[rise__above]

How does one overcome intense jealousy? I have incredibly low self esteem, and while I find myself to be an amazing, attractive person when I'm alone...I compare myself to others constantly when I am in public.

I also experience jealousy in my relationship. I get majorly depressed if my partner admits finding /anyone/ attractive, or if they look at anyone I deem more attractive than myself.

Sappy 'You're Beautiful' quotes have never helped. I want to know if anyone has actual tips for this problem.

[hamster-bamster]

It is a problem of incorrect conceptualization and as such should be treated via doing thinking in your mind.

You need to see and accept the following basic truths:

1) You might be beautiful, but you are not the only beautiful woman on Earth.

2) People cannot be ranked, in general. Some people have green eyes and some brown. Some tall some short. Some bigger some smaller. In the absence of the ability to come up with an ordinal ranking or at least something along those lines, making comparisons between individuals is useless and should not be done. Also, each human is unique and should be appreciated for her uniqueness, and not scored according to some parameters.

3) Your partner is with you for a number of reasons including but not limited to your attractiveness.

4) Your partner is an adult with full decision making capacity and is with you on his free will. It follows that he must find you amazing enough.

I hope you can internalize those, and when you have internalized them fully, your problem will go away.

Some corollaries from the above:

1) When and if he stops finding you amazing enough, you will deal with that situation as you then see fit. Trying to prepare for that situation is futile.

2) Your partner's capacity for esthetic and sexual attraction is a good thing and you would not be with him if he did not have this capacity. His exercise of the capacity to be attracted is a good thing, in and of itself. So if he finds anybody else attractive, it is not a bad thing - it means that he a is alive, which is not bad. So he should not be saying that he "admits" that because you admit to doing something reprehensible and finding another human being attractive is not reprehensible.

3) If you stop ranking people, you will stop deeming others more attractive than yourself.

***

The problem is common but is fully due to those mis-conceptualizations. Low esteem is not a great thing to have, but if you conceptualize correctly, it should help even in the presence of a low self-esteem.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, and I point out beautiful women to my male partners myself on my own initiative. I do not mind the reverse either.

You will feel in control and not at his mercy. Much recommended.

It is not why I started doing it many years ago, but I can see how it has had this collateral benefit. The sooner you adopt my practice, the better you will feel.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

Sappy 'You're Beautiful' quotes have never helped.

They have never helped because they are irrelevant. They were meant as irrelevant and useless cheerleading, so you correctly filed them as "sappy".

Your overwhelming problem is not that you do not know that you are beautiful, but that you do not realize that it is a good thing and not a bad thing that there are other beautiful women out there.

[rise__above]

Thank you for your advice. I don't think I will follow the 'pointing out attractive people to my partner' tip, though.

Immature as it is, I hate not being able to rank myself against other people. I desperately want to be the best at something, especially being most attractive. Although I'm completely aware that this is unhealthy.

[rise__above]

(Also, I appreciate your comments but I'd rather you not assume my gender. I prefer they/them pronouns.)

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

Thank you for your advice. I don't think I will follow the 'pointing out attractive people to my partner' tip, though.

Immature as it is, I hate not being able to rank myself against other people. I desperately want to be the best at something, especially being most attractive. Although I'm completely aware that this is unhealthy.

no, no, no, I was NOT saying that it was unhealthy. Or immature.

Unhealthy and immature are value judgments, as if I were telling you what to do.

I was saying that it is objectively impossible, because both brown and blue eyes are beautiful, so you cannot compare them.

I am not saying that you are doing something wrong - I am saying that you are trying to do a thing that is impossible to do.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

(Also, I appreciate your comments but I'd rather you not assume my gender. I prefer they/them pronouns.)

Usually, and overwhelmingly, these issues present in women. I was not making an arbitrary assumption in using the female pronoun, but making the statistically more frequent assumption.

I will now use they/them.

[rise__above]

Sorry if it seemed like I was accusing you of telling me it was wrong. I was saying that myself. I personally believe it is wrong. But I see where you are coming from.

When I think of myself as being just as special as everyone else, I lose my identity and feel empty.

[rise__above]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Usually, and overwhelmingly, these issues present in women. I was not making an arbitrary assumption in using the female pronoun, but making the statistically more frequent assumption.

I will now use they/them.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

I desperately want to be the best at something, especially being most attractive.

If you want to be the best at something, and want it desperately, you should choose something other than being attractive to excel in.

You should choose something for which there is an objective numerical ordinal ranking and which does not depend on the tastes of other people.

Running races and getting the best grade in a class that is being graded on a curve are two obvious options. Running races is the better option because when you are being graded by a professor, there is subjective judgment by the professor present. In running races, you will not run into this issue.

[rise__above]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If you want to be the best at something, and want it desperately, you should choose something other than being attractive to excel in.

You should choose something for which there is an objective numerical ordinal ranking and which does not depend on the tastes of other people.

Running races and getting the best grade in a class that is being graded on a curve are two obvious options. Running races is the better option because when you are being graded by a professor, there is subjective judgment by the professor present. In running races, you will not run into this issue.

That makes sense. I don't feel that I really have any skills or talents, though. This is why I hang on my looks so much. Because it is something I have inherently.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

When I think of myself as being just as special as everyone else, I lose my identity and feel empty.

it is an oxymoron to say "just as special as everyone else" - a person is uniquely special, not unlike any other person on this planet.

If you do indeed feel a loss of identity and do feel empty, then I take it back - I take my original advice back. Originally, I thought the problem was that of incorrect conceptualization, and such problems are fixable by working through your mind logically.

