how to overcome insecurity

hey everyone
i have a problem that has been bothering me for my whole life. rationally, i have no reason to be insecure. i don t look bad, i am smart, i am doing well in life, i travel a lot, i have lots of friends, etc. i get along with myself, i dont hate myself, i think i have a healthy relationship with myself (most of the time at least). but still, i am SO insecure. i am scared what others might think about me so it is really hard for me to make new friends and speak up in a group of new people. i never speak in class even if i am the only one who knows the answer. i ruin every relationship because of my insecurities.
at the moment i am struggling to write an essay, the deadline is tomorrow. many times people have told me i have an exceptional talent for writing. and it paralyzes me. i cannot write a blog, i cannot write in my spare time. i would stare at a blank page thinking nothing i come up with is good enough. if i have to do something i know i am not really good at, it is no problem for me, because i know it won t be perfect anyway. and obviously i know perfection is impossible to acheive. and the essay has to be in english, which is not my first language, but again, as i am supposed to be quite good in english, it is really hard because i cannot help but think that what i had written is rubbish and should have been so much better. if i was to hand it in anonymously, i don t think i d be having this problem. but to know that someone will judge ME personally, based on a skill i am supposed to have.....daunting! i just want to get over this, but i dont know how. any advice would be welcome thank you

Welcome to PC tangerine 345. The idea of self-compassion as opposed to self-esteem really helped me after watching this video. Kristin Neff (in the video) is an expert on this topic. Her web site is www.self-compassion.org.

that website is great!

self compassion is a new concept for me, but makes perfect sense.

You say the things you're doing aren't good enough. Good enough for who?

It sounds like there's an expectation that's been instilled in you that you're trying to live up to. Do you're parents expect the best out of you and you're afraid of letting them down or maybe you're afraid of letting yourself down?

You've obviously had labels put on your that you're afraid of not living up to. Everyone says you're a good writer and you're trying to live up to that label. Accept the compliment, but don't let it define you.

Self compassion is tough for me. I'm super hard on myself, everyone tells me that. I just can't seem to cut myself slack for not being perfect at everything. I'm working on it, though. My therapist always tells me to imagine I'm someone else that has the same imperfection. Wouldn't I be kind to them? Of course I would. So that helps me be a little nicer to myself.

If you ruin every relationship, how come you have lots of friends?

Other than that, the post makes sense. You need to learn a very important lesson. People are self-absorbed, for the most part. All your fears, insecurities, and irrationality have one common basis - the (mistaken) belief that the world stands still, anxiously waiting for an opportunity to read and criticize your essay. In reality, your essay will be read by a teacher, who is probably overworked and overwhelmed. She or he will give you feedback, and, will give feedback to other students on their essays. All of it is part of teacher's job description. I highly doubt that the teacher is out to judge YOU personally - the teacher will judge every essay as part of the job. The teacher might be bored or the teacher's family problems might make it hard to focus on your essay, but the teacher will try to concentrate on grading and not become consumed by worries about the family problems.

Other students in the classroom might be anxious and insecure as well. Not all, but some. Some might be depressed. basically, business as usual - life is fairly mundane, for the most part, and the world most definitely does NOT revolve around you.

If you accept that you are just one of us humans, and that the teacher and fellow students are humans as well, with their anxieties, worries, and insecurities, all trying to get through their day as best they can, it will be far easier for you to live in such a world. Closer to reality, too. When you talk to the teacher, you probably think that the teacher is judging you. But the teacher might be worried that you are judging the teacher. Have you ever considered that possibility?

Sometimes when there are good things going for us in life, it's scary to imagine losing them, letting someone down, turning out to be a 'fraud' if I don't live up to an expectation (mine or someone else's)...it also takes a lot of energy to maintain so we self-sabotage, procrastinate, freeze...it sounds like there is a bit of a conflict too in your values - what others think may be important to you, but is it more important than say your creativity, self-compassion, achievement, whatever your values are. This is an interesting activity (google "Values Sort") - you print these pages into cards and mix the 'deck' up. You have three piles - not important to me, important to me, and very important to me. The idea is to sort through all of the values cards as quickly as you can (don't think too much!) into those piles so that by the end you have only 10 cards in your 'very important to me' pile. Then sort those 10 in order of most to least important. Can you see any values in that pile that are actually someone else's and aren't that important to you? Do you see some that are imbalanced? It's a neat activity if you're up for it

you need to be patient with yourself. creative people tend to suffer from hyper-sensitivity/self-consciousness- a curse and a gift. practice is the only solution to self- doubt whether it's risking putting your hand up in class if you know the answer to writing in you spare time regardless of how nonsensical it may sound to you. small steps. you and only you can reap the rewards from the efforts you make, and it gets much easier when you start young and- you'll have longer to enjoy them!

Hi sweetheart,

I could relate to a lot of what you wrote.. Maybe your insecurity is in fact fear of getting hurt? Perhaps a lack of trust in other people and an expectation/fear that they'll say or do something hurtful? No matter how OK you are with yourself, it still hurts (would hurt anyone, I'm guessing) if someone teases or bullies you..

Or, maybe you're basing your view of yourself on what other people value? Do YOU value being good-looking, smart, doing well in life, travelling loads and having lots of friends? I've found that as long as I'm looking at what others value, I'm trying to live up to THEIR expectations of what I should be/do and feeling like cr* if I fall short..

In secondary/upper secondary school, I, too, was considered a good writer and brilliant at English (not my native language either). I felt that everyone was expecting me to go on to achieve great things.. When I started to study English in university, I quickly discovered I was actually among the weakest students in my year.. I got incredibly depressed by that. I've since been through the wringer - dropped out after my second year, got a job and started therapy. I've come 'face to face' with what I always felt to be true, deep down - that no amount of achievements or success would correct my low self-esteem in the slightest - because it was never about anything I was lacking in that department in the first place.

What I needed was to be accepted for who I am - weak, sad, hurt, angry, tired - as well as happy, talented, creative, 'brilliant' etc. I was traumatised in early childhood by parents who weren't able to accept/love me in my weakest moments, so I'd carried that insecurity with me my whole life and desperately tried to earn the love by doing well and being best at something/everything.. Doesn't work.

What do you feel would be the worst thing that could happen with this essay? What's the worst thing your teacher could say/do? Why would it be the worst thing imaginable?

My therapist got me to do this activity. It was great

I should do it again. I could use a reminder

That's a brilliant idea. I have the same issue. I have many achievements but still lack a sense of self - love. My family and friends think I'm this 'amazing' person, yet it is hard to see that sometimes because I've been so conditioned to my way of thinking and now I'm trying to reverse this toxic relationship with myself to build a better ME. Sounds cheesy but I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to feel unhappy or sad. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up for days, sometimes months to the point where I've lost weight, sleep and a focused mind. I've been in CBT for almost one year and my therapist and I have been working on a lot of techniques to help me believe in myself and find my build my self - worth.

I feel every minute insecure,i can't make decisions.

Any suggestion for prevent insecurity issues and feel more comfortable with my self?