Self-Esteem and Being Used

I don't know why I fell into a pattern of allowing myself to get used by others. Lately, someone has been asking me to buy him things, since he is going through a hard time. I go above and beyond for people, not looking for much in return, but I'm respected more for "what I can do for someone", instead of who I am as a person.

Can anyone relate? I think part of the reason this is happening, is out of loneliness, and also a desire to make people happy. I also thrive on validation. Do you think there's anything in particular that causes this? How can I work on moving forward and having better self-esteem? I took a step towards being assertive, but only a baby step. This didn't make me feel free though. I still focus on the happiness of others and connect my value to that.

Were you validated much by your parents while growing up? If you didn't have that kind of support in your life as a child you may be trying to get it now by doing nice things for others. This type of generous behaviour may attract people who use you for that generosity, and that's not healthy.

Are you in therapy at the moment? I think it would be helpful to work through this with someone.

Hi scaredandconfused,

I am no longer in therapy, and the reason is because my therapist said flat out that she would no longer do any "deep work" with me, unless I attended weekly, when I told her I can only attend biweekly due to financial issues. I didn't even miss a meeting and was consistent, so it kind of made me give up on that particular therapist. Going through my insurance company is expensive to do weekly or even biweekly therapy.

Although I felt I was validated for certain things (I was a dancer, so I got a lot of praise growing up), at times my mother would be very critical of certain things, and we would get into screaming matches that would sometimes get physical. Struggling with Bipolar episodes made this even worse, where I was left feeling misunderstood and scared of the world at times. Certain symptoms, such as impulsivity, also exacerbated things.

Maybe I was seeking some kind of security outside of my home to feel "safer" during adolescence. My mother and I are very close now, although we have similar problems at times, where I don't always feel free to express everything about myself. We have kind of a love-hate relationship, but now we rarely stay mad at each other.

The one thing that I hate, is that I have some insight, and my therapist said that awareness will help me do something about it. I always go back to the same patterns, and I hate it. She never seemed to give me a starting point.

Yesssss!! This!!
This sounds like my life

I feel for you because that's totally me, my life, and my feelings too. I can understand the frustration! I've gotten a bit better lately because I've been working on being assertive. I honestly think it all comes down to assertiveness training. Learning how to be assertive. When you are assertive you are respecting others AND yourself. Check it out online, or you can learn how to do it in "The Assertiveness Training Book"
It can change your life!

Hugs for both of you. Yesterday, I read up on co-dependency, and it actually shares similar characteristics: problems saying no, going way out of the way to make others happy, at the expense of ourselves. I plan to do a little research on this. I've also been prone to attracting people who have narcissistic traits who have a way of manipulating me and knowing that I have issues saying no. I do fault myself, but it's such a bad feeling when you're trying to obtain affection through being giving.

God! I can completely relate. Actually, just before I signed on here and saw your response I was reading a book called "Co-dependency For Dummies" and it's incredible. It's a great book with a 12 step program to help the reader recover.
Like you mentioned, codependency seems to share a lot with the assertiveness aspect. I think that someone can have both issues, and probably often do because they're both so intimately linked. I'm also attracted to Narcissistic people because I love to give. They love to take. It's that simple.
But like you said... it would be nice to just be able to give to someone like my heart wants to, and get respect back. Instead of mistreatment.

I know exactly what you mean. I had a thought today: is codependency also a form of addiction? I have a lot of relatives on my mom's side (not my mom, but most of her family and my cousins), who have an addictive personality, and my father struggled with Alcohol, but he has been sober for a couple of years now. I've never been hardcore into substances, but I think I do have an "addictive personality" when it comes to certain things, so I just can't help but wonder.

Such an interesting point, I know exactly what you mean! And I think, yes, codependency is definitely a form of addiction. A type of Phycological addiction. Bing addicted to people, and the acceptance or validation these people give us.

