Self-esteem with impossibility to have attractive body?

I have quite a rare bone condition thats called Pectus Excavatum or funnel chest. During my life, this thing spoiled my self-esteem for good, i always had very strong insecurity because of it, always felt like defective person compared to other boys.
Never went to beach, sauna or any kind of acitivity that required being topless. I was avoiding being in intimite relationships with girls for that reason until 20 years old. Then i met girl and we were dating for 2 years. Before she dumped me, she said that she didn't care about my chest, but she told me a lot of lies, so i don't really believe her statement.
Now i started to visiting the gym and found out that with growing muscles, this thing developed tendency to look even worse than before.
I realized that the only way to change this thing is doing operation, which is extremely dangerous, expensive and painful. It actually might lead to death, life-long trauma, partly disability and many other things.
So, considering all that, im think that i wont ever be brave enough to do it.
And instead i got to accept that i never will have an attractive body, no matter how much i will go to gym trainings. I will never experience admiring glances from girls like other boys do. Okay, its got be more to life, right? So i have no other choice but accept it.
And then it comes to main goal that i need to achieve. Very often i just feel it under my shirt and feel inferior. Its hard to explain, when you are just feeling your defect without even looking at it, and you mood is going down. I should learn how to stop letting this thing affect my self-esteem. Is it possible? Is here anyone with experience of something like that?

though your girlfriend may have lied to you about things, i doubt she lied to you about this. there had to be many qualities about you that kept her around for two years. superficial people care about looks. is this the type of person you really want in your life? there are so many people in the world that do not measure up to the standard of looks you are talking about, yet they are still able to find life partners. it is because of their kindness, caring, compassion, humor, personality, etc. more people are concerned about these things than looks. so start focusing on your strenghts and feeling good about them. build strenght of caracter and soon you will find your phsycal presence doesnt matter anymore.

Mefisto I dont know you obviously but am glad you have elected not to have surgery. The risks are too great and adding disability to your life would be awful. If your girlfriend looked past your condition at all, and she must have, then it was not a contributing factor to breakup and not something she was lying about. People are willing to accept difference when they see someone has assets like honesty or humor or perseverence. Thats specially true as one gets older. Peers do mature. As for the gym you might continue to go, not for physical appearance but for improving mood and other aspects of health. Be kind to yourself. What you describe isnt something to just get over. That is to say you are not weak for struggling with this. No one could have an easy time of it.

I have body image issues, very much so. I am trying to learn to accept myself for the way I am. I can't change it. I can not even "work" on it getting better anymore. If we don't accept ourselves it continues to hurt us. I don't want to be hurt anymore, thinking I'm not acceptable the way I am.
Working out at the gym is good. If it is a fact you feel it makes it worse, accept it. I know easy to say. But if it can't change without harming yourself and putting yourself in a risky surgery, I'd say accept it. It would not bother any woman who is worth being with. That said, as I've said before, it takes time and you caring about yourself enough first, to find someone. And that isn't always immediate, or even necessary. Getting together with someone that isn't good for you will make you feel worse. Saying this from experience. Take care

Hi Mefisto, see you've already had some EXCELLENT replies up there!!
So just throwing you in a couple of links for the "experience" bit I hope might help:


And if you don't mind I'll just adjust your terminology there from "defect" to "difference"........and a difference really doesn't have to make someone unattractive you know..........and I haven't even started on the other things that matter just as much as/more than appearance!!!!
Honestly there is going to be so much more about you than that!!! There really is!!!

Alison

Hey buddy I understand feeling self conscious a little too well too! Just thought I'd share a story with you. I'm a girl and my partner has the same condition as you (so does his dad and one of his sisters) but it doesn't bother me in the slightest and never has. I love him for him and it's actually a perfect ditch to rest my head on when we're lying on the couch (also fun at the beach when he let's me full it with sand ) The point is you just have to own it and come up with a retort in your mind in case anyone were to comment. For example I have very pale skin and without fail people always make some snarky comment whenever I wear shorts so I just reply with "And what. Did you think I'd take off my pants and I'd be black" that usually makes them feel real dumb. Good luck

Thanks for help, everyone.
Appreciate your post, but it made me sad. The only girl i had in life used me for manipulation and she never did such stuff as you do with your boyfriend. Im also very pale as you. I don't think i will ever have relationship with girl who will like me with such long list of insecurities. My life is so insecure, sad and lonely.

I've been struggling a long time too but for the last month I've been saying three good things about myself in front of the mirror (yes sometimes I am standing there a rather long time until I think of something) and then one goal (they are only small goals but that sense of achievement is nice) for example; today I will do a workout, today I will say or do something nice for 5 people, etc. I've noticed a MASSIVE difference just in one month. Well it's massive to me I'm still not the confident person I want to be but I am starting to feel better about myself. Personality is a huge part of being attracted to someone Keep at it!!

Mefisto:

I feel your pain!

NO self esteem---I have NEVER liked my looks...my body....see, I tried also, for ages, to build muscles (Google Greg Valentino, Ronnie Coleman, Phil Heath--these are guys I want to look like) BUT--I never could get there I worked out over four years, had a trainer, took supplements, ate/slept right--even did 2 cycles of steroids--bad mistake!! And you know what? I always compare myself to other men...it does not have to be the 3 I mentioned above..just any male..and I say to myself..."If only I had their this or that features...... THIS is the primary reason why I attempted suicide...twice...(last one was close...) I loathe myself. I feel so inadequate, insecure, and inferior…..:-(

Also...my hair...it is thinning (I just turned 47..so I am older than yourself) tried all the "stuff" Rogaine, Peopecia, etc....to no avail.....I will not do a transplant as I have seen to many horror stories on those...
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You know, it hurts to see a guy who has "it all" muscles-hair.......and then I look at me...and even “during” so-called relationships—have females who supposed to be with me..talk about and lust after these men!!! I can handle being alone...but not being able to even "like" myself has become destructive. I am back in therapy....but not sure they are going to be able to help me....

A horrible cycle of events!

Sorry if I went on a rant

Great advice from other posts!
I apologize for not really having sound advice...as I struggle too.

I have body issues too. I hate my body I used to be skinny when I was little and can't stand being nude in front of the mirror. I have started working which i need to do more of and trying to eat healthier. No one wanted me with the body I have now my boyfriend loves me for me, can't stand being nude in front him as I want a nice body for myself and be able to walk out there feeling proud. I cover myself up and don't like to reveal any fat that I do have. This is not the body I want to accept...

If it makes y'all feel any better I just accidentally amputated a decent amount off the top of my finger playing sport two days ago (a month before my wedding plus I'm a girl so I'm particularly worried about not having a 'pretty' finger anymore esp when we didn't find the rest of the finger until it was too late). It made me realise that there are people out there who are missing all kinds of limbs and have terribly sad disabilities who would give anything to have any one of your bodies...