The feeling empty and the feel of loss of an identity are very deep emotional and self-actualization issues and I think you will need therapy for them. I am still glad I started with this idea of incorrect conceptualization, though, because I believe that it prompted you to realize that you react with losing a sense of identity.

What you report is unusual. It is not a jealousy issue per se. Nor a self-esteem issue per se. It is a bigger issue. I hope you will get support for that. Do you have a therapist?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

This is why I hang on my looks so much. Because it is something I have inherently.

Hanging on to looks so much is a bad long-term strategy because looks might change as you age.

Nothing wrong with caring about being attractive, but becoming dependent, in your sense of identity, on something so temporal and fleeting as looks, is dangerous in the long run. Not an immediate danger, though.

[rise__above]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

it is an oxymoron to say "just as special as everyone else" - a person is uniquely special, not unlike any other person on this planet.

If you do indeed feel a loss of identity and do feel empty, then I take it back - I take my original advice back. Originally, I thought the problem was that of incorrect conceptualization, and such problems are fixable by working through your mind logically.

The feeling empty and the feel of loss of an identity are very deep emotional and self-actualization issues and I think you will need therapy for them. I am still glad I started with this idea of incorrect conceptualization, though, because I believe that it prompted you to realize that you react with losing a sense of identity.

What you report is unusual. It is not a jealousy issue per se. Nor a self-esteem issue per se. It is a bigger issue. I hope you will get support for that. Do you have a therapist?

Thank you. I believe I suffer from borderline personality disorder, so I think my 'lack of identity' stems from that.

I have no therapist, but I want one.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

Thank you. I believe I suffer from borderline personality disorder, so I think my 'lack of identity' stems from that.

I have no therapist, but I want one.

I think that it is a great insight about borderline because both emptiness and lack of identity are symptomatic of borderline. So you seem right on!

I have a great intern therapist, just so that you know that there is this option for people who cannot afford a licensed therapist.

[rise__above]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think that it is a great insight about borderline because both emptiness and lack of identity are symptomatic of borderline. So you seem right on!

I have a great intern therapist, just so that you know that there is this option for people who cannot afford a licensed therapist.

My friend was diagnosed with borderline, and we have always had extremely similar personalities and issues, so I looked into it myself. I want to get a therapist and ask if they feel that I have it.

How did you get your therapist?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

My friend was diagnosed with borderline, and we have always had extremely similar personalities and issues, so I looked into it myself. I want to get a therapist and ask if they feel that I have it.

How did you get your therapist?

On Psychology today online, by putting my zip code.

I also know that jealousy is common in borderline. So everything seems consistent, and when you talk to therapists trying to select one, tell him or her right away that you suspect borderline.

[rise__above]

Thank you very much for your comments. I'll definitely be trying to work on this issue soon. Hopefully I get a therapist, too.

[rise__above]

So tired of this. Got extremely furious today because I learned my partner is still friends/acquaintances with their ex's. My jealousy made me feel so angry. I had to leave, told them I needed to be alone. Came home and punched things (way that I SI) and broke a CD that they made for me.

They don't understand why I get angry that they're still in contact with people they used to date. They said they understand discomfort, but not anger or jealousy. This just made me more frustrated. I haven't been this angry in years.

I want to kill their ex's. I am just so furious. I hate my partner right now. I feel so trapped in these feelings.

[hamster-bamster]

The partner made you frustrated because they denied your feelings. Your feelings of jealousy and anger are real. They should not have said they did not understand them. They should have said that from their point of view, they could related to a feeling of discomfort, but not to feelings of jealousy and anger. Had they phrased it that way, you would not have been felt that you are wrong feeling the feelings that you do feel.

While you do not have a right to limit your partner's contacts with their ex's, you should have a right to talk about your feelings without having those feelings censored or made appear "wrong".

It is a fine line.

As long as you just want to kill their ex's but do not have a homicidal plan, you are OK.

[rise__above]

Furious again. Saw their ex on facebook. So mad because my partner's favorite bands were/are their ex's favorites. I feel like everytime they listen to the music, it must remind them of their ex. I hate this. I feel so angry.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rise__above

Furious again. Saw their ex on facebook. So mad because my partner's favorite bands were/are their ex's favorites. I feel like everytime they listen to the music, it must remind them of their ex. I hate this. I feel so angry.

Rise_Above,

...your partner's ex is their ex because at some point they were your partner's partner... otherwise they would not have been able to acquire the EX status...

...it is unlikely that your partner chose the EX (then current partner) RANDOMLY...

...so there must have been some commonality between them...

...yes, it could be the case that your partner reminisces about their ex when they listen to the music; it does not have to be the case, but very well might be the case...

...but so what? do you want your partner to erase their history to date? disown their past?..

...why would you want that?..

..you like the partner as a package, the partner's being what they are as a result of having lived their live the way they have.. you cannot separate the partner from the past... nor would it be interesting for you.. you would not want to be with a person who has no record of living their life other than admiring you... it would be way too boring.

ALSO...

... since you are a young person, you should realize that chances are high that eventually you will split up with the current partner...

... so, I bet that you would them to remember you even though you might split up with them...

...I certainly care about how my former partners remember me. Say, a few days ago I sent a poem that was meaningful to us to my first bf, after having been out of touch for close to two decades. I sent it on his birthday. He responded saying how pleased he was that I remembered the birthday and the poem... and thanked me. I liked that. I would not want my first bf to have erased me from his memory.

...I do not know about you, but if you think about it, you might find out that you would eventually care about how your then ex partner remembers you. You might prefer that they think of you when they listen to the bands you both like...

..if you determine that you would want to be remembered, then it will be easier for you to accept that your partner remembers their ex...

...sharing the liking of the same music bands is typical for partners... people bond with one another over liking the same music...