[garden]

In my silent ramblings a thought I came to me - that the reason for low or no self esteem is because of being alone or being alone so much without any help or agreement; the reason for exclusion by others is fear of alignment with "loners" and the premise for cliques is to ensure not to be singled out and to have immediate emotional support. Generalizing cliques are afraid of self-reliance. Wow!

Where does that leave me? Just with the hope that I can stop feeling that there's something lacking in me as a loner.

[Junerain]

((((garden))))

I feel being a loner is okay, as long as you can understand yourself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually....as long as you love yourself deeply...............are all your needs being met, do you feel?

[garden]

Junerain

I feel and sense deeply and enjoy being alone because I don't get criticized and ridiculed, to me, for no reason. There's a certain serenity, peace and calmness in being alone, if not safety. Am I happy? The majority of the time I am. Its the interaction with people who seem to be drawn to me. Usually I am minding my own business, taking a walk at work, eating lunch and doing a cross-word puzzle or just doing my thing. I am an out going friendly person but lately I'm showing another side by pushing some people away. I am completely fed up with negative nice nasty! So I have the confidence but lose it when I find myself in an argumentive type situation. All my nails turn into claws. As this is an area that a good deal of people are adept at being nasty or down right mean, I don't play well, have become rude; just anything to get them away from me. I don't want to push everyone away. My intuition or sense of what I'm usually faced with strong. This I sometimes wish I could turn off. BUT I'd like friendships just as everyone else does, only more positive.

Are my needs being met? From myself yes. From others no and I don't expect that. I seemed to be surrounded by "what can you do for me" types including my husband. I've had satisfying relationships in the past with friends who've passed away, or moved and we've lost touch or those where we've grown apart. I understand that I am at a crossroads where a decision will make or break me. I'd like to have a conversaton, pour my heart out, get feedback and not have the words revisit me as I so often have; the everyone knows my and whispers. I'd like to have a true friend who treats me as I've treated them.

I'm here, posting as an ultimate effort to reachout, learn and receive. I'm also in the depression and lonely people area.

[Junerain]

I'm glad to know you garden. I have the same issues with humanity at large; seems they only want to 'change' me, tell what I think and feel is wrong..(I think and feel quite differently than most..) ( which is not a crime...)

It is a constant fight; re-iterating no thank you; I will continue being 'me..'

Sad, although I have handful of true friends, do not see them too often; but when I do I feel totally completely understood..

PC is a GREAT place for you to be; full of the deeper kinds of folk...PM me if you wish..

[garden]

Junerain, thanks. I don't have even a handful of friends anymore but I do feel comfortable with those I do have. Thanks for being there.

[garden]

Still rambling and a light bulb went off. I may be the problem. Why don't I conform? What is it about me that attracts the negative? Am I emitting something that brings this on? What am I doing? Then, why is it happening to me repeatedly? What lesson haven't I learned? All these questions popping up today. Am I supposed to stay hidden under a rock and keep my mouth closed for fear of bringing the same incidents again? Shall I continue to stand up for myself and continue the nastiness and invisibility? I used to believe I was invisible a long time ago. Ah, somewhere that must have crept back into my being. I'm nearer to closing in on my depression and self-esteem . . . if I could only answer the questions

I am human or am I? Ahead of my time or was I?
My heart is innocent but I am slow to street smarts.
I was hatched, that's it!

[Junerain]

((garden))) (((you are a sweet human yes)))

Sounds like you questioning yourself, and who you are, not a bad thing to do

How does continuing to stand up for yourself, continue the nastiness and invisibility? Is it a concept you are very drawn to; invisibility?

I think I can see you, the real you, is growing

I struggles for 2 years with, well, issues, sad ones..let me post a link, just a sec..

you may find comfort reading it....will post in following post..

[Junerain]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=61516

[garden]

We are kindred. I will have to read and re-read this again. There are some profound truths in the thread and some I truly need. Imagery has been there all along and I think I'm coming out of the depression because I'm not just angry at myself anymore. I imagine succeeding at work and have only beenhit major road blocks to my integrity. The peacefulness of reading a book in a tree with the wind slightly stirring or hanging upside down from a tree in awe of what the world was like and what I would become. Imagery that now takes me into yep remodeling my kitchen. Didn't know I could do it. Imagery that made it peaceful enough for me to install a cork floor. Imagery that has allowed me to achieve so much yet not defeat the depression. I know my mother had it bad and I have an sibling with schiz. Fear, yes a lot of fear, shame from being labled and truth without understanding.

The most important part of this "waking up" is the ability to talk with someone about it; to see what they've experienced, to know that there are ways . . . to good days