[LMo]

I am sitting here in a slump for a reason that probably seems completely ridiculous to everyone else.

I have been training for a 103 mile bike ride over the past two months, and completed it on Saturday. Made pretty good time, too. I was feeling terrific... until this morning. One of my friends emailed me a picture of our little "team" and not only am I the chubbiest of the 5 of us, but I was positively bulging out of my bike jersey. Yet I didn't realize it at the time.

I keep crying and eating today... haven't done an ounce of work.

What's ridiculous is:
1) I just did a 103 (ONE HUNDRED THREE) mile bike ride on Saturday. I should be proud, not ashamed of myself
2) I'm not exactly enormous... in fact, I probably look good to some people... but I now feel like an elephant.

I don't know how to stop this negative self-talk that keeps intruding my thoughts.

Just realized I forgot my lexapro yesterday and today though. However, that's not the solution...

[complic8d]

ONE HUNDRED & THREE MILES! Wow! Focus on that. ( I think a mile would kill me.) You are obviously in terrific shape to be able to accomplish that! Congratulations to you, you have a perfect reason to be very proud of yourself! Now, stop looking for the negative! And, I do know how easy that is to do. (hint: do not read my latest post ) I am just so impressed and I have no idea what you look like, nor do I care. Again, CONGRATULATIONS!

[LMo]

Thanks Complic8ed. How do I stop these stupid negative self-beatings? I'm incredibly defensive right now -- totally out of character for me. One of my friends just IM'ed me asking if I want to go to yoga tonight with her and the first thought that popped into my mind was:
"she wants me to go because I'm so fat".

Wow -- she was just asking because it would be fun to do together, but it was surreal how quickly how defensive and negative my immediate reaction was.

I'm not usually like this -- what is wrong with me???

[wi_fighter]

Ugh! I hate candid snapshots too. Every time I'd see a picture taken at some family gathering, I'd be horrified. I mean, do I REALLY look that bad? It's not the same person I see when I look in the mirror or when I take self portraits, or even the ones my kids have managed to take of me.

I'd chalk it up to bad lighting, bad camera angle, and a worse photographer. Yep, that's what I'd do.

[LMo]

i am having the worst day -- i can't stop crying uncontrollably

[inkblot]

That's alot of miles! Awesome job! Try not to focus on how you think you look in the picture--just accomplishing that sort of task is amazing--I am definitely impressed!!!

[CedarS]

Are you taking good care of important basics? Have you eaten well and recently? Getting enough water? Any chance that you can get some sleep? Or would taking a brisk walk be helpful?

[Mahali]

I have always found that the only way to combat negative self talk was with positive self talk. Keep the negativity in perspective like you actually are.

You are understanding that it is not rational. Keep repeating positve things to you and force yourself when you feel bad to do it.

Not an easy task I know. Sorry I can't offer more help.

103 miles is awsome. My guess is you are in great shape.

[LMo]

Thanks Inky and Sarah. Yes, I generally take pretty good care of myself. The weight has slowly crept on over the past year, and I had a really stressful winter and didn't exercise as I would normally do. I got stuck in an exercise rut and have been getting myself out of it over the past few weeks... the problem is the way I'm reacting to this darn photo of myself. I know I'm being irrational, but since this kind of feeling doesn't happen to me often, I don't know how to get myself out of it. It's like some external force is beaming nasty comments to my brain and I can't suppress receiving them. What can I do?

[LMo]

thanks Place -- we were just two ships that passed in the night -- you were replying to exactly what I was asking.

It's just that my head knows the truth but there is a big rift between my head and my emotions, and the bridge is out right now

[CedarS]

One idea would be to just let yourself cry and go through it, see what is on the other side. Another idea would be to watch something funny on TV, or find something on web, anything that might get a laugh out of you.

Another idea would be to sit down and write it out, in a journal, on paper, on computer, somewhere. Write out all the negatives, all the harsh tapes playing in your mind. Could vent and also get a look at what is going on, there in black and white on paper. Then could come up with the reasons why those things are not true, and also the positive true messages you could give yourself instead.

Could put on some music you love and dance! Dance around, wiggle, be silly, twirl, move around.

Anything you can think of that will help you feel safe and secure during this would be great to do. Teddy bear, favorite clothing, treat yourself super well.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((((((((((LMo)))))))))))))))))))))

Anyone who could accomplish the physical feat you did can't possible be looking that bad physically.

I am so sorry to hear you're strugging today. I don't know what to say, other than I've been there and I hear you.

Holds out arms and offers to hold you

[LMo]

Thanks Angela and Sarah.

I'm almost afraid to write the things that I'm thinking. I don't know why... maybe I'm afraid it would make it real or something. I think I'm going to have a glass of wine and lay down for a little while.

Thanks,
LMo

[neri]

I'm very familiar with that same feeling, I just don't photograph well I might be in denial, but YOU are just fine, i've seen your pic and I'd probably get a heart attack if i tried biking 103 MILES!!!!!!! WHOA!! I just drive if the trip is longer than the lenght of my car

I understand how u feel, trust me i'm not belittleing it, but what works for me (with this kind of stuff) is to just let it go. Forget the picture, shít happens there's a great freedom in not caring about how u look, others don't judge u by it so why should u? And if they do, well, you know what they are worth then. Let it go girl

(i'm so sorry if this doesn't work for u and makes u feel worse )

[LMo]

Hi Neri -- you know, I DON'T photograph well, but my friend who invited me to yoga said that she understood, that she would do her best to support me in a weight-loss effort and she knows that I can lose the extra pounds. It was both refreshing and mortifying to have my friend be honest with me rather than simply tell me that I look great.

