Hi, this is a very emotional, unhappy rant I want to get off my chest. I'm almost starting to cry about it in public because it's getting so hard to deal with, and I'm not the type to cry about anything.

I've tried so hard to move past my "shyness" in order to build friendships. I've been told again and again that I need to move past my comfort zone in order for people to understand me and care about me, or just to build friendships.

Well, I've done anything I could just to change things around. I've gone out more, I've tried talking and being friendly with my many coworkers, and I've been trying to be more caring in what I talk about and how I interact. I still act friendly to coworkers without missing a beat.

Still... It's hopeless. All my coworkers avoid me now, and they give me sneers and act condescending towards me. They give each other "knowing" looks around me, and stop talking when I'm around. I heard someone mention that they have to stop talking because I'm near by. Everyone there has friends except me, and everyone acts upset when they have only me to work with. No, I'm not a bad worker, and I get compliments about my work ethic by supervisors. People out at stores and other public places avoid me like the plague. If a group of adults are in a room, they all talk to each other while ignoring me. Maybe one might glance at me here and there, but look away if I look up in return or smile. I remember walking by a woman and man once and the woman angrily looked at the man (who was ignoring me), "You were staring at her, won't you?!" No, I don't dress revealingly. I purposely wear baggy clothing that covers myself completely. If people treat me the way they do for some shallow reason like the way I look or act, I want to just take them all and yell at them that life's much too hard to ever care about things so stupid, and all the hard things I've had to trudge through every day of my life, and how alone I've always been. How when I was screamed at everyday how I'm "just like my mother" and how I was a robot and wouldn't react even if I was killed. How it was to be almost choked by your drunk father before he changed his mind, to be openly threatened with death and rape by him. To leave school each day of no one friends and rejection just to know you'll spend the entire night being yelled at and threatened by your drunk father, because you're so worthless that no one would ever care. To be treated like you're the most innocent little animal in the world because you act so sweet and naive, when you're fighting off your suicidal thoughts and inner hopeless rage from all the unfairness, which never leaves. It's so hard to deal with. When people treat me like this, it feels like someone's running knives across my self-esteem every day, just tearing it more and more to shreds.

I've found that maybe most woman build friends through combined attention through a man. Hard to explain... I mean that a man so graciously bestows attention upon a few women, so all the woman become friends with each other. I say this because the woman I meet act so much differently towards men, and seem to give them respect.

And as for how men treat me, this often act treat me like I'm some cute animal that doesn't deserve respect but should be treated kindly. Being mean to me for them is like being rebellious and truthful by not treating this "animal" right.

I've always been like this. The one without friends. The weird one that everyone can hate together, like a bonding experience.

No, I've only had a couple of short-term friends that were close, meaning they actually cared about me.

So many of my friends treated me like a doll, and usually didn't ask how I felt or what I wanted.

My friends only made friends with me out of "nowhere," like I was a pet ripe for adopting, no matter what the animal thought.

No, it's not because I smell... I wash regularly and take care of my body.

I feel like everyone's allowed to treat me like utter garbage with no consequences because I'm a "beautiful" young woman. Of course, looks are all that matter (sarcasm), so of course it doesn't matter how much I'm squashed under other people's feet. Or how much I suffer in isolation and rejection.

I feel like everyone's trying to so hard every day to make me like a reject, to give up and kill myself or something, so that they can feel just a tiny bit more superior than they usually do.

People treat me like I'm disgusting and don't deserve social interaction. That I should be locked away out of public view.

I just don't want to live like this anymore.

[Dern]

Hello, Breezy~Day. So sorry about what you are experiencing.

I saw a reference to therapy in one of your posts. If you are in therapy, please consider copying your post for your therapist. You need more help than you are receiving.

I wish you the best.

[pkey]

Hi Breezy,

I saw that this post is a little old and I didn't want you to feel ignored. There have been posts on here sometimes that haven't produced the response that I was hoping for, so I didn't want that kind of thing to happen to you.

I just wanted to say that I understand the point about "shyness" and having trouble making/keeping friends. I never really talked to other kids when I was a child, so I have had (and still have) trouble relating to people. I much prefer browsing the internet by myself than going out anywhere, even to a neutral place like the supermarket. You are not alone in your ideas about the relationships between men and women either.

I am in a place of relative peace now though. I have been trudging through the stuff for a few years now, and have found something that I like to do. I spent all of my free time making mistakes and getting better, and found that people come to me for advice on this subject now. Even though I don't keep up with these people personally, it is nice to have a place in society professionally. And I found that I like to be alone, and don't even want too much contact other than that.

Just wanted to say that you aren't alone. I might be overstepping, but I found this quote yesterday that really resonated with me. I am not trying to suggest anything, but maybe this will help somehow.

"Searching for your passion is not ‘proactive;’ it’s actually quite passive, because embedded in the pursuit is the erroneous belief that when seen it will be immediately recognized. The reality is that a life-long passion is most often revealed through working passionately on something you have immediate access to." -Kent Healy

Take care.

Hi Breezy,

First of all, a hug:

You posted this nearly 20 days ago, so I hope you are doing ok today.

I can relate to a lot of what you've wrote.

I am dealing with a lot of issues in my present life, and then issues from my past come up to "join the gang" and help beat me up. As if the current issues needed any help with that...

I hope you don't mind me commenting on a few things related to your present life, that caught my attention on your post?

