[baseline]

I have had self-esteem and trust issues for most of my life. my own mother is always pointing out problems with my hair my weight what i'm wearing etc etc. As if I don't own a mirror as if I don't beat myself up enough. i AM SO INSECURE AT TIMES i GET EMBARRASSED OR SAD WHEN SOMEONE says something nice about me.I can't believe them. O yea i also have self hate for allowing myself to be hurt by people I thought I could trust.

[jelly-bean]

I have some of those same issues so know that you are not alone. I bet your Mom thinks she is helping you when she points out problems with your appearance. It's because she loves you and she doesn't understand what she is doing. Hope things get better for you.

[anothercliché]

I can relate. Any time I recieve a compliment I feel on the precipice of being insulted as the person is rather overtly lying to me. There words are false and they and I both know it. Hang in their, I cannot promise with certainty that it gets better but I can say you'll get better at coping. Good luck!

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by baseline

I have had self-esteem and trust issues for most of my life. my own mother is always pointing out problems with my hair my weight what i'm wearing etc etc. As if I don't own a mirror as if I don't beat myself up enough. i AM SO INSECURE AT TIMES i GET EMBARRASSED OR SAD WHEN SOMEONE says something nice about me.I can't believe them. O yea i also have self hate for allowing myself to be hurt by people I thought I could trust.

I totally get it. Even after 14 years my wife feels uncomfortable when I give her a compliment; tell her how pretty she is or how nice her hair looks or how smart she is. If I string them together she'll make me stop. Whatever it is, she gets really uncomfortable receiving compliments.

At some point you have let yourself take that compliment ...

I've got an idea! Whenever you accomplish a goal, you're supposed to reward yourself right? So when you write in a journal for a week, you reward yourself with some Oreo cookies or whatnot.

In this case though, make a conscious effort to recognize a compliment! Start simple. If someone reminds you that you have pretty eyes, stop and say, "That was a compliment, I'm going to take it as such." Then look in the mirror and say, "Yeah! I do have pretty eyes and dang it, I'm going to feel good about that compliment. They're right!"

Keep doing it and when you do feel good about it, then, just like accomplishing a goal, reward yourself. You deserve to feel good about getting a compliment so reward yourself for it.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I totally get it. Even after 14 years my wife feels uncomfortable when I give her a compliment; tell her how pretty she is or how nice her hair looks or how smart she is. If I string them together she'll make me stop. Whatever it is, she gets really uncomfortable receiving compliments.

At some point you have let yourself take that compliment ...

I've got an idea! Whenever you accomplish a goal, you're supposed to reward yourself right? So when you write in a journal for a week, you reward yourself with some Oreo cookies or whatnot.

In this case though, make a conscious effort to recognize a compliment! Start simple. If someone reminds you that you have pretty eyes, stop and say, "That was a compliment, I'm going to take it as such." Then look in the mirror and say, "Yeah! I do have pretty eyes and dang it, I'm going to feel good about that compliment. They're right!"

Keep doing it and when you do feel good about it, then, just like accomplishing a goal, reward yourself. You deserve to feel good about getting a compliment so reward yourself for it.

Thank you for your idea/thoughts. My husband told my T he stopped giving me compliments because I never believed him. I didn't mean to offend him. It was just that I felt I idn't deserve them. Like he was saying them just to say them. I knew he was not that kind of person. I just feel triggered negatively when I am complimented about my looks or what a good person I am . Although I feel this way about myself I have raised my children to be self confident and I let them know how special they are to me in their own unique ways. I made sure they felt good about themselves. Learning to have good self-esteem and resilience at a young age is so important. I didn't have that growing up. It left me insecure. I will TRY YOUR IDEA THANKS FOR COMMENTING. Does you wife feel better about compliments now? How did she handle it?

[winter4me]

I learned a lot from my (now grown) daughter----when I complimented her she would smile and say "Thank you"; wow, I wondered, where did she learn that?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by baseline

Does you wife feel better about compliments now? How did she handle it?

No ..

She still just stops me. Makes me feel like ^%$# because if it was some hottie she'd love the compliment.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

No ..

She still just stops me. Makes me feel like ^%$# because if it was some hottie she'd love the compliment.

