I think this goes back to my dad not wanting children.. Not wanting me. I know it says everything about him and nothing about me, but I can't feel it! I keep blaming myself for not being what he wanted me to be.. But I never could have been. He didn't want kids. Therefore he all and all didn't want me. There's nothing I could have done to change that because there's no way I could have stopped being a child!

Whatever it is he hates in children - their neediness I guess.. Because he can't face his own neediness.. I don't really care. Just felt I needed to share this.. Thanks for reading

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a.

I'd say...........I know (!!)..........that you are the much better person in this, and it's you who has the absolute right to be disappointed in him, NOT the other way around
And not being what he wanted you to be...........well he wasn't what you wanted him to be much moreso..........a loving, caring father............
The blame...........well he was to blame for not being good enough..........not you

But now...........let's see it as his loss, because regardless of what he wanted you to be..........you are going to be what other (more worthy) people are going to want you to be, just by being you.
And I, for one, appreciate and value you for who you are

Alison

Once again, thank you so, so much Alison! Your words mean more to me than I can say

It's sad, but it's not your fault. Try to live the life you want for yourself. Even if he wanted you, you need to live your life the way you want, because it's not his but yours.

Here again..

The last few days, I've been plagued with this feeling that 'I'm not good enough for this world'.. It kills me.

I've been dealing with really deep core shame lately and believe this is connected to that.. The other day, I told my therapist I felt that not only should I not have been born, I never should have existed in any way, shape or form.. She made me see I do have value but now I'm still here where I think I shouldn't have been born..

Again, I think this goes back to my dad not only disliking children, but absolutely hating them.. But isn't it so that our parents are not 'God' - what they think or feel isn't 'how it is', it's just their opinion? So, even though I wasn't enough for him, I'm still good enough to be alive?

Thanks for reading

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a.

You know it wasn't you that wasn't good enough for him, no child at all........just through virtue of what they are..........children..........would be good enough for him
And from the things you've said...........I find it pretty impossible to believe that he ever knew, or made any effort to know you, the person you actually were/are.
So how can his judgement/opinion of your value count in the slightest when he didn't even actually know you???
But maybe look at it this way...........if he made blanket negative judgements on people based on their gender or race or religion...........and never saw the people inside........just like all he has seen are "children"........you wouldn't tolerate those judgements at all, right??!! You certainly wouldn't be thinking.........he could actually be right, would you??!!
Every single child is going to have something special about them, every single person is going to have something special about them, regardless of what he thinks
So yes, d.o.a. you would have had true value as a child (whether he saw it or not!!), and I know for a fact that you have true value now
The shame should be all his, you have true value and you always have had

Alison

Thank you SO much, Alison This means so much to me. I'm actually in tears here.. And it made me smile when you wrote I wouldn't accept him judging people based on those things - I really wouldn't! It's true.. What he thought about me isn't who I truly am!

And the same goes for other people who may think badly of me now, doesn't it..?

I've been drawing a lot lately to get my emotions out. Looking at my drawings the other day, I realised that I think I will be 'acceptable' once I stop blushing and once I can be sure I won't have an accident due to my digestive disorder..

I've suffered from really bad chronic blushing since my early teens and had one VERY nasty incident in school where I was bullied quite mercilessly for it.. More recently, I've been dealing with very bad Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and having an accident has become a very real possibility..

When I had that realisation, I stopped to think, hang on, that can't be right. Surely, I'm good and acceptable no matter what? Even if someone thought badly of me because of those things, that doesn't mean I am what they think I am, right? I have this instinct telling me I should realise I am good and worthy to be living no matter what - that no matter what happens, it cannot take away from my worth..

The only thing I think makes some people better than others is the way they treat themselves and their fellow humans and other living things.. And we all make mistakes there, what matters is that we don't want to hurt anyone or think it's alright, and that we apologise when we mess up and learn to do better..

[Frankbtl]

Hi d.o.a

You have got some absolutely amazing insight here:

"When I had that realisation, I stopped to think, hang on, that can't be right. Surely, I'm good and acceptable no matter what? Even if someone thought badly of me because of those things, that doesn't mean I am what they think I am, right? I have this instinct telling me I should realise I am good and worthy to be living no matter what - that no matter what happens, it cannot take away from my worth..
The only thing I think makes some people better than others is the way they treat themselves and their fellow humans and other living things.. And we all make mistakes there, what matters is that we don't want to hurt anyone or think it's alright, and that we apologise when we mess up and learn to do better.." !!!!!!!!!!!!

And completely agree!!! You brought something else to my mind there too "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind"
And the blushing.........I think maybe you're seeing it a bit more through the eyes of the bullies..........the "unacceptability" part of it..........??? And we both know that isn't who you are
Because I'm sure so many people, people you might actually want to know, people who are actually worthy of being in your life are not going to see it as "unacceptable" or you as "unacceptable" because of that.
I know for a fact, if someone I met blushed (any which way!!) I'm not going to be thinking for a second "That's unacceptable" or "They're "unacceptable", because it doesn't matter in the slightest
So try not to worry whether you're acceptable or not to people who may judge you harshly for it, they are the very people who shouldn't be "acceptable". Not you!!!
And the IBS.........if people are that shallow to "cut you off" because of that or if you had an accident.........well that's their loss!!
They're going to be missing out on the privilege of really seeing the whole you.........IBS or an accident shouldn't define that in any way.
What you should expect, from anyone who matters/is going to matter is empathy, caring and compassion if you were to have an accident.
Blushing, IBS, anything like that doesn't ever take away your true worth.........your worth comes from the inside..........from who you are.........from your character..........from the way you treat others..........and you, d.o.a. are very worthy

Alison

[88Butterfly88]

You deserve to be alive, all good people do. You are a good person, you're just struggling. I wish you could see that. Hugs.

Thank you, Alison.. That saying popped into my head, too, the other day.. Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.

That would so be the best way to think about blushing, that it simply doesn't matter. I always worry people will say something about it because that just makes it worse.. But I also think I need to accept that I have no control over what other people will say or do.. All I have control over is what I say and do..

Having an accident would be soooo embarrassing, but I have to find the courage to go out even though it might happen.. I'm sick of being a prisoner in my own home.

It's SO hard to believe I'm actually worth something after all this time of believing the opposite, but I'm going to try and keep your kind words in my mind..

[Fuzzybear]