How can you find it in yourself to love yourself when even the tiniest bit of pride or praise makes you feel dirty? (And often more worthless because you know you don't deserve it.)

When you've tried to do something good for someone and they are grateful but you feel happy that you've helped them and then you start to think you're being selfish and clearly only did it to make yourself feel better...

When someone tells you you've done something well and that small glimmer of pride makes you feel as though you're being self aggrandizing and narcissistic...

Where do you start?

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

How can you find it in yourself to love yourself when even the tiniest bit of pride or praise makes you feel dirty? (And often more worthless because you know you don't deserve it.)

In my case, praise starts off making me feel good, but quickly devolves into disgust because they must be stupid to think anything I did was praise worthy, and too stupid to see I'm really a phony.

When you've tried to do something good for someone and they are grateful but you feel happy that you've helped them and then you start to think you're being selfish and clearly only did it to make yourself feel better...

Oh, you mean when I walked around the grocery store building to bring the little blanket to the homeless guy because it was getting cold...felt good about that for about a minute then told my boss who bytched at me because he said the homeless guy will 'just keep hanging around now' and was disappointed my boss didn't recognize my altruistic nature---except...why DID I give the bum a blanket??? He didn't even say thank you.

When someone tells you you've done something well and that small glimmer of pride makes you feel as though you're being self aggrandizing and narcissistic...

Yes, that.

Where do you start?

I think its been so long that the nothing bleeds off any interest in 'starting'...I'm good when I have a partner. But then again, I don't see good in me UNLESS I have someone to spoil, do things for, love. They deserve it, I tell myself, even when they obviously don't.

But you can't explain a negative, using a negative as reason. So, I'm just rooted to the spot. Probably forever. bleh

[CANDC]

Betenoire, A wise elder said that the reason we help others is to help ourselves. That is not a bad thing that is just how we are. People who say they are totally selfless may be exaggerating on the truth. Both people benefit from this helping. What is important is you act on your compassionate impulses. That is a wonderful thing.

[glok]

Hello again, BeteNoire. You can start by changing your name. It is a constant reminder of what you think of yourself. The negativity is not warranted.

15 Common Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Fixing Cognitive Distortions | Psych Central
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Negative Self Talk: Top 10 Things NOT to Say to Yourself | NLP Discoveries
Speaking Kindly to Ourselves
25 More Statements for Speaking Kindly to Ourselves | Weightless

You must have had a very difficult childhood.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...%3B-crime.html

I wish you well.

Upon further thought. It also works in reverse. When criticized or put down beneath the hurt there is a level of satisfaction underneath that. That I've been proven right. That I am that horrible/evil/worthless person I believe myself to be.

I reluctantly admit you may be right about the user name, glok.

I have no idea what to change it to though.

Any ideas? Preferably nothing too extreme in the opposite direction. lol

I can't handle anything implying I'm good. It feels like a lie.

[CANDC]

This dictionary translates Bete Noire pet hate bête noire translation English | French dictionary | Reverso
They also have the French for Dark Night nuit d'encre
or midnight is bleu nuit
basically that would be as in dark night of the soul - like what we are all going through

[Perna]

I would look at the whole (your post) from an outside point of view, as if I were reading what someone else had written. What jumped to mind for me is that you are slapping down the praise in case it is true.

If someone else says you did something well, you might feel like you always have to do that or things like that well from here on out? Or, you might be warding off when you inevitably make a mistake and do something poorly.

I would reframe things, look at them in reverse order. Mistakes are good! You cannot learn without mistakes. You want to make mistakes so you know what to practice. Thank someone for giving you praise but think yourself into being a bit disappointed that you did not learn anything new, did not get an "assignment", learn a secret made just for you.

Also learn to differentiate types of praise. Someone commenting positively on your looks or clothes or "things" about you, that praise is ho-hum because it is not really something you "did" personally. Yes, I'm fortunate in my ancestors that I have good hair Even someone saying I have a good sense of direction (got from point A to point B well) or am "honest" or "nice". Ho hum, sense of direction is genetic and some of honest and nice is and some of it was beaten into me by my stepmother

Getting an "A" on a paper you have written, that is different and, for me, has lots of booby traps. If I know I did not "do my best" or procrastinated until the last minute, etc. then, yes, it can feel like cheating but, again, I feel like I'm cheating because it is partially genetic, built in? It is "ho hum" time and disappointment in myself for not working harder on it. But the other person does not have to get involved in that! That's my problem, not theirs. They are admiring the paper, doesn't matter how I got there, I will take "responsibility" for myself and my paper, this one they have judged good and I will thank them and take note that if I decide I want to write I do not have to "worry" about my procrastination and other bad habits because I'll probably do okay no matter what. So, I quit fighting with myself over procrastination and just concentrate on what I want. . . to write. It is hard, the procrastination wants to get in the way and all the other bad habits but I have time to work with that, whittle away at it by making myself do what I want, sitting myself in a chair and working on whatever for 10 minutes, etc. If I get an A with "no" effort, think what could happen with a "little" effort? It's an exciting idea to try, might help one blow past the crap standing in the way.

Long story short? Figure out what is behind your individual reaction (only you can figure that out) and be glad you have that reaction. I was very anxious, why I was in therapy, but came to understand that my defenses were extremely good! I had the portcullis down, drawbridge up, the alligators in the moat alerted and men on the ramparts with boiling oil before whoever I felt was threatening me could blink! I was taking care of myself! So, I could dare a bit more because I was so very prepared to defend. I could take a moment extra to "see what happens" and decide for myself if I was in trouble or wanted to go on another moment.

Do that with praise. Say "thank you" and then keep concentrating on what they said instead of what you immediately throw up in your head? "You did a good job on the Smythe project". Look at the project and how it came out instead of the "you did" portion. Someone liked it. Okay, you have to accept that because it is someone else's opinion. You don't have to marry the person or even agree that it was your best work, you just have to agree that they liked it. Give yourself a few moment to think about that before you go into "but I should have. . ." mode? Eventually you will get tired of the conflict and move on to something more productive.

[BeGentle]

Where do you start? You just did! You recognize how you're feeling and you're expressing the feelings and wanting to change and treat yourself better. It's really tough to do, but the one thing that helps me is crushing the negative self-talk when it kicks in and replacing it with positive self-talk. Practice, Practice, Practice. It works and takes time and effort. Also, when I mess up, which is all the time, instead of being super self-critical, I just get back up on the horse and TRY again.