do too (mine are just not as obvious). He has low libido, or at least he has erectile problems when we are together. But not always - which I believe rules out physical problems. I assume it's emotional, and trust issues, and I was interested to see a big similarity between your husband's reaction to the infidelity and my BF's reaction to sleeping with someone else when we were apart - just a passive acceptance and a desire to not dwell on it. It's almost as if they think they don't deserve our fidelity, or that they don't trust women to be faithful, or they don't trust other people to treat them well. He has said in a general sense that he has trust issues, and I think this is the key. I think that if he can learn to trust (and me, too, 'cause I have a hard time trusting others these days), his ability to get truly excited sexually will return.

But I also think that both our men need therapy, and mine has outright refused many, many times. I am going to try once again to suggest relationship therapy (instead of putting all the "blame" on him), by pointing out that we have tried over and over again to solve these things on our own without much success. But as a fallback (or a starter), I am hoping he is willing to watch a show that's on the LOGO network. It's called "Bad Sex" to catch people's attention, and it's about sexual problems (nobody with erection problems, strangely enough), but really it is about relationship issues. It's a non-glitzy reality show about group therapy, and each episode follows one person and his/her issues. I have been copying it and watching it, and I have learned something significant in each show.

I guess I have no advice, per se, just a shared experience. My BF does have "sex" with me, it just rarely involves intercourse. I have always been accustomed to intercourse, so the other kinds of sex are ok, but intercourse is what really turns me on and satisfies me.. On the occasions when we do have intercourse, I am anxious for it to work out right, so that affects how fun it is.. and usually neither of us has an orgasm from intercourse. I am ok with me not having an orgasm that way - story of my life - but I am accustomed to my lover having an orgasm.. so it has been an adjustment. When things are really hot and heavy, occasionally he does come inside me, but I can count those times on one or two hands (in over 2 years). I keep hoping that those occasions will happen more and more often, but I don't know what exactly makes them happen, so it's hard to duplicate.

Lack of sex is killing my marriage (her lack of interest not mine).

Our marriage is fine in every other aspect, except the sex.

Not to be a wet blanket, but I just cannot believe that all of your "extra sex" has not had an adverse effect on his sexual interest. As one who got caught in "extra sex" a long time ago, I can tell you that it is humiliating to the "victim spouse." It is hard to believe he does not care. I think this is the root problem and you should deal with that aspect of it.

Could it be stress related? I know when I'm under stress it effects the desire to "perform" and sleep becomes more of a priority then sex. Have you asked him if he's seeing someone else on the side? He could also be into porn and self satisfying as well. Many causes I know but try to rule things out and I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Only you can answer this question. If you only want him for sex then of course you won't be happy. But if you care about him and he cares about you and you love each other then yes, you can be happy without it. Personally, I think sex is overrated and I could quite easily survive without it. But, like I said, only you can answer this question.

You are going to spend the rest of your life with them...and won't be able to have sex.

Well, if you're comfortable not having sex the rest of your life...noooooo that doesn't sound good at all...

Thanks for your frank story. Several things could be going on. At 37 he could have low testosterone or some other male sexual health problem. You mention several things it "could be" including low T (The affairs. My weight gain. My facial hair. Maybe I smell bad. Maybe I'm no good in bed. Maybe he's just tired from work. Maybe that MASH rerun episode is his favorite. Maybe he's gay but won't admit it. Maybe he's into something really kinky but is too ashamed to ask for it. Maybe he gets all he needs from jerking off to porn. Maybe he was abused. Maybe he has low testosterone. Maybe he needs Viagra. Maybe he's just asexual. Maybe this, maybe that..). Seems to me he needs to deal with identifying the the root causes; if he doesn't your frustration (emotional as well as sexual) will just get worse. I don't consider sex in a marriage a trivial thing. I'm 57, have low T, but with testosterone supplements and Levitra we still enjoy sex a couple times a week. Hope he is able to get over his fear of whatever is keeping him from getting checked out medically. Best to you.

My husband is only 22, and we struggle sometimes. Sometimes he just, can't perform. And it's not physical, I have learned, it's totally mental. He was sexually abused multiple times as a child, from the age of 4 to the age of 12. Anything sexual to him makes him feel unbelievably guilty, especially "good sex". He doesn't form an emotional bond with me through sex, it's simply a way to obtain pleasure that links him back to that scared little boy who felt badly about himself. We haven't been able to overcome it yet, but I hope someday to be a part of his recovery. It sounds like your husband is hiding something about his family. Could he be hiding something like this from you? Shame is a big mood kill.