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  #1  
Old Jul 12, 2012, 11:22 AM
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Christina86 Christina86 is offline
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As given to me by my therapist. I'm at a loss as to what kind of answer is expected here ... any help that someone might be able to offer would be much appreciated. Even if you're doing it using yourself as an example, any sort of template or answer might help me think.

Questions:
What qualities that a Christina who was worthy of being loved and appreciated would have.
What qualities would Christina have to give up or resolve in order to be worthy of being loved?

This all ties into my problem of feeling/being loved but I'm not sure what the therapist is expecting out of this.
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  #2  
Old Jul 12, 2012, 12:37 PM
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Puffyprue Puffyprue is offline
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Can you start with a compliment that you get from others?

and put it on the list why you are deserved to be loved
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Thanks for this!
Christina86
  #3  
Old Jul 12, 2012, 04:38 PM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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Hi, this may help but sorry if I go this wrong and I am not the best person with these things but even so this is my take on it. Once, personally, myself when I was in CBT I was asked what a happy person would be like or look like to me… in regards to personality traits and the way they present themselves to others. My answer doesn’t really matter here but I was shock when the T pointed out this isn’t what happy is like or really is like. All that I had just said to her was in her opinion what I think of other people and how I perceive others to be like. Actually she was right what I said wasn’t true of being happy in general or it applying to myself. What I describe to her in my reply of what being happy as person is or like in some sense, was really what I used to self-defeat myself. I compare myself and then viewed myself as being horrible because there was no way I could live up to what I perceived being happy was like. But actually I was just comparing myself unrealistically to others when no one is the same or deals with the same things in the same way.

This may help you understand in some ways, but I can’t be sure this is how your T is trying to get you to view this. Please, I may have this wrong and I am sure you will figure out what and how those questions relate to you personally. But I think your T is trying to get you to think about how realistically what you would be like if those comments applied to you. Not what you think of those comments in general but how would they apply to you. If you could take away those barriers in some respects. Also maybe think of it as in the future, if you moved past this and were looking back on how you have changed. What would you be like in that future time considering those questions to how you are now?

I am sorry if I got this wrong or wasn’t helpful… and this is just only my take on this and I am sure you know I don’t really have a clue myself. I hope you don’t mind my reply.
Thanks for this!
Christina86
  #4  
Old Jul 12, 2012, 09:35 PM
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shezbut shezbut is offline
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Well, Christina, I think that the Q's are meant to challenge whatever flaws that you perceive yourself to hold.

Break the Q down to a faceless person. Just a similar person to yourself in general. What personality characteristics would that person have, in order to be loveable, even though they share a similar past as you. Or, do you view others with a similar past to be unlovable? (probably not, we're a LOT easier on others than we are on ourselves.) Chances are good that you'll still find that person to be worthy of love of oneself and the love from others.

Next, what traits do you really hold against yourself? Can you let go of these traits, and learn new, healthier traits to replace them & make yourself feel more worthy of other people's love?

I can REALLY relate to your problem answering these Q's, as I feel the same way towards myself. I hold myself to higher standards. To perfection. Perfection isn't possible, I know that, but that knowledge does not subdue my deep desire to push myself.

Just a couple of days ago, my T and I got into a similar discussion. I kick myself for not being perfect at anything & everything. I know, I sound like an idiot because these desires are absolutely impossible! I know that. Rather than accepting that I do better than many others at ___, I focus on myself not being the best. For me, it's not in competition to put others down. That's not it at all! My focus on perfection is due to my inability to accept compliments given to me ~ rather than continue to put myself down.

My T's point is that I need to keep it simple & accept that I'm doing pretty well at _____. And leave it at that! Maybe simply telling myself statements like these over and over again will ingrain that positive thought pathway into my brain, instead of sticking with the current negative pathway.

I hope that my response helps you somewhat, or at least makes you feel a little better about struggling with such a tough issue to get through!
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Last edited by shezbut; Jul 12, 2012 at 09:37 PM. Reason: ....
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  #5  
Old Jul 13, 2012, 08:59 PM
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Christina86 Christina86 is offline
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Thanks you three for replying to me, you've given me a lot to think about, and a lot of good insight and advice. At least this makes my homework a little bit easier to visualize!
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Self esteem 'homework'. Any help appreciated.
  #6  
Old Jul 13, 2012, 09:44 PM
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krisakira krisakira is offline
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Those are some really good questions given by your T, Christina. It will help you define what you believe "worthiness" is in a person. I can't answer it for you, of course, but I hope you can think of some good answers for yourself. I think it can really be helpful. People generalize things a lot, and to write down specific qualities will make it easier to look at what you value, and if you can find value within yourself. Some other good questions are "What do you want to be like, and how can you get there?" That way you can come up with a plan for yourself and what you would like to accomplish in life.
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Self esteem 'homework'. Any help appreciated.