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

I've tried so hard to move past my "shyness" in order to build friendships. I've been told again and again that I need to move past my comfort zone in order for people to understand me and care about me, or just to build friendships.

Ah, I've been hearing and reading that a lot lately. "Move out of your comfort zone!". It's on TV, on the radio, on newspapers... everywhere.

It's a "canned answer" given by someone who doesn't care to someone who's got a problem.

People are simply uncapable of showing any sign of understanding.

As for moving past your "shyness", I have learned by experience that it's better not to "push it". So, my take on "making friends" is: let things happen naturally at your own pace, not at someone else's urgency.

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

Well, I've done anything I could just to change things around. I've gone out more, I've tried talking and being friendly with my many coworkers, and I've been trying to be more caring in what I talk about and how I interact. I still act friendly to coworkers without missing a beat.

Still... It's hopeless. All my coworkers avoid me now, and they give me sneers and act condescending towards me. They give each other "knowing" looks around me, and stop talking when I'm around. I heard someone mention that they have to stop talking because I'm near by. Everyone there has friends except me, and everyone acts upset when they have only me to work with. No, I'm not a bad worker, and I get compliments about my work ethic by supervisors.

Well, if you're getting compliments from the bosses and dirty looks from colleagues, then you must be doing something right It must be jealousy.

Yeah, I had coworkers like that in other jobs in the past, and I know it sucks...

The solution? Well, either you endure it, or you find another job.

One things for sure is that things are always in motion. Meaning that things will change eventually. Take action, or not, things will change.

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

I feel like everyone's allowed to treat me like utter garbage with no consequences because I'm a "beautiful" young woman. Of course, looks are all that matter (sarcasm), so of course it doesn't matter how much I'm squashed under other people's feet. Or how much I suffer in isolation and rejection.

I feel like everyone's trying to so hard every day to make me like a reject, to give up and kill myself or something, so that they can feel just a tiny bit more superior than they usually do.

People treat me like I'm disgusting and don't deserve social interaction. That I should be locked away out of public view.

All those negative things and toxic people around you are not worth your time.

When you are alone and no one gives a scrap, when the world seems to hate you, who should come to your rescue?

You are the only who can be kind to yourself. Even if you happen to be surrounded by "friends" and/or people who "love" you, don't forget that the most important person in your life is yourself.

It may seem cliché, but give it some thought.

I better stop right here. See ya!

[Shaly78]

Don't talk up the punching bag first of all.....If you be positive with yourself, then people will follow. If not, then I guess it is for your protection. Be your own best friend, in a tasteful way when you meet the right people love you enough that you can put it on them. Write about instance where people didn't avoid you and how that made you feel the relationships you had no matter in what lane they where. Are you on a soul searching journey? I was being DID/PTSD, but I'm not any longer so much of the none relationship and way people act or for my protection or just to fill one area of my life...All else or them problems. I'm trying to pray and ask God how can I leave the past behind use balance be protective and still be a little more open to relationships because I'm healing. It really isn't easy, but it can be done. Good Luck

Thank you nice people for your posts. I'm doing a lot better. Just knowing this post is here, although I couldn't handle to read it again for a long time, made me feel better. Just to know that somewhere I let out my feelings to others.

pkey, what you recommend is exactly what I know will be good for me. The days I was lost in a passion for some kind of work or hobby were always my happiest and healthiest days. I ironically began to give up my passions, maybe by coincidence, when I began to follow the advice to use your interests to meet people. As much as I like my hobbies or interests, it's rare I like to share it with others unless there's something I really want to share. When I was working on my own hobbies and was pretty happy, I could easily let go those who didn't like me since they were no longer the focus of my life.

I also spend more time browsing the internet than going out, and although I like to go out, I don't like to try to meet people.

BuildABridge, you're so right about not forcing myself to be a certain way. What works for everyone else usually doesn't work for me, and I learn not to trust myself since I want to believe everyone when they say something will work.

About my coworkers, true, I don't plan to stay at this job forever. I made it clear early on that it's only temporary, so I'll enjoy the unusual environment and possibly toxic people for now.

True, I've had people who said they love me do some very unloving things to me before. I find it so terribly difficult to love myself. Ironically, or maybe expectantly, listening to others tell me to love myself always turns out to be me loving myself only because others want me to love myself. Love-ception! Once people stop telling me to love myself, such as I stop reading that advice somewhere, or people begin to show hate towards me, I immediately stop loving myself like a switch.

newday7121, I do think I need to do some soul searching. I came from a childhood with almost no love, although my family members have and always will deny and don't care how I was treated. So, you know... I have to find my own closure on that and somehow continue to be "reborn" into my own independent life. I'm not quite sure yet what love's supposed to feel like. I think I loved myself once, when I was younger and proud of myself just for staying positive everyday. If only I can be that way again, I know I would be much happier. I might be going through a depression right now as well, which is always very difficult to get over.

I feel relieved that these replies show so much kindness, and it's helped pick me up.

[autumn15]

Hi Breezy-day,

You seem like a really strong woman to be enduring the stuff you mentioned.

I have found this forum really helpful and a great way to get things off your chest. I have trust issues so i don't like to talk about my deep feelings much but it's easy on here. There's no judgment, it's safe and friendly.

Having all those thoughts circling around in your head can be super overwhelming and really confusing so dont hesitate to post your random thoughts on here.

I hope you have a lovely weekend



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