[confusedgurl08]

I have NO self esteem. I have bought every self help book, looked online of ways to help and I cant love myself like i so desperatly want to. My step mom recently told me to look in the mirror every morning and say i am beautiful out loud. She told me this a month ago, but every time i try the words cant come out and i cry uncontrollably. I just decided to write it in lipstick on the top of the mirror, which that still made me cry and was difficult to do. But every time i went into the bathroom and saw my message to myself I cried, so i wiped it off. My Therapist told me a few days ago that i was very intelligent, and i cried so hard. I don't even know why she said that, because i didn't say anything intelligent while talking to her. I have also lost 65 lbs in the past year and you would think i would be more self confident, but all I see when i look in the mirror is a person who still looks like she ways 210 lbs. I feel like the weight i have lost is not enough. All i want to do is love myself and see myself the way my husband sees me, but i cant.

[Perna]

Hi, confusedgurl, welcome to PsychCentral. Congratulations on the weight loss! That is an achievement.

I respect my husband's judgement so I take what he says about me as "truth". I sometimes don't see what he says about me in myself but I feel it must be there if he sees it? So, I just accept it like I accept a light will come on when I flip a switch without knowing how electricity works (my husband is an electrical engineer :-)

For myself, I do two things. I accept what my husband and other trusted people like my therapist say and I work toward understanding and seeing things like they see. I accept that it is "there" and that it is just me who can't see it. Too, since I accept that I'm intelligent and sexy (I weight 265 pounds, by the way :-) and kind and loving, etc. I look for those things in myself.

Take, for example, the fact that you are hard working. I know you are because you lost 65 pounds. I want to lose just 15 for the moment and I'm having a heck of a time! And I assume your husband tells you how desirable you are to him? Mine does also. How can we can we call them liars by acting like we are not? I know you're intelligent too because I know I am and you're following my logic now so you must be too.

Work on making friends with yourself instead of opposing yourself. If you met a girl like me or yourself, you wouldn't look at them and burst into tears would you? You wouldn't think they were particularly unattractive? You'd be interested in them and want to get to know them and what they liked and become friends with them. Start a journal or something where you talk to your inside, real self? Sometimes I talk to my body, which got so large to "protect" me emotionally. I came up with a name for my body and talk to it as if it is sentient. I thank it for taking care of me and being so strong as to carry all this extra weight for me and yet still work as hard as it does to allow me to do what I want. Do that with your inner you too, when your inner critic puts you down, stand up for yourself. All the critics have is name calling and you have true intelligence. You can make fun of them and point out things like "Well, my husband thinks I'm sexy, you calling my husband a liar?" and then get "angry" that your critic would imply your husband is a liar. Figure out ways to be on your own side. When you cry, dry your tears tenderly! It's "all" You and all good.

[Junerain]

For confused girl, you have God given worth, God created you.....and he doesn't make mistakes.......have you read the Purpose Driven Life? Have you tried going to church? My favorite quote from The Purpose Driven Life is.......If I handed you an invention and you didn't know its purpose......the invention ITSELF wouldn't be able to tell you its purpose...only the Creator of the invention could.....one cannot look inside themselves to find the answer, one must look to their Creator.......I can tell your special, confused girl, can you write me more about your life.....how old are you and how is everything else in your life?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( confusedgurl )))))))))))

((((((((((( confusedgurl ))))))))))
You matter love youself if you can
we all care
you matter

[Lenny]

Well confused, I can say with some confidence that you are not alone in your plight. Many of us are plagued with some dillusions that demean our self worth. There are pieces of me that certainly need improvement.

But sometimes we set the bar a bit too high. Someone at some time put some silly expectations in our minds eye as to what we "should" be and well,,Often the road doesn't go that way...

So what I have done a few times in my life is start with a list of what it is about me that I "like"...started small you know.

I stayed away purposely from the things I didn't like...larger list you know.

I reviewed this list quite often and soon found I was missing some things..sometimes small things like simply smiling at someone who seemed to need it. My list kept growing...

One day,,,awhile down the road,,I got used to some of these things about me and then awhile later,,I found that there were a few of these aspects I could actually love.

Then one day,,I decided to make a list of what I didn't like about myself. There were some items on this list for sure,,,but not one of them stopped me from loving myself for what I am.

Sometimes we are far harder on ourselves than we would be anyone else. That is a shame because we are far more intimate with ourselves than anyone and what a wonderfull place to start...by finding that with all we know about ouraleves,,,we are loveable.

Be well,

Lenny

[Flinty]

(((((((((confusedgurl08)))))))))))
I too know that pain of trying to look at my reflection in the mirror!!!
My partner used to make me do that too, but I could never bare to look at myself, but it does work!!!
I am proof of that.....
I still look sometimes & hate/despite the woman staring back at me, but there are also days where I believe the words that come out of mouth!!! Please don't give up, the one thing I have learnt, which some people might find hard to believe, it's easier to love another, than yourself, but remember the people that love you, love you for who you are, not what you think about yourself!!!
I know this doesn't make things any easier, but we need to love yourselves even if it's in the smallest way possible.
I used to say & do things that I knew where true, like I am going to walk 10 minutes today & after accomplishing that, I felt better about who I was. It's not just about loving yourself & telling yourself that you matter, coz sometimes that is truly hard to do!!!

Keep your chin up & try to find 1 positive thing about yourself every day & if you cannot say it to your reflection then write it down in a journal!!!!

Flinty
XOXOXOX

[confusedgurl08]

thank you everyone. i had an appointment set with a plastic surgeon to get my acne scars removed i went into the consultation about 4 months ago and the doctor told me that the procedure i was thinking about having would not help because my scars are too bad. He said he would have to do another one which is $3000 more. I was really depressed about what he said. i wanted to do this and was working really hard as a waitress and saving. Well when i quit my job in january i was very upset because i felt like i would never get my face fixed and my self esteem would never improve.

I just came to the realization after reading all of your replies that even if i did get my face fixed it would not improve myself esteem because i would still hate the person inside. I am going to take all of your advice and also talk with a T when i find the right one, about this. I am going to try and love myself. I thought maybe the looks part was important, but now i know i have to love myself inside first or i will never be happy with the outside. I have to learn that everything my mother called me and everything she made fun of is not true. I am going to work really hard on this. I really can't thank you enough for these replies.

[rappacinisgarden]

I love your answer since it is so simple. You are right sometimes our expecatations of ourselves are very high. I get frustrated with myself for not being such and such. I want to do this and that. I wanna be someone else. But I get so drained of my high expectations that I never get to the point that is my own intimate ME.
Love bee

[BalishBun]

I wish I could make you feel better.