Do others really not judge me by it? I don't know... I think they do. At my 15th high school reunion, the women were so unbelievably catty about how our fellow classmates had turned out. I actually left the bathroom and went to the building next door I was so disgusted. And god forbid I ever run into my ex-husband... he always told me I was fat even when I weighed 115 lbs, so I'd be horrified if he could see me now.

[gardenergirl]

LMo,
Perhaps your ex-husband's comments have led you to be extra sensitive about your weight? I know that I had an ex-fiance who was always critical of me. It took me a long time to counteract that damage.

A 103 mile bike ride is an absolutely amazing feat! I am so in awe.

When you find yourself thinking those negative thoughts, yell to yourself in your head "STOP!", and then remmind yourself of all your healthy habits. And of your other good qualities.

You are a complete and whole person, and your weight does not matter a whit to us. My goodness, you are a hero for accomplishing that ride!

gg

[jmo531]

LMO!!!!!!!! First off congrats on the 103. That is great. I was thinking along the lines of Place as well. It's part (of many things) of what I am working on in therapy. I constantly point out the negative in myself and this is because I always have and it is easy to do. It sounds dumb I know, say 5 things about your self everyday that are positive. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have beautiful hair and soft skin or something along those lines. When you do something outside or even within your home, praise yourself for your accomplishements. If you start to focus on the negative again, dont judge yourself, dont feel bad. Just start again. Put a sticky note on the lamp next to your bed at night that says "I am wonderful". When you wake up in the morning it will be the first thing you see. Little things make a big difference. Take care LMO. Much love.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Lee Ann --

As others have written, this is an incredible, wonderful, amazing, stupendous, glorious feat.

There is some recent research about how women who are slightly overweight and exercise are healthier than skinny ones who don't.

As you've noted, it's not the weight that's the issue here, it's the extreme response to the photograph and the perception of "weight.". So, yes, maybe you do want to step up exercise. But the real overhaul is turning our attention to the positive. Always a momentous task for me.

[SeptemberMorn]

I love you! I have always loved you from the time we met! You're a wonderfully gregarious person, so active in everything good! You're not only physically strong but emotionally as well.

Hey! Do me a favor. Go stand in front of a full length mirror and get up on your tippy toes. What do you see? A heartshape perhaps? Clench your leg muscles and feel your outter thighs. Does it feel like a rock under the sking? I'll just bet it does!

You're a photographer. You know that the camera always adds ten pounds, right? Pictures are never exact reproductions of the subject.

With all the strenous exercise you've been doing lately, suppose there's some water trapped between those muscles? Um... what time of the month was it when the pic was taken?

Enough of that. Go check out that heartshape in your calf! LOL I'll bet it's beautiful!!

[misty]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((LMO))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mortimer]

I think you're awesome, and I think it's better to be heathy and a little bit chubby then skinny and not. Girl, how much would it take out of somone to bike like that and get a good time? Yea, you know what? Not me, I wouldn't do that for money. And I agree with SC, I don't think you could be very bad if you could do something like that!

I can't get my thoughts very good right now, I don't know if I could if I could give you any advice, I just want to say I think the exact opposite of all the negitives going through your head, and you should too. *hug* You rock, and I'm here for you luv.

[h0kie]

Another thing to consider is that people are different shapes and sizes. My family doctor told me once that I would never weigh 105lbs. My body frame isn't like that.

As cliche as it sounds, I have "bigger" bones. He suggested I look at my wrist, as you don't gain a lot of weight there. My wrists are larger than most. In fact, I can't wear most standard size bracelets. I need them just a bit longer.

In college, I had a good friend that dove for the university. When she was diving she weighed right around 100lbs. She was a little woman. Not petite, little. People are all different and that is good.

To ride 103 miles, you have to be in great shape. Don't let your ex-husband's comments (which show his insecurity) come back and make you feel bad.

[nothemama8]

LMo, please ignore the pic, as long as your health and girl you have ta be after that many miles, hey kid I'm so over weight but ya know what my hubby loves me just the way I'am, and so do I, you just collected winter padding it will go away
Angie

[sqrlb8]

Hi Lmo, I get those crying jags, as part of my depression cycle, the bad ones. This doesn't likely connect to your weight, health, ex or anything else for that matter. Although, it's easy enough for me to name anything I look at as "the reason" when the tears are flowing unchecked, in the end it was just me.

If you are on meds, my guess would be that an adjustment might be in order. There are some things like Zyprexa which are versatile in that they will stop a variety of inner "disturbances" and right away. What you describe sounds like that kind of crisis to me.

I guess all I really have to offer here is the idea that looking at the "why's" for your tears doesn't seem fruitful. I don't get that this is "about" anything. Does that make sense?

I cried for two weeks straight once. I'm afraid of that now every time I cry over a sad movie. "What if I never stop?" For me, its a brain chemistry shift.

TC, you'll be right again, but soon I hope.

sqrl.

[LMo]

Ahhhh.... I'm much better today. Thank you all! (((sqrlb8, angie, 1day, mort, lrks, Sept, Wants2, jmo, gg, neri, sarah, WiFi, angela, place, inky, complic8ed, pat)))

Sqrl - I think you're right. I had accidentally forgotten to take my lexapro for a few days and I think I was coming down off it. It just didn't make sense FOR ME to go through that for something irrational. I don't melt down that easily over little things. But it's very weird how the same brain held totally opposing beliefs -- that I'm both enormous and just fine -- at the same time. Ha - my poor husband did not know what to do when he came home - I don't think he's ever seen me like that before. Anyway, I think I'm back to my old self now, but will discuss it with my doctor just to be sure it was the medication (or lack of). I'm on a really low dose - 10mg/day - so I didn't immediately pin the problem on missing it.

Anyway, thanks all. You guys are the best!