I'm sorry! I think as spouses we sometimes take our partners for granted. Thanks for trying to help me. Good luck with your wife she should be happy you still want to compliment her. It's hard not to take it personal.

[unaluna]

Well your hair looks lovely in your avatar!!

But i know what you mean. My mother says that because she is my mother, she should be honest and tell me my hairstyle doesnt suit me. I try to explain to her that that is only her opinion, not an absolute truth, and that maybe i have something to say about HER hairstyle. That gave her some pause, but not enough. After ten years, i can finally take a compliment from my t without feeling badly about it.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by hankster

Well your hair looks lovely in your avatar!!

But i know what you mean. My mother says that because she is my mother, she should be honest and tell me my hairstyle doesnt suit me. I try to explain to her that that is only her opinion, not an absolute truth, and that maybe i have something to say about HER hairstyle. That gave her some pause, but not enough. After ten years, i can finally take a compliment from my t without feeling badly about it.

lol!
My mother has always been obsessed with my hair. It's a control thing!!! Everyone else compliments me. But I feel like I don't deserve it for some reason. Lots of emotional/physical abuse over the years. Hard to know truth from lies. I can't take compliments from my T and I've told him. Not that he is untrustworthy just makes me feel uncomfortable! Strangers act more loving to me than my own mother. She has always said that I would be hurt by friends/strangers. Always making me paranoid about others being too nice! I hated /hate living that way. I don't want to be this way. Like I should only believe her compliments.

[melissac309]

Compliments are so hard for me to accept... I'm always just like "... Um thanks?" I guess because I don't believe them. I understand that part.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by melissac309

Compliments are so hard for me to accept... I'm always just like "... Um thanks?" I guess because I don't believe them. I understand that part.

I just get really self conscious and feel awkward. I love to give compliments and do so genuinely! It's definitely a self-esteem issue with me. I like when my children compliment me and I accept it from them because I know they love me for me.At least I have that going. Thanks for sharing!

It is very hard to take a compliment! Often there are things going on in the background from our experience and from society/cultural norms that influence this. I think socially it's become implicit that accepting a compliment might come off as bragging or cocky (not that it's necessarily the case! But there's a 'downside' socially to how I come across to others). And of course what you've already identified - that compliments sometimes bring out our insecurities where we don't believe the compliment. Either we don't believe the source (that person says that because they HAVE to or they're just being polite) or we don't believe the compliment in ourselves (or both).

It's interesting to notice all the ways your mind treats a compliment - often one sided toward the negative - how quickly it whips out the list of ways to discount it. And the emotions like embarassement or discomfort. I wonder what accepting the compliment would mean to you? What might you be afraid of happening once you accept a compliment? Sometimes I think - well, they don't know the real me (sort of like I feel like I'm an imposter or a fraud) - even though most likely someone has seen a quality in me that is genuinely there, but doesn't get reinforced much. Maybe what might help is to take the compliment (just say thanks) and then think about how that compliment might actually be true about you - attach it to something that you can identify, your own experience or reason to make it feel more believable.

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by baseline

lol!
My mother has always been obsessed with my hair. It's a control thing!!! Everyone else compliments me. But I feel like I don't deserve it for some reason. Lots of emotional/physical abuse over the years. Hard to know truth from lies. I can't take compliments from my T and I've told him. Not that he is untrustworthy just makes me feel uncomfortable! Strangers act more loving to me than my own mother. She has always said that I would be hurt by friends/strangers. Always making me paranoid about others being too nice! I hated /hate living that way. I don't want to be this way. Like I should only believe her compliments.

I'm really sorry your mother is so critical and has left you feeling you don't deserve compliments. Shame on her.

Looks like you have received some really good advice from others here. I've never gotten used to compliments either. My mother was very nurturing but my dad was the one that was critical. But it wasn't until I started to school that I began to feel like I was not as smart, as pretty or as good as everyone else. Peer pressure really took its toll on me.

