[wi_fighter]

Never have I associated my messy house and lack of friends with my ability to be a good mom, but my ex raised that point in mediation today. He said I should have the kids a limited amount of time because I can't provide a stable, family-oriented home environment and he can. So, what does that mean? I need a man and a spotless house to be deemed a fit parent in his eyes? One of the things he raised during our divorce was his fear that I would have TOO MANY friends and couldn't be a good parent. Talk about crazymaking.

Now, in all these years I've never thought those two things could qualify me as a bad parent, and they shouldn't now, either, at least not until Human Services says so, and they've been in my house already and said, yes, it is cluttered but not a hazard. But I'm still left feeling like absolute dog poop because of what he said.

Low self esteem bites, especially when you let other people chip at it away even more. He did it just to be a mean jerk, but it still doesn't hurt any less.

[LMo]

Wifi... that is seriously crazymaking, you're right. Well, at least the 'friends' part... the clutter might just not be his style and that drives a lot of people batty but other people are just fine with it. I've never heard of a case (and our friend Dexter might disagree here...) of kids who grew up to be misadjusted adults because of their parents' housekeeping skills!

Just do your best to maintain your composure and to hell with what he thinks! But be sure to clean up before Human Services visits, just to be on the safe side...

[wi_fighter]

LMo, thanks. You're absolutely right. Also, I can't ever remember not liking someone because of their parents' cleaning prowess. Except this one family's place always smelled like a diaper pail. That was kind of gross until you got used to it. So I doubt my kids are going to all of a sudden lose their friends and not make new ones because their mom isn't wired with the proper cleaning chromosome.

My messy house is a source of frustration for me, though, and eats at my self esteem. I'm embarrassed to have anyone over because of it. If I could tackle it, that would be one less roadblock to letting people into my life, and might lessen the self esteem issues. Who knows? I think I need one of those people who comes in your house and relentlessly gets rid of stuff while you stand there in shock. LOL

Anyone want to nominate me for Clean Sweep?

Dear Clean Sweep People, Shirley's ex tells her she will lose her kids because of her messy house. She also has no friends. Please help.

Sincerely, The Groholians

[Kathyanita]

WI_
for me a lot of times housework is just so boring. Sometimes i have to play act (to satisfy the work-ethic part that wants to get paid for labor) and actually put on clothes to resemble a uniform and hire my self to come only the one time to clean a strangers house (my own) as cost-effectively and time-efficiently as possible - just to get the best workers (in me) on board. . . you might feel silly pretending but maybe not?

[wi_fighter]

Kathy, you know, that might actually work. I try to use the rationale of "If I was moving, would I want to haul this with me?" If the answer is no, I pitch it out. I just don't get into the frame of mind to do that often enough. Maybe this incident today will be some incentive. I've been wanting to downsize and simplify anyway. I feel like I was slapped with a gauntlet today, and when that happens I go into "Oh yeah, I'll show you" mode.

I don't want my parenting and my self esteem to be defined by my clutter, and it looks like it's doing that more and more.

You've definitely given me some food for thought and it's much appreciated.

[h0kie]

(((((((((((wi_fighter))))))))))

Sounds like you need to 27 Fling Boogie (FlyLady speak) once every few hours for a while. Where's that time, lady? You can do this. Clutter and disorganization does not an incompetent mother make. You're a good mom. Can you get the kids involved more? Make them feel involved and proud of their home.

Just a thought. Feel better...you deserve it!

[nothemama8]

Have a giant garage sale
Angie

[wi_fighter]

I have a glassed-in front porch and a small room off the back porch that I could easily take just about everything in them and get rid of and not miss it. It would feel like taking 1000 pounds off my shoulders.

Something keeps me hanging on to it though, even things that are broken or I haven't used in years. Like, if I get rid of it today, I'll miraculously need it tomorrow.

I KNOW that doing this will lift my mood, my esteem, my self worth, and yet something always holds me back. Fear of letting things go maybe? I really don't know.

[wi_fighter]

Angie, that's what I'd like to do. Our town has a festival every year in June and one of the activities is a city-wide garage sale. You even get advertising free.

I just need some tips on how to set one up when I don't have tables or anything similar to put things on. Anyone have any suggestions for that? I know the kids would go for it, especially since we can use the money for something fun. It would be a kid's dream garage sale since we have so many books and stuffed animals.

I'm afraid I've hijacked my own thread. What does a garage sale have to do with self esteem?

[h0kie]

I am the same way! And my mother is too! However, this spring we rented a 20 yd dumpster and filled it to capacity (mostly stuff from the basement from when my grandparents lived here). The weight lifted was unbelievable!

I'm trying to make myself throw things away that I haven't used or worn in a year. It's hard to change your habits, but it is possible. Let me know if I can help. I make a good cheerleader. hehe

[nothemama8]

1 Garage sale = 1 clean house
1 garage sale +1 clean house =fun time money

[wi_fighter]

1day, I have a bunch of clothes in the basement that have been sitting on the floor for about two years. I wouldn't DREAM of even donating them to Goodwill anymore. But do you think I can force myself to throw them in the garbage and not have them staring at me every time I go to do wash? Of course not. It's throwing money away.


Sometimes I wonder if I like having reminders around the house of how much better of a Shirley I COULD be. Like, if I get rid of some of this junk and still don't feel better about myself, then what? Another failure to beat myself up about?