Hi xRavenx

Sorry to say, but I totally agree that you have got insight.........in fact I'd say you seem to have some great insight including how you're relating this to your past........but please don't hate it
Just because you have insight doesn't mean that you "should" be able to just turn things around "just" like that, doesn't mean that you "should" know better if you do something to "dispute" that insight, doesn't mean that you should be able to just put your past or what you feel right now behind you so easily..........it can be real tough when you're in a situation where you know or realise after you "should" have done x, but you've done y again, can't it?!!!
What insight can do is help you on the first steps to changing things.........and sometimes it can take time to be able to start changing things............and sometimes that may be in what people might think are minuscule steps..........but really I'd say those minuscule steps can be/are massive...........and each step you take can really count..........just like you thought you took a small step but it didn't help that much.........I'd say that considering the circumstances the fact that you even took a step was really good........and a massive achievement!!! So be proud of yourself!!!

And just a thought while you're battling with the conflicting feelings of wanting to make people happy against you "over-giving".
Sometimes there are better/more important things for people than immediate "happiness" which you could give instead while still not being taken advantage of.............
As in, if you did say "No" to someone wanting something from you.........maybe you'd be giving them a little lesson in the value of money, in the importance of the thing if they had to wait to afford it, in the fact that they should respect people (like you) and not "expect"........., in using their initiative in finding something they could afford or a way to get something or do something, in learning more about the value of independence and not just asking..........lots of other important lessons you could be teaching them as well in some (more) "No"'s...........so remember you'd still be doing something for them, maybe something important for them, you'd be doing them a favour...........whether they feel good about it or not, you feel good about yourself for having done that for them...........your validation is right there!!!
AND you haven't been taken advantage of!!!!
You're exactly right, you should be respected as a person

And reading between the lines, maybe this is difficult for you.........but, as well, perhaps you aren't asking them for as much as you'd have a right to ask them for??..........maybe you need to be asking them for (more) favours too..........make sure this is a two-way thing, hey??
And if they deserve your attention they should be happy/pleased to be doing you some favours............
And if that's hard.........see it as you're helping them become better people in "giving" to others, hey??!!!

And this has got to come in somewhere.........but..........self-worth.........I'm getting the feeling that sometimes you're losing just a little sight of that??...........which would be real understandable considering your past
But you do have worth, absolutely!!!!
And you do have a right to be able to have certain expectations of people and for them not to cross certain boundaries........if you could perhaps have a think about if there's anything you may need to add to those??
AND maybe just a little more credit to yourself for your qualities, do you think??

Alison

And P.S. Coming back to........a huge kudos on that step you managed to take!!!!

Thanks so much, Frankbtl! It's hard for me to even look back on recent events, where I wish I could have done something different in a certain relationship, but I am just starting to notice that I constantly live in a state of wondering if my friends/people close to me are okay and if they are okay with me. I think this got worse when my best friend (who was like a sister) died a year and a half ago. It's as if I am trying to hold onto people, sometimes at a cost.

That's a good point that by setting boundaries with others, it is something that they can benefit from too, like you said, with money and its value. I notice that my fear of abandonment makes it difficult, which could be why I lose sight of these things. My self-worth is something I need to work on, but it is hard.

Thanks again for your input and for hearing me out! Hugs!

I am the same way. I know what you are feeling. I am lonely too and want to be liked. However, buying things for others is not going to buy their friendship. So, I just wait to see the reaction of these people for whom I buy things. If they don't reciprocate or don't offer me anything in return, I drop them. It makes me feel a whole lot better, that is, knowing that I'm being used and knowing that dropping them will make me feel better about myself. Who needs friends of convenience. I say it is better to be alone than be lonely with others. I enjoy my company now more than ever and still go out of my way to treat others occasionally but only to a point. Friend who is there in the time of need is a true friend indeed. All others can take a hike. Please don't be a doormat-if you feel like you are being used, you probably are being used. Cut the users and be truly free. Loneliness is a state of mind. You can be lonely being with others too as we both know. Enjoy your time alone by doing things you like. Go out to the park or to the beach and people watch. Or, go to the library and read a good book. Or, just listen to music on the Internet or watch free movies on youtube. There are many things you can do besides finding validation from others. You need to love yourself first before others can love you. I wish you the best!!

Thank you! I've had an especially hard day. Nothing particular happened today, it's just what I keep visualizing. Over and over in my head plays the recent event, where I didn't stand up to a friend, who overstepped boundaries when it comes to asking for a favor. I keep replaying what I should have said and done. It is hurtful when you find out people just don't have your best interest at heart. I am so mad at myself though! Plus, my anger keeps growing and growing towards the person too. I want to get rid of all this anger! It's killing me.