just wish i could feel good about myself again...

I have had 2 failed businesses, a series of broken relationships in the past, dealing with the aftermath of childhood neglect, poor self image, weight gain after having a baby, numerous infidelities on his part, and I JUST FREAKING HATE MYSELF!!! just want to love myself again and feel good about myself again, feeling just lost.

bluegirl, I too have struggled with childhood neglect/abuse, poor self image/esteem and problems with my weight. I still struggle with them and other issues. Right now, I am overweight and isolating myself because I am sick. But, even though I am currently in an overall bad state for some reason I am feeling slightly better today. I know it won't last but I'm trying to appreciate at least this one day. Life sucks when you hate yourself. I have to constantly work on it. Hang in there.....D.

I can totally relate. There are days when I feel like the scum of the earth. My self esteem was always poor, I used to say about 3 on the 1-10 scale. At my worst during my breakdown it was about -135. I do better now, but it is still tough. I know why, my father use to explicitly tell me I was so much human garbage. The illogical part is that l know better intellectually. As a teenager, all I had was academics, not allowed by the abuser to have friends, a job, do activities. So, I excelled. Straight A student, co-Valedictorian. College was harder, I did poorly in some classes, which trashed my self image again, and switched majors a few times. Family came down on me as not successful enough, even though I did graduate with honors, they didn't approve of my career choice.

Even now, it makes no sense to me that I feel like the dregs of humanity. I have 2 college degrees now, one with a perfect 4.0 gpa. I went back and got professional certification in my current field and then advanced certification in a specialty area of my field. I've worked full time since the Monday after I graduated from college at 22, and I am close to 50. At my current job, I am my boss's right hand man and he praises my work all the time to clients. Own a house outright, financially stable, my only brush with the law ever was a speeding ticket. And I consider myself a very nice guy.

Yet I feel like the lowest of the low, like I am a felon or something.

bluegirl, I think there are several issues in your post. You mention childhood abuse and no one deserves that. None of that was your fault. Others just couldn't see the beauty in your soul. Relationship problems...is there a pattern? Do you push away or become clingy? When we're not feeling very good about ourselves it's difficult to develop a healthy relationship with others. You say he cheats on you. I'm thinking that this is hurtful, too. Business failures.....whose idea for the business...yours or his. The economy is difficult for start up companies. There may be mistakes you made in business operations, but there may not be, either. It could just have been a matter of timing.

Seems to me that some introspection may be helpful. Spend time thinking of your perfect relationship. Describe the qualities of your ideal partner. Really think of all phases of a relationship, from the tube on the tooth brush on. When you know exactly what you want in a then you have to decide if it's possible to have that relationship with your husband.

You've had some major stressors. A new baby, business problems and relationship problems are quite a load, especially when they are all piled on at one time.

I'm not saying that all this will be fixed quickly. It will be step by step. And while you're doing this work, I hope you will examine what brings you happiness and develop a road map of sorts of how you want your life to be. Nothing about the past can be changed, and you will probably always remember it some. But you have a chance to change direction so that you will be able to do the things you want to do and be around people who share your interests and values. You can make things different. I'm not saying it's quick or easy, but if you really want something you can find it. Be well, and be good to yourself.

I am sorry for your pain. I feel the same way, I am lost and trying to find myself. I was mentally abused. So I know how it hurts when you feel like a parent doesn't love you