Realize your mother has her own baggage, because there is a reason she is so critical and it's not because of anything you are or have done. Try to find your strong points, (and I know you have some, everyone does) and when you feel undeserving keep those in mind. Find your yourself, like the way you fix your hair even if your mom doesn't, it's okay if she doesn't agree. You are worth it.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by looking_glass

It is very hard to take a compliment! Often there are things going on in the background from our experience and from society/cultural norms that influence this. I think socially it's become implicit that accepting a compliment might come off as bragging or cocky (not that it's necessarily the case! But there's a 'downside' socially to how I come across to others). And of course what you've already identified - that compliments sometimes bring out our insecurities where we don't believe the compliment. Either we don't believe the source (that person says that because they HAVE to or they're just being polite) or we don't believe the compliment in ourselves (or both).

It's interesting to notice all the ways your mind treats a compliment - often one sided toward the negative - how quickly it whips out the list of ways to discount it. And the emotions like embarassement or discomfort. I wonder what accepting the compliment would mean to you? What might you be afraid of happening once you accept a compliment? Sometimes I think - well, they don't know the real me (sort of like I feel like I'm an imposter or a fraud) - even though most likely someone has seen a quality in me that is genuinely there, but doesn't get reinforced much. Maybe what might help is to take the compliment (just say thanks) and then think about how that compliment might actually be true about you - attach it to something that you can identify, your own experience or reason to make it feel more believable.

Thanks so much for your response. I feel I have trouble accepting compliments because I don't/didn't get them much from the people closest to me. I have trust issues about people who do compliment because I was always told by my mother she was the only one who would be honest. The few people I have accepted compliments from had taken advantage/abused of me and made me fearful. I often feel worthless unless I am useful. I am also afraid that if I believe and accept a compliment I will become needy or attached and I can't have that. This is one of the first time I've acknowledged these feelings outside of my head. Thanks for allowing me to start trying to turn it around!

[baseline]

Originally Posted by looking_glass

It is very hard to take a compliment! Often there are things going on in the background from our experience and from society/cultural norms that influence this. I think socially it's become implicit that accepting a compliment might come off as bragging or cocky (not that it's necessarily the case! But there's a 'downside' socially to how I come across to others). And of course what you've already identified - that compliments sometimes bring out our insecurities where we don't believe the compliment. Either we don't believe the source (that person says that because they HAVE to or they're just being polite) or we don't believe the compliment in ourselves (or both).

It's interesting to notice all the ways your mind treats a compliment - often one sided toward the negative - how quickly it whips out the list of ways to discount it. And the emotions like embarassement or discomfort. I wonder what accepting the compliment would mean to you? What might you be afraid of happening once you accept a compliment? Sometimes I think - well, they don't know the real me (sort of like I feel like I'm an imposter or a fraud) - even though most likely someone has seen a quality in me that is genuinely there, but doesn't get reinforced much. Maybe what might help is to take the compliment (just say thanks) and then think about how that compliment might actually be true about you - attach it to something that you can identify, your own experience or reason to make it feel more believable.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm really sorry your mother is so critical and has left you feeling you don't deserve compliments. Shame on her.

Looks like you have received some really good advice from others here. I've never gotten used to compliments either. My mother was very nurturing but my dad was the one that was critical. But it wasn't until I started to school that I began to feel like I was not as smart, as pretty or as good as everyone else. Peer pressure really took its toll on me.

Realize your mother has her own baggage, because there is a reason she is so critical and it's not because of anything you are or have done. Try to find your strong points, (and I know you have some, everyone does) and when you feel undeserving keep those in mind. Find your yourself, like the way you fix your hair even if your mom doesn't, it's okay if she doesn't agree. You are worth it.

Thank you very much for your support. I am sorry for your experiences. I was also made fun of bullied when I was young. I was quiet and shy, didn't want to be noticed for fear of being tormented. I also couldn't share any of it with my parents cause they would blow it off and say suck it up! Also I developed early and received attention/compliments that I was not ready for. People also thought they had the right to say or do things to me I could not defend myself against. I've finally been able to acknowledge all this but it is still very frightening! I try to use my dysfunctional past to improve the lives of my children. I always wanted to be a loving mom and nurturing person, so I guess I can use that gayleggg.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by baseline

... i AM SO INSECURE AT TIMES i GET EMBARRASSED OR SAD WHEN SOMEONE says something nice about me.I can't believe them...

Me too, after nearly a full lifetime of sturdily discounting anything good that anyone said and obsessing about anything bad or even that they might have cause to say something bad, I can see my error, but old habits die hard.