[LMo]

Continuing your hijack...

I never do garage sales anymore. I am now a Craigslistian. You have a digital camera, right? What I do when I clean is carry a paper bag or laundry basket from room to room with me, and drop whatever I can live without into the basket. Then I take a picture of my stuff to get rid of, post an ad on http://www.craigslist.org (there is a site for Milwaukee, if you live near it, and I think Madison), then store my "Craigslist" stuff in a spare bedroom until it sells. Whatever doesn't sell by the time I get sick of looking at it in the room goes to Goodwill a few times per year.

Another great organization for clothes is Dress for Success, which helps low income women obtain professional clothes.

[Kathyanita]

this has to do with self-esteem and i brought it up at a support meeting: in this world all adults ( and kids) are supposed to be multi-tasking all the time-
My point is that struggling with mental health issues and just folding the wash IS multi-tasking sometimes. . .on the outside people cant see the mental energy we're using to stay in the present and not get distracted and disoriented so they may say "all you did was fold?" but thats not all we"re doing while our minds are working at many different levels. We need to give all ourselves credit for being the multi-taskers under cover that we are.

[LMo]

Actually, I can also say that Craiglist also solved the 'friend' problem for me as well! When we first moved to Portland, I obviously did not have any friends since we didn't know anyone here. I sold a bunch of stuff and started buying furniture when we bought our house, and I have to say that the vast majority of my friends today are people I met on Craigslist, either by selling them something, doing plant/garden exchanges, buying something, and I met most of the women I bike ride with under 'activity partners'. It's a great site! But be careful, can be addictive!

[wi_fighter]

KA, what a great way to put it. Yep, my mind is always somewhere else than where it "should" be at the moment, so telling myself "you're going to clean now, you're going to get rid of stuff you don't need so you'll feel better when it's done" and then actually doing it is a task in itself.

What a great perspective. We really SHOULD give ourselves credit for the small things, shouldn't we?

[wi_fighter]

LMo, both Craigslist locations for WI are between 2 and 3 hours away. I'd probably have better luck trying out Freecycle. (Which I've joined on Yahoo Clubs, but haven't gotten around to doing anything with. I'm such a procrastinator).

[LMo]

Argh!

[wi_fighter]

I organized the DVDs last night. They were sprawled all over the place by theDVD player and the power cords were being taken over by dust bunnies. So I neatened them up and vacuumed up the bunnies. I now have about a 3' x 3' area of neatness by the TV. The rest of the 15' x 12' living room is still a mess though.

[Kathyanita]

that's big- i hate dusting and my corners have a lot of ingrown hares that i have to uproot soon- wish the dogs would quit shedding.

[wi_fighter]

hehehehe, ingrown hares? Good one. I'll have to remember that.

I don't know where all the dust comes from. I have lots of little drafts around doors and windows and baseboards, so that's my best guess. I have two cats, but the majority of them isn't cat hair.


My dust bunny problem is so proliferative (new ones pop up overnight) that taking care of them looks like I've done tons of housecleaning, so dusting doesn't really bother me. Hey, KA, how 'bout we trade? I'll come dust for you, you can come here and do the thing you like best.

[Kathyanita]

ok-
next time i get to my brothers - he's in Brodhead so i dont know how far away that is-
i polish all things metal , brass fixtures lamps towel bars light fixtures dishes whatever. . . maybe i just like the fumes. . .from the brasso

[wi_fighter]

Broadhead is about 3 hours away, but I grew up near there. They had a really nice public swimming pool that we'd go to once in a while. Come to think of it, that's the pool where I finally learned how to swim when I was 14. There was a little cheese shop at the edge of town that we'd stop at too. And for some reason, I remember their hardware store pretty well.

Brasso fumes? Ewwwww Reminds me of the Army and polishing my dress uniforn insignia.

P.S. Wonder what it is about Wisconsinites that we say how far away something is by time instead of miles? Kind of depends on how fast you drive, doesn't it?

[Rapunzel]

Wi, I know what you mean about letting clutter mess up your self-esteem. Somebody mentioned 27-fling boogies, which is a Flylady term. Have you looked at flylady.net ? I've done Flylady (off and on) for something over three years I guess. A lot of what you are saying tells me that she has a lot to offer you. She goes way beyond motivating you to declutter your house. It's about self-esteem too. If you subscribe to the email list, you get essays about changing your attitude and all sorts of stuff. Although the theme focuses on cleaning up, it's really about changing your whole outlook on life. She's been where we are - she left an abusive husband, went into the hospital for severe depression, and rose from there and now inspiring others is her mission in life. I highly recommend it.

On telling distance by how long it takes to get there, I wonder if that's related to all the Scandinavians that settled in your area of the country. That's how they (and other Europeans, and I guess lots of people internationally) tend to tell distance. People are fascinating, aren't they?

***hugs*** if you want them

[wi_fighter]

Hi Rapunzel. Yeah, that is cool to hear about the time/distance thing. I found a book at Goodwill titled Calling the Midwest Home and it's got all kinds of neat and weird facts about us (Midwesterners).

I signed up for Flylady about a month ago and never got any of her messages. I wonder if my email somehow blocked them. I got a ton of spam the other day, so I don't know why I wouldn't get something I signed up for, especially since Charter's spam filter is really ineffective. I'll have to try again and use a different address.