can i ever tell her?

i'm a 17 year old girl and i think i'm in love with my bestfriend who is also a girl. i don't know what to do considering i don't want to ruin our friendship. i know she doesn't feel the same way about me but i always want to be around her, and i miss her when we don't talk for even the shortest time. i constantly need attention from her and i don't want to become clingy. it's getting worse over time and i'm so confused and i just don't know what i can do.

Are you in love with her in a sexual way or are you in love with her in a great friendship way (that which a wounded soul needs)?

If it is the latter of the two then you do not need to tell your friend - just be there for her and enjoy her friendship.... help the friendship to grow so it may stand through time.

i really don't know, both i suppose. as much as i fight it, i sometimes feel like i want a sexual relationship with her. i've gotten to the point where i'm almost obsessing over her.

Sounds like you're in love with your best friend. Do you think you could talk to your best friend about it so that perhaps you can get a greater understanding of what you're feeling about her? Or do you think she'll freak out?

i think it'd just make things awkward. if not totally destroy our friendship. we're close and i don't want to ruin it, but i don't know how to stop being so needy.

This is what I was trying to get at when I asked if you were sexually in love with her or just in need of her friendship... and from the sounds of it you love her out of the NEED to be wanted and cared about (as any human would) and your friend does that for you... it is almost as though she is a emotional substitute for what you did not get when you where younger.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Boobop do you think this has anything to do with your last post about
when you were younger????

Just thought I'd bring it up???

It sounds like you need a very good friend to Confide in...?

yes rhapsody, that does make sense, but many of my close friends are caring towards me, why is it only her that i feel so emotional about?

and ziggy, i'm not sure if there's a connection between the two things, i guess it could be possible that i feel closer to her because i have confided in her about my past.

thank you rhapsody, cyber, and ziggy for all of your input

i tend to think that, when you're 17, the truth will out. that age group is not really great about keeping these kind of secrets. when i was in high school a good friend of mine told me she was attracted to me, and i said that i was flattered but it wasn't going to happen, and we went on being friends. it might have been hard for her. i don't know. we're not in touch now but she's involved with women and i'm not. i had another set of friends who had something similar happen, and neither of them are gay as adults.

anyway my point is things are already awkward, at least for you, and if she's a really good friend, and you don't go too overboard in expressing your feelings, probably nothing bad will happen if you tell her. give her an out. be prepared to take no for an answer and don't freak out.

my personal experience is, your whole life you will occasionally feel attraction to your good friends, just because you're close to them, and because people are sexual. sexuality is a lot more flexible than it's sometimes presented. so you don't have to draw any huge conclusions from this.

that was a really great post, e sort .

boobop - my best friend when i was 17 told me she was in love with me. i had never considered her in that way. but whatever, a year later and we dated. it lasted 5 years. she's now dating other women, i'm back to guys.

if you think you love your friend in a sexual way, then maybe you should tell her. i dont think things will be awkward. i mean - they might be at first, if you expect an immediate response. maybe just let her know (write her a letter?) and let her take her own time in getting back to you. i doubt she will push you away. so long as you are cool with her being like "thanks, but no way" then i dont think there would be a problem.

thanks for your posts guys.

it's definetely gonna take some time for me to build up the nerve to tell her, i don't know if i will but i'll see how things go. it makes me feel better that this is kind of a normal thing to go through.

Oh yes, this is way normal. Only you know when it feels right to tell her.

Hey Boo,

Just remember, if you chose to reveal your attraction to her there's no going back. I wouldn't have said that if you indicated there might be a mutual sexual attraction. I didn't get that from what I've read.

In a heterosexual world there are no real consequences for professing interest to someone who's not interested. That changes if it's same sex hitting up on a heterosexual who's not interested. You'll do yourself a favor to weigh in the possible backlash for yourself.

And what about the friendship? You acknowledged that it could be affected. Whatever you chose, think it through.

notz

i really don't get the vibe that there's mutual attraction, i feel like if i tell her then it'd ruin the closeness we have, you know?

i don't even know if i'm gay, like i'm attracted to men it's just with her it's different for some reason..

Then don't tell her. Go with your instincts. Only you know what is right for you.

Also, you're not gay if you are attracted to one particular female, that is, your best friend. If you found other females attractive in addition to your best friend, then I'd say there is a big probability. But an isolated incident shouldn't warrant a concern.

Let me share this with you. It's just my experience, so that means just that - it's mine and that doesn't make it set in concrete for anyone. I realized one day that when I feel really, really close with someone I tend to "sexualize" the relationship. I'm talking about the people in my life that I have absolutely connected with, felt safe with, were happy with, they good to me and vice versa.

I haven't figured out all the why's and where for's. Maybe it's because I was molested as a child, maybe it's because I have abandonment issues, maybe it's because my fingernail is chipped! I don't know for me and I don't even know if this applies to you.

I used to be afraid to let someone know that I liked them. That was very risky...so much rejection in my life. Somewhere, somehow things would get bungled and mixed up and somehow I would sexualize my feelings.

What I have learned is when I start having strong feelings toward someone I tell them that I like them. I simply give myself permission to voice how I feel about a friend to a friend. Nothing dramatic, just easy conversation. Out-of-respect for the friend I don't bring the sexual component into it if there is one. If there was one, it usually goes away. And if it's meant to be then perhaps that component will come back around.

You're just getting on the highway of life. Relax, enjoy the ride.

notz

thank you notz for sharing that.

i'm only 17 but lately i've been learning a lot about myself. i was also molested when i was younger, and also have abandonment issues, a lot of people including my father and step father have walked out of my life, so maybe this is stemming from that, at least my clingy-ness issue...i hope i can get past it.