Self esteem 'homework'. Any help appreciated.
Thanks for this!
Christina86
  #7  
Old Jul 26, 2012, 02:40 AM
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FooZe FooZe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Christina86 View Post
This all ties into my problem of feeling/being loved but I'm not sure what the therapist is expecting out of this.
It sounds to me like an invitation to look at whatever is between you and feeling loved.
Thanks for this!
Crew
  #8  
Old Jul 26, 2012, 01:19 PM
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Perna Perna is offline
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I use to have a fantasy game where I pretended that I had a magically unconscious friend but I had no memory (had only been told she and I were best friends) and I had to figure out what would wake her. It necessitated my figuring out what sort of friend I would like to have (Good sense of humor? Do I like music? What kind? Maybe we bonded over music and I could hum/sing a particular type of song?) I had to "remember" myself, what I liked (reading, for example) and then figure out, we had to have something in common to meet in the first place and want to be friends and then extrapolating that the other person would have a similar list about me; who wants to be friends with someone who is "a worthless loser"?

In order to accept love, one would have to give up thinking poorly of one's self or they'd be stuck unable to accept what love was given.

I had my car break down and my husband was unavailable. It looked like my car was not fixable and the owner of the gas station where I was had his grandmother's car for sale which just happened to be exactly the car of my dreams. I could "afford" it but it was several thousand dollars, dare I buy it without my husband knowing/saying okay? Suddenly I remembered my husband saying to me, "I trust your judgment" and, since I trust his I looked at my decisions and saw that, yes, they were good decisions! So, I thought through my car problem and this solution again and it appeared to be a good solution so I bought the car! It was scary but. . .

So, I could not put it on my charge card because the gas station "brand" (I think it was a Shell) did not allow their owners to mix business with personal stuff; he put half of it on there to "hold" it and let me drive the car home and I agreed to come back before 7:00 (when he would be leaving/the station would be closing?) with a check/cash for the whole thing, the title, all that and we'd make the switch (he was taking my car in trade and was going to give it to one of his mechanics who needed a car and let him "fix" it if he could, at cost so he'd have a car).

My husband, who had been off on adventures of his own all day, comes home and I come out of the house (it was like half an hour before the time period was up) babbling at him at top speed and he just sits there, trying to understand what is going on. My car isn't there and there's a strange car where my car should be, LOL. He later told me he was afraid to get out of the car until he knew what was going on. But it turned out I was right; the car was great for 3-4 years until it was in an accident and then the insurance company gave me almost as much as I'd paid for it 3-4 years previously! I got a good deal and my next car was the exact same kind.
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  #9  
Old Aug 17, 2012, 12:29 AM
dagorelbrab dagorelbrab is offline
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those are all very good i thought, , , no matter what we desire or fear or love or think smells bad, there is an underlying reasoning for it, we could look for that for ever and not break thru the barriers the minds will often put up to keep us out, so we look for the side of the wall, or the top and try to sneak in, in an effort to solve this problem we are having, but all sometimes that wall pushes us away so strongly, that we are unable to look directly at it and get trapped in one feeling or another, maybe if we explore what love means to you, how you came to that description, we could begin to explore ways that you can find a way out of that hole you feel you might be in,
  #10  
Old Aug 17, 2012, 02:10 PM
Allinmyhead Allinmyhead is offline
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Christina, I would say the answer to Q1 is ANY and the answer to Q2 is NONE!

I carried around similar thoughts of being unlovable for many, many years; justifying those thoughts from a failed 20 year marriage, several close friendships that ended, and conflict with family members. It wasn't until just recently when I realized that it was me who didn't love me. And that's what I've been focusing on for the past nine+ months and will continue to define myself, accept myself, and finally, love myself.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I wish you the best in finding the answers that help you!!
  #11  
Old Aug 19, 2012, 01:36 AM
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growlycat growlycat is offline
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One way to look at it is--- are you holding yourself to a different standard than you do other people? If someone in front of you was sad, anxious, etc etc, would you see them as unlovable? Probably not right? So why the harsh standard for your own qualities?
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